Row with DH because he still hasn’t told his family that we’re expecting a baby

[Newusername7]

I’m 16 weeks pregnant and started to show, it’s quite obvious. I tried to approach the subject about telling his family yesterday. We’re married and he always wanted a baby, so they’d be delighted. However, he is a very private person. He doesn’t like to share much about his life with anyone (although he’s very close with them and calls his parents and also siblings at least once per week..,but only chitchat and making sure they’re alright, he never talks about himself) it took a year for him to tell them that we’re dating and - after we got engaged five years in - several months to tell them that we’re engaged.

I start to feel really uncomfortable engaging with his family without them knowing about the pregnancy, partly because (in my mind) it’s bloody obvious when looking at my belly. So now I feel I either have to avoid going to family outings, or come up with stupid excuse after excuse (‘oh god, I’m so bloated today’, ‘it’s a bit cold in here so I’d rather keep my coat on’).

Anyway, DH got really upset when I tried to explain my situation. He says I’m putting pressure on him and that he didn’t interfere with how and when I tell my own family. He said that I know that he would tell them ‘before May’ (he’s made this timeline clear before) so now he feels I just want to start a fight with him for no reason. He then threatened to call them straight away (it was almost midnight), I had to physically grab the phone and apologise..,I blamed pregnancy hormones and told him that I was unreasonable, but I’m not sure if I was?

He slept in the spare room, doesn’t talk to me, and says that he will tell them now today because I have destroyed his plans of how he wanted to tell them and it doesn’t matter anymore now.

Next visit with family I would wear something really tight that makes your bump super obvious. Put him in an awkward situation. Stop helping him.

Why can’t you let him
deal with his family in his own way? Honestly, even though it might be a bit awkward hiding it, you’re coming across as controlling because you’re insisting on him doing it your way for no actual reason. He’s not doing any harm
by taking his time. You are causing harm by making demands.

Just let him tell them they way he wants too.

However, tell him you won't lie to them if they ask and not to put you in that position of having to lie.

That's very weird behaviour and I'd be worried about it on the long term.

Don't force him to do anything, and don't collaborate on hiding anything. His family is not your problem.

Don’t try to hide it or play the bloated card… if anyone says anything you say oh didn’t DH tell you?!? And feign surprise that they don’t know

His issue if there is a fall out that’s a him problem

This, and if asked say yes I am pregnant.

I’d also be worried about his immature response of threatening to ring at midnight and sleeping in the spare room.
Is he normally a dick?

I understand being private but to this level is a bit bonkers. Why the need to be so secretive?

I would make it clear to him he can wait until May to tell them but if someone asks you before then, then you're not prepared to lie about it.

It's very weird behaviour and overly dramatic when you say it's making you feel uncomfortable

Does he have tendencies to want to do this in a very set with other things or just around privacy?

Don't cover up.

He sounds very odd. Also, overreacting by not speaking to you and in a separate room. I can't see see his reasoning at all?!

Well that’s strange. I agree with @Luckydog7 .

Just stop helping him out -no more hiding yourself away or covering up. Attend all gatherings and wear whatever the hell you like. If they ask you just smile and look at your DH

I’d also be worried about his immature response

Agreed his response was very worrying. He's about to be a dad and is still throwing tantrums.

You trying to force the issue is likely to make it more of an issue though.

don’t try to hide the fact your pregnant from them but unless they ask go with his timeline.

his behaviour is very odd… and frankly a worry for your future

I think best to let him tell them as he wants

He doesn't sound the type to get "I love Grandma" etc baby grows printed up to present as an announcement, or a similar big cringe gesture which would take time to organise. And even if so, your conversation would be the time to tell you about it!

There is being private, and possibly slightly awkward announcing the result of having sex to his family, but to actually let that stop him or to let it upset you is very immature.

I agree with pps. Drop it with him now, but say you won't be hiding it from now on. Let any awkwardness be his to deal with. And congratulations!

My worry is that I have a really good relationship with my sister in law and we meet up for a coffee just the two of us one morning per week. If I just stop hiding it, I think she would notice and spread the news. But I know that DH wants to tell his mum first (which makes sense obviously). I also don’t want them to be upset with him for not telling them.

I'd also be worried to be honest - how engaged is he with your pregnancy / baby otherwise?

I was in what i thought was a loving supportive marriage with a man who wanted children - my second pregnancy - twins - he also didn't tell his parents - I rocked up at their house with a huge bump at 20 weeks

Turns out he wasn't as engaged as he made out and left when they were babies. His not telling his parents was just another indicator that he didn't want to acknowledge them

Your issues here isn’t his family not knowing, it’s that you are having a baby with an immature man child. Another 19 years minimum of dealing with this behaviour would be seriously stressing me out. Just let him tell his family when he wants but make sure you show up to every family event wearing tight clothing and let him sweat about it for a change. If they ask don’t lie and just say he wouldn’t let you tell them yet.

If you don’t class as their family too, then it’s not your responsibility to worry about them falling out with him. He doesn’t want you involved in this news about your own body, so just leave him to look like an idiot.

He's being totally weird and horrible.

He’s incredibly controlling and is expecting you to lie. Then having a tantrum when you challenge him! I’d be telling his sister next time you meet up.

You are not his mummy … his actions or lack of action is not in your zone of control

Let SIL work it out - if she does say the truth it was up to DH when the family were told.

But be careful of this immature behaviour it doesn’t gel with being a supportive partner and dad

This.

I wouldn't try to hide it though- don't wear obviously tight tops but don't like wear a cardi when it's hot just to cover it.

He might know the family dynamic better than you. Perhaps they usually leave it until the 20 week scan on their family? Perhaps a relative has has a miscarriage? Perhaps they don't like you and he's shielding you from that.

Or he might be odd

What's the reason for his bizarre behaviour op? It's your body, they're your family too, you're close with your sil, why you would not get to share your joy with her I can't fathom.