A thread for fwb survivors (perhaps a little tongue in cheek)

[FWBSurvivor]

This is a thread for people who've had fwb where it hasn't ended in an ideal way? Which is kinda where I am at the moment.

Usually fwb suits me fine and when things come to a natural end I walk away it takes a little time to mend a bruised ego of course if they've been the one to end it. This situation is a little different.

Maybe I let it go on too long (nearly a year, I usually limit to around 6 months) and I did really like him. There were/are good reasons why it could never have become a serious/permanent relationship and I knew that from the start as did he and it didn't seem as if it would be a problem.

But then time goes on and I did come to like him quite a lot. He's chosen to end things as there are things he wants from a relationship which I simply cannot provide unfortunately. Nobody's fault just... life.

But I am feeling a little bruised as a result of things ending and not sure how long this will last or the best way to move forward.

So I thought a thread to chat with others who've been in a similar boat may help. You never know.

Having re-read your first post about how he would have wanted you to be monogamous... l think he is now trying to protect himself from getting more feelings for you as he knows that you and him are not compatabile for a traditional relationship.... which is what he wants

You could be right there. Plus in the time we were together he said he was only sleeping with me (knowing I didn't expect or ask that of him)

My advice ( on off fwb for about 3 years) is avoid anyone there's a chance of catching feelings for, don't go for men you'd like to be in a relationship with bar whatever circumstances/reasons.

My fwb, great sex, nice guy, but a bit dim and a bit of a clowner, who got quite irritating after a few hours, so definitely no risk of wanting more.

@Elephantsareace I wish I knew how to do that! I thought I had with this chap as on paper we aren't suited at all it's ridiculous but the more time went on and as we got to know each other, he wasn't what I thought he was at all. There was more to him.

I’ve found my people! Just finished a FWB arrangement at the weekend, after one year. I have never had this type of relationship and never will again. I was abused by my ex and it’s taken me years to get back on my feet mentally so thought this couldn’t hurt! He’s 12 years younger, never wants to get married or have kids so I thought winner winner! One year down the line we’re the best of friends and were exclusive. Stay up all night chatting, same interests, contact every day, learned to play my favourite songs on guitar blah blah blah, just two peas in a pod really. Even went on holidays together.

Both now toying with the idea of dating so I asked if he thought it might be an idea to try dating each other. Nope! Used my kids as an excuse (which is like a red rag to a bull for me), would be too complicated etc. My kids are literally my whole life and he knows the hell I’ve been through with them over the past few years (both have ASD). They’re also teenagers so not like he’d be dealing with toddlers!

Yes I get that it’s not what we agreed to but things change, people change. I never thought for one minute we’d be that well suited. I’ve been around the block so I know how difficult it is to find someone you’re even remotely compatible with. He’s not interested, still sending me texts, videos of him playing guitar of another song I love, asking how my day was etc. I’m polite but I’m taking a mahoosive step back. I’m not hurt as such (no one could ever touch the hurt my ex has caused me) but I’m disappointed in him tbh. I’ll never get into another one of these situations again that’s for sure. They are not for me.

Yes x

My FWB is 14yrs younger and again is not what l would go for..... completely different stage of life, different music tastes, food tastes.... actually everything!! He would talk at me for hours.... to the extent l felt like l was interacting with DS1 who has ASD and would talk about his latest interests with no pause!

But there was just something about him and l really grew to like, care and have affection for him. That is all l wanted in return..... and a bloody orgasm 🙄

Hey all, checking in, I'm the FWB tgey have BEGORE they get a real GF

@FMSucks you have been through a LOT! Well done for getting through most of it.

Disappointment - yep! I hear ya! And annoyed.

@NeedToAskPlease thank you! Pm sent

An orgasm is DEFINITELY not too much to ask for  that's really the least a fwb should be providing. I was getting loads! So I'm bummed and pissed off that's been taken away!

We were the opposite, so many things in common which at the beginning I really didn't expect.

@pinkfondu I think I'm about to become the fwb he had before getting married! I will not be at all surprised if he is wed within the year maybe even 6 months, but I also won't be surprised if she is completely the wrong person for him and it ends in disaster.

@FWBSurvivor I can’t be angry with him, he’s too bloody nice 😂 however I can put up boundaries and stick him in the “friends zone!” He’s not that irresistible!

My problem has always been my non existent boundaries with men so he’s good practice if I ever decide to try dating again. I’m happy on my own though tbh which is why I thought a FWB situation would be perfect for me, how wrong I was!!

@FMSucks you may find the anger comes later. It did for me to an extent.

I'm far too independent for my own good too, I mostly like being single but sometimes ... sigh

@Misshollys Ahh it sucks. Your situation sounds similar to mine. Just wanted to say that you're not alone

@TheFormidableMrsC Thank you, & yes there's a lot of similarities there, I wasn't ill when he left but I was grieving my dad & he wasn't there for me towards the end, he was so caught up in his new relationship that he didn't notice me struggling. It is very hard to throw away so many years though. He said he never wanted to hurt me, but guess what, all the lies he told hurt more & I actually had to drag it out of him in the end as I knew something was going on & even then I didn't get the whole truth, it took weeks more. I know I'm 100% better of without him & need to concentrate on getting myself feeling better but I will occasionally have to see him so I need to learn to deal with that. I'm so glad we have this chat to talk things out, so thank you @FWBSurvivor for starting it up.

@FWBSurvivor thanks for that and perhaps it will but I think I'm so jaded by men over the years, I've no anger left! I've spent years in therapy building up my self esteem and confidence that was shot to pieces, by men! If he's not that into me, then so be it, I won't be begging!

Does anyone think the FWB arrangement is their "get out clause" when it's quite obvious you were way too close for comfort? It kinda feels a bit like being gaslighted, not sure if that's the right word, but they look at you like you've lost the plot when you may think there could be a chance of something more after a long space of time?

I'm getting very good at predicting if it will work out or not with the others now. Have given a couple of warnings as it seemed it was gonna go very wrong and unfortunately have been correct.

SNAP! Exact same message too!

Does anyone think the FWB arrangement is their "get out clause" when it's quite obvious you were way too close for comfort? It kinda feels a bit like being gaslighted, not sure if that's the right word, but they look at you like you've lost the plot when you may think there could be a chance of something more after a long space of time?

@FMSucks I read something about how women build up connection through the release of dopamine/oxcytocin, so if we are regularly experiencing pleasure and 🙌orgasm with someone, we will become emotionally attached too. Obviously we are also sentient beings so of course we rationalise and remind outselves that it is "just" FWB, that we would never actually date that person, etc., but we do still build a connection. I imagine it as snapping off a twig when it ends - nothing too serious but it's still raw.

It also said that men do not have the same hormonal/biological reaction. They either go in with romantic intentions and therefore build a bond, or they go in with no romantic intentions and apparently therefore never question themselves ever again. I paraphrase.

@FWBSurvivor If your former FWB is now denying/deflecting I'd be very careful of "maybe it's because he has feelings" thinking. IME men absolutely hate being called out on their actions, the consequences and being made to feel guilty, they will do anything to avoid being The Bad Guy. I would assume that his twisting of the narrative is far more likely to protect his self image than to hide his feelings from you - I am not trying to be mean, just realistic and self-protective.

@FacePalm161 You're so right! It's a wonder how men and women ever get on!!

I definitely will not be embarking on a FWB relationship ever again, lesson well learned!

Thanks for the reply and hope you're feeling a bit better in yourself.

It also said that men do not have the same hormonal/biological reaction. They either go in with romantic intentions and therefore build a bond, or they go in with no romantic intentions and apparently therefore never question themselves ever again. I paraphrase.

This is really helpful @FacePalm161 Thanks for posting.

FWB and I had the "maybe we should make this a relationship" chat over a year ago. So we did. After a few months, nothing had changed on his part. He said something to this effect. I didn't realise it was a generic male thing.

@TheFormidableMrsC we are definitely not alone look how many on this thread.

@Misshollys you're welcome, I'm glad it's helped, though must confess I of course started it to help myself. Which it has. But I am still hurting and annoyed and thinking he hasn't actually been honest with me or himself but he may not be able to be right now for all sorts of reasons

@FMSucks yea I feel like that sometimes like maybe I'm the bitter old hag some men accuse me of being.

I won't beg either. I really want to message him, I haven't and I won't. If he thinks there might be a slim chance of a future with us he can contact me. I don't think he will, I think even if he realised/thought that he'd be too proud.

Not sure about the "get out clause" thing. I think they get scared maybe?

@pinkfondu warnings?

@FacePalm161 sorry you had to deal with that they've since been banned

I imagine it as snapping off a twig when it ends - nothing too serious but it's still raw.

Good description

They either go in with romantic intentions and therefore build a bond, or they go in with no romantic intentions and apparently therefore never question themselves ever again. I paraphrase.

I don't think a blanket theory works. I've known men to "catch feelings" very unexpected too.

I appreciate and understand what you're saying about protecting his self image etc he would hate being portrayed as a "bad guy" yes. But I also have several things he said/did beyond what I've posted here that make me (and others) think he did care for me.

There were certain obstacles that mean on paper there was no future but I don't believe these were totally insurmountable IF he had wanted to try. He is under pressure from certain other people to behave a certain way, to live his life a certain way and he cares deeply for them too.

@FWBSurvivor Your relationship sounds similar to mine. He messaged more, called more, bought me presents, cooked for me, was very loving and generous, always at the end of the phone, asked me literally every day how my day was etc... and he's still doing it!

Anyone who knows us said he is crazy about me, more into me than I him but the simple truth is, I asked should we look at dating each other and he said "no" and while he may have said he's probably in denial and a complete idiot (I agree haha!), I have taken him at his word and am not giving it much extra thought.

If he wanted to be with me, he would be. We also had obstacles, but as you say not insurmountable and for that special someone you'd find a way, but because he's not willing to overlook these or work with me on these I can only deduce that he's actually just not that into me.

@FMSucks that's weird. How can he not be into you when he's doing all that.

Perplexing and headfuckery.

I agree, he's acting like he's really into you.

Does anyone else find it baffling how men can switch off their feelings so quickly, like one week "I love you so much" & a few weeks later, after meeting the new woman, " I still love you but it's a different type of love" like wtf?? Actually Men are just Baffling full stop!

@BlastedPimples & @Misshollys well he needs to figure that out for himself, I ain't begging no man!

Yes @Misshollys men are baffling to me too which is precisely the reason I'm not giving it any more headspace and just getting on with it. I've spent way too many hours a day trying to figure out what's going on in their heads, I'm done! If I'd put as many hours into studying I could have been a brain surgeon!!

I do think they are much better are compartmentalising than we are which is probably why he does believe he loves you but you're in a different "love" box to the new woman. Who knows though, they're aliens to me!

I heard from my exFWB yesterday saying:

Hi SingleSock. Sorry to disturb you. I know you probably don’t want to hear from me but I wanted to ask you for a favor. I’m starting a new job and was wondering if I could use you for my reference and It’s okay if you don’t want, I’ll understand. Thanks

Not even a ‘how are you’ or ‘sorry I upset you’. Truthfully, if he’d done that, I might have been willing to help him as I don’t feel any malice, more just disappointment. This message just confirms that he was using me which I half suspected at times but now feels glaringly obvious.

The weird thing is, for the first time in my life, I’m not internalising the reasons for his treatment of me. I’m not wondering if I’ve done something wrong or could have done something differently. I feel absolutely sure that this is due to his own issues and likely a result of male entitlement and I 100% deserve better.