Do I go along with my husband’s request?

[OliveWriter]

Myself (38F) and my husband (44M) have been together 16 years. We have 2 children together (13 & 10). Our lives have always been busy but I thought our relationship was solid, he wasn’t just my husband but we were best friends too. I caught him having what is now described as an emotional affair 6 years ago, when I overheard him on a call during the middle of the night downstairs when I woke unexpectedly and it turned my life upside down. He had been drinking and when he sobered up the next day, he promised me, they had never met up, she lived in a different country, it was only something random that had happened on an online dating forum he had reactivated from before we were together, he was needing attention. He blamed it on pressures he was facing at work, secretly drinking too much and I was too busy with our children etc that made him reach out elsewhere and he was sorry. I could then see how damaged he was at the time, something completely out of the ordinary with him as he is such a strong hardworking person, however, I was destroyed but I couldn’t destroy my kids’ lives too so I just eventually carried on.

Things weren’t bad, he always treated me well, we have a lovely lifestyle, I gave up my career when our children were born as his took priority but I have full control over finances. With his type of job, I couldn’t work due to having to be there for our children without any support but I didn’t mind, my children are my life, I’m so grateful I get to raise them and be there watching them grow and know they can always depend on me. I loved him so much I tried to make things work but there was always that niggling in the back of my mind that I would doubt him, the trust was broken but my children adore him, he’s their role model and I would never change that.

Fast forward to present, things eventually came to a head a few months ago and I was told that he isn’t in love with me anymore, he loves me and always will, he loves what an amazing mum I am but again, he isn’t in love with me and that he isn’t physically attracted to me either, hence the non existent sex life which for the past few years I’ve had to ask for sex, which was humiliating but I wanted that intimacy. That crushed me. I asked was anyone else involved and he said there wasn’t. However, he’s now given me an option which is what he thinks would work. We are to separate but no one is to know so we can protect our children. So basically to the outside world we carry on as normal, the children have their parents together, they keep the lifestyle they are accustomed to, we attend things as a family and financially nothing changes. He will continue to work and provide for us all, but I’m not allowed to tell anyone that we aren’t together to protect our children.

I feel trapped as I can’t give my children the lives they have now as I couldn’t afford it financially without my husband’s support which would decrease if we separated properly. Having to sell our house would be the only option as I couldn’t afford it without him, I don’t want to cause them all that upheaval and upset. But I don’t know how I can cope knowing I’m secretly separated. Some days have been easier to cope with it than others but I can feel I’m losing myself, losing my genuine happiness and it’s a real effort to pretend. I feel I’m not doing right by my children pretending to be happy when I’m not but then I think of what I’d be able to provide them on my own and I know that would make me feel less happier as I would be failing them. I’m completely stuck and don’t know what to do. Maybe with time, I’ll eventually come to terms with it and it might become more bearable?

We rarely talk now unless it concerns the children, or the children are around as I try to stay out of his way. I’ve let some of the things I also did around the house slip but he’s stepped in and continues to do it without questioning. I know he can tell I’m not happy but he won’t talk or bring it up as I think he’s also afraid of rocking the boat.

I also know I’m distancing myself from my friends and family as I feel they’ll be able to tell by the way I act as I’m a very open person so I’m now intentionally distancing myself so they don’t work out something is wrong. What do I do, accept his offer and learn how to cope with it better until the children are older? As I’m assuming there will come a day when he decides they are old enough to cope with us separating properly. Or don’t accept his offer and openly separate now?

It sounds to me like he wants to keep his life - having the children there every day , having a wife at home for the cooking and cleaning and the “family” set up . But he’s not thinking about your happiness at all! What does he propose in terms of seeing other people ? Does he think he can do what he wants , see other people ?

I can’t see how having a miserable mom is benefitting your children ? Yes if you split you may not have the same finances but you would eventually be happier and that impacts them . One day they will discover that you lived years of unhappiness in a loveless marriage just for them and how would that make them feel ?

Honestly I think you need to seperate and you will find a way to manage - you are a person and this is your only life you don’t deserve to live like this x

What price your dignity and self-respect, OP?

Personally, I'd rather see my DC with a mother who won't be treated this way, than have them suffer a broken home (which is their father's choice anywat). .

I would be telling HIM what's going to happen.

Leave me. Leave this house, move out, go live a separate life with whoever makes you happy. Stay as involved with the DC as you like. Maintain the financial support for your DC that you've been providing so far, I will look after myself. Let me be free of you, and you go ahead and be free of me.

And don't you dare presume to tell me who I can and cannot tell about my own business.

If he's your best friend you deserve a better one. You are young and you will have a much happier life if you separate properly. You could have sex sometimes without begging for it (probably on the nights when he has custody). You could have open and honest conversations with your friends and family, without trying to keep this massive secret from them. You could model healthy relationships, honesty, self-respect and resilience to your children.

Get some legal advice.

My parents stayed together when my Dad fell out of love with Mum.... as a child it gave me a totally unrealistic understanding of relationships. Dad eventually waltzed off with a mistress and left Mum embittered. My older brother and sister cottoned on to what was going on, I was a lot younger and thought the strange parent dynamics were normal as I had nothing else to go on. It has had dire ramifications for our family.

Don't do it to yourself or your kids! The toll of lying to everyone, friends, family and potentially work colleagues for years is untenable. It will come out. And don't you deserve a chance to be happy with someone else, if its not him? He is being unrealistic.

He has fallen out of love, its tough, but it happens . Millions of other couples split and make it work. He has already been emotionally unfaithful and I am sorry to say I doubt it stopped there, but perhaps with someone else. However, credit where credit is due, he has spoken up and acknowledged the situation without being caught out but his proposals are not really realistic are they? He doesn't want to face the public music and its cowardly....expecting you to hide this is monstrous.

Him letting you keep the money from your sideline, is generous but only suggests to me that he thinks you may need it....... start squirrelling what you can away now.

Tell him this is a shock to you and you need time to consider your feelings and come to terms with it before you agree anything. Use that time to see a solicitor and then once you know the true picture, decide the way forward then.

I know this is so tough for you so I am sending you big hugs x

He wants to keep his house elf functioning and his money together until the kids are grown and he can jettison you for good. At which point you'll be well and truly screwed.

You need to leave. Your kids will pick up on what's going on and it will destroy their view of what a healthy relationship is. By staying together you are both doing more harm than good. There was a thread on aibu last week/the week before about this, and there was just comment after comment from people who have been stuck in abusive relationships and have no idea of what normal loving relationships are, due to their parents deciding to stay together when they really should have split up. Plus you deserve to be happy. Your husband doesn't get to destroy everyone else just so he doesn't have to do his own laundry.

An excellent summary of the situation.

Hell no!
You are young enough that you could start again and meet someone who appreciates you. Tell him to f**k off.
This isn't healthy for you or your children. You need to show them healthy relationships so they learn from them.

Firstly I am so sorry this has happened to you and can only begin to imagine the emotional shock. Hope you have a close friend or family to turn to?

However lying to your children like this is the worst thing you can do - and risks damaging them both far, far more when they discover the deceit than a divorce now would. They will never trust either of you - or respect either of you - ever again. And it will shape their future relationships. And what if they find out the truth in the middle of GCSEs or A Levels when they could, alternatively, be well adjusted and over a divorce by then? Because they will work it out.

If I am being cynical, this is about him not having to give up his lifestyle or his assets. He’s playing the long game: you agreed together to give up your career to be a FT primary carer as it was the only way for him to do his job - as a result you are likely to be very well looked after in a divorce settlement: 50% starting point and then it will increase in acknowledgement that you have not worked, are (by mutual agreement) the primary carer, that you supported his career (and made his success possible, therefore). Ie. It’s very likely you may get the house and/or a decent spousal allowance. He knows this. If you get divorced after the children are grown/left home, your case weakens.

Go and see a solicitor - or two - and divorce him now. Seen too many woman fleeced in this way. And take care.

I was in this exact situation a couple of years ago. I will PM you.

Could you also PM me? Same situation 😞

Whatever this is about, OP, it's not about the wellbeing and security of your children.

It sounds to me like your DH (or his 7 year old inner child) would like to have his cake and eat it. With you safely siloed as the children's silenced caregiver, he has freedom to play the field.

He's playing on the fact that you have bought into a certain image of family life and the income it takes to maintain that. He's also playing on your own self doubt that it's you your children need, rather than a manipulated and reduced role playing version of you.

Give yourself licence to recover some of your own dreams for your life, imagine how you would manage without him.

Just ask him to leave and sell the house, move on. You deserve to be happy and you being happy will be good for the kids

Take legal advice right away, as others have said you would likely get more than 50% in a divorce.

He doesn't get to play the good guy here either, he's the one who initiated the separation. You would just be choosing to be honest about it.

Don’t live a lie, rubbish for your well-being and the kids will just know, they’re not stupid, they will be able to see the relationship is disfunctional. Leave and role model fulfilment and self care. Money and lifestyle is pretty meaningless as long as the basics are covered.

Don't do it, it just won't work. And I say that as someone whose parents lived (very unsuccessfully) in this way.
You kids will know your husband doesn't love you, you think you can keep it from them but they will be able to tell, and they will grow up with a really dysfunctional view of relationships and how partners should treat each other.
Meanwhile, your self-confidence and self-respect will gradually be eroded as you play out your life in a loveless and soulless relationship.
Your husband will cheat on you to get sex elsewhere. Until, inevitably, he meets someone and decides to walk away after all.

Sure will do. Basically my message to OP from the future is - leave now (ask him to leave), don’t delay or go along with this for any amount of time. It won’t get better and you’ll only be causing yourself (and the DC) more pain - as well as wasting your precious time (and last years of your thirties!).

So you get to be his housekeeper and nanny while he carry's on with another woman and no one is to know?

Fuck that.

I'm really angry on your behalf the audacity of him

He wants you to be housekeeper and nanny, look like a nice man to people you know and do what he likes with who he likes - he's disgusting

However, he’s now given me an option which is what he thinks would work. We are to separate but no one is to know so we can protect our children. So basically to the outside world we carry on as normal, the children have their parents together, they keep the lifestyle they are accustomed to, we attend things as a family and financially nothing changes. He will continue to work and provide for us all, but I’m not allowed to tell anyone that we aren’t together to protect our children

This is not a separation. It's a continuation of your marriage on his terms. I would not agree to it and I cannot imagine that I would ever have wanted my parents to stay together on this sort of basis as a child.

Oh OP this sounds absolutely shit for you.

But you need to now get a thicker skin and start planning with your head and leave the heart out of it. He will benefit financially from you staying until the kids are a certain age and this will leave you financially worse off in a divorce re payments towards children and yourself.

You also need to consider how toxic this will now become for the children. You know they pick up on stuff,things we try our hardest to shelter them from but ultimately they can tell. They will also be forming their lifelong impression on what relationships should be like going forward based on what they're witnessing at home between you two. Do you want them to think it's OK to be in a loveless, cold marriage, is that what you want for them? No, so don't model it as being OK to accept because this will be the bar they then set for themselves.

It's going to be hard, maybe messy but get your ducks in a roe without letting him know. Carry on for another week or so and get a legal aadvice appointment in place. Make copies of all necessary things and start to think about how you can return to work if needed, any courses needed etc? Bide you time but not too much so as to give him the advantage.

I totally agree with this. People close to you in real life need to know what he is putting you through so you can get some emotional support.

Hi OP. My ex husband wanted similar from me several years ago. I was so tempted to say yes. I was also a SAHM with little in the way of my own finances. I had some counselling and realised that I’d never be happy like that. I was effectively becoming his staff.

It was scary but I left. I am now remarried. I own my own home. I am happy. My children are happy.

You are worth much more than this.

Let him think you are happy with this arrangement. However in reality do a total deep dive into your finances.

Speak to a lawyer - find out what is the best out come for you and what you need to do to get the most. As you are the main person who looks after your children that should help. Maybe you could get the house? You should be compensated well with spousal support as you have up your career to raise the kids

Get all your ducks in a row so you are set then kick that cheeky bastard out.

You will be happier long term. Remember you are a person too and you get one life!

I would start looking for a job asap! Even if it takes years remember to get a divorce you need to make sure you are set up for the future