Do I go along with my husband’s request?

[OliveWriter]

Myself (38F) and my husband (44M) have been together 16 years. We have 2 children together (13 & 10). Our lives have always been busy but I thought our relationship was solid, he wasn’t just my husband but we were best friends too. I caught him having what is now described as an emotional affair 6 years ago, when I overheard him on a call during the middle of the night downstairs when I woke unexpectedly and it turned my life upside down. He had been drinking and when he sobered up the next day, he promised me, they had never met up, she lived in a different country, it was only something random that had happened on an online dating forum he had reactivated from before we were together, he was needing attention. He blamed it on pressures he was facing at work, secretly drinking too much and I was too busy with our children etc that made him reach out elsewhere and he was sorry. I could then see how damaged he was at the time, something completely out of the ordinary with him as he is such a strong hardworking person, however, I was destroyed but I couldn’t destroy my kids’ lives too so I just eventually carried on.

Things weren’t bad, he always treated me well, we have a lovely lifestyle, I gave up my career when our children were born as his took priority but I have full control over finances. With his type of job, I couldn’t work due to having to be there for our children without any support but I didn’t mind, my children are my life, I’m so grateful I get to raise them and be there watching them grow and know they can always depend on me. I loved him so much I tried to make things work but there was always that niggling in the back of my mind that I would doubt him, the trust was broken but my children adore him, he’s their role model and I would never change that.

Fast forward to present, things eventually came to a head a few months ago and I was told that he isn’t in love with me anymore, he loves me and always will, he loves what an amazing mum I am but again, he isn’t in love with me and that he isn’t physically attracted to me either, hence the non existent sex life which for the past few years I’ve had to ask for sex, which was humiliating but I wanted that intimacy. That crushed me. I asked was anyone else involved and he said there wasn’t. However, he’s now given me an option which is what he thinks would work. We are to separate but no one is to know so we can protect our children. So basically to the outside world we carry on as normal, the children have their parents together, they keep the lifestyle they are accustomed to, we attend things as a family and financially nothing changes. He will continue to work and provide for us all, but I’m not allowed to tell anyone that we aren’t together to protect our children.

I feel trapped as I can’t give my children the lives they have now as I couldn’t afford it financially without my husband’s support which would decrease if we separated properly. Having to sell our house would be the only option as I couldn’t afford it without him, I don’t want to cause them all that upheaval and upset. But I don’t know how I can cope knowing I’m secretly separated. Some days have been easier to cope with it than others but I can feel I’m losing myself, losing my genuine happiness and it’s a real effort to pretend. I feel I’m not doing right by my children pretending to be happy when I’m not but then I think of what I’d be able to provide them on my own and I know that would make me feel less happier as I would be failing them. I’m completely stuck and don’t know what to do. Maybe with time, I’ll eventually come to terms with it and it might become more bearable?

We rarely talk now unless it concerns the children, or the children are around as I try to stay out of his way. I’ve let some of the things I also did around the house slip but he’s stepped in and continues to do it without questioning. I know he can tell I’m not happy but he won’t talk or bring it up as I think he’s also afraid of rocking the boat.

I also know I’m distancing myself from my friends and family as I feel they’ll be able to tell by the way I act as I’m a very open person so I’m now intentionally distancing myself so they don’t work out something is wrong. What do I do, accept his offer and learn how to cope with it better until the children are older? As I’m assuming there will come a day when he decides they are old enough to cope with us separating properly. Or don’t accept his offer and openly separate now?

I would ask him which week ends he will be having the dc so you can sign up to OLD - you need to know when you will be free... See if he still wants the arrangement then...

Big no to this bullshit deal. But first of all you need to focus on yourself.

Yes of course your kids are important and so is their relationship with their dad, but they're 13 and 10 now, you don't have to sublimate all your needs to them and him. You need to sort out how to return to work and support yourself in a way that's viable going forward. There is no question this will end up with a separation and to bury your head in the sand and attempt to keep everything as it is outwardly and materially is futile. You need to see a solicitor, work out what's realistic in terms of separate homes and financial support, and then get your head around your new role in it all.

It's not about letting your kids down. You're a good mother and will continue to be so without being on hand for them 24/7, as most working mums manage to be. Their dad's ability to be a 'role model' for them is his own business and truly not your concern. They're old enough to start understanding you're both humans and not perfect and that not all marriages go on happily ever after. Stop trying to maintain some impossible ideal and start getting to grips with the reality. Living a lie will only fuck you up and therefore your whole family. It'll be tough and painful no doubt, but ultimately the truth will set you free to be the person you're meant to be without this man who doesn't love you holding you back.

My parents split when i was young and trust me when i say, children would prefer happy split up parents than together unhappy parents with material things.

If he is happy to pretend to be together to continue supporting your children, it sounds like he would do what's right in terms of supporting them whilst separated too.

To follow on- my mum made a choice to prioritise us and has never settled down with anyone else and as an adult I regret that sacrifice on her behalf. Children are more resilient than we think and want their parents to be happy in the same way we want our children to be happy.

Take the leap, for all of you.

I get that the rug has been pulled from under your feet, but now is the time for action.

You are SO vulnerable as a SAHP. I would agree to this charade in the short term but actually get busy, busy, busy behind the scenes. Get the full financial picture. Speak to a solicitor. Speak to a mortgage advisor. Accept that your life as a SAHP is over and get yourself back into work in any way possible.

Then separate and divorce. This is no way to live a life. But what you have been given is a little bit of time to prepare for the next phase of your life.

This sounds like a bad idea to me, definitely something else going on there with him. Feels like you are already separated in so many ways but taking the step to separate is a huge one. Don't let him dictate though. If you are going to separate and protect the kids the best way to do that is working together not letting one partner cal all the shots.

So what happens when you find out about the OW he's undoubtably already shagging? Do you just carry on keeping up appearances for him? Because that's the only person he cares about. Not you or the kids. He just wants to keep you all in the background in case it goes tits up with the OW.

Fuck that.

Yup! Great idea!
Goose, gander, etc...

I would bet my house that he is already having an affair.

He is a real piece of work isn't he? He is basically buying your silence. he wants the world to have a good opinion of him. Time for that to change.

Get yourself to a solicitor and get things worked out. When the children are older you won't see your husband for dust.

Bad bad bad idea! He wants you there to manage the house and kids whilst he's doing god only knows what else where. Leave now Toby your head held high OP x

I feel so angry on your behalf, he's a complete cock!! Go & see a solicitor. You can't live your life in the shadows like that. Your children would not want you to.

I can also recommend a book called "I love you BUT I'm not in love with you" by Andrew G Marshall. Good reading!

All of the above

He wants to shag someone else, but doesn't want anyone to think bad of him...fuck that

Gather all your financial documents, passports, birth certificates, bank statements, savings account details and see a solicitor.

You kids wont thank you for staying in a loveless marriage, where you allowed your husband to take the piss.

Please see a lawyer urgently, you don't deserve to be treated like this and by "going along with this life lie" your also complicit in lying to your children- if not for yourself don't lie to them they are not young forever & when they find out... - would you have wanted your own parents to live like that? This is completely on him he just doesn't want anyone to know what a b@stard he truly is. Please you deserve better - don't let this man ruin all your lives, he can't but it is up to you too teach your children how yo respect others but more importantly themselves - lead by example

Honey you tell the world … you move on … actually you take the world by storm and don’t look back .. when you are ready . My advise start making plans and get control …
start saving
reenter the workforce
look for a new home
and when you are ready walk away as an independent woman
best of luck you got this

The absolute neck of him - UGH!!!

He is utterly full of shit. All that crap he gave you when you caught him playing away and now he wants all the benefits of marriage without any commitment.

Find your anger. You are a person who did your absolute best in being his wife. How dare he expect you to put up with this crap?

Kick his lying arrogant ass out. Prick .

So you still get to wash his pants and cook his meals whilst he shags whatever he wants with no risk to his home situation? Absolutely no.

Get all the information on his pension, rough valuation of the house and go and see a solicitor for advice. I would start looking for work now too to stop being reliant on him as he cannot be relied upon.

At some point this will implode so be the one to implode it, control it, get information. I am sorry that this has happened to you.

Absolutely this! I would also ask if he could take the kids out for the evening as you have a date coming over😂

So he wants to trap you ib an arrangement that suits him but not you (since you are unhappy with it).

And you're not allowed to tell anyone you're separated, to protect his image.

At som point in the future when he finds a companion, you'll be expected not to.mind because you're already separated and to not tell anyone because of your agreement.

Until he moves out, and then he'll spin in that it was a lovrless marriage anyway, you'd separated for years, so he's d9ne noth7ng wrong.

OP - you are on your own! See a solicitor, get a job, do what you have to do to look after yourself because he is now the enemy ) and bad for your mental health).

And stop.irining his shirts.

“Big no to this bullshit deal. But first of all you need to focus on yourself.

Yes of course your kids are important and so is their relationship with their dad, but they're 13 and 10 now, you don't have to sublimate all your needs to them and him. You need to sort out how to return to work and support yourself in a way that's viable going forward. There is no question this will end up with a separation and to bury your head in the sand and attempt to keep everything as it is outwardly and materially is futile. You need to see a solicitor, work out what's realistic in terms of separate homes and financial support, and then get your head around your new role in it all.

It's not about letting your kids down. You're a good mother and will continue to be so without being on hand for them 24/7, as most working mums manage to be. Their dad's ability to be a 'role model' for them is his own business and truly not your concern. They're old enough to start understanding you're both humans and not perfect and that not all marriages go on happily ever after. Stop trying to maintain some impossible ideal and start getting to grips with the reality. Living a lie will only fuck you up and therefore your whole family. It'll be tough and painful no doubt, but ultimately the truth will set you free to be the person you're meant to be without this man who doesn't love you holding you back.”

This with bells on.

Don’t go along with this. He’s stringing you along until you no longer share dependent children and he can split properly without having to provide child maintenance or care. You will be left without a career and facing a relatively impoverished old age.

See a really good solicitor yourself for advice. It will be painful but I’d go for divorce and make sure you have someone sharp on appropriate pension valuations and division, - some solicitors are shocking. You need to retrain and/or go back to work to build your earning power while he has to provide 50% of childcare or any wraparound or holiday care you will both need to be able to work.

He’s trying to avoid being the bad guy and also zealously protecting his wealth at the expense of yours. The sooner you get a financial settlement the better and you don’t have to pretend or distance your loved friends. These years matter and you won’t get them back.

"I woke unexpectedly and it turned my life upside down. He had been drinking and when he sobered up the next day, he promised me, they had never met up, she lived in a different country, it was only something random that had happened on an online dating forum he had reactivated from before we were together, he was needing attention. He blamed it on pressures he was facing at work, secretly drinking too much and I was too busy with our children etc that made him reach out elsewhere and he was sorry."

The above - what a load of crap. He went looking and was actively trying to find a sexual partner.
Just like now he is clearly having an affair and you can no longer trust him.
When men have affairs they always blame you and then tell you it's because of the kids or whatever, it's standard parlance for unfaithful men.
His suggestion that you stay as housemaid and child care is laughable. What an absolute twat. Of course he doesn't want anyone to know. He doesn't want to look like a complete bastard in the eyes of the world. He will dump you just as soon as he either wants to or the children are old enough.
One thing is for sure you can no longer trust him.
He could leave you high and dry at any time.
First things first you need to go and get a really good solicitors appointment and find out exactly what you are entitled to. Pay in cash. Don't leave any trails.
Secondly your children are quite old enough for you to either get a job or start training for something that will lead to a career.
You can no longer rely on his money or him. If he decided to leave you he would just go.
A job is your absolute priority now.
Get all your ducks in a row, documents, savings, pension, everything.
Its time for you to get angry and plan your future without him.
Good luck.

Since you are effectively ‘separated’ he needs to do his share of the chores, attend school meetings etc.
If I were you I would start planning for the future; looking for a job, looking at alternative accommodation , taking courses , take up a hobby , speak to solicitors etc
You don’t have to leave immediately, but you should have a plan of action.
When you eventually leave him you will be emotionally and financially stronger.

I did a degree to become a podiatrist at 45 and I'm now on 50k a year. It would be a lot more if I went private. You will find your niche.

Wow what an absolute piss take OP. Please don't accept this, it is all on his terms and you won't be able to heal and move on in this limbo.

I can't believe his brass neck to be honest. I'd rather be skint in a little flat than living with him. Start telling people it's over.

1 See a solicitor
2 Get a job
3 Don't ask, tell. A little bit at the time.

At the moment, he wants you to co-operate with his plans and thinks he has control. He doesn't. Sort out what you're entitled to and how you are going to live without him. Don't look to 'stay in the family home for the children' - get your own place. Security for you and the dc. Don't go for a 'legal separation' if such a thing still exists, waste of money, go straight for divorce.

Understand that none of this is your fault. It wasn't something lacking in you that made him stray. You weren't 'too busy with the children' - he could have shared the burden of childcare and freed up some of your time. First, reframe your mindset, then everything will become clear. Say nothing for now. Make your own plans, like he made his.