A thread for fwb survivors (perhaps a little tongue in cheek)

[FWBSurvivor]

This is a thread for people who've had fwb where it hasn't ended in an ideal way? Which is kinda where I am at the moment.

Usually fwb suits me fine and when things come to a natural end I walk away it takes a little time to mend a bruised ego of course if they've been the one to end it. This situation is a little different.

Maybe I let it go on too long (nearly a year, I usually limit to around 6 months) and I did really like him. There were/are good reasons why it could never have become a serious/permanent relationship and I knew that from the start as did he and it didn't seem as if it would be a problem.

But then time goes on and I did come to like him quite a lot. He's chosen to end things as there are things he wants from a relationship which I simply cannot provide unfortunately. Nobody's fault just... life.

But I am feeling a little bruised as a result of things ending and not sure how long this will last or the best way to move forward.

So I thought a thread to chat with others who've been in a similar boat may help. You never know.

It's called all the benefits of a relationship (including doing nice things for you) and none of the obligations.
Not that hard to understand.
Otherwise you are fuck buddies/hook-ups rather than FWB

I don't think there is any question about the mechanism of benefits of a relationship without the responsibility. We all know that really. I think @TheFormidableMrsC got the feeling right though when she said "It's so weird that you're that intertwined and intimate but ultimately it's nothing."

Other posters have also mentioned that it's not the end of a FWB situation that is upsettig in itself, but that it also means the end of a level of companionship that goes with it. And from the inside it does feel like a double standard when a FWB owes you nothing, but expects you to care.

@FWBSurvivor - no, I’ve never had an FWB. I’m in my mid-50s and have been with DH for 25 years. Before that, the sex was with people I was dating. I’m not sure FWB was such a thing then but it could just be that it was but I missed it. I came of age when HIV infection was a death sentence and I think that had a bearing on a lot of people’s behaviour (certainly did on mine).

I stand corrected on the catching feelings point!

I always knew that we weren't going to have an deep relationship.....which is why l entered into it as l didn't want anything heavy. We met roughly once a week ...but sometimes there were were a couple of weeks inbetween...and again that was perfect for me as l didn't want to see him all the time.

I also knew that I'd never get deep feelings or love for him... but l did have care and great affection for him and that's what l thought he'd have for me.

I'm not heartbroken at us stopping as l didn't love him but like others on here, l miss having someone to chat with about my day, to kiss and cuddle.

I do wonder if l was too hasty in finishing it but he only wanted sex in a certain way... i.e kiss, me give him a bj, and then sex in doggy position. He didn't want to kiss and caress to build up to it so l wasn't ever turned on overly....and after he'd cum, l once directed his hand round to finish me off... and he said afterwards that him doing any of the above makes him feel awkward as he only feels that intimacy with his long-term partner.

Someone always catches feelings mine did and he panicked, backed off but we are still friendly it’s a shame because i really think we had huge potential I was slowly falling for him too. Sometimes people are only there for a season and we learn so much about ourselves in that season.

@NeedToAskPlease DO NOT CONTACT HIM.

Sorry but that sex sounds miserable. At an absolute bare minimum the sex should be fun. I really do not want to hurt your feelings by being harsh but I am trying to give you a virtual shake.

"kiss, me give him a bj, and then sex in doggy position ... l once directed his hand round to finish me off... and he said afterwards that him doing any of the above makes him feel awkward as he only feels that intimacy with his long-term partner."

It sounds horribly like you were literally servicing him - so receiving pleasure was not intimate for him, nor was being inside your literal body, but giving you pleasure was too much?

Your pleasure is important and the whole point of a FWB is that you enjoy the sex with someone you feel comfortable with and can at least have a chat/coffee with. By all means get a different FWB if you miss the company, but find one who wants to have mutually enjoyable sex and is curious about your pleasure too.

@withbells Yes I understand what it is. I didn't say otherwise. It's exactly the situation that suited me as I have no desire for a "proper" relationship.

What would you say is a "proper" relationship compared to what you had with FWB?

I try and answer this question when my friends ask me. They don't seem to get that neither of us want anything more than what we have. I have no desire to live with him, or any man, in the future. Been there for 20+ yrs, hated that. We don't see it going anywhere, we just enjoy the present. Some friends see that as a proper relationship when you're in your 50s.

What would your answer be?

@OfcourseitsaNC FWB I saw weekly or fortnightly, nearly always at his place because he lived alone and it was an escape for me. No overnights. Just one day together (this fitted in with my son seeing his father). I still have a young child in my mid 50's. The only going out we did was walking the dog. He lives very rurally and I had no desire to go out for lunch or dinner or anything like that. I just wanted one to one time with him with no distractions. For me a "proper" relationship would be more day to day, involved with my child, overnights with the possibility of living together. Going out on dates. I don't want any of that. Both scenarios would be impossible for me now in any event as my ex-husband has disappeared and no longer has contact.

The solution is FWB (hate the term mind, l prefer “special friend”) and a spare! Could be a title for a new book, more exciting than one with a similar name.

With 2 friendships, it is easier to control emotions. But there’s plenty of fun. Never the twain shall meet obviously. Oh and lesser liberated people will call you names on MN too!

Finally I've found my people! It's a tough one isn't it 😕.
Had FWB for almost 2 years - on and off but when he gets back in touch I can't say no.
Would never ever want a relationship with him, I know him too well for that now but ugh.
He's a bit of a prick but there's just something. And the sex is amazing.
Messages are getting less so I know I should just be the one to end it rather than wait for him but it's hard isn't it!!
Last time we ended things it really was like a mild form of heartbreak 😳

Exactly this. Over the years (I’m in my 40s) l’ve had men go big time for me when l have felt much “lighter” about them.

You only have to look at music through history too, it’s notably full of songs about men who have lost their partner.

Women are largely brought up with the “naice girls” don’t do that sort of thing default.

Thank you for your support yesterday @FWBSurvivor 🙏I was having a really down day about it. The whole thing has really knocked my confidence and I know now I'm just not cut out for a FWB arrangement 😔

Here's another one for the playlist which I've been listening to a lot and sums it up exactly-

Ben Folds - Song for the dumped 😂

Sending strength to you all going through this too 👊

@TheFormidableMrsC god I hope I don't still check his message thread in 4 years! That's rough on you, would you be better deleting? I know it's hard

Yes also to "boyfriend like behaviour" why do they do that?

I can point him in your direction @FWBSurvivor ? He'd be happy with you being non monogamous. where does he live? Nah you're fine let someone else deal with him.

You know the MN line is that this type of engagement isn't FWB, but a relationship. I'm so glad to hear other people in FWB arrangements go on dates and watch TV and cook together.

In my experience - and I do LOVE mn Mostly - that's usually judgey monogamous types who are in unhappy relationships themselves but who can't summon the courage to leave those unhappy relationships - so I think there's a little jealousy involved, plus internalised misogyny (assuming they are the women they claim to be) and some patriarchal conditioning.

They can't accept women owning their sexuality, not waiting for a "proper" relationship to have sex.

Otherwise you are fuck buddies/hook-ups rather than FWB agree to a point but also think it's a bit of a power play on behalf on these men.

And from the inside it does feel like a double standard when a FWB owes you nothing, but expects you to care.

Yep!

I guarantee if I'd been the one to end it he wouldn't have handled it as well as I did.

@Dery yes we are of the same generation hiv/aids was a HUGE deterrent to enjoying sex when we were in our teens/twenties and certainly affected my behaviour too.

Now we know far more about how it works and is transmitted and also have very effective treatments. But I am still very careful. Practicing safer sex of course, knowing the history of my sexual partners get tested regularly for all sti's, I am selective even if I am not monogamous - and I don't expect them to be monogamous either.

Though in this guys case he was at pains to tell me several times that I was the only person he was sleeping with and I believe that to be true. Make of that what you will eh?

It wasn't until after my divorce I embraced my sexuality. Plus I really didn't want another "serious" relationship.

@NeedToAskPlease sorry but that sex sounds shit! I wouldn't have put up with that. If the sex is crap what's the point in a fwb? You were right to end it. Stay strong!

Sometimes people are only there for a season and we learn so much about ourselves in that season.

Yea that applies to so many situations but especially this.

What would your answer be? (to what is a proper relationship)

For me:

Dating openly, going away for weekends and holidays together, staying over at each others places even if you don't live together, knowing each others family and friends.

Which I may be open to IF they were content it was never going to lead to living together let alone marriage, IF they were the right person in other ways (eg for me I can't have kids so if they want kids it's a non starter) I am also NEVER going there again.

The solution is FWB (hate the term mind, l prefer “special friend”) and a spare!

Thankfully I have a spare, I'm lining up potential others too though I'm self aware enough to know I may not make great decisions on this right now. I'm also on normal dating apps but wow slim pickings on those for sure! Most of them it's obvious there's a damn good reason they're single! And I don't always mean looks.

Oh and lesser liberated people will call you names on MN too!

Ohhhh yes!

@zigazigahhhh welcome to the thread! Sorry you're going through the same but it's also a relief to know others in same boat.

Women are largely brought up with the “naice girls” don’t do that sort of thing default.

Yep! There's that patriarchal conditioning

@ihavenamechanged3 you're so welcome I appreciate you all supporting me right now too.

Defo going on the playlist!

I was thinking earlier the bottle of vodka he's left here is defo mine now!

I have one sort of, long-distance, known him for years. I suddenly developed feelings and told him so. Oops. Then I realised I didn’t have feelings, or at least, not anymore. A relationship with him would be completely unviable and not what I’d want at all, which I think momentarily appealed to my avoidant personality.

I find relationships very hard and OLD is just dire in any case. I miss sex/intimacy but increasingly I just don’t think it’s worth it.

@AntonFeckoff I too find relationships hard. I used to think it was me now I think it's mainly crappy men these days! No manners, no game, no sexual skills (way too much porn viewing!) also many of them are plain lazy - in every way!

@FWBSurvivor - interesting that we’re a similar age. I do think I would go for FWB if I’m ever single again.

I have no moral objection to FWB and my comment about catching feelings was not intended to suggest there is something wrong with FWB. I see I was wrong re gender but perhaps not wrong in thinking that feelings can arise on one side or the other as a result of an FWB relationship - this thread mentions that happening. That doesn’t surprise me given the intimacy which is inevitably involved in a successful FWB relationship (not a very one-sided one where the man isn’t interested in giving the woman pleasure).

I commented on it because I think people sometimes suggest FWB as if it is a guaranteed disappointment-free/pain-free alternative to a committed relationship but this thread makes clear the position is a bit more nuanced.

@FWBSurvivor yes. I wasn’t always this way, but I’ve had many terrible experiences with men and one of them ruined me financially. It’s left me deeply cynical but even without that, OLD is full of misogynistic twats and men in open relationships. I’m coming to terms with the likelihood that another serious relationship just isn’t going to happen for me. Which is ok.

people sometimes suggest FWB as if it is a guaranteed disappointment-free/pain-free alternative to a committed relationship

I don't think I've ever seen that posited. But if you have fair enough

Relationships of all kinds are always more nuanced, of course, we're all just trying to navigate life without getting our hearts wrecked right?

And heaven knows a committed monogamous relationship is no guarantee of no pain either. I never went into my marriage thinking it would end in divorce, we were very compatible... until we weren't.

There are also many reasons people want a fwb situation, for me as a single mum to dds and also a survivor of abuse I didn't want to introduce a man into my girls home and risk exposing them to that. Others have caring responsibilities or careers they wanna focus on, or hobbies...

Some of us have found we just aren't good at relationships.

As I've said a few times the fwb thing mostly works for me, it's just when an arrangement ends, especially if it's by then rejecting me, it kinda sucks for a while. Not a very long time I'll survive I always do. I have a good support network generally speaking. I have good friends who are very supportive who while I may not confide the exact details to them but they are there for me.

This thread was more to talk to others who have been where I am and "get it"

I'll confess I'm somewhat puzzled as to why you've commented on the thread. It's interesting to get another perspective but I'm afraid you just aren't going to really understand where myself and others who have had/are having fwb situations are coming from. It's one of those things you have to experience yourself.

people sometimes suggest FWB as if it is a guaranteed disappointment-free/pain-free alternative to a committed relationship

Back to this, if I saw someone thinking fwb was the "easy" emotional option compared to a committed relationship I would probably say it's not right for them.

For me it suits as I'm not suited to monogamy, I like things being fun and light, not sharing my living space etc there's a certain ability to detach needed which I have. Not everyone does/can do this.

@FWBSurvivor - that is a really helpful further explanation.

Of course, committed relationships can be a source of pain - that’s why I have seen people suggest FWB as a way to have an arrangement that avoids the aspects of a relationship which can cause pain and disappointment. Or at least that’s what I thought I was seeing - perhaps I have always missed the point and assumed a level of detachment which isn’t there or doesn’t have to be there, although you do refer to being able to detach.

DH and I have had periods of having an open relationship and have known people in polyamorous set-ups so it’s not that I see monogamy as the only option.

Anyway, I attached myself to this FWB thread out of interest rather than from having a FWB right now - which was perhaps a bit cheeky - but I have learnt a lot so thank you very much!

I was really interested in the polyamorous relationship world when he first told me that he was and how much he loved his longterm partner. So l entered into mine as l knew there was no risk of there being love, deep commitment, moving in together, marriage etc.

What l did want though with him, is the type of relationship that l read about in the Ethical Slut book. Honestly, respect, boundaries, open communication etc... l asked for 3 things in the time we were together - for him to tell me if he planned to or if there was a chance of sleeping with anyone else, other then his partner. He agreed..... but he then didn't tell me. Next was for us to have the date planned of our next meet up - even if it was over 2 weeks away... he would often keep me hanging. The last was asking for a bit more pleasure for me... and he said he couldn't.

@Dery you're very welcome it's good to get alternative perspectives always of course.

I think one needs to be self aware to enter any relationship!

@NeedToAskPlease he sounds unbelievably selfish and toxic and I suspect not just with you!

So I did a wee quiz out of curiosity "what is your attachment style" apparently mine is "fearful avoidant" as I don't like feeling trapped, I want them around when I want them around and to bugger off when I don't - well I already knew that!

yeh fwb i have called it quits as a baby got involved who is now 2 and its jst not respectable for her or me 9 years on n off FWB. nice memories when im a grandma lol