Myself (38F) and my husband (44M) have been together 16 years. We have 2 children together (13 & 10). Our lives have always been busy but I thought our relationship was solid, he wasn’t just my husband but we were best friends too. I caught him having what is now described as an emotional affair 6 years ago, when I overheard him on a call during the middle of the night downstairs when I woke unexpectedly and it turned my life upside down. He had been drinking and when he sobered up the next day, he promised me, they had never met up, she lived in a different country, it was only something random that had happened on an online dating forum he had reactivated from before we were together, he was needing attention. He blamed it on pressures he was facing at work, secretly drinking too much and I was too busy with our children etc that made him reach out elsewhere and he was sorry. I could then see how damaged he was at the time, something completely out of the ordinary with him as he is such a strong hardworking person, however, I was destroyed but I couldn’t destroy my kids’ lives too so I just eventually carried on.
Things weren’t bad, he always treated me well, we have a lovely lifestyle, I gave up my career when our children were born as his took priority but I have full control over finances. With his type of job, I couldn’t work due to having to be there for our children without any support but I didn’t mind, my children are my life, I’m so grateful I get to raise them and be there watching them grow and know they can always depend on me. I loved him so much I tried to make things work but there was always that niggling in the back of my mind that I would doubt him, the trust was broken but my children adore him, he’s their role model and I would never change that.
Fast forward to present, things eventually came to a head a few months ago and I was told that he isn’t in love with me anymore, he loves me and always will, he loves what an amazing mum I am but again, he isn’t in love with me and that he isn’t physically attracted to me either, hence the non existent sex life which for the past few years I’ve had to ask for sex, which was humiliating but I wanted that intimacy. That crushed me. I asked was anyone else involved and he said there wasn’t. However, he’s now given me an option which is what he thinks would work. We are to separate but no one is to know so we can protect our children. So basically to the outside world we carry on as normal, the children have their parents together, they keep the lifestyle they are accustomed to, we attend things as a family and financially nothing changes. He will continue to work and provide for us all, but I’m not allowed to tell anyone that we aren’t together to protect our children.
I feel trapped as I can’t give my children the lives they have now as I couldn’t afford it financially without my husband’s support which would decrease if we separated properly. Having to sell our house would be the only option as I couldn’t afford it without him, I don’t want to cause them all that upheaval and upset. But I don’t know how I can cope knowing I’m secretly separated. Some days have been easier to cope with it than others but I can feel I’m losing myself, losing my genuine happiness and it’s a real effort to pretend. I feel I’m not doing right by my children pretending to be happy when I’m not but then I think of what I’d be able to provide them on my own and I know that would make me feel less happier as I would be failing them. I’m completely stuck and don’t know what to do. Maybe with time, I’ll eventually come to terms with it and it might become more bearable?
We rarely talk now unless it concerns the children, or the children are around as I try to stay out of his way. I’ve let some of the things I also did around the house slip but he’s stepped in and continues to do it without questioning. I know he can tell I’m not happy but he won’t talk or bring it up as I think he’s also afraid of rocking the boat.
I also know I’m distancing myself from my friends and family as I feel they’ll be able to tell by the way I act as I’m a very open person so I’m now intentionally distancing myself so they don’t work out something is wrong. What do I do, accept his offer and learn how to cope with it better until the children are older? As I’m assuming there will come a day when he decides they are old enough to cope with us separating properly. Or don’t accept his offer and openly separate now?