Polyamory - why is it so difficult for people to live & let live?

[FreeSpiritPixie]

Long time lurker, first thread poster here…
so I have recently (in the last year) realised that I’m polyamorous. It’s been quite the journey to get to this point, and I’m extremely lucky that I have two wonderful men who both support me in this. Looking back all the signs were there and I’m also lucky that I had some poly friends to help
me navigate in all these realisations. My big question, aside from the two relationships that I have, is why is it so so so difficult for other people to be ok with it? I’m still in the process of coming out as poly to my friends and so far both myself and my partners have had the whole spectrum - certain people have been incredibly supportive and wonderful, some couldn’t get it but were happy for us as long as we were happy and some have pretty much cut all contact with us because of our choices… whilst I always knew this was likely to happen, I still struggle to understand why some people take such offence to my choice to live my life as I see fit. We are not lying to anyone, we don’t ask anyone else to enter this lifestyle as different things work for different people, and we don’t have/don’t plan on having children whereby there could be many more things to consider. So it’s quite literally me and my fiancée and my boyfriend. And we are all on the same page. So why is it so difficult for some people to at the very least be ok with us making different choices to them? I’d love to say that it doesn’t matter to us and in many ways it doesn’t, but the judgement still hurts, even if we work through it.

Live however you want. Your choice sounds revolting but if you like it crack on love. Oh, but please drop the attention seeking behaviour. You’re not doing anything special.

Kind of ironic that this thread is chock full of posters who indeed find it difficult to live and let live. In between all the "we couldn't possibly care less" every third post is either calling the poly lifestyle sordid and disgusting, or expressing faux-concern for those in it.

In my experience poly people are prone to talking a LOT about the lifestyle and it's not as interesting as they think it is, but I do understand why you'd feel the need to tell your friends. When someone I know gets a new partner (singular) they tend to tell others for the purposes of invites and so on, so... of course if you get new partners (plural) you'd do the same. And that involves telling people you're poly. Calling that "coming out" is tone-deaf though.

(The sex stuff is the easiest bit of polyamory to understand. The aspect I can't get my head around is when you ever have time to yourself between work, life, friendships, hobbies and TWO relationships? So my conclusion is that poly people must be extreme extroverts who can't stand to be alone ever, which also fits with them being the type of people who never shut up about themselves.)

Couldn't agree more.

Aside from those concerns, really, no one cares, no one wants to know, especially in detail.

What exactly are you expecting people to do or say?

My thoughts on this:

• why do you need people to approve of your lifestyle? if it makes you happy that is all that matters

• the word 'coming out' is inappropriate in this context. You are still heterosexual...

• why do people need to know about who you have sex with/are dating?

• people throughout history have had lovers, often with the main partner turning a blind eye ,so this is nothing new. It just seems to me like it has been rebranded in the past few year with a cooler name so people can openly justify it as a normal lifestyle and go on about how it is all about love when in reality it is more about sex and wanting variety.

What bothers me with polyamory is if there are children involved. They should not have to be confused by their parent(s) having several partners or be exposed to taunts in the playground. Beyond that you can do whatever you want.

There is also a tendency with poly people to go on and on about how evolved, ethical and so on their lifestyle is which becomes annoying very quickly.

Just live your life but respect the fact that many people will always see your choice as odd because you are in a minority when it comes to how people choose to live their relationships.

Why on earth are you 'coming out' to people. Who cares who you sleep with? This all smacks of 'Look at me I'm so very cool with my poly lifestyle' Honestly, no-one else cares.

Honestly I wouldn't care if done properly and if you weren't making a big deal out of being special and different or whatever. I don't even see why you need to "come out" as anything, why not just say you also have a boyfriend? British people in general don't like identify labels in my experience. A very good friend of mine has this set, she just told me casually one day that she also has this relationship and her fiance knows, we talked about it like we would a single friend starting a new relationship and a bit about the arrangement, it has never bothered me at all. But she wasn't trying to make out like she has a new exciting sexuality, it was very much "and I also have a boyfriend".

Because people think you are going go want to constantly talk about it sexually and its arkward or they think you want them involved and they again avoid you

Entirely your perogative to have sex with whoever is a consenting adult of course, but my gut reaction is that it's rather sleazy.

It's just messy really isn't it? Trying to juggle emotions and sex with two other people. Making sure no one feels lesser or jealous or left out. It just sounds to me like it's has the potential to be a lot of drama - and that the type of person drawn to it would be the sort who enjoys that.

Again – you equate it to just shagging. It’s not just shagging. It’s a relationship.

I am expected to accept it is a totally different sexuality

Nowhere has OP said it’s a different sexuality.

So you don't "discover" you "are" polyamorous. You start being polyamorous. Totally different things.

Discovering is OP’s phrase to describe how she had feelings that she did not know were compatible with polyamory. She is allowed to use language that she think accurately describes her feelings.

The second one does not require "coming out" - revealing who you are.

Once again, she can choose to use this phrase to let her nearest and dearest know she is currently in a relationship with two people and that they can likely expect it in the future.

And yes, it is primarily about sex.

As someone not in the relationship, you are not entitled to declare what it’s ‘primarily about’. The people in the relationship do.

I wouldn't be offended if I introduced a partner to people and they assumed I was shagging him/her. Because it would be true. It's not rude at all.

I didn’t say it equates to people thinking you shag your boyfriend (and you full well know I didn’t). I said it’s like introducing your boyfriend to your friends and family and them not caring because they say ‘isn’t it someone you JUST shag’. It’s disrespectful and dismissive and unless you’re a total a-hole, I’m betting you would not say that to a friend or family member who introduced you to a partner who meant a great deal to them.

You’re not ‚coming out‘. You’re just choosing to shag more than one.
Don’t advertise it. Just get on with it.

And if you choose to have kids, make sure you actually know which one is the father. Medical histories matter.

Finally - no, many don’t like it. Probably because the ‘normal’ polyamarous people just get on with it and don’t feel a need to advertise. They go the summer fair, on vacation and attend BBQs like the rest of us. They hold down jobs without drama.
But they aren’t the poly people that society usually comes across/notices. Those are instead the ‘out there’, multi pierced ones with noticeable mental issues. They like to lecture you about it while inviting more people into their (orgy by the time you’re up to 4?). They marry one, but it’s clear to outsiders that the wife actually prefers one of the ‘boyfriends’. The kids have no idea who is the actual daddy. They spend all their time proclaiming they are now - insert latest sexuality here - etc. they demand everyone around them keeps up with their latest (ever changing) causes and pronouns. And yes, this is based on a currently quadruple I know.

Don’t be like them. Get on with your life and people will leave you be. They all want to be left alone too. But start loudly proclaiming your sex life and acting like you’re special, and they’ll get fed up and then mock you.

Hmmm... I have some acquaintances who are poly and competely define themselves by it. They are constantly flooding social media with updates on their poly lives- who cares-, and jabbering on about how traditional relationships are jealous and controlling. They still don't seem any happier than most people, though. I steer clear of them to be honest. They seem like hard work.

However, if you keep it mostly to yourself, I don't care. I don't really have the brain space to be supportive to anybody though at the moment. If you mentioned it, I would probably be like "Ok, TMI" and move on.

Do what you want, just don’t talk about it and expect me to be interested. In an ideal world, I wouldn’t even know you were.

You’re not a ‘free spirit’ either. You just like shagging multiple people - no one else needs to be informed of this

Do what you want - whatever consenting adults get up to is their own business. Just don't assume anyone is interested or wants to hear about it. In my experience, people who bang on about their 'alternative' lifestyles such as being 'poly' or into 'ethical non-monogamy' are either dullards trying to make themselves sound edgy and cool or blokes on OLD cheating on their partners.

Do your friends know your fiancé? Do they perhaps think he is being a bit put upon here, and not want to be bystanders for that?

You have discovered you are polyamorous and have taken on a second boyfriend. There is nothing to suggest that your fiancé is polyamorous, but he has decided to put up with you shagging other men in order to keep you. If I heard that story from one of my friends, you can bet I would be distancing myself from their unfaithful girlfriend. I’d also be expecting the whole relationship to implode once my friend rediscovered their self-respect.

*The second one does not require "coming out" - revealing who you are.

Once again, she can choose to use this phrase to let her nearest and dearest know she is currently in a relationship with two people and that they can likely expect it in the future*

People have explained why they find this phrase inappropriate. She can use it, yes, but it sets an 'off' tone.

I also think quite often at least one of the partners is not happy. It's often the wife, but it can be the husband. One of my married acquaintances in her 40s who has recently come out as poly has gone quite bananas: spends all day talking about her poly journey on social media where she is lauded as "brave" and "furious"and all that stuff. Meanwhile, her DH looks deeply unhappy whenever I meet him.

I don't see it as a very brave choice myself, but these days all of social media is very much " Rock on you incredible queen". I find it all cringe. I reserve my praise for people who actually accomplish something

It can't be surprising that people view polyamory as being primarily about sex given it's the only defining difference in forming relationships between - for example - you (polyamorous) and me (monogamous).

My course of friendship, upon meeting someone new, will mirror yours entirely with only one exception; the possibility of sex.

You've posed the question "Do you view monogamous relationships as being primarily about sex? Or could it be more about how much you care for and respect the other person?" then ended on a throwaway quip about dinner. My friends know who I'm bringing to dinner. Your friends having to ask who is flavour of the month does not smack of a caring and respectful circumstance 🙂

I’ve met 2 people who are poly, as far we I’m aware. Both of whom were also conspiracy nuts who just went deep into how the overwhelming majority of humans are wrong and they are right, that we aren’t designed to be with one person.

Not saying this is you but this is a perception I have from my limited experience.

Yes, effectively been there. I had a girlfriend who was bisexual - she also decided she wanted a relationship with a man. I went along with it because I was young, madly in love (or thought I was), and didn't have anyone to talk to about it (undiagnosed autistic at that point and newly out). She did what she wanted, he got what he wanted, I got the crumbs. It was crap.
No doubt there are plenty of relationships like this that can work (call it poly if you want, I call it selfish) but equally there will be those where one person comes off worst.
But don't feel the need to announce it OP - you're not special, you're just shagging around.

Welcome to the world. People judge. And gossip. It's human nature.

But not everyone. Some of us would really rather people didn't 'come out'. I really don't want or need to know about the sex life, romantic life or family set up of anyone I'm not actually in a relationship with myself.

I realise that it's a thing, I do. But I don't understandwhy it's a thing.

Hey everyone, I felt it's important you all know who I fuck and who I'm attracted to.

Ok. Why would I care? How does it affect my life? I don't want to fuck you so why do I give a shit?

Obviously people do care otherwise 'coming out' wouldn't be a thing. I just cannot understandwhy anyone cares about other people's personal lives or preferences if it doesn't affect them in any way.

As long as kids aren’t involved do what you want. I’m just absolutely amazed that you’ve found two ‘great’ blokes. Well done for that at least because me finding one has been like looking for the holy grail and I never did succeed (given up now).

English people are also European.
not the point of this thread but seriously??

It’s because it’s effectively announcing that you are shagging two blokes at the same time and most people feel uncomfortable talking about what others get up to in the bedroom. It’s also because most people can see that it’s likely to end in tears for one party further down the line. Probably wondering why you agreed to marry one of them when there is a part in the vows of “forsaking all others”.

My personal view is how on earth does anyone have time for two relationships?? Do you have jobs? Normal friends? Hobbies outside of sex? I’m clearly very boring but I just don’t understand the set up.

Maybe they don’t. It’s OP herself who has decided to ‘come out’.