Row with DH because he still hasn’t told his family that we’re expecting a baby

[Newusername7]

I’m 16 weeks pregnant and started to show, it’s quite obvious. I tried to approach the subject about telling his family yesterday. We’re married and he always wanted a baby, so they’d be delighted. However, he is a very private person. He doesn’t like to share much about his life with anyone (although he’s very close with them and calls his parents and also siblings at least once per week..,but only chitchat and making sure they’re alright, he never talks about himself) it took a year for him to tell them that we’re dating and - after we got engaged five years in - several months to tell them that we’re engaged.

I start to feel really uncomfortable engaging with his family without them knowing about the pregnancy, partly because (in my mind) it’s bloody obvious when looking at my belly. So now I feel I either have to avoid going to family outings, or come up with stupid excuse after excuse (‘oh god, I’m so bloated today’, ‘it’s a bit cold in here so I’d rather keep my coat on’).

Anyway, DH got really upset when I tried to explain my situation. He says I’m putting pressure on him and that he didn’t interfere with how and when I tell my own family. He said that I know that he would tell them ‘before May’ (he’s made this timeline clear before) so now he feels I just want to start a fight with him for no reason. He then threatened to call them straight away (it was almost midnight), I had to physically grab the phone and apologise..,I blamed pregnancy hormones and told him that I was unreasonable, but I’m not sure if I was?

He slept in the spare room, doesn’t talk to me, and says that he will tell them now today because I have destroyed his plans of how he wanted to tell them and it doesn’t matter anymore now.

So how do things run in your house? Is everything exactly as he wants it and you just have to go along with it?

His family will interpret it as you having hidden it. Not him.

His angry response is really not normal. I would tell him that you're fine with him telling him I'm his own to e but if you are asked directly (if sil notices) you won't lie as that is not fair to put you in that position. Tell him if wants to be controlling over the situation then he needs to be prepared to be disappointed that he won't be telling his mother as she's not stupid and likely going to notice that you are pregnant. He is seriously being unreasonable

If I challenge him on something, he throws a fit, sulks for one day, and then pretends nothing has happened.

If I just do what I want to do, probably including telling his SIL the news, he’ll just accept that I had the right to do what I want.

It’s never really a problem if I do what I want to do, it’s just a problem to talk about things and challenge how he does things. But I prefer to come to an agreement together rather than just doing my own thing and not caring about what he wants.

People who are really supportive and very loving don't get disproportionately angry when challenged.

Your body is changing, to the extent where you're wearing a coat indoors to hide the bump. Not because you are cold, but because you are worried about upsetting him.

You're apologising in the middle of the night when he's the one throwing a tantrum about things not going his way.

Im really sorry that hes making what should be a happy, joyous time so bloody awful for you. This is not acceptable.

Op - this morning I would tell him that you will be seeing his sister this week and you aren’t going to hide your bump. She might not say anything but if she does ask, you won’t lie to her. If that means his family find out in a different order than he would like, then so be it, but he needs to consider that he’s putting you in a horrible position expecting you to lie, which will be an obvious lie when he finally does tell them in May - by which point you’ll probably be huge and it be no shock when he does tell.

Well, he's a dick. Of hebhas ishoos that's his problem. He's asking you to lie as well as everything else and potentially causing a wedge in your relationship with his family. If I was sil I would be a bit bemused why you aren't mentioning the pregnancy at our weekly coffres.

Or as I want it, and he’d go along… it’s generally not a problem to do anything the way I want. But he sees it as he doesn’t question anything I do, so I shouldn’t question anything he does either. He just takes this to an extreme at times because there are situations which we should discuss as a couple, I feel.

And people.dont ask. You can practically.be 27 weeks pregnant but if you haven't said anything, especially as your dh clearly has a thing about "privacy" they are probably all very aware but frankly won't say a word even when you go into labour in front of.them.

and not much room for anything other than the elephant - perhaps an assessment is needed here OP, - follow the usual perceptive, subtle, forthright comments and advice for you here, in literally the cold light of day.
I do not understand why you prevented his phoning his parents close to midnight,
why you cannot write to or phone them yourself or haven’t already, to tell them they are about to be grandparents, how you can sit with your SiL whilst expecting her niece/nephew, keeping this important information from her? making you complicit in this charade, why you tolerate this deceitful situation with a petulant, unreasonable and badly behaved husband?

The longer you leave this news in abeyance the more difficult it will be.
Waiting twelve weeks to be sure baby is secure is standard but this is denial.

Meet your SIL, wear reasonable clothing and leave it to her to guess. If she does guess, just be very upfront and say that your DH hasn't informed anyone yet and you're not sure why. This may start an informative conversation (is she his sister or his brother's wife)?

🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

Get your baby away from an angry man.

Pregnant women are more likely to be murdered by their partners than die in childbirth.

So how do joint decisions work? Like about the house, for example?

It's a his problem. Don't make it yours. He won't be pushing if you see what I mean. Do your thing. All the previous advice are super valid. Do not lie. At any rate.

Well, he sounds like ideal Father material 🚩

What will probably happen is that someone will guess, they will all talk about it between themselves, but when he finally announces it they will act surprised because they probably work around his oddness just like you do

Oh dear, I’m sorry OP but whilst your previous couple approach of “you do you & I’ll do me” may have worked when you weren’t parents, it absolutely won’t work when you are. As you’ve said there are things you will need to discuss & agree. You can’t parent as two separate individuals

hiding your pregnancy at this late stage from his family is bonkers & does suggest that he’s in denial. Being a great uncle does not a good father make! Nephews & nieces can get given back your own child can’t

honestly the fact that he uses his temper to intimidate you into doing what he says is a massive red flag as others have said. He cannot be shouting & throwing tantrums at his child

the only thing you can do is have a proper serious conversation with him about all this because this is about more than him just not telling his family

It's too late now you're pregnant, but you're in for a difficult time I'm afraid. This kind of man is not good father material
Would the two of you do couple's counselling now before baby is born? It'll be much harder to work on the relationship issues after baby arrives.

I’d be very concerned about his overreactions to things, and only wanting things his way.

Of course everyone will find out about this, (because of the bump) but other things down the line won’t be so obvious.

Be careful with him and his temper.

Just tell him again that your showing and the pregnancy bump is obvious.

If his family ask you directly, your not planning to lie.

Therefore you would encourage him to tell him mother earlier than May or other family members will work it out sooner.

From what you have described he doesn't seem to see your relationship as a partnership. Just 2 individuals who live together, but separately.

I think he needs telling that bringing a child up should be done in partnership which most certainly requires give and take on both sides. I think you will be posting a lot on this forum over the years. He sounds very immature.

"Everybody knows, it's obvious" " they guessed as I went all the time to the toilet", "My veins are showing" "She guessed because I wanted to vomit in front of her", "It's our first but everybody figured it out months ago". " I don't even know how she knew but she knew, I was in shock." I would go by that.
In some culture it is taboo to say that you are pregnant. End of. Are you in a mixed relationship ? What would be expected from a woman from his culture (hiding) would not be expected of you. I just remembered that. I had a friend at least 8 months pregnant that I did not see in a while I was overjoyed and happy, and all about congrats and all, well she sent me the killer eyes that I had to shut up and change subject immediately and then I was explained... Your pregnancy your rules.

I'd tell him straight out that you are meeting sil on x date and you'll be telling her then , so if he wants to tell his mother then he'd better do it by then. Stop giving into his tantrums , let him throw one , who cares ! His timelines aren't going to work with a child.

This.

The problem is that you are colluding with his oddness. You can just stop pretending. If you are having a coffee with his sister, act exactly the way you normally would, and if she asks you anything you can just answer 'I'm sure dh will communicate with his family when he's ready'.

You are right… and when you have a baby there will be even more situations that you need to discuss as a couple. Unless he can understand this and learn to have these discussions you are going to have a master/servant marriage or lots and lots of drama… sulks…. Threats etc from him. Good luck op…. Don’t lose yourself trying to accommodate his wishes when he isn’t doing the same for you