Polyamory - why is it so difficult for people to live & let live?

[FreeSpiritPixie]

Long time lurker, first thread poster here…
so I have recently (in the last year) realised that I’m polyamorous. It’s been quite the journey to get to this point, and I’m extremely lucky that I have two wonderful men who both support me in this. Looking back all the signs were there and I’m also lucky that I had some poly friends to help
me navigate in all these realisations. My big question, aside from the two relationships that I have, is why is it so so so difficult for other people to be ok with it? I’m still in the process of coming out as poly to my friends and so far both myself and my partners have had the whole spectrum - certain people have been incredibly supportive and wonderful, some couldn’t get it but were happy for us as long as we were happy and some have pretty much cut all contact with us because of our choices… whilst I always knew this was likely to happen, I still struggle to understand why some people take such offence to my choice to live my life as I see fit. We are not lying to anyone, we don’t ask anyone else to enter this lifestyle as different things work for different people, and we don’t have/don’t plan on having children whereby there could be many more things to consider. So it’s quite literally me and my fiancée and my boyfriend. And we are all on the same page. So why is it so difficult for some people to at the very least be ok with us making different choices to them? I’d love to say that it doesn’t matter to us and in many ways it doesn’t, but the judgement still hurts, even if we work through it.

Just so I understand this correctly ... you have a fiance and boyfriend, and they know about each other? Well, that all sounds fine, you're all in agreement. Do you go out as a threesome, or see each chap separately? Also, if you wanted to introduce another man into the circle, or if one of the chaps wanted to have another woman as a partner, would that be acceptable? I've never heard of this before, and while I find it a bit odd, I can see the benefits .... you have two men you love, and whom love you .... if one dies you still have a partner, you're not left on your own to grieve. Do the men go out as mates together?
Sorry for the questions, I'm just really interested!

Is there a need to "come out"? Other than friends and family, most people don't need to know and probably don't care who you're sleeping with. As long as it's all consensual, just be happy and live your life.

Polyamory isn’t new in itself. There have been many experiments in “free love” and communal living. The 19th century intellectuals and socialists tried it, for example. But in many cases they questioned the whole concept of marriage itself, which at the time involved the ownership of women and their secondary status in law. So I’m curious to know if your polyamory has a larger philosophical basis to it. You say one man is your fiancé and one is your boyfriend. Why? Will you eventually marry your fiancé while remaining a thrupple? Why? Why commit yourself to two men (though the commitment seems unequal in the naming of the relationships)? Why not another number of men? Why marry at all? These are just questions that occur to me, OP. Whether you’d like to answer is entirely up to you!

I would find it hard to care this much about someone’s private life. Ok if it’s your husband then it’s tolerable (just about). Like, maybe it’s just boring to people?

This notion of “coming out” just seems like you need to flaunt the fact that you shag multiple men. Who cares.

I wonder if you need other people’s blessing on your lifestyle because you have doubts about it yourself. If you were 100% happy with it you wouldn’t need other people’s approval.

It all sounds a tad tedious. There are millions of couples worldwide where one of them is having an affair with someone else. In your case, you all know about each other. It’s not an equal relationship - you consider one to be a fiancé and one to be a boyfriend.
If a friend of mine announced that they’re in a relationship and having sex with 2 men, I’d be pretty judgemental TBH.

The "coming out" when there's no actual need, feels attention seeking tbh and also disrespectful to those who have really struggled with it.

I'm not sure what you expect people to say, how much can people care that you're sleeping with someone other than your fiancé.

Coming out? No. No. Just no.

I got divorced. That wasn't coming out.

I dated women. That was coming out.

Poly doesn't bother me at all. I don't understand the point of having a fiancee though if you're poly?

Are you quite young? There’s no need to “come out”. No one really cares about anyone else’s sex life. By coming out, it’s all a bit “me, me, me”. Keep the details of your sex life to yourself.

It’s definitely not a new thing and, sorry, far less radical than you imagine!

I knew a polyamorous group of three at university in the nineties, loosely in my friendship group. They too felt the urge to go around announcing it and did a few other things to bring it into the public domain. Two were much older than the other. One of them was a very nice man (mature student), but the woman seemed quite controlling (she was working and held the purse strings) and the other partner was a very young male student, barely out of his teens. Not what most parents would want for their son at university! As a naive eighteen year old I didn’t know what to make of it, but a wiser friend thought that there were some pretty clear power imbalances in the group. The last I heard they were hoping to buy and renovate a house together after graduation - quite how that would work financially I do not know! To be honest, I hope that the young man managed to move on past it after graduating as it didn’t seem entirely healthy for him.

There was a BBC drama a few years ago ‘Lady Worsley’s Secret’ about a real-life eighteenth century husband, wife and lover which ended in a notorious court case.
Not to mention the Bloomsbury group.

I think the majority of people experience sexual attraction outside their main relationship, surely?

In the kindest way I would say ‘enjoy’, don’t claim it as an identity and keep it a bit more private, as things might change in the fullness of time.

I have no moral qualms about polyamory but I agree that describing it as an identity like being gay seems misplaced. If you were confined to one male partner because of societal norms, you may get bored or frustrated but that's no comparison to e.g. a lesbian forced into heterosexual marriage and having to have sex with a man. I also have to say, having been round the block a few times, that polyamory has been around for decades if not forever (it just didn't have the trendy branding previously). It's all fine and dandy until it's not and hearts get broken.

I don't want to hurt your feelings or presume, but when I hear of a woman being involved in polyamory, I automatically assume some kind of trauma relating to men. Sorry if that's overreaching but I would be a bit worried about you.

Absolutely agree with this.

I do think people who define themselves by their sex lives are quite boring.

Why do you need a ‘community’ linked to your sexual preferences? That kind of seems to mean that your conversation would be mainly about sex.

Personally, I can see the appeal of your side of the polyamory trade, less so your partners, but if everyone is happy, why not.

When you say 'all the signs were there' I do wonder what you mean. I think it's easy to misinterpret things as 'meant to be' or part of your personality when they're just stuff that happens.

I've tried a bit of ENM myself and found it problematic straight away in that I didn't like being someone who would and did rank their sexual partners - the language of primary/secondary partner that I've read about was awful. I know quite a few Quakers and poly relationships and ENM seem quite prevalent in those circles, which in my view can be overvaluing 'honesty' and refusing to see or take responsibility for causing strong emotions or pain in others. Like, they've been honest about wanting other sexual partners so you're not allowed to be upset, or at least the expression of that pain has to be severely muted.

I'm afraid if a friend wanted to come out as poly these days my reaction would be that I don't want to be involved or to know. But I can see that would probably end the friendship. I don't mind of they just introduce me 'this is X, she's my girlfriend'.

It's not fair if kids are involved, IMO, but there aren't so crack on.

I echo what others have said, I don't particularly want to hear about other people's sex lives. I know someone who is into S and M, BDSM, much younger partners, bi, polyamorous etc. How do I know? They told me. Are they part of my life? No. Gives me the ick.

I don't tell people what me and my DH get up to, it's private. Some may say I'm a prude. Well, that's me and the majority I would say.

There is places/religions that allows a man to have as many wives as he want as far as he can provide for them. In some places in Nepal a woman can marry as many men she likes as far as the men are brothers.

The only thing to make it work is that everyone knows their place in relationships as they are generally speaking unequal relationships.

Personally I find relationship hard just with one partner, I wouldn't care to live with two of them, too much for me. However, what works for me doesn't necessarily have to work for everybody else so enjoy your life.

It sounds exhausting. I hope they share the mental load because I couldn't cope with two sets of inlaws to sort birthday presents for.

How do you deal with socks? Do both men wear the same type so they don't have to be paired up specifically?

Do you have to have three toilets so when the two men decide to sit in them for 45 mins having a poo you don't have to wee in the garden?

Coming out? Looking back all the signs were there. Sorry but what do you sound like? 🤣

I don’t think anyone should have to ‘come out’, but if they do, it’s for being gay or bisexual, something the person just is.

Being poly isn’t something that you are, like being straight, gay or bi, it’s just a lifestyle choice you’re making.

Lots if people date multiple people. They’re just dating. 🤷🏻‍♀️

If you live with one or more of the men you’re dating, that’s unusual to most people, so people may be cautious. People often want to mix with others who have similar values, so if they don’t want to be around you, you’ll have to accept that.

If you use phrases like ‘coming out’ and ‘looking back all the signs were there’, I’d just think you were an attention seeker, talking crap, and keep my distance in all honesty.

I know two “throuples” in my rural area within five miles of each other, one with two men and one with two women.
In each case, they bought a large house together and are of mature years.
They aren't going round proclaiming it as an identity, aren't part of a poly community (they don't know each other) and no one bats an eyelid.

If you want to have multiple partners then crack on

I find the whole 'coming out' thing for anyone who isn't homosexual bizarre. It is no one else's business. People are now getting their whole identities from sexual preferences. I don't want to know what my friends get up to in the bedroom.

I also don't get 'all the signs were there' like it was something you were born with. Was your barbie living with Ken and Allen in her dream house?

My ex was into polyamory, until I found out.
Thats why he’s now an ex.

”coming out as poly”? That’s not a sexual orientation. Poly is just having a relationship with more than one person at a time which may or may not mean also having sex with more than one person at a time.

This isn’t new. This isn’t cutting edge.

When you say you would like to tell people more, don’t. Some people might be curious but a lot will not want any details. Same with anyone else’s relationship/s.