Row with DH because he still hasn’t told his family that we’re expecting a baby

[Newusername7]

I’m 16 weeks pregnant and started to show, it’s quite obvious. I tried to approach the subject about telling his family yesterday. We’re married and he always wanted a baby, so they’d be delighted. However, he is a very private person. He doesn’t like to share much about his life with anyone (although he’s very close with them and calls his parents and also siblings at least once per week..,but only chitchat and making sure they’re alright, he never talks about himself) it took a year for him to tell them that we’re dating and - after we got engaged five years in - several months to tell them that we’re engaged.

I start to feel really uncomfortable engaging with his family without them knowing about the pregnancy, partly because (in my mind) it’s bloody obvious when looking at my belly. So now I feel I either have to avoid going to family outings, or come up with stupid excuse after excuse (‘oh god, I’m so bloated today’, ‘it’s a bit cold in here so I’d rather keep my coat on’).

Anyway, DH got really upset when I tried to explain my situation. He says I’m putting pressure on him and that he didn’t interfere with how and when I tell my own family. He said that I know that he would tell them ‘before May’ (he’s made this timeline clear before) so now he feels I just want to start a fight with him for no reason. He then threatened to call them straight away (it was almost midnight), I had to physically grab the phone and apologise..,I blamed pregnancy hormones and told him that I was unreasonable, but I’m not sure if I was?

He slept in the spare room, doesn’t talk to me, and says that he will tell them now today because I have destroyed his plans of how he wanted to tell them and it doesn’t matter anymore now.

I have to agree that this is driven by anxiety (around what, who knows, he probably doesn’t know) and he’s dealing with it by pretending it doesn’t exist/not thinking about it.

Infuriating in this case, and the tantrum of ringing in the middle of the night/sleeping elsewhere is very childish/annoying. Be careful that trying to control you because he’s anxious/having a tantrum if you resist doesn’t spread. It can do.

Odd. Is he neurodivergent? I know that’s a standard response to any unusual behaviour on here.

or is he worried about the pregnancy and wants to wait until after 20 week scan?

either way he needs to listen to your wishes too. I’m struggling to understand what purpose keeping it secret serves?

That's normal behaviour on his part
Does he have any issues
I'd be quite worried if that was my dh

Where did not go
Sure I typed the word not

@SpringingAlong is right, this is seriously disturbing behavior.
rather beyond absurd and comprehension.
please speak to a professional regarding his mental health.

That’s not your problem. Telling them in May is absurd. That is 4-8 weeks away. And I assume you will be seeing them a few times before then.

it doesn’t make any sense. You’re already showing so it’s obvious. That’s not privacy, that’s lying. Don’t let him get you caught up in it.

How long will he wait before he lets you see yours or his family after baby is born?

Why can't you tell them?

the sister in law will work that out for herself - it seems unlikely that this man has never displayed weird behaviour before the baby was due - he sounds agitated, unbalanced, as in out of kilter - I’m feeling The Good Doctor vibes here

That's the thing about kids ,and especially teens ,they are also always convinced they are right .
I predict your in for a bumpy ride with this man

Sounds like a perfect environment to raise a child in…

Wow, he's overly dramatic isn't he, getting in a huff and sleeping on the couch because he can't handle you explaining your feelings to him.

How do you think he'll go when you want to talk with him about parenting issues in the future? It's not going to be fun dealing with his dramatics whenever you want to raise issues with him.

This is just bizarre. Why is it not a joint discussion about how to announce to people? Not announcing immediately after thr positive test or 12 week scan is fine, but when you're seeing his family weekly its probably worth doing it before it shows! I'm assuming you've told friends, maybe work etc by now so it's possible that your in-laws will now be pretty upset they weren't high on the list of people to tell. Especially if you're close to SIL.

Would he have actually called at midnight? Or was he saying that to make you out to be the bad guy? You need to ask him what is his plan for telling people and why? Is he terrified of being a dad? Is he trying to protect someone who had a miscarriage or is he trying to control you?

I hope to hell you have the same parenting ideas.. Or you are in for a rough ride with a dc...

I would tell him that his sister will guess and you aren't going to lie if she does so if he wants to tell his family first he needs to crack on.

His anger at you is ridiculous. Where is the compromise?

🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

I do agree that his behaviour about some things is bizarre at times. I don’t really think he is controlling because there are no other signs…he doesn’t try at all to control what I do, but he asks in return that I don’t question what he does either, which was kind of what upset him in our conversation yesterday, I think.
I had wondered before if he is ND because he seems to struggle with talking about certain things. He definitely really wants this child and he’s the most amazing uncle, and happiest I ever see him when he’s around his siblings’ kids. I think he’ll be great with our child, but I do worry how we will handle conversations.

You just need to lay out his options and leave it to him:

DH I can't hide this anymore and want to keep meeting up with SIL.
If she asks I'm not going to lie which means your Mum could find out from her instead.
Or you need to tell her yourself

Then it's over to him 🤷‍♀️

How is that sort of temper going to work with a child. They don’t always follow the plan and push boundaries and constantly challenge?

what will you do if that anger is turned towards your LO?

Have you tried talking to him about that, OP, his rigid approach - at a time where there's not just been an argument or anything. What does he say? Does he acknowledge that it's a massive problem?
It's just... my dad was like this, it's affected me my whole life.

Sorry OP, but when this new baby is born you'll then have two of them.

Not your problem if she guesses. Have one conversation with him to reassure him that it's his call on how he lets his family know but you are now starting to show and if anyone asks directly if you are pregnant you won't lie.

I'd be more concerned about his difficult behaviour and anger. Look after yourself, it is a thing for this to ramp up in pregnancy and when baby is born. You will likely be more vulnerable than you think.

So you have to tip toe round him? I wouldn't like that.

Have you thought about the long term. When he's controlling your child as to what they can and can't say. Or getting angry with them for wanting to talk about normal things. Teaching your child to lie and keep secrets?

Not sharing his is own stuff it is frustrating but at least it's his stuff. He doesn't have ownership over YOUR pregnancy. It's your body , your autonomy. It's not his place to decide.

I would say to him this stops now he tells them because you are not going to lie for him anymore.

Why do you accept it. Aren't your feelings valid?

If you defied him about this, or about any other rule he has put in place, what would be the worst outcome?