Row with DH because he still hasn’t told his family that we’re expecting a baby

[Newusername7]

I’m 16 weeks pregnant and started to show, it’s quite obvious. I tried to approach the subject about telling his family yesterday. We’re married and he always wanted a baby, so they’d be delighted. However, he is a very private person. He doesn’t like to share much about his life with anyone (although he’s very close with them and calls his parents and also siblings at least once per week..,but only chitchat and making sure they’re alright, he never talks about himself) it took a year for him to tell them that we’re dating and - after we got engaged five years in - several months to tell them that we’re engaged.

I start to feel really uncomfortable engaging with his family without them knowing about the pregnancy, partly because (in my mind) it’s bloody obvious when looking at my belly. So now I feel I either have to avoid going to family outings, or come up with stupid excuse after excuse (‘oh god, I’m so bloated today’, ‘it’s a bit cold in here so I’d rather keep my coat on’).

Anyway, DH got really upset when I tried to explain my situation. He says I’m putting pressure on him and that he didn’t interfere with how and when I tell my own family. He said that I know that he would tell them ‘before May’ (he’s made this timeline clear before) so now he feels I just want to start a fight with him for no reason. He then threatened to call them straight away (it was almost midnight), I had to physically grab the phone and apologise..,I blamed pregnancy hormones and told him that I was unreasonable, but I’m not sure if I was?

He slept in the spare room, doesn’t talk to me, and says that he will tell them now today because I have destroyed his plans of how he wanted to tell them and it doesn’t matter anymore now.

Sounds like my BIL...didn't tell anyone he had a girlfriend, then rocks up with a very pregnant fiance. (He barely engages with anyone so it was a bit of a surprise to meet his fiancee two weeks before her due date!)

Definitely draft a plan B. Babies challenge even the most solid relationship so be prepared for this.

And if it's that obvious they'll think the OP is nuts!

Are you going to go through all of this when the baby is born and he wants to tell people on his terms?

Honestly, he sounds a bit batshit. If he's happy about the baby, there is no reason to hide it from family who will be just as thrilled. I think you need to keep your guard up a little here in all seriousness.

This x100!

Further

”with ‘disappropriately angry’ I mean that he can get really upset about something rather trivial, like ‘Darling, I think my belly really shows now, I don’t think I can hide it from your family for much longer’. “

What do you think he’d do if you actually went to meet your SIL and when she asked , you told her???

He does try to control you. This is a prime example of it!

It is not going to be possible to live parallel lives, where he can make his choices and you can make yours.

His “choices” are negatively impacting on your life and your pregnancy (which is supposed to be a happy time by the way). You need the basic human freedom to speak up and discuss things that negatively impact on you without fear.

I'd just carry on as normal. If any of his family ask, just tell them.

Sounds very like my oldest son who has ADHD and Autism ( high functioning). He likes to feel in control of what he is doing and can get agitated very quickly if others v make demands of him, including asking him to do things, talk about things or answer questions. Any demands make him instantly anxious and for him anxiety tends to make him slam on the brakes and then turn to anger as some kind of defense mechanism. he can control this to a certain extent unless he is stressed or tired ( and he finds normal life very tiring).
I often worry about what kind of partner he would make, not as easy to live with as his Dad unfortunately, despite our best efforts to model a good relationship.
He is extremely private and chooses to share as little as possible with me, even good news like exam results takes ages to be shared
I remember having to deal with this when he was little, well meaning strangers would ask his name or age and get a Paddington Bear stare in return and no reply!

Hi everyone, I have anxiety and just wanted to know if I'm right to be worried. My 12 year old daughter has a camhs appointment tomorrow for her ocd and I'm worried she's going to tell them that me and her dad have had a couple of arguments lately. We've been separated for 11 years and don't live together and usually get along amicably. Should u be concerned? Thanks in advance

Of course he should choose when he tells his family and you could just stay away from them for a month or so, if needed.

The real problem here is how he's reacted to your explanation of how difficult it is to hide the bump around them. Not talking to you and saying you've now 'ruined his plans' for telling them?! SO immature, honestly.

I do hope he does some swift growing up before baby arrives.

You need to start your own thread, @Roxy91

You won't get many replies posting this as a comment.x.

Another MN thread that went lurid.

My husband is like this. Telling his family eventually came down to me as he avoided it like the plague. I marched in with him and chucked the scan photos down.

DH kinda accepted this reluctantly. The next thing we did is went and got married and didn't tell anyone. When we went for dinner with my PIL, DH came straight out with it as he worried I'd march in!

My DH is both very private and conflict avoidant. May not work if your DH isn't!

You are pregnant, it is your news so why don't you just tell them. Your dh is being ridiculous.

Why the hell should she wait, he is not God. He is a bloody grown man that needs to get his head out of his arse. Should she spend her life pandering to this man child?

What a bizarre relationship. How does he get to control you? Don’t hide, just dress normally.

I’d be clear you won’t tell but you won’t hide it eg not keep coat on, wear maternity jeans. If you are asked directly you’ll not lie and will say yes. It’s very odd behaviour.

I think this is pretty much the only logical way forward. The race is on: will they ask or will DH tell!?

To go against the grain I think it's unfair to push him. It's his family and his decision - as long as he would be ok with you telling the truth if asked directly then it's fine. Don't tell, but if SIL asks then tell her DH wants to tell his mum 'any news' first. I waited to tell my family about my DC and would have been really upset if my partner had pushed me to tell before I was ready. I do think you need to work on your communication before baby comes, as you say, because you will have to make decisions every 5 mins.

It’s mad that you are enabling his behaviour by saying you’re bloated etc

I know he said he’d announce it today but I would tell him that if SIL asks you directly, you won’t lie.

If you are 16 weeks already then waiting til May to tell family is insane. I imagine it hasn't iccured to him how massive you'll be by May and how blindingly obvious it will be by then. If you have a job, you'll probably need to tell your employer before May because youll feel like an arse if you're wandering about being clearly pregnant.
So i would spell out to DH that he can wait til May if he likes but that his parents will then be finding out after all your friends/family/colleagues

It’s practically April btw. She won’t necessarily be that massive.

'but he has a habit of getting disproportionately angry whenever slightly challenged.'

Huge red flag.
This is a man who is controlling the whole narrative here.
It is totally inappropriate behaviour and he will only get worse.
LTB asap.

You need to knock this nonsense on the head before you have a child, he can't be controlling what everyone says about events that they are the center of.

I am easy-going but wouldn't be tiptoing around him or apologizing for being a normal, open, human being. FGS don't cater to this. Don't let any child think it's OK to treat your spouse and kids this way.

You meet with sil once a week. Won't she be a bit hurt that all your family know yet she wasn't told or rest of dh family. Makes it look like you don't really like them very much