Do I go along with my husband’s request?

[OliveWriter]

Myself (38F) and my husband (44M) have been together 16 years. We have 2 children together (13 & 10). Our lives have always been busy but I thought our relationship was solid, he wasn’t just my husband but we were best friends too. I caught him having what is now described as an emotional affair 6 years ago, when I overheard him on a call during the middle of the night downstairs when I woke unexpectedly and it turned my life upside down. He had been drinking and when he sobered up the next day, he promised me, they had never met up, she lived in a different country, it was only something random that had happened on an online dating forum he had reactivated from before we were together, he was needing attention. He blamed it on pressures he was facing at work, secretly drinking too much and I was too busy with our children etc that made him reach out elsewhere and he was sorry. I could then see how damaged he was at the time, something completely out of the ordinary with him as he is such a strong hardworking person, however, I was destroyed but I couldn’t destroy my kids’ lives too so I just eventually carried on.

Things weren’t bad, he always treated me well, we have a lovely lifestyle, I gave up my career when our children were born as his took priority but I have full control over finances. With his type of job, I couldn’t work due to having to be there for our children without any support but I didn’t mind, my children are my life, I’m so grateful I get to raise them and be there watching them grow and know they can always depend on me. I loved him so much I tried to make things work but there was always that niggling in the back of my mind that I would doubt him, the trust was broken but my children adore him, he’s their role model and I would never change that.

Fast forward to present, things eventually came to a head a few months ago and I was told that he isn’t in love with me anymore, he loves me and always will, he loves what an amazing mum I am but again, he isn’t in love with me and that he isn’t physically attracted to me either, hence the non existent sex life which for the past few years I’ve had to ask for sex, which was humiliating but I wanted that intimacy. That crushed me. I asked was anyone else involved and he said there wasn’t. However, he’s now given me an option which is what he thinks would work. We are to separate but no one is to know so we can protect our children. So basically to the outside world we carry on as normal, the children have their parents together, they keep the lifestyle they are accustomed to, we attend things as a family and financially nothing changes. He will continue to work and provide for us all, but I’m not allowed to tell anyone that we aren’t together to protect our children.

I feel trapped as I can’t give my children the lives they have now as I couldn’t afford it financially without my husband’s support which would decrease if we separated properly. Having to sell our house would be the only option as I couldn’t afford it without him, I don’t want to cause them all that upheaval and upset. But I don’t know how I can cope knowing I’m secretly separated. Some days have been easier to cope with it than others but I can feel I’m losing myself, losing my genuine happiness and it’s a real effort to pretend. I feel I’m not doing right by my children pretending to be happy when I’m not but then I think of what I’d be able to provide them on my own and I know that would make me feel less happier as I would be failing them. I’m completely stuck and don’t know what to do. Maybe with time, I’ll eventually come to terms with it and it might become more bearable?

We rarely talk now unless it concerns the children, or the children are around as I try to stay out of his way. I’ve let some of the things I also did around the house slip but he’s stepped in and continues to do it without questioning. I know he can tell I’m not happy but he won’t talk or bring it up as I think he’s also afraid of rocking the boat.

I also know I’m distancing myself from my friends and family as I feel they’ll be able to tell by the way I act as I’m a very open person so I’m now intentionally distancing myself so they don’t work out something is wrong. What do I do, accept his offer and learn how to cope with it better until the children are older? As I’m assuming there will come a day when he decides they are old enough to cope with us separating properly. Or don’t accept his offer and openly separate now?

Leaving emotion aside, this proposed arrangement will never work.

Is he going to parent his children whilst you go out and enjoy hobbies/dates;
Are you meant to continue sharing a bed? If not it won't take the DC long to figure out something is up.
Is he going to step up and do his share of housework, running the DC around as he would have to if you were properly separate?
Do you socialise with mutual friends? Is that going to continue?
What if either of you meet someone new (I am sure that this is his intention, if he hasn't already met someone else) are they going to be happy being sidelined whilst you play happy families?
If you are going to continue attending family events, it won't take them long to see through the charade.

He hasn't thought this through has he? He expects you to stay at home and continue as you always has whilst he enjoys the single life. If this is to be the arrangement, it has to work both ways.
I would consult a solicitor, then sit him down and ask him how he sees his proposed 'separation' working. Then LTB.

That’s amazing @Gettingbysomehow!

@OliveWriter - Have a think about what you might choose or be able to do career wise and discuss with your family solicitor. The fact you haven’t worked to support his career currently goes in your favour in terms of the financial settlement but having a plan to become independent financially would look positive in the hopefully unlikely event it goes to court and you have a good case for needing additional financial support while you seek to address the earning imbalance that has arisen due to your agreed sacrifice of your career to raise your shared children whilst he maximised his. This was consensual but still needs addressing as you will no longer share the financial rewards of that decision when divorced unless a financial settlement addresses it.

How about you divorce him then apply for maintenance and get a good enough financial settlement including a share of his pension, that your lifestyle won't change anyway? Wouldn't that be more dignified?

Get financially sorted asap. Ensure you have evidence of what he earns and the money he has.
Do you have a close, trusting relationship with your parents? There was a poster on here a few years ago who over the course of a year or so, syphoned as much money as she could (in cash) and gave it to her parents for safekeeping. I think it was a couple of thousand but it then wasn’t counted as joint and it really helped her that first couple of months.

He’s doing a number on you. How fucking dare he! You can bet his plan is to keep you in place as nanny and housekeeper until these roles are no longer needed and his financial obligations cease. Get out now. You’d be surprised with how you’ll manage both emotionally and financially. Good luck!

What does it mean for him when he says you're no longer together? Is he proposing you see other people?

Tbh regardless of how it works you need the help and support of your friends and family. In the long run you'll be happier and so will your dc if you split properly. Tell everyone and divorce him

I'm so sorry you're in this situation, OP.

I would not agree to this.

Whilst there's no ideal age for your parents to separate, your children are 10 and 13, they're old enough to understand that sometimes people get divorced, they will have friends whose parents are divorced, and they're still a few years away from important exams. I think the closer they get to taking GCSEs and A-levels, the more you will want to keep their lives stable until they're adults. That means you have to live a lie for a really long time, and that's not OK. Your happiness matters. You matter.

My aunt and uncle waited until their youngest child was 18 to get divorced and it still affected her quite badly. She now says she wishes they'd done it years earlier because then it might have been less acrimonious. As things are she worries about things like whether they'll be able to be in the same room at her wedding.

I would formally separate now, get divorced, divide up your assets, focus on co-parenting well with your children's father.

Protecting the kids? Oh purlease, pull the other one.

See a lawyer!
Most likely it will be in your best interests to divorce him now.

I am angry on your account, seriously. Why does he expect you to live a lie, a half-life, until he's ready to pull the plug? This man has no respect for you, or his kids.

You are only 38 - plenty of time to build a new life once you get rid of this idiot.

I was once in a similar situation with a delusional man like this, trying to manipulate me into staying with him against all better judgement 'for the sake of the kids' - I got out and the kids and I have never looked back. And you can too!

I fully get that your blindsided by this all and feel like the rug has been pulled out from underneath you. But you cannot be an ostrich with this.

Your children are old enough to not need a SAHP - get yourself a job, agree to separate but don't keep it this sort of hidden secret. You need time to process and grieve that's not going to happen if you can't speak to people about it.

You can both stay in the same house should you wish to but don't be suckered in to being his housekeeper whilst he lives the life of Riley!

I would get a job as soon as possible and file for a divorce. Its a no brainer.

@OliveWriter - time to get practical and plan. I was almost 10years older than you when i divorced as a SAHP - and you are in a much better place. You have lots more time to rebuild your life.
Most importantly - you will be OK. Remember that.

Look - script or not; OW or not -it doesn't not matter atm as it does not change anything. You married and had kids very young. Maybe as you grew up and matured - you two changed. Maybe he changed.

It is very common for cracks to appear in a relationship after 15+ years of raising kids as it really takes it out on a relationship. To most of my friends who had kids in their 30s it happened when they were in their 40s. And its much harder to rebuild life then.
So you still have time!!

In your place - i’d get counselling to try to come to terms with it. And i’d make a plan.
For now - I’d agree to go along with what he suggested. But you need to retrain or resurrect your career - your kids are older now, so it should be possible.
If you file to divorce now - you’ll be forced to do it anyway and on a much shorter timescale. Use the time you have now to do it in a less painful way.
Maintain a tight grip on financials to make sure he doesn't squirrel any money away.

Do - confine in someone. You need a best friend on your side for support.
And do NOT give up on your life and connections to people.

There is light in the end of it all. I am a few years away from d-day. Kids have adjusted and thriving. My H turned nasty with finances during it all - as a lot if them do. I had to fight hard and defend myself.
Mine was sudden, so no time to prep.
You have that time.

Hardest thing for you now is to put the emotions and pain away and try to find that rational drive. But you need to. For you and your kids.

Thank you for all your responses, as hard it was to read some but that’s just facing up to reality. With regards to my education, I have quite a good degree but that career choice (made prior to children) would not suit my family life, especially as being a single parent is now in my future. I did however recently open my own business (totally unrelated to my qualifications). It’s still taking off but there’s definitely scope on expanding but not the right timing for me atm due to the children & focussing on making what I have successful first. I work part time around my children, one of my children has additional needs and I dedicate a lot of time here. What profit I’ve made so far is in an account solely in my name untouched, my husband suggested it. He said to let it build and could be there for me whenever and just to use our joint account. It wouldn’t be enough to live on or buy my own house although there would be quite a lot of equity in our matrimonial house.

I know a lot of thoughts on him having an affair, I mean he has created that doubt on his on accord however, he works from home, doesn’t go out, doesn’t have a social life, literally he thrives on his career and has done really well for himself but he works long hours from his home office and spends the rest of his time at home. He does have some work trips a few times a year but unless it’s someone from his company (which his head office is the other side of the world) and he meets and travels with them, I can’t see how he’s physically having an affair. I have full access to finances and nothing untoward screams out there either.

I’d say get yourself a job (children are old enough, can use a childminder for a year or so for youngest), sell up and leave. He wants his cake and eat it. The children will be fine, you can’t live like that

Well he's got some brass neck hasn't he?!

What he's "proposed" basically has now put YOU in the position of having to make a decision - so WHEN you decide to divorce this CF he can say to anyone who will listen that it was YOUR decision to separate. While all the way along it sounds like he checked out of your relationship a loooong time ago and I agree with others he's probably already having an affair.

I know you must feel like your world has been turned upside down - but - unfortunately now is the time you need to step up and take control. Get all the information on your finances together. Income, loans, debts, pensions, savings everything.
Also might be worth looking for evidence of an affair. Don't let on to him that you suspect.
Go and see a solicitor for a free 30 min consultation so you can get some advice on your individual position. Then when you have all the information to hand you can then see where you might be.

Honestly - being separated from this guy may be painful in the short term - but long term you will benefit emotionally and probably financially if you separate now.

Finally - talk to someone you trust in real life. talking about the situation with someone you know will help you get things in perspective.

You seem to ignore the point about what your teaching your children OP! Also he would have the children 50% of the time to let you expand your employment or will he just toss them aside as he is trying to do to you. Please see a solicitor asap

Sorry to mention this but he is, of course, negating the payment of any sort of maintenance/child support in his suggested set-up!

I think as a role model for your children - they will sense you are sad / unhappy and think its OK to be unhappy in a relationship.

My friend spilt from her husband - she lived on the top floor, he lived in the basement and their kids in the middle floor - is this an option for you?

It worked so well for her eventually her boyfriend moved into the top floor and they were a happy blended family with lots of childcare options.

I personally wouldn’t rock the boat and carry on as normal for now because you are on a back foot and at the minute not ready to go it alone. I would agree to keep it under wraps on the understanding that you can get a full time job. With a job you will be able to become financially independent and then you can leave properly but at the minute you can’t. I’d play along until your in a better position to actually do something about it then I would divorce and separate as at the minute his got his cake and eating it!

Been there done that. Honestly use the next few months to get yourself to a point where you can separate formally. What he's wanting is to have his cake and eat it!

God OP please say no. He wants to 'front' it out pretending he is being a good husband but actually get to go and sleep around?

Kick him out !! and get therapy for yourself.

He's told you he isn't in love with you or attracted to you. It's over. Put his stuff in bin bags outside and change the locks. This is not worth salvaging. You will be SO much happier single.

Source: I've been there and I am so glad that my freakazoid unemployed predator convicted-of-assaulting-a-woman pedo ex is tormenting someone else since he stopped being attracted to me as soon as I wasn't a teenage girl anymore.

This.

Don’t agree OP. You will be miserable and it will destroy you. ‘I love you but I’m not in love with you’ is so weaselly. You deserve so much more.

There’s a really inspiring thread where the OP, also in an “is this the script?” situation , has kept her powder dry. I would suggest you be mild, agreeable, sweet and understanding. Let the absolute piece of duplicitous shit think he’s got you over a barrel. You will (unbeknownst to him), see all, know all and have no illusions.

Ducks in a row, get yourself legal advice so when it’s time to jump, you jump. Squirrel away money. Do a course and start getting the kids super responsible and helpful while you’ve still got the status quo in play. Kids will be becoming way more independent at a rapid pace from this age, so get them learning to do things for themselves so that when you do split, you’re not overwhelmed with mess and running around after them.

If you say to him you’re not doing it, he’ll react by making things difficult for you. He isn’t doing any of it for the children, he’s doing it for himself, he wants to have his cake and eat it and is probably already either in an affair or minimum on Tinder. Let him think you’re a mug, OP, and get on top of the situation while he’s blithely contemplating his new ideal life of dating with a housemaid indoors.

Don't agree to this you'll end up having a breakdown living a lie

The thing that's missing for me in his proposal, is how is any of what he's proposing DIFFERENT to what you have currently? Except that you stop asking for sex?

I mean, it wouldn't work for me but if he was suggesting that you continue to live together like this but basically have separate lives - you can both see other people etc, but do it discreetly - and perhaps a more formalised financial arrangement (eg a savings account or pension in your name, agreement ton what might happen to the house once the DC have left etc) I could almost see how some people might want to go this route.

Instead, he's simply telling you to suck up what's already happening AND removing any chance of emotional support from your friends/family.