Polyamory - why is it so difficult for people to live & let live?

[FreeSpiritPixie]

Long time lurker, first thread poster here…
so I have recently (in the last year) realised that I’m polyamorous. It’s been quite the journey to get to this point, and I’m extremely lucky that I have two wonderful men who both support me in this. Looking back all the signs were there and I’m also lucky that I had some poly friends to help
me navigate in all these realisations. My big question, aside from the two relationships that I have, is why is it so so so difficult for other people to be ok with it? I’m still in the process of coming out as poly to my friends and so far both myself and my partners have had the whole spectrum - certain people have been incredibly supportive and wonderful, some couldn’t get it but were happy for us as long as we were happy and some have pretty much cut all contact with us because of our choices… whilst I always knew this was likely to happen, I still struggle to understand why some people take such offence to my choice to live my life as I see fit. We are not lying to anyone, we don’t ask anyone else to enter this lifestyle as different things work for different people, and we don’t have/don’t plan on having children whereby there could be many more things to consider. So it’s quite literally me and my fiancée and my boyfriend. And we are all on the same page. So why is it so difficult for some people to at the very least be ok with us making different choices to them? I’d love to say that it doesn’t matter to us and in many ways it doesn’t, but the judgement still hurts, even if we work through it.

But how do they feel special? 🤣

I think there are generally different types of 'awkwardness'. Invariably, one person in the relationship ends up liking another a bit too much, then it all breaks down because they can't handle seeing their loved one 'shared' (or conversely, they find someone they love more), and the relationship breaks down.

Or, people simply see the men in this case as 'simps'. Basically, you're having your cake and eating it too, and these men are viewed as being whipped/played. Many people find it difficult to respect men (or women) who put up with this.

I'm actually going to a wedding of someone polyamorous, but this lady lost an amazing husband/father to her kids because she wanted this lifestyle and he went along with it until he couldn't any more. Many people see it as a car crash waiting to happen...

I think because you’re doing something uncommon you’re feeling a bit awkward that it stands out but that’s just how life is. If you do something that’s not the mainstream it will be that way. If you introduce a fiancé people will assume you’re not in a relationship with another as they’re not going to be thinking about you and your sexual preferences. You just have to accept most people will be that way and it’s no issue for you if you are happy in your choices.

I can see the appeal but in reality most polyamory relationships people have knowledge of are often not the healthiest. In relationships with rankings I always feel sorry for the less important person as why would you choose that for yourself?

For me it would be like telling me you are vegan. I can fully understand it but it makes no difference to me, unless I am inviting you for a meal.

My ex was 'poly,' news to me. That meant I was the problem for being upset when the cheating was announced!
Aside- there is apparently/ anecdotally a crossover between poly and narcissism which is a massive turn-off to be around.
The younger queer community seem to have adopted poly/ENM as a rejection of 'heteronormative' monogamous relationships, and if the latter is your preference you are to be seen as less evolved.
Someone always gets hurt.
They don't shut up about it.

There was a case of polyamory in my distant extended family. They waxed lyrical about it and even introduced the second guy (my relative) to their young kids and family. The arrangement ended when the wife and my relative ran off together and moved in with each other. It would have been a lot less embarrassing to them if they had simply kept it private rather than “coming out”.
My kids made the comment that it’s “such a white people thing to do.”

This post reminds me of a colleague at work who was very keen to “come out” as poly to various people at work including me when she joined. I found it a bit baffling, she was nice enough but I don’t know what kind of reaction she was expecting? It seemed a bit like she was hoping to shock people or create some kind of waves. Personally I prefer not to know too much about my colleagues private lives, I don’t see that as any of my business or interesting. I remember saying to her at one point when she was talking about it again, “I don’t care” which I felt a bit bad about as I don’t think it was the reaction she was after but it was how I felt. I found the whole thing a bit exhausting.

This thread reminds me of the old joke- How do you know if someone is polyamorous? Don’t worry, they’ll tell you.

I can’t speak about your friends’ reactions but, based on reactions people had to a colleague who was polyamorous, it might be a combination of things-

—concern about exploitation and abuse (of course these things happen in monogamous couples too but there’s certainly a type of polyamory that it’s baked into- usually one man with power and multiple women without power). That’s not your situation, op, which is good but some people’s reaction will be based on a feeling that polyamory tends to attract abusers who want to use other people as a resource, and vulnerable people who end up getting used in that way.

-As others have said, a sense that you’re co-opting the notion of “coming out” for what is really just a lifestyle choice.

I agree with this.

The fact that you are framing this as ‘coming out’ and your ‘sexual journey’ and ‘realizing you are poly’ may be influencing the reactions you get.

op, keep it for yourself. No one gives a shit and you would like an attention seeking narcissist. Shag as many men as you want (I would do regular STD tests if I were you) but don't dress it up"polyamory" or any other made up word. Sometimes I really think "what world we live in" where we need to declare everything to the world.

Why do you have to tell anyone/everyone? Do what you like.

I can totally relate to this and the recasting of an ex's common or garden cheating as being poly. Plus the pressure to be the cool girlfriend and go along with it.

I hope it all works out for you OP, but ime polyamory is definitely narcissist-adjacent. My ex's preening self-regard, superiority and labelling of anyone non-poly as 'vanilla' is certainly something to behold. I think if everyone just shrugged and said 'whatever' he'd be deeply disappointed!

I am not poly but I have friends who claim to be! In all situations I've seen it play out it appears there is one anxiously attached partner who goes along with it, so their partner can have their cake and eat it resulting in some very worrying emotional reactions. Not saying that is everyone's experience and I'm sure many that are poly don't have this experience

It's a lifestyle choice, not a different category of human being. The vast, vast majority of people are capable of finding more than one person attractive at once. Being in a relationship with more than one person at once is simply a decision, not an identity. It's not a decision which would appeal to me, but if it suits you, by all means crack on!

This is the o my experience I've had (not directly) where men take advantage of emotionally vulnerable women. I was at a party and the partner who was supposedly happy to be poly, broke down when her partner was getting with someone else! Really sad to see.

No, not all African and European people are ok with it.
( And the UK is a European country).

we are monogamous as a species going back 100s of years, i wouldnt believe a man truly loved me if they could share me with someone else Also, those that are in love believe profoundly that if you love someone 100% they are more than enough and you cant give yourself to anyone else. I don't think you can have a deeply meaningful and loving relationship with 2 people at once. Having said that people can do what they like its just not for me

I imagine the people who have stopped talking to you are fed up with hearing about how special you are.

Shag who you like. Stop telling everyone.

I really miss the days when who you slept with was the least interesting thing about people....this whole "bring your whole self" out of your front door is incredibly tedious..

You want people to care about something only you care about? Genuinely whenever I meet anyone who is poly or describes themselves as in a thruple I just say how nice then wait for the inevitable bad breakup. Not one of these relationships has ever made it longer than a year. No point investing myself in their life choices.

I suppose it’s very hard to define what you are doing. You are calling it polyamory. Why is it different from having an open marriage? Or cheating, though the official partner is aware and tolerating it?

A marriage is supposed to be monogamous. It is clear what is expected and acceptable. Anything other than that is cheating.

Your arrangement may have a name but it isn’t defined very clearly. If one of your men gets a girlfriend is that ok or not? Do the men get to sleep with each other, or not? If you get a girlfriend is that ok?

I know a couple who opened up their marriage, and it ended the way it often does- one playing away and one deeply hurt.

Most people really don't care, OP. Shag who you want but please don't make us think about it.

I find using the phrase 'coming out' quite tacky, tbh. Coming out was a huge and difficult thing for gay people in the past, and is still a rite of passage for many (although thankfully less so nowadays in this country). Coming out made you a target, it was dangerous. You having two boyfriends is not quite the same thing.

Technically, monogamy is a majority cultural practice and not biological (as a species). Anthropologists have postulated a few reasons for penis in vagina monogamy:
-inheritance protection for the fathers of children of women they sleep with resulting in restriction of women’s sexual partners to just one man
-tracing bloodlines to prevent incest/inbreeding or actively encourage it if of a certain royal bloodline.
-health and hygiene - avoiding STIs that can also cause life limiting illness or chronic poor health in any children.

there are more that I can’t remember rn.

Honestly - all the poly people I know have been so attention-seeking, and it’s really off-putting. It’s all ‘look at me and how special I am, not a boring monogamous person like you are’. This was back in the 90s/ 00s when I was in my twenties, and doesn’t seem to have changed now. Your comments about coming out, the ‘journey’, and wanting to tell people ‘more’ are really giving off this vibe.

Personally, I think polyamory is likely to include power imbalances and it’s usually men who have the power, though that’s not the case here, and it seems to take up so much time and mental energy with analysing what’s going on and how everyone is feeling.

What age are you and your friends? At my age (40s), there’s so much other stuff going on in my life (work, children, elderly in-laws) that I just wouldn’t have the time or patience to want to know more. Especially if I had to listen to you going on and on about it, or that you’d be telling me details of your sex life (common among the poly people I knew).

I know all that sounds harsh, but I suspect it’s how a lot of people feel.

Absolutely this. Most people don’t give a crap what you get up to in the bedroom. Its this whole ‘I’m so special I need you all to give me attention to validate that’ having to announce to the world most people find tedious.

Make your own choices and crack on - but don’t think the withdrawal has to pat you on the back and praise you.

Really it’s not that it’s difficult to ‘live and let live’ more that no one really gives a shit and doesn’t need to hear it.