Row with DH because he still hasn’t told his family that we’re expecting a baby

[Newusername7]

I’m 16 weeks pregnant and started to show, it’s quite obvious. I tried to approach the subject about telling his family yesterday. We’re married and he always wanted a baby, so they’d be delighted. However, he is a very private person. He doesn’t like to share much about his life with anyone (although he’s very close with them and calls his parents and also siblings at least once per week..,but only chitchat and making sure they’re alright, he never talks about himself) it took a year for him to tell them that we’re dating and - after we got engaged five years in - several months to tell them that we’re engaged.

I start to feel really uncomfortable engaging with his family without them knowing about the pregnancy, partly because (in my mind) it’s bloody obvious when looking at my belly. So now I feel I either have to avoid going to family outings, or come up with stupid excuse after excuse (‘oh god, I’m so bloated today’, ‘it’s a bit cold in here so I’d rather keep my coat on’).

Anyway, DH got really upset when I tried to explain my situation. He says I’m putting pressure on him and that he didn’t interfere with how and when I tell my own family. He said that I know that he would tell them ‘before May’ (he’s made this timeline clear before) so now he feels I just want to start a fight with him for no reason. He then threatened to call them straight away (it was almost midnight), I had to physically grab the phone and apologise..,I blamed pregnancy hormones and told him that I was unreasonable, but I’m not sure if I was?

He slept in the spare room, doesn’t talk to me, and says that he will tell them now today because I have destroyed his plans of how he wanted to tell them and it doesn’t matter anymore now.

I really feel for you, this is an awful situation.

You desperately need to address this behaviour now before the baby arrives, for a couple of reasons:

It's going to be virtually impossible to co-parent with this man as every minor decision will be a huge performance.

His behaviour, and your reaction to it, will have a significant impact on your child, from a very early age.

Sadly I fear that unless he can open get / get help / address his issues, the marriage will not survive having a child. But I wish you strength and luck, and congratulations!

This. No idea why you would mate with this specimen, but now you have you need to be the adult in the relationship.

Just tell him you’re not hiding it so if he hasn’t told his mum by the next time you see SIL, SIL will figure it out.

My DP does this and it’s rooted in anxiety and avoidance. My advice is to not indulge it because it then gets worse. Right now it’s just avoiding a meaningful conversations with family. Later it will descend into basic everyday situations like avoiding calling someone out to fix the boiler and the onus will be on you to do everything.

Keep challenging him. Next time if he is stupid enough to call somebody at in the middle of the night then let him do it and (as ridiculous as it is) praise him afterwards.

You could just wear something tight every time you see your sil.

Sounds like he wanted to wait until the 20week scan? Maybe to show his parents the picture?
Some people don’t show that much until about 6months in, and some people don’t see their family for months at a time. So for some couples, keeping the secret for that length of time is feasible. As you’ve pointed out to him, it’s not going to work well in your case, because you are someone who develops an obvious bump earlier on and you see you SIL every week! He’s had his little sulk. He’ll probably accept his idea isn’t feasible and tell his family sooner. Don’t let him blame you for it though. It’s not your fault your bump is obvious and it’s not fair to expect you to curtail your social life.

I married someone like this. I still have PTSD, 6 years on. Both our children are ND.

I kinda agree with this. Let him tell them in his own time.

You should start a thread about the fact your husband ‘throws fits’, makes threats, sulks, stonewalls. Speak to women’s aid and start to plan what life will look like after the inevitable divorce. It’s incredibly damaging to have an abuser for a parent, even now, your foetus will be flooded with cortisol :(

You say: it’s generally not a problem to do anything the way I want. But he sees it as he doesn’t question anything I do, so I shouldn’t question anything he does either.
So he has decided that you live separate lives, like a flat share with single people.
Tell us why this isn't extremely controlling please

He should have been straining at the bit to tell them as soon as you hit the 12 week mark. That’s what most people who are happy about a pregnancy (and aren’t worried about complications or experienced baby loss) do in these circumstances.

i know someone will come along to say everyone is different, but this is one of these situations where 99.99% of people would be telling everyone asap. It’s almost as straightforward as someone tells a funny joke- the common response is to laugh. ( of course there will be someone who has a rare genetic condition that means they can’t laugh, but it’s not the common response!)

She sees her SIL every week for coffee. What is she meant to do? Start dressing in a sack to hide it!?

Abusers really start to show their true selves during pregnancy.

Why do you think your kids are ND?

I say this because my ex was controlling, my second pregnancy was very stressful- and DC 2 is ND.

Has he always been like that. It doesn't bode well for the future. 😕

Might your sister in law already have guessed.

@Newusername7 his disproportionately irate responses to being ‘challenged’ or having an adult conversation about issues really needs for him to address it and learn better coping skills. Do you want 40+ years of sulking from him whilst raising children every time he doesn’t get his own way?

Raising children, agreeing on boundaries and discipline etc is not going to be fun with him at his current emotionally stunted range.

Threatening to call at midnight is extreme! I couldn't live with someone with moods not knowing that what I do or say could upset them. I don't think it will get better.

Because their father and his family are all ND from what I've seen and experienced over 20 years. It is largely genetic.

I'd be really concerned about this guy. Especially your sentence: He slept in the spare room, doesn’t talk to me, and says that he will tell them now today because I have destroyed his plans of how he wanted to tell them and it doesn’t matter anymore now.

Is he saying that he thinks the pregnancy no longer matters because the telling of it hasn't progressed in exactly the way he wants?

This is how controlling abusers behave. Don't fall into the trap of deciding he's ND and therefore his controlling behaviour can be excused. ND does not equal licence to be abusive.

@Newusername7 you say: "he has a habit of getting disproportionately angry whenever slightly challenged. He likes to do things his way and there’s not much room for other opinions".
How will he cope with a baby in the house that is difficult to feed or who keeps crying with that awful piecing 3.00am screech that is so difficult to ignore.
There was a thread recently about how difficult it was for the family to manage.

moving forward on parallel lines - this is how a counsellor described it to me -
no connection

what will this man be like when baby wakes in the night, refuses to eat, won’t use the potty, wets the bed, terrible twos, childhood ailments, wants a friend to play, breaks a toy, answers back ! hits puberty,
I’m beginning to feel concerned

Absolutely not weird and dramatic at all.

If I had to be around DPs family multiple times without them knowing I was pregnant I'd feel weird and awkward arse.

That REALLY doesn't bode well for upcoming parenthood - your entire lives will soon be full of things not going to plan.

Have you plans to see his family in the next few weeks? If so then any plan he had to tell them will fail anyhow. Let him tell them when he wants but refuse to cover up.

Very very odd behaviour, I would be worried about how he will deal with a toddler/teen who won’t follow instructions.

Yes it's really not weird and "over dramatic " to feel uncomfortable about a situation in your own life.

I think other at the very, very least you need counselling and agreements made there about how to handle difference of opinion. And definitely do not lie for him.

This is so werid of your husband. I would tell him he has until Friday to tell them.
After Friday, I'd wear a tight top and tell the truth when asked. You can't keep lying, it's weird. It looks like you're embarrassed to be pregnant?! You should be celebrating your pregnancy.