Polyamory - why is it so difficult for people to live & let live?

[FreeSpiritPixie]

Long time lurker, first thread poster here…
so I have recently (in the last year) realised that I’m polyamorous. It’s been quite the journey to get to this point, and I’m extremely lucky that I have two wonderful men who both support me in this. Looking back all the signs were there and I’m also lucky that I had some poly friends to help
me navigate in all these realisations. My big question, aside from the two relationships that I have, is why is it so so so difficult for other people to be ok with it? I’m still in the process of coming out as poly to my friends and so far both myself and my partners have had the whole spectrum - certain people have been incredibly supportive and wonderful, some couldn’t get it but were happy for us as long as we were happy and some have pretty much cut all contact with us because of our choices… whilst I always knew this was likely to happen, I still struggle to understand why some people take such offence to my choice to live my life as I see fit. We are not lying to anyone, we don’t ask anyone else to enter this lifestyle as different things work for different people, and we don’t have/don’t plan on having children whereby there could be many more things to consider. So it’s quite literally me and my fiancée and my boyfriend. And we are all on the same page. So why is it so difficult for some people to at the very least be ok with us making different choices to them? I’d love to say that it doesn’t matter to us and in many ways it doesn’t, but the judgement still hurts, even if we work through it.

I should add that my fiancée is English and my boyfriend is European - and the European side has been far more supportive that the English side. I didn’t expect it, but it’s interesting to see how different people’s judgement is between Europe and the uk..

As you’re not hurting anyone and kids aren’t involved in having to live / spend time with additional people then I agree that what you do is your own business.

From a personal perspective I have been uncomfortable with how sometimes there’s a bit of TMI from people as though it’s something to be celebrated by all vs you’ve got a new boyfriend / girlfriend / your romantic status. I’m sorry to put it this way but think you’re asking for honest – it can be a bit ‘cringey.’ So maybe people just feel a bit uncomfortable with that vs having a moral issue with it.

I think British people in general can be a bit less forthcoming in wanting to discuss these things. As in - good for you but awkward to talk about it in detail.

I don't know what you want people to say. It's beyond the realms of most of us.

About TMI - I think this is why I have difficulty coming out more than I have so far, I have pretty much only spoken to it to the people closest to me unless people ask - I think I’d like to tell more but I feel like most people really don’t want to know/hear about it..

I guess I’d like the people that actively ask, as I don’t really offer the information on my private life unless I’m asked about it and then I don’t want to lie, to accept it as my choice and not dismiss it as a phase or as something entirely insane

Yes I think I understand that point - particularly from people who know all of us involved, I don’t think any of the negative comments have ever come from a bad place, only from a place of worrying about people getting hurt or only doing because me/the fiancée/the boyfriend are calling the shots. It’s just very difficult to explain that we are all really ok with the situation and we all understand & communicate on everything that worries us or brings joy to us!

You should bear in mind that it is quite possible many people who are not in the community and don’t know people in the community have had pretty limited exposure and that’s often 100% negative, I know I’m not the only one. For me it’s a mentally unstable family member who has identified into the queer community and been sucked into a non-relationship with an abusive older man who ‘loves’ her as well as his other women, and who takes and never gives.
I wouldn’t say that to you in person though and I think healthy adults can make it work and it’s a valid lifestyle choice which I am perfectly happy for other adults to make, although naturally it’s more complex than monogamy. I wouldn’t ask you more detailed questions because it would feel like prying into your personal life- I dont ask gay colleagues for example when they first realised they were gay, because why would I?
But I think it is also very conducive to abuse, so the first thing I look for is situations like my family member or where a woman seems vulnerable.

A very fair point and not one I’ve considered before - I’m a woman and this has been instigated by me so I suppose I never thought of it from this perspective, so perhaps I also need to broaden my horizons on how this lifestyle can be perceived/used by certain people. Thank you!

It is probably because it is associated with other cultures more eg African.
It does not have legal recognition in the UK.

I'm not poly, but several of my friends are. Their relationships generally seem really healthy, probably because to make being poly work, really effective communication is absolutely crucial

Why do you care? Apart from your absolutely closest friends why do you care? Why does it matter what people think about your relationships? Maybe spend some time thinking about why other people's validation of your love life is so important to you.

I’m still in the process of coming out as poly to my friends

I don't know why but I really don't like the co-opting of the phrase 'coming out' to cover multiple sexual preferences rather than orientations. I think because of the history of homophobia. Coming out was sometimes dangerous and feels specific.

Shag who you like. Tell people who your relationships are with when it becomes relevant. Decide if the relationship or the reaction is more important.

Also very fair, and quite honestly I don’t know why it matters - I keep telling myself that it doesn’t and most of the time it really doesn’t, but I think I like to be really transparent of who I am and not telling people about this feels a bit like I’m hiding something when I’m not, and I don’t want to feel as such. Perhaps it’s more of a thing that I need to work within myself to accept it rather than look to others for validation.

I always find the idea of poly fascinating. I’m very much everyone to their own so it wouldn’t bother me at all.

I know a few people in multi-people relationships and I just think it’s up to them how they live their life. I didn’t find out via a ‘coming out’. I just knew one particular group was 2 males and a female and they all are in a relationship with each other and another is 2 female and a male who again are all involve with each other.

I would only judge if kids were involved, otherwise do what you want!

Isn't polyamory a recent social media trend?

Why do you feel the need to 'come out' and tell people that you're shagging someone on the side?

Polyamory works until the side piece wants to become the main piece and then it doesn't.

I don't think it's a case you are asking people to let you live and let live, you are asking people to participate, for example would I have 3 people on a wedding invitation or if I had a barbecue would you expect 3 people to be invited? You have already established a hierarchy in this relationship with one described as a boyfriend and one as fiancee.
Most couples I know have been together for over 20 years, to think that there isn't a phase in life when you don't get on would be unrealistic. I can't imagine factoring another person in the wings when that happens. Triumvirates are powerful things.
Life is wonderful and full of surprises, what would happen if you did fall pregnant, would you stay with the biological father or fiancée and how would you expect them to reconcile this? Accidents happen. What would happen if your work was enormously successful would you be happy supporting 2 men, (I assume you are female) would they be happy supporting each other?
Your choice of language is very interesting too - journey, coming out, supportive. It sounds like you have someone in your ear tbh.

Most people do 'live and let live'. No one is stopping you being polyamarous, you are free to do what you want. But like anything else you do, people can judge you and for the lifestyle you are living. You seem to be demanding that people 'be okay with it'. A lot of people, myself included, find it incredibly sleazy and wouldn't want to hear about it. You are talking with an assumption they are wrong to feel that way - they arent.

In my experience people who are poly seem keen to tell people, as though its an identity. And its nothing new or daring btw. It makes me think of horrible mormon men with about ten 'sister wives' or my FIL who has two wives (fully legal in their country). Gross.

sounds young and immature.
really no one cares about your sexual journey.
long term i'm foreseeing mental health issues.

obviously monogamy and fidelity isn't for you or your friends, so when it all goes upside down don't be surprised if it's met with no shock horror or support.

You don't have to show your whole self to everyone. Not that you have to hide yourself but you don't have to share where it's not actually relevant. Who you sleep with will be deeply fascinating to you but pretty much no body else cares.

As long as you don't being children into this the what you do behind closed doors is your business.

However, I personally find it sordid and sleazy.

This^^ You don't "come out" for a lifestyle choice! It's a choice, stop being so confrontational and a drama llama 🙄

I think its because you are trying to make a peculiar situation seem ok by giving it different labels. You can’t change the dynamics of a situation, one that people instinctively know is unhealthy and fraught with tension, by giving it a new and improved name. It’s like if cheating suddenly had a rebrand and all the participants were suddenly valid and empowered. It’s still the same old situation that’s been around for centuries, just with a new marketing campaign.

How do you know if someone is polyamorous?
Because they tell you obviously.
Does anyone actually care? No.
Crack on @FreeSpiritPixie so long as it works with you guys it's got nothing to do with anyone else.