Row with DH because he still hasn’t told his family that we’re expecting a baby

[Newusername7]

I’m 16 weeks pregnant and started to show, it’s quite obvious. I tried to approach the subject about telling his family yesterday. We’re married and he always wanted a baby, so they’d be delighted. However, he is a very private person. He doesn’t like to share much about his life with anyone (although he’s very close with them and calls his parents and also siblings at least once per week..,but only chitchat and making sure they’re alright, he never talks about himself) it took a year for him to tell them that we’re dating and - after we got engaged five years in - several months to tell them that we’re engaged.

I start to feel really uncomfortable engaging with his family without them knowing about the pregnancy, partly because (in my mind) it’s bloody obvious when looking at my belly. So now I feel I either have to avoid going to family outings, or come up with stupid excuse after excuse (‘oh god, I’m so bloated today’, ‘it’s a bit cold in here so I’d rather keep my coat on’).

Anyway, DH got really upset when I tried to explain my situation. He says I’m putting pressure on him and that he didn’t interfere with how and when I tell my own family. He said that I know that he would tell them ‘before May’ (he’s made this timeline clear before) so now he feels I just want to start a fight with him for no reason. He then threatened to call them straight away (it was almost midnight), I had to physically grab the phone and apologise..,I blamed pregnancy hormones and told him that I was unreasonable, but I’m not sure if I was?

He slept in the spare room, doesn’t talk to me, and says that he will tell them now today because I have destroyed his plans of how he wanted to tell them and it doesn’t matter anymore now.

So OP has to be yelled at by her husband to spare the feelings of his parents?

What about her feelings?

I don't understand your logic.

And OP is not responsible for her husband's actions.

what a massive dripfeed and very red flag.😮

Is he too embarrassed to admit to his family that he <<whispers>> is having sex?

First things first, are you both the same age, has he been married before are there any previous children of his involved in the equasion ?

If not this behaviour seems very odd, well not odd if you look at how an abusive man can appear early on in a relationship.
By any chance op is he a bit of a golden child in his family ? it sounds like he's learnt some quite manipulative tactics for getting his own way, the mardiness, sulking, withdrawl of love, anger when questioned, these are high indicative of narcissitic behaviour.

Your choice, enthusiasm, and happiness over celebrating the pregnancy have been quashed and for what reason, there doesn't apear to be one other than his control of the situation, and the control of your happiness.

The problem going foward is when real problems arise and how he controls the narrative then, these are things you cannot forsee, but there are those of us on here that understand, how someones shyness, privacy and stange reactions to normal human events can be misunderstood and are in fact highly indicative of a manipulative person.

Don't lose yourself op, it is your body, your pregnancy, your life event, do not lie or cover up for him ever, do not allow him to take control of your every decision, that will make you ill, this treading on eggshells is not good for you through pregnancy, you and baby are the most important people in this, not him and his strange family dynamics and his lust for control.

Remember you are important.

Unless he is ND, this behaviour is simply bizarre

It's not for no reason though is it? She's having to hide her pregnancy when she's around them, and it's very awkward and difficult for her.

I’m confused. What is the reason for keeping it secret at this stage? What is his justification? Surely he realises this is odd and unusual- I don’t understand the motivations?

I think he is right to keep his private life, Private, there is nothing worse than over invasive family.
So, You could say, "OK, that's fine, but If SIL asks me, I am not lying & I'm not hiding it. So I shall simply confirm.
The rest is up to you."

I agree, I know it's not what op wants to hear but going forward she needs to understand the dynamic of this child like man.

They are rarely the innocent man child you think they are, they control, the mood and atmosphere of a marriage. They break the woman like army bootcamp, they take away then decide what you are allowed to feel, what you are allowed to experience and what you are allowed to respond to.

It's called conditioning.

Why is it such an issue for him? Does he think they're going to get too involved and be a pain in the backside .. or is he worried that they don't approve of something? ... or something else? Think you need to find out from a place of genuine interest and curiosity in the dynamics, not from angry irate wife pov.

Let him tell at his own phase. Meet with SIL and fam and if they ask something just say that your husband wants to tell them himself once he is ready. You don't have to cover for him

He sounds weird and immature. This is going to end in tears no matter what you choose to do and he’ll blame you for it.
Hes not autistic is he? Just wondering as he seems to not be able to put himself in your shoes.

No, thats the whole point.

She doesn't need to find out why he feels like he does, he's training her not to have any wants and needs of her own, only his feelings, needs and wants are important.

Op will forever more be attending to his needs, even if they are totally unreasonable, this situation is unreasonable, unlogical and he's got op worried for no reason.
This isn't innocent it's called control.

She’s stuffed either way. If they ask and she tells - he’ll accuse her of going against his wishes. If they ask and she denies it, she’s caught lying. If she covers up to avoid questions, she’s having to subjugate herself.

You can tell him the difficulty you feel is precisely because you have been trying to protect his desire to tell his family in his own time.
Hence all your efforts to conceal the bump.

But no one told baby and your efforts are becoming awkward because baby is growing and the reality is more and more obvious by the day, so despite your efforts, his arbitrary deadline is likely to be blown by the reality becoming stark staring obvious. - because the baby doesn't care about secrets being revealed in May.

Unless he wants to have a word with baby to suggest it stops growing, he'd better accept there is a limit to your concealment powers and get in first. You can't keep bending yourself out of shape to preserve his preferred schedule.

So, he can take his time, but you can't be responsible if his family have eyes and the baby grows. And the choice will be out if his and your hands soon regardless.

Exactly, she can't win.

Why would someone who loves you, do this to you.

You can tell him the difficulty you feel is precisely because you have been trying to protect his desire to tell his family in his own time.
Hence all your efforts to conceal the bump.

It's a made up pile of crap to control op and make her unhappy.*
*

OP I suggest you do the following

• agree with his plan to tell his family in May
• ask him what response he suggests you give if they ask you before then because you are showing. If he has no ideas I suggest you tell.him that you'll say "ask DH I can't answer that right now"
• ask him to make it clear when he does tell them that telling them so late was his decision not yours

Ok just wondered.

have an ND kid and always interested in potential reasons- I suspect my ex is ND (ADHD and Autism) and I think it made him very fixed and rigid and was contributing factor to his controlling behaviour( though am not saying ND people are abusive- I am myself!)

Has he told his family yet?
Are you sure he is not worried about anything? Did anyone in his family have a late miscarriage maybe? And he wants to wait till a certain week to tell them? So they do not worry.
Otherwise, it is rather silly.

Great advice. 👌

You do realise this is a serious red flag. Children will challenge you and push all buttons. I suggest he should look into anger management classes if he can't be 'challenged' or wrong (even when he is).

"... he doesn’t try at all to control what I do, but he asks in return that I don’t question what he does either ..."

"So now I feel I either have to avoid going to family outings, or come up with stupid excuse after excuse (‘oh god, I’m so bloated today’, ‘it’s a bit cold in here so I’d rather keep my coat on’)."

I'd be pointing out to him that his insistence that his family not be told yet IS controlling you. You "have a really good relationship with my sister in law and we meet up for a coffee just the two of us one morning per week. If I just stop hiding it, I think she would notice and spread the news." So to allow him to have what he wants ("to tell his mum first") you have to either avoid meeting your SIL or actively lie to her. Either of these actions could damage your relationship with his family.

I think you need to make him aware of what he is actually asking of you. His choice impacts you.

You’d probably have to be really really pregnant before anyone would say anything. I mean imagine how bad you’d feel if you ask if someone is pregnant and they are just fat. So if you don’t mention it Im sure no one else will. All my friends must have known because we went on holiday and I wasn’t drinking and insisting the meat was well done but they didn't ask.

This man sounds weird & unpleasant, I think he's trying to pretend there is no baby, he's not going to respond well to the changes that come with having a baby to look after.
I'd be making a solid plan B if I were you op.