Row with DH because he still hasn’t told his family that we’re expecting a baby

[Newusername7]

I’m 16 weeks pregnant and started to show, it’s quite obvious. I tried to approach the subject about telling his family yesterday. We’re married and he always wanted a baby, so they’d be delighted. However, he is a very private person. He doesn’t like to share much about his life with anyone (although he’s very close with them and calls his parents and also siblings at least once per week..,but only chitchat and making sure they’re alright, he never talks about himself) it took a year for him to tell them that we’re dating and - after we got engaged five years in - several months to tell them that we’re engaged.

I start to feel really uncomfortable engaging with his family without them knowing about the pregnancy, partly because (in my mind) it’s bloody obvious when looking at my belly. So now I feel I either have to avoid going to family outings, or come up with stupid excuse after excuse (‘oh god, I’m so bloated today’, ‘it’s a bit cold in here so I’d rather keep my coat on’).

Anyway, DH got really upset when I tried to explain my situation. He says I’m putting pressure on him and that he didn’t interfere with how and when I tell my own family. He said that I know that he would tell them ‘before May’ (he’s made this timeline clear before) so now he feels I just want to start a fight with him for no reason. He then threatened to call them straight away (it was almost midnight), I had to physically grab the phone and apologise..,I blamed pregnancy hormones and told him that I was unreasonable, but I’m not sure if I was?

He slept in the spare room, doesn’t talk to me, and says that he will tell them now today because I have destroyed his plans of how he wanted to tell them and it doesn’t matter anymore now.

Once baby is born, what you do, every minute of every day that’s he’s not actively doing it, is be responsible for the baby. So if what he’s doing is not baby or housework focussed then he is making you keep doing that, what he does will affect you every single time. So he needs a complete mindset change. My Dh with our first would say oh I’ve got drinks with x on Wednesday and I’d say ‘and?’ And point out that what he meant is ‘so are you fine with looking after baby alone Wednesday night? ’ after work you are both parents on duty, not you’re on duty 24/7

100% weird alert. 🚨

I can't believe so many people are okay with this 🤷‍♀️

I find it very odd, it's as much your good news to tell as it is his.

I'd want to know why he's so secretive.

Blimey - sounds like you’re married to a toddler!! How will his parents feel when someone bumps into them & mentions it before he does? Be proud & don’t hide it - being private is one thing, but asking you to hide it is completely unreasonable!!

That IS control - getting angry if you question something - you'll subconsciously have learnt to not get yourself into that situation.

Sorry, but I'd be looking to leave before baby arrives.

I have a friend who didn’t want to tell anyone about her pregnancy until as late as she could get away with it. But her family and close friends did know. It was driven by anxiety and a dislike of being in the spotlight- ie the same kind of reaction shown by those who hate having their photos taken. They hate the fuss and attention as they don’t know what to do with it. She doesn’t like hugs and overly demonstrative displays of affection either - but we are great friends. All her kids are ND.

Having said that OP I think it’s unrealistic to always be in accord and agreement as a couple. I think especially after your child is born, the honeymoon stage will be over and there will be many points of possible conflict, as child rearing generates many strongly held opinions. Just simply go ahead do what you think is right earlier on, without trying to secure his agreement with many rounds of arguments.

I agree that it’s ideal to agree but the reality is that people have different opinions and cannot agree. For a possibly ND individual you are lobbing a bomb into the relationship by trying to get him to display levels of conflict resolution skills he does not have. Your description of his frustration in those discussions show this. You may just save your marriage in the long term by just doing your preferred action, since he accepts it when you do this and everyone moves on. It’s actually showing a kindness to him as well, not just your children.

"OK, DH, that's up to you. To be clear, I will not be lying about the situation nor going to any lengths to conceal it. That would not be fair of you to ask me to do. That means if someone in your family asks me if I'm pregnant, I will say yes. If someone asks me what I'm up to that day and I have a hospital appointment, I will say so. I see your sister every week and my bump is getting very obvious. If she asks me, and you haven't yet told your mother, the result will obviously be that she knows before your mother. I leave you with these basic facts to draw your own conclusions and make your own decisions. Fuckity-bye."

So if there are no consequences for doing what you want, just tell SIL. What's he gonna do?

Is he afraid that something will go wrong with the pregnancy and wants to wait as long as possible?
I find it very odd behavior surely he must see that you are happy and excited to be pregnant and want to share this good news , isn’t he?

He sounds autistic to me, reading all your posts together. If he’s had no early intervention to help him manage this, he will struggle big time, sharing the news as just starters. He’ll be amazing with the child in their early years, as it’s all routine and no questions asked …but come age 10+ especially if it’s a girl, he will massively struggle with the questions, behaviours, changes and end up arguing or being reclusive instead of a parent…think now if this is the man you want your child to grow up with… not because he’s autistic but because he’s autistic and not had any interventions or grown up knowing he’s different in this way

Well I am absolutely amazed that she hasn't noticed already, given how often you see her. By 16 weeks you've probably started to fill out in the face as well as around the middle. I know some people show sooner than others, but you've done really well to get this far without her noticing.

This is me! I had no idea why I always struggle to share news. I’ve moved house, bought a new car, changed jobs, had a nervous breakdown etc without telling my family. I’ll just casually mention it months later and hope nobody pays any attention.

Yes TwigletsAndRadishes

but would you shout at someone about it if they point out they are being put in a situby ypu where they have to lie about it??

are you incapable of communicating with them? Why can’t you just tell them next time you see them? I don’t understand the fuss.

My worry is that I have a really good relationship with my sister in law and we meet up for a coffee just the two of us one morning per week

So, she's one of your friends, quite a close friend in fact. And your DH's odd behaviour means that rather than sharing your excitement and hopes and worries about motherhood with a good friend, you are sitting anxiously trying to avoid being 'found out'.

Does he realise at all how he's 'ruining it' for you ?

If this is your first he is totally spoiling it for you but also spoiling the whole thing for the grandparents to know too. Ask him if he’s worried about you being pregnant and becoming a dad?

Absolutely weird behaviour and I wouldn’t be happy with this. How will his family feel if they find out they are last to know and your family, friends, work etc all know and they haven’t been thought important enough to tell. I’d definitely not be hiding my happy news and it’s unfair to expect you to hide it or lie about anything.

What does he say when you ask what you should do if his family notice and ask you?

He's being a weirdo.
They're likely to find out from another source or social media or something at this rate. Then the family dynamic will be even more strained because they'll wonder why the hell he wouldn't just tell them ...!

Well, there you go, Norman. You have communication anxiety that means you tend to subconsciously avoid high communication load tasks.

I have it a bit, too. I never told my mum I had started my periods, just managed it myself. Never told anyone when I broke my toe as a child. Just hobbled around for weeks on the side of my foot. I have got a bit better as I have got older with important info, but still struggle with phonecalls. I need a haircut and to find an electrician right now, and have put both off for literally weeks.

Weirdly it only impacts myself. If one of my kids was ill or I need to make them a dentist appointment, I don't get the same inhibition pressure.

Seriously weird behaviour. Immature and suggests not at all ready for parenthood if he can’t even tell immediate family - it’s not as if he’s got pregnant with a random on a one night stand FGS! How would his mum feel if someone else told her, or if she finds out she’s the last to know? Deeply hurt I’d bet. He may want privacy but that’s not compatible with a very visible bump and news shared elsewhere. As other posters have said don’t hide the bump and be truthful if they ask, he isn’t being fair (to you) or rational.

Congratulations on the baby it’s wonderful news. THATS exactly it … wonderful news.
your husband said he wants to tell them in May. He is throwing a tantrum because you want to tell the good news to his family earlier. Let him throw a bloody tantrum! Tell them your fantastic news, seriously they will be so happy. What’s the worst that can happen … he will do nothing I can assure you. Break this control because next time it will be your child he will be doing this to, not you.

If he wants to tell his mum first, he needs to get on with it. Whether his family are 'upset' with him is their problem, possibly his problem, but it shouldn't be your problem.

Invite your SIL to go shopping for maternity clothes.

Pregnancy is private medical information. You can share it (or decide not to share it) with whomever you wish. Nobody else gets to make that decision for you.