Row with DH because he still hasn’t told his family that we’re expecting a baby

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I’m 16 weeks pregnant and started to show, it’s quite obvious. I tried to approach the subject about telling his family yesterday. We’re married and he always wanted a baby, so they’d be delighted. However, he is a very private person. He doesn’t like to share much about his life with anyone (although he’s very close with them and calls his parents and also siblings at least once per week..,but only chitchat and making sure they’re alright, he never talks about himself) it took a year for him to tell them that we’re dating and - after we got engaged five years in - several months to tell them that we’re engaged.

I start to feel really uncomfortable engaging with his family without them knowing about the pregnancy, partly because (in my mind) it’s bloody obvious when looking at my belly. So now I feel I either have to avoid going to family outings, or come up with stupid excuse after excuse (‘oh god, I’m so bloated today’, ‘it’s a bit cold in here so I’d rather keep my coat on’).

Anyway, DH got really upset when I tried to explain my situation. He says I’m putting pressure on him and that he didn’t interfere with how and when I tell my own family. He said that I know that he would tell them ‘before May’ (he’s made this timeline clear before) so now he feels I just want to start a fight with him for no reason. He then threatened to call them straight away (it was almost midnight), I had to physically grab the phone and apologise..,I blamed pregnancy hormones and told him that I was unreasonable, but I’m not sure if I was?

He slept in the spare room, doesn’t talk to me, and says that he will tell them now today because I have destroyed his plans of how he wanted to tell them and it doesn’t matter anymore now.

This

Are you meeting up for Easter?

When I was pregnant we told both sets of parents at the same time, unless there are family issues I would think it was really horrible to tell one side of the family and not the other. You are obviously close to them, at least SIL. It seems strange that both you and DH talk to his family every week and it has never been mentioned

This is just so odd, and does not bode well for the future. It’s not normal at all and 100% can not be explained by privacy. It’s manipulative- expecting you to essentially lie by omission or go against hie wishes. It’s also undermining your own relationships with his family and spoiling what’s meant to be a joyous time. Plus the sulking 😱 And the arbitrary deadlines (May WTF?) 😠

Personally I would be moving out and telling him since he’s obviously so horrified by the prospect of having a child with you he can forget about it- and that you’re not moving back until he’s told his whole family and learned to deal with disagreements like an adult. A short sharp shock might be what he needs. Can you move in with your parents? If you put up with this now it will only get worse and you won’t tolerate it when you actually have a REAL child!

Literally this. He’s the one who will look like a knob for not telling them. 16 weeks for goodness sake… I was very obviously pregnant by then. Stop letting him stress you out, it’s not worth it. You’re pregnant, it’s happening and your belly isn’t about to get any smaller. He’s utterly clueless if he thinks no one will notice until MAY 🤣🤣🤣🤣 not your job to hide your pregnancy because he’s got his head buried in the sand about it happening. You are clearly very happy about it and should be able to express happiness about it. Don’t let him spoil that for you.
I don’t think he means anything by it…. Hopefully…. Men tend to go into a practical mode and almost not realise what’s happening until you are about to pop. They certainly don’t understand the social subtleties the pregnant person has to navigate, especially in the “is she/isn’t she” part of pregnancy, and often don’t appreciate the massive physical changes your body is going through.
He does sound very set in his ways. A baby is going to either break him or make him learn to be more flexible. Be prepared that either could happen so don’t hang your happiness on his reactions as you may be disappointed.

I wonder what will happen when you have the baby - how long will he keep that secret?

sharing joys news isn't a privacy matter surely

Threatening to call at midnight, sleeping on the sofa, eek sounds like you’ve already got a child in the house.

DH weirdness aside, I'd just carry on as normal and not worry about people noticing.
Generally people won't comment on a possible baby bump even if they think they've noticed it as it would be not only rude, possibly incorrect assumptions or there could be reasons for not announcing the news yet. 16 weeks seems like a long time but it's not really in the grand scheme of things. Telling people at 5 or 6 months wouldn't be altogether unusual.

I would be extremely uncomfortable with this too op. It is not fair to you, at this point, to hide your pregnancy. He is this weird about other things?

Does he have autism op?

He sounds very emotionally immature. Why did you pick this one? You do know that it’s going to be very hard to raise a child with him; this weird, secretive behaviour will create issues if he acts the same around his kid. You’ll end up with a child being taught to only have superficial conversations and not so engage with anyone personal or emotional.

If I were you I'd have left him to call them at midnight. £100 says he wouldn't have actually made the call.

He sounds horrible. The silent treatment is abuse.

Telling people at 5 or 6 months wouldn't be altogether unusual

If you're telling work colleagues / distant friends maybe. But it's incredibly unusual to wait 5 /6 months before telling your close family members that you're expecting a baby.

This is also going to be very difficult to handle when parenting together. Your child will end up stuck in the middle of two parents who just do what they want and can’t have a discussion. The sulking and tantrum throwing from your husband… that will be your kids life.

Why do woman choose such unsuitable men to have kids with? You need to be a partnership, and that means being able to talk about how to handle things because there will be a lot of situations with a kid where you will do or say something in the moment and then need to chat to your spouse later to get some advice/plan a way forward/deal with the school/whatever. And you two can’t talk about which path to take without a tantrum?

Go to couple’s therapy before this baby is born.

I hate sharing news. I know we shouldn't diagnose people online but after finding out both my DC are autistic, I believe I likely am too. Could this be the case for your DH?

How about agreeing a new time to tell them, say after the 20 week anomaly scan? This is a very normal time for lots of people to share their news and has been what me and DH have done. Gives your DH a month to prepare.

@HidingUnderTheCovers not telling parents/family until 6 months into pregnancy is weird if you speak to/see them every week

I would guess it's not exactly - well not intentionally - controlling or manipulative, but it's an anxiety based avoidance.

All communication is not the same, OP. Think about it and you will know this. Asking someone what they had for tea last night is very different from asking someone if they could shower more frequently. The latter you would put off, rehearse, choose your words carefully etc because of the potential reaction you would get. This concept is called "communication load". Some communication tasks are low communication load, and some are high. Generally rote speech, responding to short questions, expert speech (talking about something you know a lot about), are lower communication load. Risky speech, having a guess, hypothesising, exposing speech, these are high communication load.

People who struggle with communication load often manage much better in their best space, ie with their partner, than with anyone else. But might avoid making calls to book a plumber etc, getting their partner to do it and being a bit arsey. Importantly they probably don't quite understand themselves why it feels so hard as the pattern of avoidance is usually entrenched from early childhood and being challenged on it feels "unsafe" - hence disproportionate response.

Announcing a pregnancy (or a marriage, or serious illness, or house move etc) is a very high communication load task, because it is likely to generate a significant reaction that the person feels like they might not be quite able to handle (again, all this is subconscious. It's the person's anxiety protecting itself). I strongly suspect that is why he's avoiding doing it. At one level he knows it's irrational, but it just feels difficult.

I would take the position that the longer he leaves it, the bigger deal it is likely to be. If he announces now it could be spun that it's because you were waiting for test results etc. No need to mention your side has known for months. If he waits much longer he will have people's dismay and upset that it's been concealed and made weird to deal with. This is the tragic thing about anxious avoidant communication - it often actually causes the feared big response.

Could you suggest that he, or both of you, make an initial low key announcement in family WhatsApp group along the lines of "after getting the all clear from various tests, we are really happy to say we are having a baby due in October :) ". Sometimes the desire for insta moments, dramatic filmed announcements etc piles on more pressure of expectation.

Most people with this type of communication are autistic or have the remnants of a communication disorder such as selective mutism stretching a long shadow into their ability to communicate into adulthood.

Does any of this resonate at all?

I'd say 'I'm meeting sil Thursday, I'll tell her unless you've already done it'.

The silent treatment and stroppiness would worry me tbh, emotional maturity is very important when parenting together. The early days of sleeplessness and screaming really take you out of your comfort zone.

I'd be asking him to grow up pronto.

Importantly in the above scenario, the communication issue has no impact on the person's happiness about the actual event they need to share news about. It is just about the communication load. Not about not wanting the baby.

he has a habit of getting disproportionately angry whenever slightly challenged. He likes to do things his way and there’s not much room for other opinions.

Basically, you're having a child with the type of man who should never have children.

If I challenge him on something, he throws a fit, sulks for one day, and then pretends nothing has happened.

He's abusive, controlling, and horrible. You have some very, very hard times ahead of you. I think you've been sleepwalking through this entire relationship.

I am very worried for you op. He sounds very controlling.

Very very insightful @AutismProf!

This. Dreadful.

Gah - ok, I see where both of you are coming from - he'd be upset at you trying to push him to do things a certain way but it must be a really awkward situation for you. You are right - there are certain situations where you both have to compromise a little to approach it together. However, as long as you make it clear to him that you won't lie if asked and he's happy with that...then that's your way forward. Don't lie, don't try to hide and if anyone asks, then tell them. You haven't 'ruined' how he tells them, as he will already have shown support for that approach.

When you read that back, can you see how worrying it is?

I had one like this. We’re divorced now, and he lives alone with his curtains drawn, because he doesn’t want the neighbours looking in.

I strongly suspect he’s ND. I hope you handle yours better than I did.