A thread for fwb survivors (perhaps a little tongue in cheek)

[FWBSurvivor]

This is a thread for people who've had fwb where it hasn't ended in an ideal way? Which is kinda where I am at the moment.

Usually fwb suits me fine and when things come to a natural end I walk away it takes a little time to mend a bruised ego of course if they've been the one to end it. This situation is a little different.

Maybe I let it go on too long (nearly a year, I usually limit to around 6 months) and I did really like him. There were/are good reasons why it could never have become a serious/permanent relationship and I knew that from the start as did he and it didn't seem as if it would be a problem.

But then time goes on and I did come to like him quite a lot. He's chosen to end things as there are things he wants from a relationship which I simply cannot provide unfortunately. Nobody's fault just... life.

But I am feeling a little bruised as a result of things ending and not sure how long this will last or the best way to move forward.

So I thought a thread to chat with others who've been in a similar boat may help. You never know.

@SingleSock yep feel exactly the same here. It's not you, it's most definitely him and it's his loss. You absolutely deserve better. He's a cheeky fucker for even asking! Hope you're okay x

All, stop using Friends with Benefits as a term for men who are certainly not friends. Yes FWBs can exist and be fun. But many of those mentioned here? No!

I'm finding this thread really interesting. Having my first "FWB" situation (though acknowledge @StarlightLady 's point that he really isn't my friend) and first experience of anything post very long marriage.
I veer sharply between not trusting him at all,
feeling very insecure and a bit used and wanting to end it; and then feeling lots of romantic feelings, fantasising about us being together etc. He's funny, sex is great and I find him really attractive and interesting. We don't go out on dates but just hang out at home (mine), chat, have sex, occasionally have dinner together.
He was clear from the beginning he wasn't up for a relationship, or anything serious. But it's been going on since before Christmas and since then he has asked a couple of times for clarity/confirmation from me that it's okay just to be as we are (FWB). I feel like he has hinted a few times that he likes me more. But then backed off from having the conversation. I haven't pushed it because if I'm honest I just don't want to get into a conversation that might mean it ends.
But I have two nagging doubts. One, that my feelings for him mean I'm closed to the possibility/opportunity of meeting someone where there might be more possibility of us actually building something more/it being real. And two, obviously, that I might get my heart broken.

Just joining in as I also have one of these situations at the moment and have been seeing him around every two weeks since last August.

We haven’t defined it as FWB but that does seem like what it is as I had one before for four years in my 20s and it feels very similar! I often veer between thinking “This is great and all I want right now anyway as i am busy and I never want to pick some man’s socks off the floor or argue about whose turn it is to take the bins out ever again”, and then the inevitable feelings emerge and then my emotions are up and down like a flipping rollercoaster.

Gah! I’m just not built for casual.

@FMSucks

He messaged more, called more, bought me presents, cooked for me, was very loving and generous, always at the end of the phone, asked me literally every day how my day was etc... and he's still doing it!

Yep!

Perplexing and headfuckery

Also yep!

Anyone who knows us said he is crazy about me, more into me than I him

Very few people knew the 2 of us together but yea I've had this too.

Does anyone else find it baffling how men can switch off their feelings so quickly, like one week "I love you so much" & a few weeks later, after meeting the new woman, " I still love you but it's a different type of love" like wtf?? Actually Men are just Baffling full stop!

That was my ex husband!!

If I'd put as many hours into studying I could have been a brain surgeon!!

@SingleSock wow! That's some nerve he's got there!

The weird thing is, for the first time in my life, I’m not internalising the reasons for his treatment of me. I’m not wondering if I’ve done something wrong or could have done something differently. I feel absolutely sure that this is due to his own issues and likely a result of male entitlement and I 100% deserve better.

Kinda where I'm at. I'm done breaking my heart or wallowing over a man! There was potential for something good there or at least to continue until we met other people (ok till I met someone else ) well while it was still fun! But like hell am I blaming myself! I did nothing wrong! I put no pressure on him at any point. Let him do all the "chasing" I never chase.

@StarlightLady I get what you're saying, but people understand (roughly) the fwb term and I also feel at some point we are friends with them or it at least feels like that.

@Clytemnestra21 I hope you don't get your heart broken but I suspect you might. What might you be able to do to prevent that? I'm not sure.

@shivermetimbers77 I think I've had something of a realisation. I've long thought I'm unlovable, now I wonder if I simply don't know how to be loved? Can anyone relate?

Friends with benefits never ends with the two parties just shaking hands and parting ways amicably. One party always either wants more than the other or takes advantage.

The best way to cope with a friends with benefits situation is to forget the friends part.

So very true!

Agreed - dispatch with the "friends" part. Can you imagine how complicated it would be if there was a genuine/deep/close friendship and then you threw this on top, especially if the level of investment was mismatched?

And yes @FWBSurvivor and @StarlightLady, mine was not a "friend" to start with, but he felt like someone I got on well enough with. I could not be intimate with someone who I don't at - at the very, very least - want to have a coffee, a chat and a laugh with.

I don’t need to imagine. I’ve made that mistake more than once. It doesn’t matter if you’re friends before or try becoming friends during. Either way it’s a huge mistake.

Just keep it casual. It prevents so many problems.

I had such fun with FWB after getting divorced, and not wanting to get involved. I have very warm memories of the various journeys I went on (!)
I DID get bruised from time to time, because we are human, right? But not much.
It was a good season for me. I don't miss it now, but it was good for me at the time.

Struggling a little here tonight, he's changed his FB profile pic to a picture of them both. I know I'm being silly, I know I'm better off without him but still my heart hurts. I really need to shake this feeling off because he doesn't deserve my thoughts. I thought I was doing well this week, especially after all the support from you ladies but weekends seem to be worse. I need give my head a shake 😂

Totally understandable that you're struggling.

Your logical head is telling you you're better off without him.... but at the moment your emotional head is still strong.

Eventually your logical head will become the stronger one.... it's just tough getting to that point.

Thank you, hopefully my logical head will appear sooner rather than later, I've decided to go on a 10k walk tomorrow morning, clear the head. 🤞

@Misshollys i hope you’re feeling a bit brighter this morning. X

I don't think FWB is good for women at all. I'm older, so perhaps a bit jaded, but I think women are doing themselves a great disservice when they put up with this. What you're essentially saying, is that a man can shag you until something "better" comes along, AND he doesn't ever have to buy you dinner or treat you like he would be expected to treat a wife/girlfriend. Inevitably, women mostly do get feelings after sleeping with a man for several months : your body gets flooded with bonding hormones every time you sleep together. And then the guy moves on to the next woman, and you get dumped. And it's not even a big deal, because you were "only a FWB" anyway. Women deserve so much more than this from men! FWB - who benefits? Mainly the man, in my opinion. Free sex for zero in return, often not even a modicum of respect.

@Blondiebeachbabe
I suppose it depends on each individual.
Of course there are things about FWB that benefit men. They wouldn’t do it otherwise but there’s things that benefit for women.
I think of it as I get what I need without having to put up with any BS or disruption to my personal life. As far as attachment goes just don’t let yourself get attached. Never have a FWB with actual friends or try to become friends, never be monogamous and don’t let the arrangement last for too long.

Trying to not get attached and not letting it go on too long is some of the best advice you could get in these situations. I failed at both and in future will be much more wary.
I had a fabulous walk earlier, the sun was out and I live in the countryside, it was a great tonic to get out in the fresh air 😀

Yep like @Misshollys I’m doing it all wrong too. Speak on texf all day every single day, share streaming services, when I go over stay up most of the night listening to music, chatting, watch movies the next day. He cooks, we cuddle on couch. We’re monogamous. We walk our dogs together, we confide in each other and we’re actually really good friends.

It is not a good setup reallly as we’re probably perfect for each other. Neither of us wanted anything serious when we set out on this last year but I can now see how compatible we are, he can too but there’s too many deal breakers for him I’m afraid. I also would not recommend one of these relationships. It’s not good for a woman who connects through intimacy and sharing time. It’s a recipe for disaster. Would help if I didn’t like him but then I wouldn’t sleep with him if I didn’t like him. These relationships are more complicated than any other kind I think.

Well after spending this weekend with him, I'm now rather confused.

I met 6 of his friends on a night out. One of those friends' behaviour towards me made me very uncomfortable. He squared up to the friend and told him to back off.

His best friend, who I've met several times before, is talking about he and his wife and me and FWB going away for the weekend together. FWB thought this was a great idea.

FWB said an ex had recently got in contact and he told me he'd told her he'd been seeing someone for a couple of years.

He bought me lunch one day, then dinner the next. We normally split everything when we eat out, but he was insistent he treated me.

I'm going to need to talk to him, aren't I? If he's caught feelings, then it confuses things a lot.

Except this is exactly the sort of set up that suits me. I want sex, I don't want a relationship. I don't want to date or live with anybody. Never again. My FWB lasted 6 years and I was very sad when it ended but I would do it again.

@OfcourseitsaNC what do you want out of it? It does sound like he wants more but it's not what he wants, it's what you want that matters x

I want things to stay as they are!

I still see him as a holder until someone better comes along. I thought he saw me like that too until this weekend. We'd discussed it ages ago and we agreed to be honest with each other if it looked like any dates we were seeing looked like they would morph into something more.

We never discussed what to do if it looked like if one of us started having feels for the other.

My current thinking is to see what happens over the next few months. I'm happy as is. If he wants more, then it's on him to talk to me about it. And for me to see changes in his behaviour that make me want to consider something more with him.

@OfcourseitsaNC I do agree that he needs to communicate with you if he wants things to change. I did a lot of reading when I entered into this setup and every article said that communication was of primary importance, even more so than in a conventional relationship, that if feelings changed you needed to let the other person know and be upfront about what you want. Easier said than done I know!

@NeedToAskPlease

he only wanted sex in a certain way... i.e kiss, me give him a bj, and then sex in doggy position. He didn't want to kiss and caress to build up to it so l wasn't ever turned on overly....and after he'd cum, l once directed his hand round to finish me off... and he said afterwards that him doing any of the above makes him feel awkward

Sorry, but that’s bullshit. Good riddance.

Using the word survivor is a bit over the top, and an insult to people who have truly survived trauma. You casually screwed someone, which generally doesn’t work out, and has consequences. Maybe just don’t do it again?