Polyamory - why is it so difficult for people to live & let live?

[FreeSpiritPixie]

Long time lurker, first thread poster here…
so I have recently (in the last year) realised that I’m polyamorous. It’s been quite the journey to get to this point, and I’m extremely lucky that I have two wonderful men who both support me in this. Looking back all the signs were there and I’m also lucky that I had some poly friends to help
me navigate in all these realisations. My big question, aside from the two relationships that I have, is why is it so so so difficult for other people to be ok with it? I’m still in the process of coming out as poly to my friends and so far both myself and my partners have had the whole spectrum - certain people have been incredibly supportive and wonderful, some couldn’t get it but were happy for us as long as we were happy and some have pretty much cut all contact with us because of our choices… whilst I always knew this was likely to happen, I still struggle to understand why some people take such offence to my choice to live my life as I see fit. We are not lying to anyone, we don’t ask anyone else to enter this lifestyle as different things work for different people, and we don’t have/don’t plan on having children whereby there could be many more things to consider. So it’s quite literally me and my fiancée and my boyfriend. And we are all on the same page. So why is it so difficult for some people to at the very least be ok with us making different choices to them? I’d love to say that it doesn’t matter to us and in many ways it doesn’t, but the judgement still hurts, even if we work through it.

Obviously I’m not going to say “shagged partner X” any more than I would say “shagged the guy I live with” but if I went to dinner or theatre with a partner, then saying “I saw Mamma Mia with a friend” is a bit of a cover up.

Why is just saying that you saw Mamma Mia (though surely being such an interesting and non-herd individual you actually went to see something much more avant garde and challenging?) with a friend a cover up? No one at work really wants to know who you're shagging. Well, not unless you work solely with other 20-somethings who are all equally into trying to seem more interesting than you are. Take it from someone who's done her time in offices and organisations, you really don't want to take your whole self into work. You take the parts of you that allow you to function efficiently and enable smooth relationships with co-workers. The rest of the stuff you leave at home.

Thing is nobody cares at work if you say you went out for dinner with Rob and then the next time mention Marcus. If they care they will then ask you, oh who’s rob is it a family member. You can say no it’s my boyfriend. They if they want more info can again ask. Boyfriend? I thought Marcus was your partner. Yeah no I’m poly so I have both. Oh ok.

Im not sure unless it actually affects anyone, anyone else really care who’s taking you out or who’s in your bed. Now invites out could be awkward like I wouldn’t be giving you two plus ones.

Pondering how ok your fiancé really is with this since he hasn’t decided to do anything poly as such and doesn’t hang out with your boyfriend. More like a one sided open relationship.

Err, what?

1. I was talking about conversations with friends, not colleagues.
2. I haven’t said a single thing about being avant garde.
3. I’m not a 20 something, as would be apparent from my posts saying one of my relationships had lasted for over 20 years.
4. If you thought you were quoting the OP, you weren’t.

HTH.

I'm not sure polyamorous is a very helpful term, because it can mean so many things.

It could be a group which all live together. Or only some of them live together. Or none of them. People involved could be heterosexual, gay or bi. They might all be sexually involved with each other, or only with particular individuals in the group. They might go out as a group or only in couples. They might be a closed group, or open.

Behaviours outside of any particular agreement would be cheating, but you can't assume which behaviours that would include for any given group, whereas in a monogamous couple, you can assume anyone outside the two would be cheating (though obviously some couples may agree to open their marriage in one way or another.)

I think everyone involved needs to be really good at communication and lots of people really aren't, even in monogamous relationships. Society is geared up to monogamous couples (and even now, the default is still heterosexual.) The more people involved, the more logistically challenging it can get (as it can be in any busy family.)

I think you do need to let others know in some ways - if I were in such a relationship, I'd want to spend events like birthdays and Christmas with everyone involved, but I'd also want everyone involved to spend time together, even if not everyone involved were sexually involved together. If outsiders are involved, whether invited or doing the invitations, they'd need to know for numbers.

People will mostly only know the poly people who go on about it, because the ones who keep it private... won't mention it to you... so you could know more poly people than you're aware of. Who knows?

I'm not sure polyamorous is a very helpful term, because it can mean so many things.

It could be a group which all live together. Or only some of them live together. Or none of them. People involved could be heterosexual, gay or bi. They might all be sexually involved with each other, or only with particular individuals in the group. They might go out as a group or only in couples. They might be a closed group, or open.

Surely the same is true of the term ‘relationship’ though? I suppose with ‘relationship’ a lot of assumptions are made, without actually knowing the detail.

You haven’t told us reasons for wanting to get married to a person who isn’t enthusiastic about dating other people too. I suspect that you (like the husbands I previously spoke of) are the one in the relationship who doesn’t want to stay faithful and your fiance is trying to appease you by agreeing to an open relationship at this time. It’s unlikely he will continue to agree to this in the years after you are marrried because the purpose and benefit of marriage is to fully commit to one other person. I understand different romantic relationships having different hierarchies, but I think polyamory very rarely works when it involves a married couple because one person always ends up wanting a monogamous relationship.

No, it has been a ‘thing’ for MEN in other cultures since….records began ( not the same thing). Women were very much expected to restrict their sexual partners to the man to whom they were married or betrothed, because otherwise familial loyalty and often inheritance would be difficult to establish.

There are really a handful of historical examples where women in recognised relationships ( marriage tbc) had open relationships with men other than the husband. The poet Byron was thé ‘cicisbeo’ of a Venetian lady; these were escorts ‘approved’ by the husband , who was usually occupied sexually by other women - although the relationship was not ‘supposed’ to be sexual, and there was a strong preference for a homosexual male.

The examples of polyandry are even fewer, and are usually regulated by the males in a society where women are at a premium because there are not enough to go round ( one of the ‘unforeseen’ consequences of female infanticide and underprivileged childhoods).

Straightforward infidelity has of course been happening since we came down from the trees, but the female participant was usually severely disciplined if discovered.

Nithing to do with the OP, but revisionism just muddies the waters.

How is polyamory different from open relationnship really? Seems it's the same thing. Still no clue why people feel the need to advertise it, is it to be original or for others to feel sorry or maybe envious for you sleeping with multiple people?

It can be the same. But you could have a closed group of e.g. three where any other sexual relationship would not be allowed, same as it would be for most monogamous relationships.

I think polyamory very rarely works when it involves a married couple because one person always ends up wanting a monogamous relationship.

Meh. I know plenty of married poly people. I suspect more than you do.

Usually they are both poly (which doesn’t seem to be the case for op) but I also know at least one couple, like OP, who are mono-poly (with the woman having other relationships and the man not)

The fiancé knows the situation; he can make an adult decision as to whether he wants to be in the relationship. Same as a man and a woman who have differing views on having kids may split up over it, or one may decide they are happy not to have kids. Give him credit for having agency!

Why do you think OP is advertising it?