Do I go along with my husband’s request?

[OliveWriter]

Myself (38F) and my husband (44M) have been together 16 years. We have 2 children together (13 & 10). Our lives have always been busy but I thought our relationship was solid, he wasn’t just my husband but we were best friends too. I caught him having what is now described as an emotional affair 6 years ago, when I overheard him on a call during the middle of the night downstairs when I woke unexpectedly and it turned my life upside down. He had been drinking and when he sobered up the next day, he promised me, they had never met up, she lived in a different country, it was only something random that had happened on an online dating forum he had reactivated from before we were together, he was needing attention. He blamed it on pressures he was facing at work, secretly drinking too much and I was too busy with our children etc that made him reach out elsewhere and he was sorry. I could then see how damaged he was at the time, something completely out of the ordinary with him as he is such a strong hardworking person, however, I was destroyed but I couldn’t destroy my kids’ lives too so I just eventually carried on.

Things weren’t bad, he always treated me well, we have a lovely lifestyle, I gave up my career when our children were born as his took priority but I have full control over finances. With his type of job, I couldn’t work due to having to be there for our children without any support but I didn’t mind, my children are my life, I’m so grateful I get to raise them and be there watching them grow and know they can always depend on me. I loved him so much I tried to make things work but there was always that niggling in the back of my mind that I would doubt him, the trust was broken but my children adore him, he’s their role model and I would never change that.

Fast forward to present, things eventually came to a head a few months ago and I was told that he isn’t in love with me anymore, he loves me and always will, he loves what an amazing mum I am but again, he isn’t in love with me and that he isn’t physically attracted to me either, hence the non existent sex life which for the past few years I’ve had to ask for sex, which was humiliating but I wanted that intimacy. That crushed me. I asked was anyone else involved and he said there wasn’t. However, he’s now given me an option which is what he thinks would work. We are to separate but no one is to know so we can protect our children. So basically to the outside world we carry on as normal, the children have their parents together, they keep the lifestyle they are accustomed to, we attend things as a family and financially nothing changes. He will continue to work and provide for us all, but I’m not allowed to tell anyone that we aren’t together to protect our children.

I feel trapped as I can’t give my children the lives they have now as I couldn’t afford it financially without my husband’s support which would decrease if we separated properly. Having to sell our house would be the only option as I couldn’t afford it without him, I don’t want to cause them all that upheaval and upset. But I don’t know how I can cope knowing I’m secretly separated. Some days have been easier to cope with it than others but I can feel I’m losing myself, losing my genuine happiness and it’s a real effort to pretend. I feel I’m not doing right by my children pretending to be happy when I’m not but then I think of what I’d be able to provide them on my own and I know that would make me feel less happier as I would be failing them. I’m completely stuck and don’t know what to do. Maybe with time, I’ll eventually come to terms with it and it might become more bearable?

We rarely talk now unless it concerns the children, or the children are around as I try to stay out of his way. I’ve let some of the things I also did around the house slip but he’s stepped in and continues to do it without questioning. I know he can tell I’m not happy but he won’t talk or bring it up as I think he’s also afraid of rocking the boat.

I also know I’m distancing myself from my friends and family as I feel they’ll be able to tell by the way I act as I’m a very open person so I’m now intentionally distancing myself so they don’t work out something is wrong. What do I do, accept his offer and learn how to cope with it better until the children are older? As I’m assuming there will come a day when he decides they are old enough to cope with us separating properly. Or don’t accept his offer and openly separate now?

No no and no.

OP you have one life. One. This is it. And you deserve to be happy. You’re not, your kids won’t be fooled and it sounds like at some stage a formal separation is inevitable, so why not now?

Get legal advice, even seek advice from women’s aid if you think it’d be helpful (I think he’s being cruel and selfish) and then plan to leave him. While the first few months will be hard, you’ll have the support of your friends and family again, and the prospect of a fulfilling relationship in your future. Please leave him and don’t settle for this sham life.

Then say no you don’t have to do as you’re told it’s up to you too. He will only do this for a few years then leave when he thinks kids are old enough. You only have one life go and see a divorce lawyer and leave with some self respect make plans sort through things and leave him before you and your children waste another 10 years! You will be settled and happy with the kids in 12 months! Bit harsh but I wish you and the kids all the best!

OP tell at least one of your trusted friends what's going on, don't lie & cover this up for him!

Don't isolate yourself from your friends & family, that is too high a price to pay!

As advised by others, seek legal advice & play along for as much time as it takes to get yourself into a position to leave!

But please don't lie to the people who love you to cover up what an actual selfish arse this man is!

He's watching you struggle, watching you become a shell of yourself & he doesn't give a shit!

He isn't your friend!

Basically he's going to have his little set up with you and the kids, you doing all his washing and cooking and looking after the kids, then off whenever he feels like it with some other woman! Honestly your kids will be fuming when they become adults and realise their whole younger years were a lie and a set up, it will also damage their future relationships(my friend is damaged from his mum and dad staying together in an unhappy marriage until the kids were 18) you will be unhappy and single for a long time if you let this play out.

fuck that op

He's set his stall out and it seems to me it is pretty well all about what suits him - if you don't think it is time to ltb then you can use this as a negotiating tactic to improve your situation. So tell him you are going to dedicate time to setting up/working on your business and that he therefore needs to take a step back career wise and pick up the slack with the DC.

You could also tell him that since you are separated you want an open marriage/ability to date...

Seek legal advice

What about you OP? What about your future health, wealth and happiness? One day the children will be grown up and leave and then what will happen to you?

What he's suggested is not a separation, it is a self serving and dishonest limbo where you have to live reliant upon him and behaving as he wishes. Please don't entertain this solution.

If he wants to talk sensibly about cohabiting as openly separated co-parents then that may be different if your child needs a lot of complex care.

Have no regrets about your time out of work but I think you should strongly consider regaining full independence and divorcing even if this is a balance of benefits as a carer for your disabled child, and part time work or self employment.

I know you don't think he has been having an affair and maybe not but even taking the phone woman at face value, he is making himself available. There will be someone soon, I would expect. So I don't think his proposed set up has much longevity anyway.

Full internet access and work trips is opportunity, I'm sorry to say. Not suggesting he is definitely at it, just don't discount the possibility and believe that his proposal is watertight.

If you were my friend I would say please quietly speak to the best solicitor you can find and look into securing your own future. You are young enough to have another shot at romantic happiness in time.

You two have had a good few years and it hasn't worked out. A nasty shock and I'm sorry but leave it at that, don't waste your prime years on being his weird secret housekeeper or awkwardly living with an ex. You deserve a lot more respect as the mother of his children.

I can see no benefits at all (to you) of going along with his suggestion.

For him, yes there are huge benefits ofcourse. He gets to retain you as housekeeper and default parent to your children. He gets to protect his reputation as loyal family man. He gets to live with his children all the time, whilst not being responsible for them. He gets someone to cook, clean, look after him.

All of this whilst being free to date, to sleep with other women, to forge a new relationship (at which point he will likely decide the arrangement no longer works, and will move in with her).

For you, what are the benefits? I can see many disadvantages - still cooking and cleaning for him, and always being the 'parent'; the deterioriation of your self esteem as you live every day with a man who no longer wants you; knowing you're lying to your children and family and friends, and what that would do to your mental health; not being properly free, where you could gather yourself, rebuild yourself and maybe one day meet someone new.

As for your children. Could you live that lie in front of them? How will they feel when they find out? And they aren't stupid - they will realise that something isn't right. Or they will think your relationship is normal and will end up in a similar one when they are older.

What did you decide OP?
I think he's spoken to a divorce solicitor and found out he is going to be paying a massive chunk of his wages to you for many years and lose lots of his pension and house so will wait until the kids are 18 and leave you high and dry and entitled to the bare minimum.

Divorce now before kids get to exam years. Take him to the cleaners.

This. Some relationships like this do work, but only if both parties are ok with it, and lay down the ground rules properly.