Do I go along with my husband’s request?

[OliveWriter]

Myself (38F) and my husband (44M) have been together 16 years. We have 2 children together (13 & 10). Our lives have always been busy but I thought our relationship was solid, he wasn’t just my husband but we were best friends too. I caught him having what is now described as an emotional affair 6 years ago, when I overheard him on a call during the middle of the night downstairs when I woke unexpectedly and it turned my life upside down. He had been drinking and when he sobered up the next day, he promised me, they had never met up, she lived in a different country, it was only something random that had happened on an online dating forum he had reactivated from before we were together, he was needing attention. He blamed it on pressures he was facing at work, secretly drinking too much and I was too busy with our children etc that made him reach out elsewhere and he was sorry. I could then see how damaged he was at the time, something completely out of the ordinary with him as he is such a strong hardworking person, however, I was destroyed but I couldn’t destroy my kids’ lives too so I just eventually carried on.

Things weren’t bad, he always treated me well, we have a lovely lifestyle, I gave up my career when our children were born as his took priority but I have full control over finances. With his type of job, I couldn’t work due to having to be there for our children without any support but I didn’t mind, my children are my life, I’m so grateful I get to raise them and be there watching them grow and know they can always depend on me. I loved him so much I tried to make things work but there was always that niggling in the back of my mind that I would doubt him, the trust was broken but my children adore him, he’s their role model and I would never change that.

Fast forward to present, things eventually came to a head a few months ago and I was told that he isn’t in love with me anymore, he loves me and always will, he loves what an amazing mum I am but again, he isn’t in love with me and that he isn’t physically attracted to me either, hence the non existent sex life which for the past few years I’ve had to ask for sex, which was humiliating but I wanted that intimacy. That crushed me. I asked was anyone else involved and he said there wasn’t. However, he’s now given me an option which is what he thinks would work. We are to separate but no one is to know so we can protect our children. So basically to the outside world we carry on as normal, the children have their parents together, they keep the lifestyle they are accustomed to, we attend things as a family and financially nothing changes. He will continue to work and provide for us all, but I’m not allowed to tell anyone that we aren’t together to protect our children.

I feel trapped as I can’t give my children the lives they have now as I couldn’t afford it financially without my husband’s support which would decrease if we separated properly. Having to sell our house would be the only option as I couldn’t afford it without him, I don’t want to cause them all that upheaval and upset. But I don’t know how I can cope knowing I’m secretly separated. Some days have been easier to cope with it than others but I can feel I’m losing myself, losing my genuine happiness and it’s a real effort to pretend. I feel I’m not doing right by my children pretending to be happy when I’m not but then I think of what I’d be able to provide them on my own and I know that would make me feel less happier as I would be failing them. I’m completely stuck and don’t know what to do. Maybe with time, I’ll eventually come to terms with it and it might become more bearable?

We rarely talk now unless it concerns the children, or the children are around as I try to stay out of his way. I’ve let some of the things I also did around the house slip but he’s stepped in and continues to do it without questioning. I know he can tell I’m not happy but he won’t talk or bring it up as I think he’s also afraid of rocking the boat.

I also know I’m distancing myself from my friends and family as I feel they’ll be able to tell by the way I act as I’m a very open person so I’m now intentionally distancing myself so they don’t work out something is wrong. What do I do, accept his offer and learn how to cope with it better until the children are older? As I’m assuming there will come a day when he decides they are old enough to cope with us separating properly. Or don’t accept his offer and openly separate now?

I've heard of this sort of arrangement working, but only when BOTH parties had lost all feeling for each other, and were essentially flatmates. Is this you? If so, maybe it could work with clear ground rules in place. If it were me I'd be wanting the option of dating for example, so long as it wasn't in the house. And plenty of evenings for myself, to see friends etc outside the house. It's no fun if you're mainly just hanging out with someone who's rejected you.

And yes, sounds like eventually he will decide the children are old enough for a full divorce, especially when he gets a new girlfriend, who presumably won't want to be the "other woman", but share a life with him. Start getting your ducks in a row for that day, re a career for yourself etc.

And your husband is a dick btw x

Can I suggest you make you and the kids staying in the family home a priority? So he leaves (eventually, might be hard to get him out as he sounds clever).

Best for the kids and if he's as altruistic as he says he'd do it. Get legal advice on this, don't let him push you around.

As much as I think everybody has a right to choose who they want to be with & shouldn't be forced into/or made to remain in a relationship against their wishes
I'd take him up on it. Find somebody else & then leave him in the lerch to explain what happened when you inevitably divorce

Your still young & your kids are almost grown dont destroy yourself for this 'man' who simply changes his mind on you (& his feelings towards you) every couple of years at the expense of your mental health & emotional well being

What ever you do dont make sacrifices for somebody who can't be arsed to do it for you

• he's bassically offering you a paid position of nanny & housekeeper to your own children in exchange for you filling the void of him being a emotionally unavailable arsehole while he has complete freedom

@Facetoothpain ...think it's more likely an unpaid position!

So he gets to stay in the family home, which is probably a nicer house than something he could buy on his own. He also doesn't have to pay maintenance and he protects his other assets like his pension for example. He can pretend to the outside world (colleagues etc) that he is a happily married "company" man.

I know you say he has no scope for an affair OP, but that's what I firmly believed about my DH. You'd be really surprised. If he isn't having one, he's lining one up.

Anyway, I think you're placing too much emphasis on your children's material needs and this arrangement is doomed to fail for you and them.

Wow I’ve never read anything so ridiculous in my life! He is basically telling you he wants to separate so that he can be with this other woman while lying and pretending there is no other woman! He can then go about his ‘However he doesn’t want anyone in the outside world to know his sordid secrets! So he thinks you should sacrifice yourself and basically watch him live a separate life while you stick around ‘pretending’ to be together! He isn’t doing this for the children, he’s doing it for himself as a cover up for his own selfish actions! What a selfish bastard! For your own sanity, please leave this absolute arse hole!

OP Your children sound old enough to do without you on hand full time. In your position I would: a) discreetly get together details of any assets you share: houses, pensions, fancy cars, art. b) get a job (if you've been paying down your mortgage for years) - you keeping the house may be more realistic than you think c) hire a good divorce lawyer and ask for a pensions actuary to split pensions and all other assets 50/50 d) confide in a good friend - you need and deserve some support. Wishing you well x

Your children would rather you lived in a smaller house with less activities and a happy mum with self respect than what he has proposed.

Hi, child of divorced parents when I was 13 here! Honestly, we get over it. As long as you never slag off the other parent and facilitate contact, we deal with it.

Keep going as you are I promise they will know. They will know their parent dont like each other, they just will.

You will sort out paying for everything, whether that is more in the divorce or benefits, whatever, there are plenty of single parents out there that do it.

He wants to look like the sterling doting father whilst getting his end away wherever he likes behind the scenes. Fuck that

Your H is proposing this because he wants to be free to see other women (or one particular one) so if you agree to it you're only really buying time until he decides he wants someone else full time, or you can no longer stand the situation. With that in mind your options are to bite the bullet now- you are young with plenty of time to forge a career for yourself to counteract the loss of his income- or sit it out waiting for the other shoe to drop. If you choose the second you would be wise to start planning your future while you wait. Get a job, or training, set money aside, look at housing options. Because if and when he decides to move on properly, you won't get that chance again.

He’s doing this to get a pass to fuck someone else. Don’t do it, you are going to allow yourself to get even more hurt.

Absolutely ridiculous.
Where is your pride? He is making a complete fool of you.
. He gets to seek his thrills elsewhere.
. To the outside world he appears the doting husband and father.
. He has you as a live-in housekeeper/nanny.
. He isn’t answerable to anyone.

If I was you I would rather be skint than remain in this situation.
Seek legal advice, go back to work, then hold your head high.
So what if you’re not as financially well- off as you currently are? At least you’ll have your self-respect.

BTW what an arsehole.

OP, this set up will destroy you and is absolutely unthinkable. He wants to have his cake and eat it- you at home, the ability to shag who he likes and doesn’t even have to feel guilty about his children knowing what an utter cock he is.

What a fabulous role model for the children. Throw him out. When you feel ready to date ( the sooner the better ) and have a lovely partner, you know he’ll go apeshit, don’t you?

No Way. Fuck that shit. You find your anger.

He wants you to be nanny and keep house and do everything that he doesn’t want to take responsibility for and gets to sleep with whoever he wants - and he doesn’t have to pay another penny. He’s worked out that a divorce will cost him. You’ve stayed at home to look after your kids to the detriment of your own career and pension.

You deserve to be cherished and loved. Don’t let your kids see you be treated like that, find your anger and a good divorce lawyer.

I tell you what he wants he wants to stay in the house and not pay child maintenance, you have to leave but you know this just seperate sell the house and move on

He sounds like something out of the Victorian era when men married someone suitable to have children with then went their own merry way with whoever they wanted as a mistress on the side while their wife was expected to bring up with kids without complaint. In your position, I would tell him to go if he wants to and I would get legal advice asap and protect my own interests and those of my children.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. You say you control finances, I would start getting some aside secretly and leave soon. This is going to eat you up and I say this from experience that living with an unhappy mother is far worse than living in poverty (I had both growing up).
You need to leave for your own future too, once the children are 18 you will be left high and dry. Leave now and you have a chance of a better divorce settlement and will have child maintenance. You have a few years till the youngest is 18 and you can work now they are at their current age so you will have a few years to get money behind yourself. You will also likely be entitled to benefits like UC and council tax reduction.

You’ve had loads of no doubt good advice. Just wanted to say the fact you’d consider his “offer” shows how low your self esteem is, it’s really sad. You’re so young, still in your thirties and I hope you go on to divorce and build yourself a beautiful life independent of him.

Wow, this takes cake eating to another level doesn’t it?

He basically wants to shag around and do what the hell he likes whilst still maintaining the facade of a good husband to the outside world and keep his little wifey continuing to do everything to make his life comfortable.

Meanwhile you’ll keep your mouth shut and be complicit in his lies so he doesn’t look like a bad guy, even though this will be at the detriment of your MH and self worth.

There are no words! What an utter piece of shit. I’m so sorry OP.

I'd ask him what the end game would be. Does being separated mean you both seek a relationship elsewhere? If not then what's the point being separated

He may not want you but you can be sure someone else will.

Does he plan to just co habit forever? Or until the dc are 18.

You'll get a better settlement whilst they are young.

I’m sorry your husband is a prick OP.

He doesn’t wasn’t the expense of divorce or having to do 50:50 childcare and that’s why he’s suggesting this. Because he works, and you have not built up a career, he feels you will have no choice.

My friend’s husband tried exactly the same thing they also had 2 DC. She said no after about 6 months. Divorced him. Kept the house. Met a lovely new man who she married and lives happily with many years later. I should add she was working full time and so could take on the mortgage.

Your DC are at an age where you can start to get back into the workplace. I would give yourself some time to get a job if your business can’t be scaled up, get all the financials together including DH pension information, speak with a solicitor and then tell him to stick his deal where the sun don’t shine. It isn’t too late to make sure you get a full state pension by picking a career back up.

The thing that occurs to me is why does he not want people to know you are separating? If he isn't having an affair there would be nothing stopping him from suggesting that you separate, but that you both remain in the house to co-parent the children while they are young, provided of course that things were amicable between you and that you were in agreement. So why the demand for secrecy? That suggests to me that he is hiding something and that he has something to gain from this arrangement. Unfortunately I don't think he is being honest with you. I think he has a plan, he is just not telling you what that is, yet.
Anyway, you have to think about whether you could cope with living a lie for what could be many years. Lying to your kids, to close friends, to family, faking a smile at family occasions. I think that would be extremely difficult, and it would create such an awful atmosphere which would be unbearable for you and I think would really affect your children. They have a right to be brought up by happy parents, even if that means those parents are no longer together.
You are still young - he is telling you the marriage is over so take him at his word - you have the right to start afresh and start planning your new life. His plan takes that away from you. You and your kids deserve better.

Ask him what salary as housekeeper he will pay you?

Stupid man just doesn't want to give up HIS comfortable life with the woman he thinks he's cleverly trapped,

He's awful.

Honestly - fuck him and the horse he rode in on. He wants to be free to shag whoever he likes without the financial penalty of divorcing you. Don't let him get away with it!!