Polyamory - why is it so difficult for people to live & let live?

[FreeSpiritPixie]

Long time lurker, first thread poster here…
so I have recently (in the last year) realised that I’m polyamorous. It’s been quite the journey to get to this point, and I’m extremely lucky that I have two wonderful men who both support me in this. Looking back all the signs were there and I’m also lucky that I had some poly friends to help
me navigate in all these realisations. My big question, aside from the two relationships that I have, is why is it so so so difficult for other people to be ok with it? I’m still in the process of coming out as poly to my friends and so far both myself and my partners have had the whole spectrum - certain people have been incredibly supportive and wonderful, some couldn’t get it but were happy for us as long as we were happy and some have pretty much cut all contact with us because of our choices… whilst I always knew this was likely to happen, I still struggle to understand why some people take such offence to my choice to live my life as I see fit. We are not lying to anyone, we don’t ask anyone else to enter this lifestyle as different things work for different people, and we don’t have/don’t plan on having children whereby there could be many more things to consider. So it’s quite literally me and my fiancée and my boyfriend. And we are all on the same page. So why is it so difficult for some people to at the very least be ok with us making different choices to them? I’d love to say that it doesn’t matter to us and in many ways it doesn’t, but the judgement still hurts, even if we work through it.

Presumably lots of people are polyamorous but just don’t tell their partners about it and are just unfaithful. The difference is that you are open about it and have found two other people willing to be part of that type of relationship. People are wary of it because in societies where it is acceptable it is usually used by men to exploit women. It is also troubling when there is any kind of power imbalance in a relationship. It is between consenting adults so that is fine but it isn’t necessarily something that people see as a positive trend.

This all just sounds immature and attention seeking.
Someone will always end up getting hurt and why you feel the need to ‘come out’ is beyond me!
If you want to shag more than one person at once you go for it but don’t shout it from the rooftops.

It's definitely not new, many a marriage has survived a blind eye and acceptance that at least one of the pair needs more than a monogamous relationship. People just didn't label it, it's the need for your sex life to be publicly validated that's the difference.

So you say you have a boyfriend and a fiancee, do they also have relations with each other? Do they have other people they are in relationships with and if not would you be happy for them to have others also? Do you all live together? If not and its just a case of you have a fiancee you live with then a boyfriend you see separately how is this any different from an open relationship

I'd be perplexed if someone I knew lived with their fiancee and was telling me they were polyamorous because they also had a boyfriend they meet up with, because why would they think I care or what's the need to share it.

As ever first reply nails it. Why do you feel the need to go on about your sex life to people? Honestly no one cares. I often think the thrill self declared polygamous people get is from telling others about it

This. It's a bit cringey and smacks of attention seeking. None of my friends who are monogamous go into detail about their sexual exploits out of some kind of wish to garner attention and praise so I dont know why poly would be any different. Truly, noone cares, and most of us are too focused on our own issues/life to be wanting updates from others on their relationship. I honestly dont want to know. There is absolutely no need for some dramatic announcement FGS.

How does it affect your everyday life? If I invited you to dinner would you bring two people not one? Because I'd need to know that so I could put an extra chop on. And I suppose you'd want people who live near you to know or they might assume you were having an affair. Apart from that-surely the intimate details of your sex life is something you only share with close friends.
As someone who lived through a time when homophobia made "coming out" an incredibly brave and potentially even fatal thing to do -as it still is in many countries-I find the co-option of the expression to mean "I have a non typical sexual preference" somewhat distasteful.

Personally, I don't want to know what other people get up in the bedroom. I would hate for one of my friends to 'come out' as poly and to then want my validation and approval. Do what you want, but don't involve me and don't request my approval of your lifestyle.

If you're gay and want people to know so they don't assume you're straight - fine - I get why you'd want to 'come out' and clear up that misunderstanding, but for everyone else with their 'But I'm special, give me attention!!!' shit, please just keep it to yourelf.

I remember watching a Louis Theroux documentary on polyamory a while ago. Some of it focused on a "throuple" consisting of one married M/F couple and then an extra boyfriend who had a sexual relationship with the women.

The husband was very mild mannered and quiet and totally enthralled with his wife. It was obvious that he would much rather it was just him and his wife, but didn't want to lose her so was going along with it.

There was another relationship featured that involved kids and various mother and father figures, it just seemed like a recipe for disaster and potential harm tbh.

If I loved the people involved in the poly relationship I would probably be quietly concerned tbh, but if you were some sort of vague aquinatance I would be wondering why you need to tell me?

@biscuitsnow "None of my friends who are monogamous go into detail about their sexual exploits "

They don't have to. There is still an assumption that people are monogamous and heterosexual. And bring one partner to a dinner party.

Shag who you like but banging on about your 'journey' and coming out makes you look a bit attention seeky.

Exactly what everyone else has said.

Lots of people are "poly" in the sense that you mean, and would happily shag more than one person if they could find partners who accepted it.

You don't have a different sexuality to everyone else. You just have a more obliging fiance!

(Just to add, I hope he is free to shag whoever he wants as well, and the boyfriend. I have seen lots of unequal set ups in this kind of scene and it always troubles me).

I suspect that nobody you know cares much that you are shagging more than one person. I"m certain nobody has fallen out with you because of it.

They may have stopped talking to you because they find your use of phrases like "coming out" offensive when this is in fact not what you have gone through.

Sorry, that has come out harsher than I intended, but seriously, go steady on what you are saying. If you have friends who are gay or bi and have genuinely had to face the struggle of "coming out", they will find you "coming out" about fancying more than one person (like, no shit Sherlock!) really quite offensive. As I do.

I think a lot of 'queer' lifestyle people are middle class, quite privileged white people who don't feel 'special' enough, and so are fetishising oppression. Gay people and women have suffered actual discrimination that, in some cases, has cost them their lives. In many countries, it still does. It must stick in the craw to have people who choose to label themselves and think that being part of an oppressed minority is something glamorous that you choose because you are embarrassed about your trust fund.

The ignorance and misconception on this thread is rather … a lot. My favourite so far has been ‘if cheating had a rebrand’. Nice.

It’s not just shagging 🙄, which is pretty disrespectful. You’re actually in a relationship with more than one person, invested emotions, quality time and all. So yes, ‘coming out’ (or whatever phrase you want to use) can be rather important when you don’t want your friends and family to be super confused when you’re spending time with one or the other.

If you introduced a monogamous boyfriend/girlfriend to your friends and they said ‘why do I care? Isn’t it someone you’re just shagging?’, that’s exceptionally rude.

OP, you’ll get mostly disrespect on MN. It’s generally tight-laced and judgemental. Plus rather man-hating so they certainly won’t like that you have two 🤣

I would consider therapy before polyamory.

I'm in an ENM relationship - DP and I date other people with full disclosure and consent.

I find it interesting that many posters' immediate thought is that polyamory is about sex... that you're somehow immoral or boasting because you're having sex with multiple people. Do you view monogamous relationships as being primarily about sex? Or could it be more about how much you care for and respect the other person?

For me, ENM has enabled me to view my relationships in a different light. I can meet a person who I enjoy spending time with and want to get to know better without having any limitations on what that relationship might turn into. We could become great friends, lovers or partners - there's no expectation. And that's been rather wonderful.

I don't tell many people that I'm ENM as it's really none of their business. But my close friends know as they'll ask who I'm bringing to dinner!

The only person I know who was trying to push his girlfriend into this I disapproved of massively because I felt it was him wanting to to sleep around and he was hurting his girlfriend
I felt strongly that all parties should be consenting to this lifestyle

I tend to assume that it's not healthy for at least one person involved and that there a dominant person getting their cake and eating it

I also assume that there are commitment / childhood issues and therapy would cure this problem for you all

That's my honest reaction to polyamory

Poly relationships remain entirely niche, in spite of poly being a concept for decades, so it appears that most people find it unappealing, and I think probably associate it with other character traits and scenes like swinging.
People aren't obliged to approve.
If anyone asks the nature of your relationship(s) either tell them it's private or tell them the truth, if you feel comfortable. At least that way you're not volunteering it ergo not inviting opinions, and that allows you to tell people you don't want their opinion if they give it unprompted. Simple 🙂

It's about people's personal experience isn't it. You may well have healthy relationships within polyamory, but all I know of it is that it has damaged the lives of people I know.
One friend decided (after heavy hinting from her DH) that she wanted this lifestyle. She did the whole coming out thing, only to find that living that way caused her a lot of emotional pain, and that any sexual pleasure came at the expense of her MH.
Then there was the man who cheated on his wife, and instead of acknowledging his shittiness, said it was because he was polyamorous and that if she wanted to remain married to him, she had to accept the fact that he was going to shag around.
Then there was the woman who has a lot of trauma in her background, lots of trust issues and insecurity, and she's set herself up as the voice of polyamory on TikTok, talking about her sexual experiences and not being careful of her own safety, never tackling the emotional side.

Lots of people only see this side of polyamory. I've never met a poly person who wants it normalised- the unusual and risky aspect is part of what they like about it, so they do tend to want to talk about it a lot.

Yeah don't 'come out'. That's cringey.

I know a few people who practice ENM and it doesn't bother me at all.

I just think it just be a logistical nightmare

This. Presumably you think you are cooler than the rest of us monogamous old farts. No one needs to care whether you are having sex with 1 person or 101 people. Your relationship is your business. It isn't more interesting or more special than anyone else's.

I genuinely don’t care or want to know what people get up to in their sex lives - it’s literally the least interesting thing about them. I question why, if you’re happy with the arrangements you’ve made (presuming all is equal and consensual), you feel the need for external validation of your choices? Do you also crowdsource approval of your other decisions? Mortgage switches? Choice of car? The colour you paint your downstairs loo? Or is it just this part of your life where you feel the need to share and force others to contribute?

Making an identity out of this lifestyle choice smacks of your not having anything else which is interesting about you. Probably should examine that.

I was always a fan of Miss Hoolie, Polyamory seemed like such a nice village to live in.

Perhaps you could live and let live yourself? If anyone is interested then respond to their questions. Beyond that just get on with it?As long as children are not involved.

If you insist on encouraging conversations about it you are likely to get more negativity, for the multiple reasons pp have suggested.

And no, you are not "coming out". That applies to sexual orientation. The fact that you would adopt the term suggests huge self-absorption and a lack of respect for the very real discrimination and oppression homosexual people have faced, and in some places/situations still do.

I don't think the disapproval is coming from people who are "tight laced and judgemental". I certainly don't see myself like that. I have had periods of my life where I have been shagging more than one person, so have many people I know. Coincidentally, my three closest female friends are all currently in this situation for different reasons (tho they haven't "come out as polyamorous). I don't find it especially exciting and interesting when it's done by other people. (Obviously I did find it exciting and interesting when done by me, or I wouldn't have done it!) I think what is getting to other posters, certainly what is angering me, is that I am expected to accept it is a totally different sexuality, when it isn't. Loads and loads of us would enjoy sex (and romance, if you like) with multiple people, it we could make that work.

It's not a sexuality. It's a lifestyle choice.

So you don't "discover" you "are" polyamorous. You start being polyamorous. Totally different things. The second one does not require "coming out" - revealing who you are. You can disclose your lifestyle if you like, but it's a very different thing.

And yes, it is primarily about sex. Because if she had one sexual partner and close relationships with other people, she would be monogamous with close friendships (like most people). It's the fact that she is shagging multiple people that makes her relationship (slightly, not very) unusual.

I wouldn't be offended if I introduced a partner to people and they assumed I was shagging him/her. Because it would be true. It's not rude at all.