Row with DH because he still hasn’t told his family that we’re expecting a baby

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I’m 16 weeks pregnant and started to show, it’s quite obvious. I tried to approach the subject about telling his family yesterday. We’re married and he always wanted a baby, so they’d be delighted. However, he is a very private person. He doesn’t like to share much about his life with anyone (although he’s very close with them and calls his parents and also siblings at least once per week..,but only chitchat and making sure they’re alright, he never talks about himself) it took a year for him to tell them that we’re dating and - after we got engaged five years in - several months to tell them that we’re engaged.

I start to feel really uncomfortable engaging with his family without them knowing about the pregnancy, partly because (in my mind) it’s bloody obvious when looking at my belly. So now I feel I either have to avoid going to family outings, or come up with stupid excuse after excuse (‘oh god, I’m so bloated today’, ‘it’s a bit cold in here so I’d rather keep my coat on’).

Anyway, DH got really upset when I tried to explain my situation. He says I’m putting pressure on him and that he didn’t interfere with how and when I tell my own family. He said that I know that he would tell them ‘before May’ (he’s made this timeline clear before) so now he feels I just want to start a fight with him for no reason. He then threatened to call them straight away (it was almost midnight), I had to physically grab the phone and apologise..,I blamed pregnancy hormones and told him that I was unreasonable, but I’m not sure if I was?

He slept in the spare room, doesn’t talk to me, and says that he will tell them now today because I have destroyed his plans of how he wanted to tell them and it doesn’t matter anymore now.

He is doing harm, because at this point he's expecting the OP to actively hide it, which is unreasonable and weird.

I mean to be fair not telling anyone in his family that he and his wife are expecting a baby is already a pretty big issue. The OP isn't the one making a scene about the whole thing.

Hi, I think that your DH has some big problem and it would be a good idea to talk to a clinical pschologist privately, just the two of you. This is only going to get worse, and dealing with his issues and a baby (which will likely take after him) is going to be very challenging.

Not your problem. Tell him you think she's goi g to get suspicious soon and leave it to him

His behaviour is vey weird - not being slow to tell them - but his reaction when you said he needed to crack on.

Has he behaved like this before? It’s very strange

I'd tell the sister in law at the next coffee morning and also tell her what a prat her brother is.

This. His weirdness shouldn’t impact on you.

My dh refused to tell his parents he had a significant health issue - although he put his sister in an awkward position by telling her. He decided to wait until he saw them which was about 4 months after diagnosis. We (me & grown up children) all told him it was an idiotic approach but left him to it as he was stroppy about it. They seemed a bit surprised/sad he hadn’t told him & annoyed his sister knew. Tbh they’re as weird as he is about sharing health information. I just keep out of it.

He's not getting it, is he? Unless he says something soon, they'll know outside of his time line! Weird.

and says that he will tell them now today because I have destroyed his plans of how he wanted to tell them and it doesn’t matter anymore now.

Sounds like you've already got a child to deal with!

He’s really supportive in the pregnancy and very loving, but he has a habit of getting disproportionately angry whenever slightly challenged. He likes to do things his way and there’s not much room for other opinions.

Op, you need to stop assuming responsibility for other people's actions. If they are upset with him, they are, and it will be his fault. You can't manage everyone and their feelings, it's not in your power, and trying to do it leads to madness trust me! Expecting him to grow up and deal with his own shit will do you well when you have an actual child to look after. If sil asks you I'd confirm. Don't lay into him, but just tell her to ask him for his reasoning. All the best.

Lots of red flags, having to apologise when he was being ridiculous and then him sulking in the spare room, silent treatment probably. This is controlling behaviour, the sort that you don't always recognise as such when you're living with it. My exH mentally tortured me with sulking and silent treatment.

This is quite extreme really, expecting you to hide a pregnancy, for apparently no reason other than her wants to control the message. You're married and it was planned, surely his family will think it's strange? A PP said maybe someone had had a miscarriage in the family, but why wouldn't he tell his wife that's the reason?

When he tells his family, your pregnancy finally becomes ‘real’. For whatever reason, he cannot cope with the loss of control this will bring for him. I know this is banded around a lot on here, but there is possibly neurodiversity at play here. I have a friend in a relationship with a man who acts similarly with his family. He is diagnosed ASD now. He hides things for months, years. House purchases, pregnancy, engagement. Socially awkward and seemingly shy. Don’t hide your pregnancy. It will become apparent sooner or later one way or another.

This is very weird behaviour from him. A baby is a natural progression after marriage and the most amazing thing, he should be shouting from the rooftops. Which makes me question if he even wanted a baby? Anyway, thier your family too, your married. Tell them and don't let this man child ruin your pregnancy

And honestly if DH wants to tell his mum first he needs to tell her before you are large enough for any passing mutual friend/acquaintance to notice and congratulate your MIL on becoming a grandmother.

I think I’d just tell him SIL will notice soon & you’re not going to lie, so he may need to crack on. But up to him. He sounds infuriating tbh.

Well, let his sister keep his secret for him from their mum if she wants. Still not your problem.

I'm also concerned that you felt you had to apologise to him to stop him phoning his parents at midnight?

Again, why were his actions somehow your responsibility?

I don't believe he would've done it anyway. How do you think that conversation would've gone? He would have sounded ridiculous. And if he can't tell them in the cold light of day, why do you believe he would tell them in the middle of the night?

He's manipulating you when he does stuff like this, and unfortunately for you it has been working.

You can't control him or his actions, so don't try to. He needs to sort it his parent issue himself.

Just out of interest, have you thought about how him being like this might impact your child throughout their childhood?

He's had 16 weeks to tell his mum first. He's lost that opportunity. Give him an ultimatum. He tells them before your next meet up with your SIL, or you start wearing clothes that show off your bump.

This isn't him being private. It's him being very, very bizarre.

"I'm seeing your sister for a coffee later, she'll see the bump. If she asks if I'm pregnant, I'll tell her to talk to you. If you want to be the one to tell your mum, you have about 3 hours to do it in. OK love you byeeee!"

This is very odd. The sulking and sleeping in the spare room is ridiculous. Stop engaging with this type of childishness.

Could you show him this thread?

I'm sorry OP this sounds so unfair on you. 2nd trimester is the nicest one, you should enjoying it not hiding and making excuses, because you're worried (scared?) DH gets angry about being challenged. This is no way to live. What's it going to be like with a newborn, when you're sleep deprived and hormonal. And do you think it's OK for your DC to grow up feeling like they must always do exactly what Dad says, even if it's weird, because he cannot be upset?!

The more you post the more red flags I see. He's controlling, argumentative, immature, has to have his own way and keeps secrets from those he's close to.

I wouldn't be so sure I wanted to raise a child with someone who is behaving like this even before you've had the baby and are knee deep in nappies and running on sleep.

Some very strange replies on here. Hiding early pregnancy is usual but this is no longer early pregnancy, your DH has gone way too far and is now firmly in the territory of being a weirdo.

I’m sad for you that he’s spoiling what should be an exciting and joyful time. He sounds incredibly selfish.

I guess just tell him that you’re fed up of having to actively decieve those around you so either he tells them this week or you’ll have to explain your bump next time you see them.

Do NOT let him tell you that this is about ‘pregnancy hormones’ he is being controlling and weird. I’m so sad for you that he bullied you into apologising.

He'll tell them by May? You could be halfway through your pregnancy by then.

I think I'd tell him that you won't mention it again but if anyone asks you'll tell them you've been asked not to comment so could they please speak to him directly. Make
It clear if sil has her suspicions he might not get the option of telling his mum first.

When she does ask, just smile and say 'you know what dh is like. You'll have to ask him directly' then wink and change the subject