Row with DH because he still hasn’t told his family that we’re expecting a baby

[Newusername7]

I’m 16 weeks pregnant and started to show, it’s quite obvious. I tried to approach the subject about telling his family yesterday. We’re married and he always wanted a baby, so they’d be delighted. However, he is a very private person. He doesn’t like to share much about his life with anyone (although he’s very close with them and calls his parents and also siblings at least once per week..,but only chitchat and making sure they’re alright, he never talks about himself) it took a year for him to tell them that we’re dating and - after we got engaged five years in - several months to tell them that we’re engaged.

I start to feel really uncomfortable engaging with his family without them knowing about the pregnancy, partly because (in my mind) it’s bloody obvious when looking at my belly. So now I feel I either have to avoid going to family outings, or come up with stupid excuse after excuse (‘oh god, I’m so bloated today’, ‘it’s a bit cold in here so I’d rather keep my coat on’).

Anyway, DH got really upset when I tried to explain my situation. He says I’m putting pressure on him and that he didn’t interfere with how and when I tell my own family. He said that I know that he would tell them ‘before May’ (he’s made this timeline clear before) so now he feels I just want to start a fight with him for no reason. He then threatened to call them straight away (it was almost midnight), I had to physically grab the phone and apologise..,I blamed pregnancy hormones and told him that I was unreasonable, but I’m not sure if I was?

He slept in the spare room, doesn’t talk to me, and says that he will tell them now today because I have destroyed his plans of how he wanted to tell them and it doesn’t matter anymore now.

Im sure that there’s no particular reason why he doesn’t tell his family, it fits in well with him not telling his family anything about his life in general. He once said to me (about a different topic) that he doesn’t like sharing what’s going on with people because he prefers to deal with stuff on his own.

Or “ expecting.” As if you just got it in your head one might arrive … a bit like the garden centre’s spring catalogue

So she's got to stay hidden away from his family?

If anyone's 'controlling' in that situation it's not the OP

I agree - my ex also would get disproportionately angry over pretty much nothing. One time which come to mind was when the cat jumped onto the bed and sat on my lap. I was pregnant at the time. He shouted and roared at me for that - to the point that I was sitting on the stairs in floods of tears, while he blocked my way and shouted at me for crying. This kind of thing became my normal. He also would give me the silent treatment for a time then behave as if nothing had happened. Meantime, I was traumatised.

OP - this behaviour is not normal - at all - and is potentially extremely scary and abusive.

Please think very carefully about the future of this relationship.

He didn’t mention waiting until after the 20 weeks scan. He doesn’t appear very worried in general and keeps reassuring me that the risk after the first trimester is very low. I think he just throws a random date (or not date, since all he says is ‘before May’) out there to buy time.

I would just tell them yourself and tell him to grow up when he goes in the huff. He is being really weird and sounds like because you have challenged him he is now being stubborn about telling them. They will be a bit pissed off when you turn up with a baby you have kept a secret, or is he going to hide the baby until he is ready to announce the birth?

Another one not understanding why you’re with the man child.

I didn’t tell anyone until 16 weeks, and told the majority of people at 20 weeks. I was worried I was going to lose the baby and wanted it to be a really big surprise and say we’re half way through already. I can’t really see the problem. But it’s around now he needs to let them all know.

My main concern for the future would be over behaviour/discipline

If you're not on the same page there I see a world of pain and difficulty ahead of you

@Newusername7 just don’t let his problem become your problem. Just go about your life as a normal 16 week pregnant person would, don’t hide it, and don’t worry about them finding out. Tell him in the meantime if they ask, you won’t lie to them, and if they don’t know by shortly after your 5 month scan then you will be telling them yourself. These are going to be your babies aunties/uncles/grandparents, it’s also disrespectful to them to let it go on any longer than the 5 month mark.

I've just posted about my ex's disproportionate anger and the profoundly traumatic effect it had on me. He never "thumped" me, but the verbal aggressive, sulking, silent treatment and sheer unpredictable irrationality of it really was traumatising. Around the time I was planning to leave, I made an appointment to see the GP because I was having heart palpitations, terrible headaches, pain in my neck and arms, and pins and needles in my arms and legs, hands and feet. I mixed up the appointment date, and by the time I did actually see the GP I actually felt much better - but I told the GP what I had been experiencing and he said those were textbook symptoms of chronic stress. Abuse doesn't have to be physical.

with ‘disappropriately angry’ I mean that he can get really upset about something rather trivial, like ‘Darling, I think my belly really shows now, I don’t think I can hide it from your family for much longer’. He’s not violent, doesn’t shout or name call, but raises his voice and gets really worked up about something that’s not really a massive issue - it just becomes one because of his reaction.

You probably don't even realise it but you're dialling back your comments on his behaviour, and minimising them, most likely because of the endless posts telling you that his behaviour is not okay. It can be quite difficult to hear that and I've seen this happen a lot in RL and on MN where a woman whose partner is behaving appallingly gets defensive of him when this is pointed out.

In the above, you say he's not violent, doesn't shout or name call. But you've told us that he was shouting, that he sulks, he got into such a state you were physically trying to get his phone away from him, you had to pretend that YOU were in the wrong to calm him down and, even after this apology from you, he STILL further punished you by sleeping in the spare bedroom.

Hard to imagine him dealing with all the issues of fatherhood.
Sorry but he is immature & childish- needs to grow up quickly.

Are you prepared to put up with this bizarre behaviour for the next 40/ 50 years?

• with ‘disappropriately angry’ I mean that he can get really upset about something rather trivial, like ‘Darling, I think my belly really shows now, I don’t think I can hide it from your family for much longer’. He’s not violent, doesn’t shout or name call, but raises his voice and gets really worked up about something that’s not really a massive issue - it just becomes one because of his reaction

Has he always been like this?

Has he changed and become like this?

Do you think he has control over his behaviour?

Do you think he has no control over his behaviour and can't help himself?

👆🏻👆🏻👆🏻NONE of these options are ok

I cant tell but it almost sounds like you are now trying to minimize or make excuses for his behaviour. I don't think the issue is that he hasn't told his parents, I don't think that would bother me too much but the fact he flares up over trivial matters and also sulks afterwards is awful nasty and controlling behaviour. How dare he behave like that. Kids bring lots of happiness into relationships but they can also bring masses of stress. If he can't control himself around you what makes you think he can control his behaviour around an irritating small child or an annnoying teenager.

I think you just need to ask him what he expects you to do, now that you're developing a bump. Tell him that you want to respect his choice of how/when to tell his family, but you are genuinely unsure how this can be achieved.
Does he want you to stop meeting your SIL?
Does he want you to meet her, but lie to her if she asks if you're pregnant?
Both of those options are massively unfair on you.
So is he happy for you to keep meeting her, and then be honest if she asks?

Basically my strategy would be to say "OK, you want to do it your way, tell me exactly how you expect me to facilitate this. Given me solutions to this dilemma"

The "disproportionately angry" comment is worrying, especially as it appears to spring from innocuous comments. How the hell is he going to cope with being a father?
Your baby/toddler isn't going to hold back from making certain comments or phrase them in a way to spare his feelings. They're going to say exactly what they think in a very uncensored way. How is he going to cope with that? Sulk and refuse to be in the same room with them for a day?

My ex did this. Turns out he had 2 other kids he didn’t see

Oh now I tend to keep my cards close to my chest.

But dating, engagement, pregnancy-they are hardly things to "deal with on your own".

Mostly because they automatically involve someone else!

Maybe he is ND but if he can't cope unless everything is done his way he has no business getting married or having children. Why should those around suffer because he can't take others wishes into account.

He certainly likes to control the narrative doesn't he? What happens when the baby comes along - your family will know within hours. But what about his family? 3 weeks? or longer?
These are your in-laws - perhaps you should be taking control of the narrative for the moment!! They know that he is a private person but that needn't stop you spreading your joint news!!
It does make me wonder what he will be like when your child grows up? Two weeks to congratulate them on achieving something or six weeks to tell them off about some little misdemeanor??

Same.

You’ve really glossed over all of his abusive tactics, OP. The silent treatment, the blowing up at you if you question anything, the emotional manipulation, the way he made himself a victim by saying you had ruined his (non-existent, by the way) plans to tell his family on some made-up date…

As above, I can see how this is going to play out once there’s a poor little baby involved, and it’s not good.

He doesn't get to decide when you announce your pregnancy to other people, regardless of whether they are his family or not. The pregnancy is happening in your body, not his, and he has no right to expect you to go through the awkwardness and embarrassment of concealing your body and inventing lies to hide how it's changing. I'd tell him that either he announced it before the next meet up or you would tell them yourself.

I think this is a really unhealthy way to be and something you need to tackle in order not to compromise his relationships with his future children.

Do you want them to grow up fearful to express feelings or unable to open up.