Polyamory - why is it so difficult for people to live & let live?

[FreeSpiritPixie]

Long time lurker, first thread poster here…
so I have recently (in the last year) realised that I’m polyamorous. It’s been quite the journey to get to this point, and I’m extremely lucky that I have two wonderful men who both support me in this. Looking back all the signs were there and I’m also lucky that I had some poly friends to help
me navigate in all these realisations. My big question, aside from the two relationships that I have, is why is it so so so difficult for other people to be ok with it? I’m still in the process of coming out as poly to my friends and so far both myself and my partners have had the whole spectrum - certain people have been incredibly supportive and wonderful, some couldn’t get it but were happy for us as long as we were happy and some have pretty much cut all contact with us because of our choices… whilst I always knew this was likely to happen, I still struggle to understand why some people take such offence to my choice to live my life as I see fit. We are not lying to anyone, we don’t ask anyone else to enter this lifestyle as different things work for different people, and we don’t have/don’t plan on having children whereby there could be many more things to consider. So it’s quite literally me and my fiancée and my boyfriend. And we are all on the same page. So why is it so difficult for some people to at the very least be ok with us making different choices to them? I’d love to say that it doesn’t matter to us and in many ways it doesn’t, but the judgement still hurts, even if we work through it.

There's always inequality and hierarchies in these relationships - you describe one of your 'partners' as a fiance and the other as a boyfriend - how does that work? Is the boyfriend less important? How does he feel about that?

In the poly relationships I know about there is always a power imbalance - usually the one of the three who is a different sex, so in a woman -man-woman scenario it's the man who appears to be top dog and calling the shots and vice-versa. Seems a bit unhealthy.

I doubt any of these relationships play out well long term because of, well, human nature.

I don't know anything about being poly

Is it having lots/more than one partner who are all happy for you to sleep with all of them, and they all know about each other ?

If that's what it's about, I don't understand why you need to 'come out' or tell anyone.

Why is it anyone's business?

Do you want to tell people because you're proud and pleased that you're 'allowed' to sleep with more than one man?

It's certainly a lifestyle choice but I don't think I'd want people to know unless they needed to know (and I don't see why anyone would need to know)

Perhaps, as I say above, you're pleased and proud and therefore want to share the news?

What you choose to do in private is your business, why do you seek others approval? It speaks of exhibitionism to me, "look at me I have two men" ... I'm really not bothered if a friend has multiple relationships or 2 recurring ones unless they start to moan and balancing the 2+ they have! Just live your life, no need to make grand announcements, but I would think twice before actually marrying as personally I wouldn't attend a wedding if someone wasn't going to stick to their vows from the start! I'm sure I'm not the only person who believes in them

I agree that I wouldn't care or particularly want go know. Could be tricky when invitations are plus one I suppose but since presumably the fiancee is number one and the other guy just an add on, maybe not so long as he knows his place.

Is it you with two different partners rather than you all being a throuple?

… because Monogamy works so well…

42% of marriages end in Divorce
20% of people in long term relationships have an affair

Monogomy worked when we all died at about 35, it ensured any family money was passed down the “correct” bloodline.

I think it’s a shame, in a long term relationships, (seemingly) the only marker for success, is if you’ve managed to not have sex with someone else.

Just having feelings for two people at once doesn't make you part of some special persecuted minority. It's a perfectly normal human experience. Over millennia, most people have found if they act on these feelings it ends badly.

Monogamy works better than the alternative. Monogamy doesn’t have to be one partner per lifetime. Most people practice and prefer serial monogamy.

I think it’s a shame, in a long term relationships, (seemingly) the only marker for success, is if you’ve managed to not have sex with someone else

Says who? Obviously cheating is bad but I don’t see anyone saying absence of that means it’s a wonderful relationship.

One of my children is poly. He has 3 girlfriends who give him different things and vice versa for him. All fully aware, all fully consenting and I have no problem with it.

I also have friends who are poly and again, all happy, all fully aware.

What's interesting to me is that all the poly people I know are neurodivergent.

The poster making the point about using the terminology of LGB coming out nailed part of it in a point I didn't have the exact words for.

Also, it often seems a big fuss about nothing and you can tell who will be the ones dipping a toe and making a lot of noise. They are the same ones who will be trying on veganism, LARPING and an undiagnosed neurodivergance for size (I have a diagnosed one).

That is to say, it isn't anything very profound, just part of carving an identity with the latest 'thing' where one doesn't quite fit in the mainstream. This can involve some vulnerable people and it can be quite uncomfortable. Why do you imagine the world wants to know about your sex life?

Zero objection in principle. Many of us have had more than sexual one partner. It's just a bit TMI and 'im special!' when there is language like 'journey' involved. 'just get on with it then' springs to mind.

Thirdly it quite often ends in tears or being quietly dropped. In cultures where it is the norm, do you think it equally applies to men and women, or is enjoyed equally by all? I can tell you no. Late ex FIL whom I have never posted about many, many years ago was polygamous. They all muddled along but it was messy and not what everyone had really signed up for. The women did not have much choice but to accept later additions.

I suppose it therefore seems either quite retrogressive or immature to not learn lessons but expect affirmation (yes, this is what you want) for continuing these practices. Do what you like but people don't necessarily associate partner sharing with good relationship outcomes so I don't know why you expect positive feedback.

You might not like this but I'd say there is an air of attention seeking from your post.i also know a discreet older trio who live together and just get on with it. Nobody gives a toss when it seems genuine and part of someone's life. When it's accompanied by empty vessel banging then people don't really want to hear about it.

People don’t need to know basically
the less you tell the less you are judged

I think it’s a shame, in a long term relationships, (seemingly) the only marker for success, is if you’ve managed to not have sex with someone else

That's simply not true though. There are many ways of having an unsuccessful relationship which have nothing to do with infidelity. The MN Relationships board provides plenty of evidence of that! And presumably all those ways of having an unsuccessful relationship could apply just as much to polyamorous relationships. More so, perhaps. More partners = more relationships for things to go wrong with.

I would be one of the people who would cut contact with you because we would not share the same values or morals and I think that is an essential part of a friendship.

I think the whole poly thing is a tedious, attention seeking way of justifying morally dubious choices.

The detail I’d need to know is who am I inviting to stuff?

Like a lot of other posters, I’ve known various people in poly relationships. I really don’t think it’s that vastly uncommon, in any form of “alternative” culture at least. What I’ve never come across is a “genuine” poly relationship. I’ve known the power imbalance couple - where one is desperately in love with the other, other isn’t nearly as committed and so they claim to be “poly” to allow the uncommitted to sleep around. Or I’ve known poly with commitment, but also a lot of arrogance about how they’ve evolved past monogamy, they were frankly boring to hang out with, I don’t appreciate being looked down on. To my knowledge none of them have remained “poly”, they’ve gone on to monogamy.

So, if you were my friend I’d be fine with it but worried that it would cause you issues. If you were close enough that I’d talk to you about arguing with my husband and my sex life then I’d happily hear about your logistics, but frankly there are only two people in my life I’d have those discussions with. Anyone else would be overstepping.

I think because of the difference between polyamory and an open relationship and so many circumstances where one person has been pressured to agree to a situation to keep the person they love around.

I also knew a couple where polygamy for the man was acceptable. When he took a second wife it caused absolute heartbreak for the first wife who was relegated to a has been. It was a societally approved version of trading your wife in for a younger model.

It's the gendie genZ culture around it that people are normally making fun of.

It's not healthy for you and kids certainly shouldn't be exposed to it.

I think this is your issue. People are ' live and let live' about your lifestyle, because they aren't asking you about your sex life all the time. What you seem to want is for people to tell you how amazing and progressive you are. My friend was poly when I met her 25 years ago, so its not new or unusual. Once the initial surprise had passed, that was it. Why would I continue asking her about her sex life?

As ever first reply nails it. Why do you feel the need to go on about your sex life to people? Honestly no one cares. I often think the thrill self declared polygamous people get is from telling others about it. Please don't involve others in getting your kicks!

Also, OP, in what way are people failing to 'live and let live'? Is anyone trying to stop you being polyamorous? Or discriminating against it? Or are they just expressing personal reservations about polyamory?

Who are all these people you need to come out to? Surely very few people need to know. You can just say 'my boyfriend' or 'my partner' without needing to tell people that you have more than one.

Is it possible you come over as rather self-obsessed and anxious to tell everyone how different you are and that's why you get the response you get? If you find people aren't interested or aren't positive about your lifestyle choices, then perhaps you just don't tell them. That way you won't have to deal with their indifference or disapproval.

It’s not new. I knew two groups in the 1980s - one MFM who kept it quiet and one FMF who told everyone they met. Both lasted decades.

IME it’s the fact of being married or engaged to one of the partners that made people think that somebody was being taken advantage of or cheated on, respectively. Had they all been single no-one would have batted an eyelid.

Oh Gosh, I would roll my eyes so hard if someone "came out" to me about being poly. I dont care. I dont want to hear about the ins and outs of your relationship- it's your business and it's nothing to do with me. I certainly wouldnt be gushing about how happy I am for you because for me, I dont like the idea of it and I have personally seen very damaging effects from it from the people I do know who have tried it.

That said, I wouldnt judge you negatively as a person for it- I just dont give a toss. You do you and dont expect me to make a commentary on it or listen to the details. In the same vein, I wouldnt go into the intimate details of my marriage and expect others to congratulate me on it. I really dont want to hear about it is all.

What's interesting to me is that all the poly people I know are neurodivergent.

Yes, I’ve found that too!
I’ve also found (small sample size so technically not data…) that the women in these relationships tend to have had backgrounds with abusive men and have people pleasing issues and no boundaries. They’re usually quite vulnerable, not empowered, as they try to insist.

The few people I know (mostly young adults, one middle aged woman) seem to be in unequal relationships and have very pornified sex lives - lots of boyfriends wanting to watch their gf being shagged by another man, or have both go at the same time. How do I know? Because as well as oversharing and assuming that I want to know about their polyamorous lifestyle, they tend to overshare and assume I want to know about their sex lives as well. I don’t!

You don’t need to “come out” as polyamorous, it’s attention seeking. I think you do need to look very closely at yourself and work out what you need from this, what you get from this, and why you feel the need to share it with others.