Do I go along with my husband’s request?

[OliveWriter]

Myself (38F) and my husband (44M) have been together 16 years. We have 2 children together (13 & 10). Our lives have always been busy but I thought our relationship was solid, he wasn’t just my husband but we were best friends too. I caught him having what is now described as an emotional affair 6 years ago, when I overheard him on a call during the middle of the night downstairs when I woke unexpectedly and it turned my life upside down. He had been drinking and when he sobered up the next day, he promised me, they had never met up, she lived in a different country, it was only something random that had happened on an online dating forum he had reactivated from before we were together, he was needing attention. He blamed it on pressures he was facing at work, secretly drinking too much and I was too busy with our children etc that made him reach out elsewhere and he was sorry. I could then see how damaged he was at the time, something completely out of the ordinary with him as he is such a strong hardworking person, however, I was destroyed but I couldn’t destroy my kids’ lives too so I just eventually carried on.

Things weren’t bad, he always treated me well, we have a lovely lifestyle, I gave up my career when our children were born as his took priority but I have full control over finances. With his type of job, I couldn’t work due to having to be there for our children without any support but I didn’t mind, my children are my life, I’m so grateful I get to raise them and be there watching them grow and know they can always depend on me. I loved him so much I tried to make things work but there was always that niggling in the back of my mind that I would doubt him, the trust was broken but my children adore him, he’s their role model and I would never change that.

Fast forward to present, things eventually came to a head a few months ago and I was told that he isn’t in love with me anymore, he loves me and always will, he loves what an amazing mum I am but again, he isn’t in love with me and that he isn’t physically attracted to me either, hence the non existent sex life which for the past few years I’ve had to ask for sex, which was humiliating but I wanted that intimacy. That crushed me. I asked was anyone else involved and he said there wasn’t. However, he’s now given me an option which is what he thinks would work. We are to separate but no one is to know so we can protect our children. So basically to the outside world we carry on as normal, the children have their parents together, they keep the lifestyle they are accustomed to, we attend things as a family and financially nothing changes. He will continue to work and provide for us all, but I’m not allowed to tell anyone that we aren’t together to protect our children.

I feel trapped as I can’t give my children the lives they have now as I couldn’t afford it financially without my husband’s support which would decrease if we separated properly. Having to sell our house would be the only option as I couldn’t afford it without him, I don’t want to cause them all that upheaval and upset. But I don’t know how I can cope knowing I’m secretly separated. Some days have been easier to cope with it than others but I can feel I’m losing myself, losing my genuine happiness and it’s a real effort to pretend. I feel I’m not doing right by my children pretending to be happy when I’m not but then I think of what I’d be able to provide them on my own and I know that would make me feel less happier as I would be failing them. I’m completely stuck and don’t know what to do. Maybe with time, I’ll eventually come to terms with it and it might become more bearable?

We rarely talk now unless it concerns the children, or the children are around as I try to stay out of his way. I’ve let some of the things I also did around the house slip but he’s stepped in and continues to do it without questioning. I know he can tell I’m not happy but he won’t talk or bring it up as I think he’s also afraid of rocking the boat.

I also know I’m distancing myself from my friends and family as I feel they’ll be able to tell by the way I act as I’m a very open person so I’m now intentionally distancing myself so they don’t work out something is wrong. What do I do, accept his offer and learn how to cope with it better until the children are older? As I’m assuming there will come a day when he decides they are old enough to cope with us separating properly. Or don’t accept his offer and openly separate now?

So he wants his cake and eat it ! He is having an affair and you have to put up and shut up. Will he be happy for you to go out with other men whilst you pretend to be married ? The answer is no because he is just waiting to see how his affair pans out before either telling you he has made a mistake and loves you after all or by leaving you for her or him. You are being treated as a mug. Have an ounce of respect for yourself and your children.

When my parents split in the months before I knew something was up and I was younger than your youngest. Obviously I didn’t know what was wrong but I distinctly remember the feeling something wasn’t right with my parents. They got divorced and were amicable and we still did family days out ect which I enjoyed. A relatively amicable divorce where the parents can still stand one another’s company for a trip to the zoo or a pick nick in the park is far better for kids than two people who don’t love or like one another living together to “keep up appearances”.

I agree. My ExH & I have had a very good relationship for over 15 years. We've co-parented successfully & just celebrated his 50th with friends & family from all sides, including my partner of 13 years. With commitment it can be done. It's never easy as a single parent, and you're always much more skint, but it is better all round.

A few things sprang to mind for me as I read through this.

Your husband seems to have absolutist thinking. It's like he's thought his way into an inescapable hole and the only solution is to follow through with his bizarre proposal.

Familiarity breeds contempt. You've both settled into pressured and outdated roles and modus operandi that maybe it has suffocated your stability together? The pressure of keeping a home looking beautiful AND raising children AND managing finances IS a traditional housekeeping role. The pressure of being the sole breadwinner and provider to pay for that level of status is empty and unfulfilling in the end.

Your husband is at crisis point keeping up appearances yet he's still caving into the necessity to keep up appearances rather than let this situation, and your future together, roll to its own tune. It sounds like he's trying to put structure around something you've already both lost control of. He's active, you are passive. He's creating, you're receiving.

If you both think there is something left to rekindle, not for the sake of your children but for you both, agree to have sessions with a couples therapist as part of this proposal, who can help you both unpick and see the narratives and histories that brought you to crisis point. He's offered one solution (albeit illogical) so therefore you are welcome to offer YOUR proposal. A relationship, not a marriage, is a TWO WAY STREET.

Change things up, breathe some new life into your mindsets and do things that let your confidence in yourself develop. It's easy to do the same role over and over but it gets tired, boring and resentful after time.

People saying your husband is wanting his cake and eating it aren't reading between the lines. It's not like he's just left you and vanished. He's attempting a form of middle ground with you. That's actually a start which can be worked on. You both need to be brave enough to try.

This isn't about the children - it's about him not looking like a bastard to family and friends as he is having an affair and not the first one.

He is clearly shagging someone already.

Please don't do what he wants - it's not good for you or your children. He has done this, not you.

OP I work full time as does my husband and my kids are 1 and 7. I love that it gives me financial freedom and the kids get more time with friends and doing activities at school clubs/nursery which they enjoy. Is it really worth living a total lie so you can not work? What if you got a term time only job or school hours job so you could still be with the kids? Your business could be an amazing ticket to freedom why not persue it?! There is also no guarantee he won't want to split later when his OW/OM wants to get serious (sorry I bet there is an online one even if he doesn't see her/him in person to your knowledge!). They are all crafty buggers where sex is concerned. Also my husband's parents split eventually when he was in his early 30s. They had been basically together but a terrible atmosphere since he was 10 which deteriorated into not talking to each other but putting on a fake façade to others (including me!). It has screwed up my husband (and his sister's) ability to form relationships and communicate, creating no end of difficulty in our relationship which he has had to have therapy for. He wishes they had split when he was younger but money was tight so they didn't. Neither parent has moved on but they could have done perhaps more easily if they had split earlier.

Don't do it for your kids sake because you will be doing them no favours and they might actively resent you in the future for it. My DH will not see his mother as he blames her now?!

Also...don't you deserve a life? Why should you facilitate his to the detriment of yours? Why is he so afraid of splitting if he no longer loves you? Do you think he might be hiding some of his assets from you...? Is he afraid of what his wider family think? Or as others have said is he keen to keep you doing the childcare so he has free time but also doesn't have to provide maintenance which he would have to pay if you split and didn't do 50/50 childcare...maybe he hopes he can wait it out until the kids are past the age when maintenance is payable...! None of these are good reasons...I would get curious OP on his real reason for not splitting... It isn't for the kids sake I can assure you!

Sounds to me like he's already got a bit on the side but doesn't want everyone to know you've separated because he knows he'll look like a complete twat as he's blatantly been cheating on you. I understand your reluctance over your children but honestly they will be able to tell that something is wrong and that's not good for them to live like that. Couples with young children split all the time and as long as there isn't open hostility and abuse in front of them, the children will come to terms with it eventually. Please don't stay just for that. I'm sure your kids wouldn't want to think you'd spent their growing up years in mental anguish because you can't keep up their current lifestyle. You deserve so much better and I really hope you see that💐

HELL NO!

Look, if you need time to get your sh*t together that's fine, take the time you need to ensure you can leave but pretending to everyone that you're still a couple is non-negotiable, it will screw you & the children up for decades.

What a wonderful man he is to suggest this arrangement solely for the benefit of the children. A modern day hero

applauds

Are you a divorce solicitor? This is amazing advice.

Absolutely zero chance I would EVER agree to this. Yes the world won’t know but the children WILL! They will be damaged, they know what’s going on. He is making you model a very unhealthy relationship to your children.

Plus, he gets his cake & eats it while it rips you apart.

You should think highly enough of yourself to walk away from this shitshow. You deserve better than a daily reminder of how despicable he is.

Firstly, you poor thing. This must be so tough.

I'd think you should suggest that you arrange a full day where the kids are out of the way to talk about his plan and the realities of it. Is he really thinking you would do this for the rest of your lives? Surely not? Propose something that works better for everyone. Play on what he has said about still loving you and seeing you as a good mother. Perhaps one year of living together but separated, to give you time to build up to a career again and transitioning the children to the idea? Would it work for you to keep up appearances generally (until you tell the children) but confide in one friend or sibling?

The marriage is no longer working for both of you, and while his suggestion is ridiculous, it does sound like there is still some room to agree a way to separate in a way that works better.

LOL posts like this are why I will never leave this site.

Just wanted to add that it’s really shitty you’re going through this OP. You deserve a lot better.

So he is willing to stay home in the evenings whilst you go on dates.

He will be there in the morning to make sure the children get to school etc as you may have decided to stay overnight at your new boyfriend's place

He is willing for you to have every other weekend away with a new boyfriend ?

Of course he is...not !

@OliveWriter COUNTER PROPOSAL: tell your DH you will honour his crap agreement if he signs your agreement to give you a percentage of his salary which is the equivalent of all the years of work you lost out on a monthly salary inclusive of pension whilst you did all the heavy lifting of the childcare and facilitated his career..what's that.. 10-12 years or so? Depending on what you did we could be talking quite a lot. And you can then use this lump sum in order to launch your business so you will be self sufficient in the future. Oh and he must also agree to keep up the kids lifestyle including all clubs, activities, education etc...see if he still wants to do the arrangement then and if it's still so important to him to keep up appearances....my guess is not.

Wow, what a cunt. It is all about him isn't it? He's getting the best of both worlds and I don't really see what benefit you are getting. I would put money on him pulling the plug as soon as the children leave for college too. It is more than likely there is another woman there too, there usually is.

It's decision time for you I think. What do you want? Do you really want to live a lie? It will destroy you. Think carefully about your children, they see more than you think. Don't fuck them up just because he won't do the right thing. It's a matter of timing really. I do hope that whilst you've been the SAHP, you've been making equal payments into pensions, savings and investments, otherwise he's done a real number on you.

Tomorrow is the first day of a new life for you. You want intimacy so start looking for it elsewhere. Hire a baby sitter if you need one but go out yourself and have some fun. You may find he then wants to get back together but you decide if you want that or not.

You are young, dont waste your life dancing to his tune.

Be honest though. Tell him, just for clarification, that once you're 'separated' you'll be assuming that you're free to seek the intimacy you desire (and are being denied)...and that if you're seen with your hot new beau, you'll be honest with whoever sees you and explain that no, you're actually not cheating. You're seeking your best life with STBXH's blessing, nay encouragement 😁

Online affair? I’ll be surprised if he is not wanting to test drive the new lady with the option of returning to his marriage. Read ‘Not just friends’ and ‘how to help my spouse heal from my affair’. He has form and if he didn’t do the work last time then it could be happening again. Most cheaters do not have the character traits to reconcile successfully - but they are often happy to sweep the affair under the carpet.

Can You make an appointment with a divorce solicitor present all your finances and find out exactly where you would stand if you initiate divorce?

Assuming you would manage the quickest way out of infidelity (and I think he is cheating fwiw) is to serve him divorce papers. It doesn’t mean you are getting divorced but it does show you won’t stand for this half in half out of the marriage nonsense.

I wonder if his lady friend is being spam a yarn about you being ‘separated’? Does his SM show you are clearly in an active relationship? It’s common to say ‘mental health issues so I can’t leave’ or ‘I’m here for the kids’ or ‘we are like separated but living together’ etc. If it’s online your SM is all she has to go on. And cheaters are liars. By saying you have mental health issues etc he is a hero not a cheating husband.

All of this. Also, the OW is probably being told right now "we've grown apart and just live together for the kids", "we don't have sex anymore" "we're more like roomates than husband and wife" etc etc. So he is trying to make you fit into that narrative.

Get out what a selfish cunt he is …you deserve better and tbh the children will eventually know …I did with my parents and I wish they had split when I was young it wasn’t a nice environment you cannot pretend when you still love the other person …fuck him get out tell HIM it’s over get some self respect back girl you can do better there is a whole wide world out there waiting for you come on …sending hugs

OP, gently you're still really young and you'd be sacrificing your happiness. Kids will pick up on it and itll be impossible to maintain. He sounds honestly terrible.

You need to formally separate, your kids will be better for it in the long term.

Is this just his way of firmly getting you to stop asking him for sex?

Now that you know that he is on his way out of the relationship you need to look after yourself. You need to maximise your earnings, your kids are big now and you can't afford to be a housewife even if you eventually end up with a larger portion of the equity. He obviously knows that you will get most of the equity and that's why he is hanging on for a bit longer until he gets to a point where he no longer has to pay child maintenance and for as long as you don't offically separate he can stay in the marital home.

Even though you will get some money in the divorce it's super important to have your own money from the get go because you will need to pay solicitors, deposits, cover the costs temporarily if he decides not to share with you etc.