Do I go along with my husband’s request?

[OliveWriter]

Myself (38F) and my husband (44M) have been together 16 years. We have 2 children together (13 & 10). Our lives have always been busy but I thought our relationship was solid, he wasn’t just my husband but we were best friends too. I caught him having what is now described as an emotional affair 6 years ago, when I overheard him on a call during the middle of the night downstairs when I woke unexpectedly and it turned my life upside down. He had been drinking and when he sobered up the next day, he promised me, they had never met up, she lived in a different country, it was only something random that had happened on an online dating forum he had reactivated from before we were together, he was needing attention. He blamed it on pressures he was facing at work, secretly drinking too much and I was too busy with our children etc that made him reach out elsewhere and he was sorry. I could then see how damaged he was at the time, something completely out of the ordinary with him as he is such a strong hardworking person, however, I was destroyed but I couldn’t destroy my kids’ lives too so I just eventually carried on.

Things weren’t bad, he always treated me well, we have a lovely lifestyle, I gave up my career when our children were born as his took priority but I have full control over finances. With his type of job, I couldn’t work due to having to be there for our children without any support but I didn’t mind, my children are my life, I’m so grateful I get to raise them and be there watching them grow and know they can always depend on me. I loved him so much I tried to make things work but there was always that niggling in the back of my mind that I would doubt him, the trust was broken but my children adore him, he’s their role model and I would never change that.

Fast forward to present, things eventually came to a head a few months ago and I was told that he isn’t in love with me anymore, he loves me and always will, he loves what an amazing mum I am but again, he isn’t in love with me and that he isn’t physically attracted to me either, hence the non existent sex life which for the past few years I’ve had to ask for sex, which was humiliating but I wanted that intimacy. That crushed me. I asked was anyone else involved and he said there wasn’t. However, he’s now given me an option which is what he thinks would work. We are to separate but no one is to know so we can protect our children. So basically to the outside world we carry on as normal, the children have their parents together, they keep the lifestyle they are accustomed to, we attend things as a family and financially nothing changes. He will continue to work and provide for us all, but I’m not allowed to tell anyone that we aren’t together to protect our children.

I feel trapped as I can’t give my children the lives they have now as I couldn’t afford it financially without my husband’s support which would decrease if we separated properly. Having to sell our house would be the only option as I couldn’t afford it without him, I don’t want to cause them all that upheaval and upset. But I don’t know how I can cope knowing I’m secretly separated. Some days have been easier to cope with it than others but I can feel I’m losing myself, losing my genuine happiness and it’s a real effort to pretend. I feel I’m not doing right by my children pretending to be happy when I’m not but then I think of what I’d be able to provide them on my own and I know that would make me feel less happier as I would be failing them. I’m completely stuck and don’t know what to do. Maybe with time, I’ll eventually come to terms with it and it might become more bearable?

We rarely talk now unless it concerns the children, or the children are around as I try to stay out of his way. I’ve let some of the things I also did around the house slip but he’s stepped in and continues to do it without questioning. I know he can tell I’m not happy but he won’t talk or bring it up as I think he’s also afraid of rocking the boat.

I also know I’m distancing myself from my friends and family as I feel they’ll be able to tell by the way I act as I’m a very open person so I’m now intentionally distancing myself so they don’t work out something is wrong. What do I do, accept his offer and learn how to cope with it better until the children are older? As I’m assuming there will come a day when he decides they are old enough to cope with us separating properly. Or don’t accept his offer and openly separate now?

First of all, this has nothing to do with protecting his kids. It's about protecting his own self image. Even though you don't think he has time to cheat, you can't ever put it past him. He certainly found the time to join online dating and build connections with other women. Has probably done web cam sex at the very least. He IS a cheating pig based on that alone. He isn't the man you thought.

True, things wouldn't be easy at first if you split, but you'd get there.

Is it worth it to stay 'for the kids' but you're modeling to them a loveless relationship where their dad is having sleazy conversations in the middle of the night? Where there is no loving communication between their parents? Where their mother is always unhappy or just pretending to be? No. It's not worth it. Kids are not dumb, they pick up on these things.

And what of your own happiness? Your chance at meeting someone who truly does love you, is respectful, and will be loyal?

Even if you wanted to stay single and not eventually be in a new relationship - what happens when he decides to leave for another woman and no longer honours this 'arrangement?' You can't trust that he won't. If he's staying because of money - again - what happens to you when your youngest is 18 and he does it then because now he'd not have to pay as much?

Just bite the bullet and start your new life now. There will be some hard changes to make but you and your children are better off doing it now than later. I know that you're probably also still hurting at his behaviour, which makes it hard too...but you will heal. You deserve so much better than that turd you're married to.

He is being self serving, but maybe he's not totally wrong @OliveWriter ?

Maybe the relationship has run its course for both of you (you shouldn't have to be pleading with anyone for sex and intimacy).

But he is being entirely self-serving in the way he is going about finding a resolution.

If you can bring yourself to accept that anyone, you or him, can leave a relationship at any time, for whatever reason, and put the blame, guilt and the whys behind you, maybe you can have an honest conversation that takes things forward for both of you.

Set your own boundaries for this conversation.

For me that would mean no secrecy. Secrecy is toxic. It's the constant feeling that you are doing something wrong, and comes with guilt and isolation. There are ways to do this and protect the children that don't come with a dose of guilt. And most importantly allow you to live your life (I would be suspicious that he thinks his suggestion lets him live his, but keeps you in a box).

You do have to accept that he has come to the end of his commitment to this relationship, but you don;t have to accept how he wants to do this. Discuss, and if you can't agree, seek out mediation; at the very least he's unlikely to propose things that are entirely in his self-interest in front of another person.

It will be hard to divorce but living like this is by far harder. See a solicitor asap. This is no life for you or your children.

OP let me translate his 'proposal' for you:

I want to shag around and live a life that doesn't include you, but I refuse to be the bad guy. So you have to maintain this facade so that no-one knows that I am really'.

Got it?

Tell him where to go with his request and see a solicitor. You won't be as badly off financially as you fear. But if you go along with him, you'll soon be an empty shell of yourself.

None of this is about doing it 'for the kids'. It's about not losing half his equity, pension, etc. and also having to take care of his own kids a lot of the time. My SIL used to say the same 'oh BIL is too busy at work, he just couldn't cope'. OK so the kids ate a lot of pizza in the beginning but their divorce forced him to be a better dad and now he is! I worked with a lot of lawyers (usually men in their late 40s, etc.) absolutely convinced the office couldn't cope if they left before 7pm. One divorce later and they'd be out the door at 5pm on their nights and it was fine, the office survived and so did they.

None of this is about the kids OP, or you. It's all about what's best for him ...

Lawyer up!

What a miserable existence for you and your children, what a selfish prick your husband is. My guess is he's spoken to a divorce solicitor and found out he is going to paying a massive chunk of his wages to you for many years on top of having to look after his own house and kids for a change! And he's trying to pretend it's for the children's sake...! Living in a house with 2 parents who don't talk... riiiiight!

Tell him it's over, you'll not be keeping his dirty little secrets anymore.

Say you need time to "think" if he asks you if you agree to his proposal. In the meantime get legal advice collect as much information about finances, pensions etc and get your ducks thoroughly in a row to LTB.

He basically wants you to accommodate his double life and you to live in misery being his bloody maid and nanny. He has no respect for you, just that you make his life easier and can facilitate his career if you're looking after the kids especially if one has additional needs. Fuck him. Grey rock, close your heart and take the steps you need to get your life back on track, even if it takes a bit of time to get out. You deserve so much more. Xx

The trouble with his suggestion is it is all on his terms, and you will be left waiting for the axe to fall, when he finally decides the DC are old enough for the separation to be complete. I'd agree to it in the short term, and spend the next few months getting yourself a job, and making your plans to live independent of him. Take some power back. Ultimately you are going to end up separated, so don't waste your time waiting for him to decide when that should happen.

So my thought would be he has been having an affair and is trying to ease the guilt and play it down as you aren’t together, in his opinion. I couldn’t settle for that lifestyle. You need to think about what you need to be happy but it doesn’t sound like this set up is working for you. Have you looked on entitled too? I am separated and think it was hard at first but has worked out better for all involved in the long term.

Speak to your children and tell them the truth. This is the second step after consulting a solicitor and getting the paperwork done. Obviously just the facts without demonising him. Then tell family and friends and get some emotional and practical support in place. You deserve better and keeping quiet benefits only him.

I also know I’m distancing myself from my friends and family as I feel they’ll be able to tell by the way I act as I’m a very open person so I’m now intentionally distancing myself so they don’t work out something is wrong.
Another woman cutting herself off from people who love her because her man doesn't.

He's one self-centred creature, OP. Don't mistake his request for wanting to protect your kids, he wants to protect himself. His behaviour is completely out of order. Why should you go along with his twisted, self-centred plan? Think about what you can have out of life if he's no longer warping your sense of how things should be and what you deserve.

People fall out of love, that's not the problem - it's how he's behaved after realising and now this secret plan in which your self esteem means nothing and gets further damaged? Just stunning levels of self-interest by him.

100%, bang on.

No. I had a friend who attempted similar when she and her husband separated - they did try to live together and keep things 'normal' for the sake of the kids. It didn't end well. It won't. Don't do it.

I don't want to sound cynical, but chances are he will want a divorce once the kids leave home anyway. What happens to you then? Leave now and find happiness with someone who values you.

Fuck that. Decide what YOU want, and make that happen instead. The kids will be better off with any future that involves you not being a zombified shell of yourself living someone else’s lie.

So he wants to keep you as his free maid, thus not having to consider giving up any of his assets in a divorce, and he gets to shag about while also keeping his status as the great family man? Come on OP, you're better than this.

He's a coward.

Fair enough he's fallen out of love with you but to carry on in a pretence creating a sham relationship is disgusting.

Anyone who says they are doing it for the sake of the children is a big fat liar.

Split up and coparent amicably but do not let him have his cake and eat it.

Bloody hell OP, I'm so sorry this is happening 💐

If he has the kids best interests at heart then tell him to get a place of his own whilst you and the kids stay in the house.

He should continue to pay the bills as he does now and can, by appointment, come and see his children.

This plan should be in place until the youngest DC leaves home (at whatever age).

He should also put money into an account for the pension contributions you missed when you gave up work to bring up your children.

Then, and only then, the bastard should fuck off. And when he gets there the bastard should fuck off some more and so on and so forth!

I have the rage on your behalf OP. Big hugs ❤️

So does the fact that you are 'separated', albeit secretly, mean that you are now both free to pursue friendships and or relationships with members of the opposite sex? If not, why not? Are you still expected to act as his wife and do whatever things you do for him, above and beyond what you do for the children, i.e. washing his socks, preparing his lunch, and so on? Just exactly how 'separated' does he want you to be?

Sorry to hear this OP how difficult 💐
His idea sounds manipulative and creepy, definitely dishonest! Slightly unhinged?

Some great advice on here. It sounds to me as if you are heading for physical separation. So as pp's have said, legal advice, ducks in a row etc.

You may find it serves you to go along with his 'idea' for a few weeks, after that, gloves off and shout it from the rooftops, you need your support network.

How dare he.

It’s not often I read a thread on here and genuinely my heart sinks. I’m so sorry you’re in this situation OP. There is some
amazing advice about preparing to leave by taking your time and getting advice but can I also please ask that you go tell a trusted friend or relative so you have someone in real life to talk with and to process the shock and sadness with. You cannnot do this with mumsnet alone

Whatever his reason, be it another woman or just wanting to hold onto equity is irrelevant now. This is your time to decide how you want your future to look. He loses any input front today. Your kids are old
enough to take on some responsibilities around the house and help with cooking. Even most ASN kids can help out with lots in the home. You’re young and you have a bright future ahead. Don’t let this man control your future anymore. Good luck OP.

@StinkyWizzleteets agree, tell somone irl for sure.

By the way, what's in it for you to keep the secret?

So basically he wants all the benefits of marriage and for everyone to see him as a great dad and family man, while also doing exactly as he pleases with other women?

Yeah, no. Tell him to fuck off. For a start, how the hell are you supposed to move on with your own life and find someone who DOES love you while you’re stuck living with your pretend husband? Secondly, your children absolutely will notice something’s up and that their parents have a weird relationship. Thirdly, he has to provide for his kids whether he lives with you or not, because he’s their bloody father.

He’s treating you appallingly and humiliating you. Get rid of him.

What a piece of work he is to want you to continue as his housekeeper and nanny without pay and without the right to complain as everything has been agreed to suit his convenience.
In the end he'll divorce you and you will end up being left with nothing. Find your pride and anger and see a lawyer. He is very anxious that other people should not know about this - don't be pushed into a conspiracy of silence with him. It isn't for the children'sake that he wants this arrangement. It's for his own sake, his own reputation. He doesn't want to face criticism or persuasive arguments.Maybe his OW,.if he has one, would appal people he knows.Tell your family and his family how he wants you to live. See what happens. But be sure to explore your situation with a lawyer.
Best of luck!

He wants to keep things going as they are without any feeling or consideration for how you feel after hearing what he said. He wants to have you their to do all the housework and childcare and play happy families when he has a new lady friend on the side.

That not fair on you or the children. I also think that doing this won't help your health physically or mentally either and you need both now.

The reality is that you gave up your career to look after his children and due to your help he could work long hours ect. He could be waiting until the children get a bit older to tell you he wants a divorce so he won't have to pay spousal maintenance and he can keep his current set up for a few more years.

At this stage I gather up all your financial documents including his pension details and be willing to pay a good divorce solicitor in cash to find out exactly where you stand. I would then start to look into what work options you have and what training you could do to get a job.
If you put money into your current home I would bring proof of this always as your entitled to this back and the extra value your share has risen by.
Your children are now old enough to help out more in the house and you need to start showing them and making them do jobs at home. This will make your life easier when you go back to work.
Your children are 10 and 13 and you can still be a good mother to them with a job.
At 38 you can get back into employment, build up your NI contributions to get a pension and build up your own private pension.

I would also draw money out of banks accounts and pay for things in cash. I start to put money aside with some one you trust as well in case he decides to get mean down the line re money. If you have good stuff like clothes ect I would sell them online as well and get it paid into PayPal.

I would just behave as normal with your husband and until you have all your ducks in a row. Then tell him you want a divorce as it obvious that he has another woman and your not willing to play happy families for him. The reality is that he going to have pay for this financially and with his time when he has to have his daughters with him.

I know divorce is not easy but you deserve better than what he is suggesting.