Row with DH because he still hasn’t told his family that we’re expecting a baby

[Newusername7]

I’m 16 weeks pregnant and started to show, it’s quite obvious. I tried to approach the subject about telling his family yesterday. We’re married and he always wanted a baby, so they’d be delighted. However, he is a very private person. He doesn’t like to share much about his life with anyone (although he’s very close with them and calls his parents and also siblings at least once per week..,but only chitchat and making sure they’re alright, he never talks about himself) it took a year for him to tell them that we’re dating and - after we got engaged five years in - several months to tell them that we’re engaged.

I start to feel really uncomfortable engaging with his family without them knowing about the pregnancy, partly because (in my mind) it’s bloody obvious when looking at my belly. So now I feel I either have to avoid going to family outings, or come up with stupid excuse after excuse (‘oh god, I’m so bloated today’, ‘it’s a bit cold in here so I’d rather keep my coat on’).

Anyway, DH got really upset when I tried to explain my situation. He says I’m putting pressure on him and that he didn’t interfere with how and when I tell my own family. He said that I know that he would tell them ‘before May’ (he’s made this timeline clear before) so now he feels I just want to start a fight with him for no reason. He then threatened to call them straight away (it was almost midnight), I had to physically grab the phone and apologise..,I blamed pregnancy hormones and told him that I was unreasonable, but I’m not sure if I was?

He slept in the spare room, doesn’t talk to me, and says that he will tell them now today because I have destroyed his plans of how he wanted to tell them and it doesn’t matter anymore now.

He's one of those people.

He's got an entire thread worrying, wondering why he can't divulge this very normal news to his parents. Poor op's husband lets all try to figure him out.

He's hogging the limelight by stealth, making it all about him, this is your pregnancy op tell him you can tell whoever you want, control freak. These types of people often refered to as dark horses, and in later years liars by ommision, tend to want to create an air of mystery in their life as though they are important, it's just witholding and controlling information and usually bleeds into other areas of their life.

He should be supporting you not getting angry because you want to tell people the good news, honestly he's taking away your power.

I agree about hogging the limelight by stealth, I think he can't bear the fact that you being pregnant makes you 'the special one who needs extra looking after' (for want of a better phrase)
You should not stand for being his unmentionable secret, why doesn't he want to share the wonderful news with his family?

He needs psychiatric help.

Eh-dh was very similar.

After I left I realized how controlling and abusive we was. (Not saying yours is).

Having a son with sn's was too much for my ex. Needing to have things your own way does not translate well to parenting.

I suspect my ex has autism as well.

The op needs help to figure out why she has tolerated this bullshit for so long. She has been living with blinders on for far too long.

Sorry but he is seriously unreasonable and being ridiculous, unable to communicate and behaving like a child. Really he's going to them at midnight because he is angry, shows lack of control. He sucks and ignores her when he is upset then shoves it under the carpet and pretends nothing happened so nothing is every resolved. Sounds like an immature manchild.

Oh dear, he's probably going to sulk and sleep in the spare room until the baby is here 😂.

Does he realise how odd he is?
I'm not sure that his behaviour sounds like ND.
Demand avoidance or a personality disorder maybe.

He's putting you in an incredibly difficult position expecting you to lie to his family.
I know the world doesn't revolve around pregnancy and babies, but the fact that this is your first and you physically see his family and there's no reason they shouldn't know his attitude is very very weird.

That and the tantrums do make me feel it's very good you have considered what the future might look like if you become a single parent.
Raising children is tough, if you have to continue walking on egg-shells and capitulating to his bizarre rules (newsflash, having a baby isn't exactly private business, his family are going to find out!) I worry about how dysfunctional a father he is going to be. Being a fun/caring/engaged Uncle in public is very different to what kind of father he will be in private.

All the best, glad you've got an awareness that you may have to choose your child's mental and emotional health over staying with him.

I'd just carry on, not directly mention the pregnancy to his family, but if they notice then say 'yes' I'm pregnant DH wants to wait until after May to tell you, but yes I'm over the moon.
I wouldn't lie for him. You need him to change, or you need him to start him getting his head around you not being controlled by him. You probably know pregnancies are when violent men start physically hurting their partners and ramping up abuse, so be prepared to leave if that happens. Don't stay and ruin your child's future if that happens, growing up in a household with domestic violence is incredibly damaging for children and you risk them being removed from you.

Well your pregnancy and post pregnancy hormones are going to get a lot worse than this, I would be concerned on how he handles situations. Sorry but I’d be worried about that, he’s putting his own weird a
nd unreasonable feelings above yours.

HE hasn’t got an entire thread worrying. HE didn’t post anything on here. HE’s not drawing attention to himself, exactly the opposite in fact.

It is weird.

I absolutely would not lie or make excuses not to see his family though.

Let them work it out and completely embarrass your partner on being such a useless, selfish partner, son and brother.

The response to being challenged is a major red flag and emotionally abusive (shouting and sulking at you daring to ask something very reasonable of him.)

I agree. So many people on here saying he's childish for stealing your limelight blah blah blah. Do people really get pregnant just for attention? I find that far more childish. I got pregnant because I wanted to be a Mum, not because I wanted to be the star of the show for 9 months. She's 16 weeks. Many many people do not announce their pregnancy until after the 20 week scan. That is not weird at all. As I've said before I'd suggest that as a compromise.

I'm assuming that he wants to wait until after the 20 week anatomy scan before he tells people. If he's not super close with his family maybe he would prefer to just tell them when he know baby is healthy and all on track.

Tbh I was the same when I was pregnant. I was super nervous about telling people as I felt like it would jinx it all.

id just go along with his wishes for now. Tbh although you'll feel massive at 16 weeks it wont be so obvious to other people as it isnt their body chnaging.

Not telling his family almost feels like he’s trying to punish them for something. It feels like a way of making them feel less than your family, and a way of, yes, controlling them.
How is is relationship with his mother and father? What was his childhood like?

Because I’m sure you’re aware the type of childhood we experience plays a large role in the type of parenting we naturally exhibit. And it takes a lot of self reflection and work to move away from those formative experiences.

Is this a cultural thing?

Oh thank goodness: the sober morning crowd are arriving.
20 weeks is a perfectly reasonable time to tell. Even if SIL has noticed a bump, a twenty week announcement is common and yes, all this clap trap about him stealing OP’s moment in the spotlight etc sounds ridiculous.

Pulling out of context..

I know he didn't post but his wife is on here trying to understand why she has been stonewalled and given the silent treatment for having the temerity of discussing her own pregnancy, she can only tell others when he says so.

She is waiting for the go ahead, he is in charge, he is the boss, he was angry for her wanting to set a different timetable, this has upset her, made her miserable, she has changed her conversations to cover up her own pregnancy. This is him exerting control over a situation that should be easy peasy, enjoyable, a lovely time in life and he's choosing to make her miserable and he is doing this purposely because he is a selfish bastard who wants control and the power to ruin her happiness.

The behaviour will not be limited to this, he will behave selfishly with everything. It's his show, the stealing the spotlight comment was about him generally being in control.

There is no real reason for witholding this information other than to be able to critisise his wife and punish her.

Did this happen to you ? Do you know anyone whereby the man whose married denied his wife a voice during her pegnancy, I bet you don't, it's not remotely normal.
I'm older, I've viewed men all my life and the odd behaviour, odd reactions from them generally turn out to be fair warnings of the character that develops.