Polyamory - why is it so difficult for people to live & let live?

[FreeSpiritPixie]

Long time lurker, first thread poster here…
so I have recently (in the last year) realised that I’m polyamorous. It’s been quite the journey to get to this point, and I’m extremely lucky that I have two wonderful men who both support me in this. Looking back all the signs were there and I’m also lucky that I had some poly friends to help
me navigate in all these realisations. My big question, aside from the two relationships that I have, is why is it so so so difficult for other people to be ok with it? I’m still in the process of coming out as poly to my friends and so far both myself and my partners have had the whole spectrum - certain people have been incredibly supportive and wonderful, some couldn’t get it but were happy for us as long as we were happy and some have pretty much cut all contact with us because of our choices… whilst I always knew this was likely to happen, I still struggle to understand why some people take such offence to my choice to live my life as I see fit. We are not lying to anyone, we don’t ask anyone else to enter this lifestyle as different things work for different people, and we don’t have/don’t plan on having children whereby there could be many more things to consider. So it’s quite literally me and my fiancée and my boyfriend. And we are all on the same page. So why is it so difficult for some people to at the very least be ok with us making different choices to them? I’d love to say that it doesn’t matter to us and in many ways it doesn’t, but the judgement still hurts, even if we work through it.

You sound a bit attention seeking, in a benign way but still 🙄

You say you want to be more transparent but then make the comment that you want people to ask you directly as you don’t lay open your private life. Which one is it? And why do you care? Why should anyone else care? What a strange post. You’re clearly after some validation or need an audience for your „musings“.

You seem on par with Vegans and Cross-Fitters (apologies if I offend, I mean this in a light-hearted way) who have to tell everyone about their choices. 😂 Crack on girl with whatever you’ve got going on and enjoy it.

PansyPolly · Today 11:24
”I do find this hard the longer I am actively in poly situations, though. I see the people I am dating reasonably often, so I actively have to avoid mentioning them if I’m asked “what did you do at the weekend?” or whatever. Obviously I’m not going to say “shagged partner X” any more than I would say “shagged the guy I live with” but if I went to dinner or theatre with a partner, then saying “I saw Mamma Mia with a friend” is a bit of a cover up.

(Which is why I thought the coming out analogy was reasonable, TBH)

I have told a couple of very good friends - and I have said absolutely nothing about the sex 😀 - because I wanted to be able to chat about my life freely.”

@PansyPolly - I do see what you mean. And that “what did you do at the weekend?” question can seem loaded. DH and I weren’t very active in our open relationships so that perhaps made it easier not to say anything.

I do think it’s realistic to expect some (not all) people to back away from people they know to be polyamorous for the reasons I mentioned in my post: either they think that their own partners will be regarded as fair game (which of course they wouldn’t be but the dynamics around this are not obvious to everyone) or (probably more likely) they worry that their own partner might fancy some polyamory if it seems so easy to do. Those reasons (especially the first) were reasons why I discussed it with very few people and on a need to know basis only (basically the people who were involved). Those aren’t necessarily good reasons but they were my reasons.

And there are all kinds of things that might cause a friendship to drift over time: different life stages; busy job; busy family life; divergence of interests; divergence of political views; one person wants to party hard (alcohol/perhaps drugs) - the other prefers a quieter time etc.

I do think it’s realistic to expect some (not all) people to back away from people they know to be polyamorous for the reasons I mentioned in my post: either they think that their own partners will be regarded as fair game (which of course they wouldn’t be but the dynamics around this are not obvious to everyone) or (probably more likely) they worry that their own partner might fancy some polyamory if it seems so easy to do.

These aren't the reasons why I have backed away from my polyamorous acquaintances., of whom I have at least two who are "out". I am absolutely certain they are not interested in my DH. I am also fairly certain he's not interested in polyamory ( in as much as anyone can be certain).

@MotherofGorgons - yes, apologies for seeming to suggest they may be the only two. I can see there may be others. But those were the reasons I had in mind (particularly the first) for not sharing beyond those who had to know. I didn’t want my choice to be in an open relationship to become a source of anxiety for friends. Probably I’m saying more about how my own mind works than anything else. But there was a lot of infidelity in my parents’ relationship and it has probably skewed how I look at things.

I suppose it can make things more complicated in things like when friends are sending out wedding invites, or buying presents, or having dinner parties. Do friends have to invite both partners to events? And buy for three adults at Christmas? I can see why some people couldn't be bothered with that hassle. Life is busy enough without trying to figure out how to accommodate your friend's extra boyfriends.

Especially as people who go on 'journeys' to 'come out' about this sort of thing are likely to be very quick to see themselves as being marginalised if you get it wrong. I imagine that a failure to include one the other or both partners could easily be seen as a failure to affirm the OPs identity or an attempt to impose monogonormative behaviour on her...or..something.

Yep. Then what might end up happening is no partners are included in things so the polly partners won't look like they are being excluded. Which will then annoy other friends though because it's not their lifestyle choice that has changed the dynamic of the group.

@HollyKnight do your friends buy for your husband/fiancé/boyfriend at Xmas? Mine don’t. I only have one friend I still exchange a gift with and she and I don’t buy for each other’s partners at all.

Regardless, you could just ask… “oh, great, glad you are happy… should I get X a present this Xmas as well as Y, or just stick with Y as I know him quite well?”

Of all the reasons to think that your friend shouldn’t tell you something that is important to her about her life, that is quite the insignificant one.

As for whether or not you include two partners -ask her! Or say “there is only space for one plus one, who do you want to bring”?

People aren’t poly to inconvenience you, y’know.

Well, haven’t you just set up your own straw woman and made an argument about it?!

Did OP say any of those things?

Nope. I'm not arguing with anybody about anything. I was agreeing with another poster and then adding my own opinion that it can be difficult for the friends of people with special identities not to cause offence. I would only be 'arguing' if someone had previously said something to the contrary and I was disagreeing with them. As they haven't I'm merely opining at this stage. Obviously you may proceed to argue with me if you wish!

Um no it's been a thing in other cultures since the beginning of man 😂

I think OP's response was very gracious under the circumstances, and her update was quite sensible, so I am thinking that if she doesn't use the word "journey", everything will be fine!

Eh I didn't say anything about not telling friends. I said I could see why some people couldn't be bothered with the hassle of maintaining that friendship. And yes my friends and I do buy for each other's partners because we're all friends. Also, no, I wouldn't ask if it's ok to leave one partner out.

@HollyKnight so rather than split your present budget three ways, or talk to your friend about bringing one rather than two plus ones… you just couldn’t be arsed with the hassle of staying friends with them?

That’s one way to do friendship, I suppose.

Anyway, enough. I’ve made my points and I’ll leave you all to it; I cannot be bothered with the hostility on this thread.

@PansyPolly Maybe if you stop putting words into people's mouths, you'll stop triggering yourself and having to flounce.

@Fuckstix

Hah. There's most definitely a sense of superiority, her exciting and adventurous personality and we ought to be in awe stuck in our dull grey sexless lives!

To be honest I wouldn't be that interested if it was a close friend either! I'm not 12 and people's boyfriends/girlfriends whatever aren't really of interest to me. My friends and I don't really talk about our long term partners that much, unless there's some drama, or just a general catch up about how they are, we talk about so many different things that our intimate relationships aren't featured all that much.

But surely you'd expect her to explain who this new person was she's talking about?

Look, I personally think it sounds like her fiance is being pressured into a situation where he loves her and is trying to make her happy.

It was her idea. He's not interested in dating anyone.

It almost gives midlife crisis vibes.

But of course as her friend I'd want to know. I talk to my friends about everything. I'd be more upset if she didn't tell me.

OP this is not meant to mock you but whenever I hear about poly couples this song pops into my head.

I didn’t know that one. But it’s hilarious! (I also hope OP doesn’t feel mocked 🙈)

and I am rather partial to a good board game, btw! <= insert menacing scowl 😇

Lol I'm a board game person too!

That said I am pretty terrifying. Lol

'Coming out as polyamorous...'

OP has already apologised for using the phrase ‘coming out’. Perhaps read the thread?

Yes, mum. Sorry, mum. Thank you for pointing that out to me, mum

You’re very welcome