Row with DH because he still hasn’t told his family that we’re expecting a baby

[Newusername7]

I’m 16 weeks pregnant and started to show, it’s quite obvious. I tried to approach the subject about telling his family yesterday. We’re married and he always wanted a baby, so they’d be delighted. However, he is a very private person. He doesn’t like to share much about his life with anyone (although he’s very close with them and calls his parents and also siblings at least once per week..,but only chitchat and making sure they’re alright, he never talks about himself) it took a year for him to tell them that we’re dating and - after we got engaged five years in - several months to tell them that we’re engaged.

I start to feel really uncomfortable engaging with his family without them knowing about the pregnancy, partly because (in my mind) it’s bloody obvious when looking at my belly. So now I feel I either have to avoid going to family outings, or come up with stupid excuse after excuse (‘oh god, I’m so bloated today’, ‘it’s a bit cold in here so I’d rather keep my coat on’).

Anyway, DH got really upset when I tried to explain my situation. He says I’m putting pressure on him and that he didn’t interfere with how and when I tell my own family. He said that I know that he would tell them ‘before May’ (he’s made this timeline clear before) so now he feels I just want to start a fight with him for no reason. He then threatened to call them straight away (it was almost midnight), I had to physically grab the phone and apologise..,I blamed pregnancy hormones and told him that I was unreasonable, but I’m not sure if I was?

He slept in the spare room, doesn’t talk to me, and says that he will tell them now today because I have destroyed his plans of how he wanted to tell them and it doesn’t matter anymore now.

Don't cover it up, but don't make it deliberately obvious either. If your SIL guesses, say "yes I am, but DH hasn't told your mum yet so please keep it to yourself for now".

Wow - just wear what you want & if they notice you’re pregnant so what? Be honest if they ask.

I'd just ask him what he wants you to do when SIL notices? Say you don't comfortable lying, so if she asks you, tell him you are going to reply honestly and at that point he may have to up his timetable about telling his mum.. You can always explain to SIL and ask her not to say anything until he's ready to tell their mum, she must know what he's like surely?

Then completely ignore it with SIL unless she flat out asks you, don't emphasise it or make excuses like 'being bloated' as that's just daft.

I'm going to be honest though OP, this sort of combative behaviour over insignificant things, it doesn't bode well for how you will communicate as parents.

I also didn't tell anything till after 20 week scan. Noone guessed as far as I know, certainly noone asked me lol

OP, what do you think would happen if you were to tell his parents that you're pregnant?

I didn't say it had to be physical. I'm saying "disproportionately angry" means different things to different people based on their own experiences. As you can see, your experience is different from how the OP described hers. Hence why I suggested she explain what she meant by that.

He then threatened to call them straight away (it was almost midnight), I had to physically grab the phone and apologise..,I blamed pregnancy hormones and told him that I was unreasonable, but I’m not sure if I was?

Why did you have to physically grab the phone? His response was bizarre but so was yours. Why did you gaslight yourself by blaming pregnancy hormones? If he's such a fucking child he'd disturb him family at midnight to make some kind of point then that's not your problem.

He slept in the spare room, doesn’t talk to me, and says that he will tell them now today because I have destroyed his plans of how he wanted to tell them and it doesn’t matter anymore now.

It's a baby not the second coming. Is he always so childish?

Tell him to grow up. Things will be hard enough with a new born without having to wrangle with a toddler in an adults body.

I think it's unlikely that this behaviour is limited to issues around telling his family you're having a baby which is concerning.

I couldn't cope with a partner who sulked. It's so babyish. And why did he not tell you how he wanted to tell his family so you could understand what he was doing? If he wants your co-operation with that, he should spit it out and ell you what his 'plans' were.

I think his behaviour will become a problem as the child grows up.
E.g...will he expect you not to challenge that he wants to do XYZ in his free time when really you need him to parent the child / do his share of the housework etc?

And this avoidance of talking to his family...what if for example he needs to arrange for his family to look after the child at some point during school holidays and he refuses to have a conversation with them until he deems it appropriate and then they have plans already because he's left it so late...Or just things like that. Will he facilitate involving his family in the child's life? Will you be expected to be the communicator in all matters to do with his family? That will be exhausting.

Will he drag his feet about arranging things like parties / christmas celebrations for the child etc...will all the stuff that requires organisation / forward planning / talking to people fall to you?

Having a child forces a relationship into some very uncomfortable places - you're both knackered, frequently picking up illnesses, housework piling up etc..and you can't just flounce off and sulk for a day when you're pissed off at the other person and there is a child in the house. He needs to work on how he manages conflict.

There is an issue here between him and his family

There must be a back story. Are his parents overly judgmental? Controlling? This isn’t a normal response

He is being ridiculous IMHO. Why is he behaving in this strange way. I would just say nothing and go along with it by not avoiding people or concealing your bump. He is very wrong to put you in this awkward situation. If anybody asks you outright say pass.

Given that you, not your DH, are the one who is actually pregnant, I think in your position I'd be inclined just to tell them.

Apart from anything, if you really are starting to show, and they've guessed or suspect that you are pregnant, then it might feel a bit hurtful or weird to them that you haven't shared the news.

Yes, they are his family and not yours, but he's obviously expecting you to see them and socialise with them regularly, so it's not like he's estranged from them and keeping them at a distance. He needs to stop such a giant sullen brat about this and either tell them himself or accept that you're telling them. Does he think they're going to tell him for having sex, or something? Ridiculous.

I would also be worried about someone who had 24-hour sulks and stormed off to the spare room over even the most trivial of questions.

Does he want to tell them on a special occasion, like his mother's birthday or parents wedding anniversary?

I mean you’re married so in my opinion they are your family aswell - I would give him a deadline to confront this or otherwise tell them myself. He sounds a bit strange that he won’t share anything with them unless he is estranged which it doesn’t sound like from your post. There’s private as in not telling your colleagues but family deffo isn’t in the same category!!! Congratulations x

Totally agree with this.

So many posts on Mumsnet where the OP says 'He is supportive and loving...' and then outlines a pattern of behaviour which is the absolute opposite of supportive and loving.

I'm a bit like OP's husband, except the sulking in another room and the triggered anger etc... I'm ending the first trimester, and not looking forward to telling my mum because even before I got married she made the idea of babies all about herself. I'm an incubator, that is all. Along with many other issues stemming from childhood. I asked DH to wait until the first scan in a couple of weeks' time until he tells his family, but I'm really really wanting to put it off as long as possible... I do realise I'm being childish though.
Maybe your DH has something similar going on? I was also triggered quite easily until I moved out to uni, and now realise it was because of the suppressed aggression for myself I felt throughout childhood. Now because of hormones some of that comes back, I just want to shut my mother off completely... I feel a baby will bring her closer in, which I don't want.... like she wants to be the controlling matriarch of the family and I'm 'gifting' her that. makes me feel sick. I've also been reading about mothers(in-law) on reddit and 'baby rabies' which doesnt help since my mother did a lot of it already without 'baby' even,
DH has joked with me a few times like I won't tell them until the kid goes to uni, and while it's a joke I also understand what he's getting at.
IMO best if you leave DH to deal with his own immediate family, your bump will become obvious.....

yeah I was thinking that.... I don't share a lot either, you tend to learn since you're a kid even everything you share meets negativity or criticism or judgement.... 'what crap you read', 'why are you interested in that?!',
everything is too much or either not enough, either too stupid or too clever.... I got done at one point. DH, my mother and I were in a restaurant, he ordered a burger and she goes to me - you should control what he eats!. i was like - excuse me?! she repeats again like I'm deaf. This was just before our wedding, I was horrified.
sorry to unload here, just trying to give another perspective of a person who's hesitant to also share baby news.

ND, or a weird d*ck.

It’s really odd and controlling behaviour. Communication is key and if he can’t communicate before the baby or you’re worried you’ll upset him now it doesn’t bode well for the future.

🤢

Tell them yourself and tell him to grow the fuck up. My ex would do shit like this.

All this ND stuff, (I'm ND), men getting emotional,
being private, blah blah....
My concern after reading the FT is that he simply doesn't accept or is in denial about becoming a father.
Which would not be good.
T*at.
Sorry.

Awful.
You say you had to apologise to get him to a not follow through a ridiculous threat.
That's coercive defined!

Do your own family know? Your in-laws would likely find it very hurtful if they haven't been told when other grandparents-to -be have heard the news. You really have to tell them yourself if that's the case, it would create a very awkward situation if they were to find out indirectly, and of course most of the bad feeling would be aimed at you, even though your husband is the one to blame. Just ring them. He sounds as if he has form so surely they'd understand, if you make light of his eccentricity/bloody weirdness.

He sounds like a manipulative snake op. He set you up for that argument.

I don't know why you would stay married to him, let alone have kids.

Want to know the secret, he's not a 'private person', he keeps you a secret to make you feel insecure about his feelings for you. And now he's keeping the baby a secret in order to goad you into arguments where he can make you out to be a bad guy.

It's like if I had a bag of sweets and dangled them infromt of a child and then child, naturally, reached for them. And I went 'you've ruined it for yourself now! You're not getting any and it's all your fault!'

Abusers do this shit all the time.

Your husband is abusive and I'd bet my ass there are other examples of controlling,manipulative and nasty behaviour from him.

I'd be packing my bags.