A thread for fwb survivors (perhaps a little tongue in cheek)

[FWBSurvivor]

This is a thread for people who've had fwb where it hasn't ended in an ideal way? Which is kinda where I am at the moment.

Usually fwb suits me fine and when things come to a natural end I walk away it takes a little time to mend a bruised ego of course if they've been the one to end it. This situation is a little different.

Maybe I let it go on too long (nearly a year, I usually limit to around 6 months) and I did really like him. There were/are good reasons why it could never have become a serious/permanent relationship and I knew that from the start as did he and it didn't seem as if it would be a problem.

But then time goes on and I did come to like him quite a lot. He's chosen to end things as there are things he wants from a relationship which I simply cannot provide unfortunately. Nobody's fault just... life.

But I am feeling a little bruised as a result of things ending and not sure how long this will last or the best way to move forward.

So I thought a thread to chat with others who've been in a similar boat may help. You never know.

Oh wow! Yea that's not ideal though I'm sure you adore your daughter. Has he stepped up as a dad?

URGHHHHHH!!! Had a message off him this morning being all flirty and saying he wants to keep things going. I've spent this week getting my head sorted and ready to see him tomorrow, now this. 🙄

@TheFormidableMrsC god I hope I don't still check his message thread in 4 years! That's rough on you, would you be better deleting? I know it's hard

Yes also to "boyfriend like behaviour" why do they do that?

@FWBSurvivor

It's just me getting wistful sometimes. I don't act on it. He lives very near my Dad who lives a long way from me. I have managed to avoid doing a drive by although it's tempting 🤣. I really miss him, that's the crux of it. I know I'm being silly. We had such a great friendship aside from everything else.

I don't know why they do boyfriend like behaviour. Maybe it just comes with the territory. We were both clear that we knew the deal from the outset. I've not yet mentioned that he's a decade younger than me and that definitely made a difference I think.

Anyone else been DMed by @lostnotions999? What is there to chat about? I posted about my situation up thread and bemoaned the lack of decent men, a point you seem intent on demonstrating

I had the same message 🤣

I've had same message just checked (I'm usually on app) I've reported it.

@TheFormidableMrsC that sounds very hard for you that your still passing near to where he lives etc

@SinkingSwim do you want to continue things? Could you handle that emotionally? It's very tricky with you both in same office, but I also appreciate and understand the pull towards him I'm still checking when mines been online and hating myself for that.

Can't be helped, it's over an hour from me but about five mins from my Dad. It's just a bit triggering every time but I can't stop going obviously.

I can't believe we've all had the same inbox! This won't he the first time, I've been propositioned by men several times on here. It's not a sodding dating app 🙄

Ok, I've just been looking through our messages, as I thought it was him messaged me first usually, him asking me to hook up, him flirting first - so why is he claiming he's ended it partly cos I caught feelings?

Am I seeing something that isn't there or is there a chance I am right?

Yes me. I haven't responded to it.

@FWBSurvivor I really don't know... part of me really wants to as the sex was great and it was really fun. And I've spent most of this week sorting my head out and seperating my feelings so I might be able to distance myself better from now on? I told him I needed to think about it, I might see how I feel after I've seen him in person today...

I can't believe we've all had the same inbox! This won't he the first time, I've been propositioned by men several times on here. It's not a sodding dating app 🙄

I’ve been propositioned a few times on here as well. I thought it was particularly distasteful to use a thread where we’re talking about being hurt and let down by our FWBs to scout for women. These men have literally no idea about who we are or how we look which just reinforces the feeling that far too many men see us as nothing more than walking vaginas.

@lostnotions999 get yourself a fleshlight and leave us alone 🤮

I assumed it was a journalist looking for a story.

@SinkingSwim I hope your day is going relatively smoothly and you're managing to be around him at least. Only you can know if you can manage to revive your arrangement without it hurting you.

@SingleSock yep me too, it's annoying. Hadn't thought of journalist angle @NeedToAskPlease not sure which would be worse!

Anyone able or willing to try and answer my thoughts from last night? I'll admit I'm finding today hard, I kept busy all weekend now I'm not and I'm struggling, I'm not even sure why! It wasn't love, it had no future I knew that from the start, I don't even think that's what I wanted I think I'm just pissed off at the rejection but also missing him a little.

IME of being approached by journalists, they tell you who they are and which news agency they are working for along with a bit of info about the story angle they’re going for. I therefore deduce that this one is yet another desperate wanker.

I’m sorry you’re feeling so down about it @FWBSurvivor. I think all the usual stuff about feeling your feelings and keeping busy is all there is that you can do. It will just take time. You need to get to the bottom of what inner wound this has triggered. If you have an anxious avoidant attachment style (can relate), then it’s likely the rejection angle. I went through a bad betrayal last year by two people very close to me but through therapy, I learned that we have to pour all the love and energy into ourselves rather than putting it out to other people and expecting crumbs back. This is not a rejection of you. From your thread you sound articulate, smart and fun - you need to remember you’re a great person. I realise this is easy to say, I’m still a work in process!

My teen DD is having a major health scare which is taking all my emotional energy and putting everything into perspective. I would normally speak to him about stuff like this so I’ve had a few moments of wishing we were still on talking terms but otherwise, I don’t have the capacity to care all that much at the moment.

He's trying to put the "blame" on you and doesn't want to take responsibility for his part.

Totally understand why you're struggling. I do too when l have time on my hands... like most weekends. Same for me that it wasn't love or even had a future.... so why are we both struggling to forget about them.

I know l am not a person to give up on a relationship if it could be fixed which l think is some of it. So l am still thinking what l could do to make it work... when really l need to get some self esteem and realise that it didn't work because he didn't want to try.... not because l didn't.

I did cave in and messaged him.... heard nothing back

To answer this specifically, he’s probably projecting or was just looking for an acceptable reason. Probably trying to save face.

Oh my goodness, I just found this chat today & so much of what you're all saying resonates with me. I was in a FWB relationship for over 7 years, I tried to break away a few times in the latter years but he charmed me back. From the start, we both knew it could only ever be this arrangement & I couldn't give more than I was & he always said he was happy with that. We both had feelings for each other & we did spend some lovely days out together. Until February when he met someone else, & fell in love but wasn't honest with me for weeks, he did treat me terribly bad at the end & despite all that I find myself somewhat heartbroken. I'm mad at myself because he doesn't deserve my thoughts but somehow he keeps coming into my head. I'm trying to keep busy but there's so many memories from over the years that it's difficult. I only hope that in time I can get over the hurt. I can see now that he was a player, but my heart isn't seeing it yet, it's hard to explain.

And after everything this

From your thread you sound articulate, smart and fun - you need to remember you’re a great person.

Is what broke my damn, crying but that's probably a good thing.

If you have an anxious avoidant attachment style (can relate), then it’s likely the rejection angle.

Yes that's what the online quizzes are saying.

He's trying to put the "blame" on you and doesn't want to take responsibility for his part.

I'd love you to expand on this. Is he deflecting? In denial? What?

I did cave in and messaged him....
heard nothing back

I'm so sorry. You don't deserve that,

To answer this specifically, he’s probably projecting or was just looking for an acceptable reason. Probably trying to save face.

Projecting as in it was him caught feelings? Or just trying to find a way to stop that I would not argue against ?

@Misshollys I'm so sorry, you don't deserve that.

my heart isn't seeing it yet

Ohh I know that feeling.

Don't be so hard on yourself 7 years is a very long time to be in such an arrangement. It's an investment of your time and energy if nothing else. He at the very least should have treated you with honesty and respect at the end.

Thank you, I'm in my 50's & feel like a lovestruck teenager sometimes, you're so right, respect costs nothing & it seems so many on this chat have been given very little respect by the guys involved, I think I need go back to your playlist & belt out a few tunes lol. We need to remember, we are all strong women & we will survive, I'm reminding myself, what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger. 😀

I think he is in denial and actually does have feelings for you too... but can't admit that too himself...and so is trying to make it all your "fault"

@Misshollys exactly - you WILL get through this. We all will, but for now, it really sucks! Sorry - but I'm glad I'm not alone.

@NeedToAskPlease may I ask can I pm you?