Partners porn habits

[Howtogoaboutthis]

I am 3 months postpartum with our second, and have just discovered DP watches cam girls (and has bookmarked a couple favourites) every other day, alongside some regular porn. I have also discovered he has some upper body lingerie shots saved of girls with pert C cups at a maximum, unlike myself having gained 2 stone in my last pregnancy and now a saggy DD and breastfeeding.

Sorry, but how do I feel ok about this? The cam girl thing is too much, as are the images saved on the phone. DP claims it’s no different to old school porn mags/page 3, BUT… they couldn’t look further from me and it is not exactly an “act” he’s watching, is it? It’s literally just a still photo of a woman’s perfect bust!

Thoughts? I’m feeling very vulnerable. I’ve no issues with regular porn vids but this seems too much.

[Humanswarm]

You are absolutely in your rights to feel as you do. It doesn't make you feel comfortable. Are you able to have a good talk and explain how it makes you feel? Not just, I don't like that you're doing this, but why, how it impacts you. His response will be more telling I feel than the porn itself. If he grasps your discomfort, he'll cease, if he doesn't then he'll continue and you'll know where you stand in terms if the level of respect for you.

[IntoTheMild]

This would cross the line for me too and has happened to me also! When I was pregnant, DH and I were using his phone to buy baby stuff and I was screenshotting stuff I liked - when I checked the screenshots there were saved pictures of other woman there/porn screenshots etc. I also have seen he has favourited cam girls as well. I told him the phone thing made me feel like rubbish, pregnancy takes a massive toll on your body and I would never have images of buff men I fancied saved to my phone. He apologised and I haven’t seen any saved since but I know he still watches porn. I don’t think the wedge it drew has ever fully recovered, as we have sex about once every two months now and I find it hard not to hate him. Sorry no advice, just solidarity really. It sucks. You just had his baby ffs

[CaterhamReconstituted]

I have an uncertain opinion about porn. On the one hand it’s a free country and men have the right to watch any legal material they want to. On the other hand, I find it quite disgusting and degrading. I guess - I can live with it if I don’t know about it. Cam girls seems a bit over-invested though. Is this an addiction? Images of “perfect” models seems disrespectful but maybe it’s such a fantasy that it’s “safe”. If he was fantasising over Julie from work that would be worse.

[Ladyprehensile]

This discovery is so undermining and unsupportive for you.

You are very emotionally vulnerable at present so don’t make any knee jerk reactions.

Stay calm and tread water for a bit until you’ve properly considered all the issues and ways forward and can have a cogent discussion with him about what to do next either together or apart.

I hope all works out between you and let’s face it, in time, with a bit of self care, you will give any cam girl a run for her money. You go girl!

[Howtogoaboutthis]

Thanks for the replies.

Honestly at this point in time even the thought of sex with him makes me feel physically sick, and I’ve stopped breastfeeding in front of him because I can’t stand him seeing that part of me now. I feel totally repulsive.

Truth be told we’ve argued about this non stop since I discovered this and I’ve cried many, many tears.

[Howtogoaboutthis]

@IntoTheMild

This would cross the line for me too and has happened to me also! When I was pregnant, DH and I were using his phone to buy baby stuff and I was screenshotting stuff I liked - when I checked the screenshots there were saved pictures of other woman there/porn screenshots etc. I also have seen he has favourited cam girls as well. I told him the phone thing made me feel like rubbish, pregnancy takes a massive toll on your body and I would never have images of buff men I fancied saved to my phone. He apologised and I haven’t seen any saved since but I know he still watches porn. I don’t think the wedge it drew has ever fully recovered, as we have sex about once every two months now and I find it hard not to hate him. Sorry no advice, just solidarity really. It sucks. You just had his baby ffs

Sorry this happened to you too.

He’s trying to normalise it however other things have transpired since which have fuelled the fire. He’s admitted to paying for 3 one off OF girl subscriptions when drunk a year ago (when I would have been in early pregnancy!)

He only admitted it because I was adamant I wanted to see his bank statements as I didn’t believe he hadn’t tipped/interacted with the cam girls. Once he told me about the OF thing he was happy for me to look through, but he has changed his phone password. He says he can’t trust me with it anymore and won’t be able to talk openly with his friends as I’ll take everything the wrong way. Doesn’t exactly scream “not guilty”

[LittleSunDriedTomatoe]

What else is he hiding ?

Maybe you should check the messages on the phone , mind you could already be deleted.

Is interaction with cam girls cheating ? its more than just porn watching.

[baileybrosbuildingandloan]

OP he is awful.

Awful.

You have given birth and are nurturing and feeding your child. He's gawping at young girls on live webcams.

When someone shows you who they are, believe them.

You deserve better.

[Mummame2222]

Cam girls isn’t porn. It’s cheating. I would never get over this. I don’t generally care about DP watching a bit of porn but the level at which your DH enjoys it would disgust me and it would be over.

[Howtogoaboutthis]

i am disgusted and wish I was strong enough to leave him. I know it is the right thing to do, but we have been together 10 years and have the two children, 4 and 3 months. Four year old adores their dad and is even upset when he leaves for work daily. I couldn’t do it to him.

[CaterhamReconstituted]

@Mummame2222

Cam girls isn’t porn. It’s cheating. I would never get over this. I don’t generally care about DP watching a bit of porn but the level at which your DH enjoys it would disgust me and it would be over.

It’s not a very good look at all - to put it mildly - but it’s hyperbolic to call it cheating. But it’s quite filthy yes. It would be hard to look at him in the same way again.

[Howtogoaboutthis]

@LittleSunDriedTomatoe

What else is he hiding ?

Maybe you should check the messages on the phone , mind you could already be deleted.

Is interaction with cam girls cheating ? its more than just porn watching.

I did check some. Nothing untoward, but like you say… could have been deleted.

[Mummame2222]

@CaterhamReconstituted

It’s not a very good look at all - to put it mildly - but it’s hyperbolic to call it cheating. But it’s quite filthy yes. It would be hard to look at him in the same way again.

Edited

I completely and totally disagree with you! It’s personal interaction of a sexual nature!! It’s not watching a pre recorded movie. He has input and is a clearly a full participant in the event. It’s is definitely cheating.

[CaterhamReconstituted]

@Mummame2222

I completely and totally disagree with you! It’s personal interaction of a sexual nature!! It’s not watching a pre recorded movie. He has input and is a clearly a full participant in the event. It’s is definitely cheating.

But it’s not in person. There’s no bodily contact between them. Anyway, we’re dancing on a pinhead here as we agree on the fundamentals. Whether it’s cheating or not, it’s pretty awful.

[Howtogoaboutthis]

@Mummame2222

I completely and totally disagree with you! It’s personal interaction of a sexual nature!! It’s not watching a pre recorded movie. He has input and is a clearly a full participant in the event. It’s is definitely cheating.

He swears blind he has never paid or interacted, just watches. He did however have an account, which you need to chat/tip. He claims this was required in order to keep viewing different girls pages, as there’s a limit without an account.

[Mummame2222]

@Howtogoaboutthis

He swears blind he has never paid or interacted, just watches. He did however have an account, which you need to chat/tip. He claims this was required in order to keep viewing different girls pages, as there’s a limit without an account.

Do you believe him? I really wouldn’t.

[Howtogoaboutthis]

@Mummame2222

Do you believe him? I really wouldn’t.

No

[Mummame2222]

@CaterhamReconstituted

But it’s not in person. There’s no bodily contact between them. Anyway, we’re dancing on a pinhead here as we agree on the fundamentals. Whether it’s cheating or not, it’s pretty awful.

Oh gosh. Yes, we’ll have to agree to disagree on this one.

[Naunet]

I honestly think you should leave him, he can still be a parent, but the way he is minimising this and almost blaming you, is disgusting. If you’re going to insist on staying, I’d at least give him a taste of his own medicine in the hope it would get him to see things from your point of view.

[Fenimore]

Tough one.

i honestly think most men look at porn. Women swear their partners don’t but it’s everywhere. Hard to avoid. I don’t like it but i actually now prefer not to know.

cam girls seems a step too far though.

[Naunet]

@CaterhamReconstituted

I have an uncertain opinion about porn. On the one hand it’s a free country and men have the right to watch any legal material they want to. On the other hand, I find it quite disgusting and degrading. I guess - I can live with it if I don’t know about it. Cam girls seems a bit over-invested though. Is this an addiction? Images of “perfect” models seems disrespectful but maybe it’s such a fantasy that it’s “safe”. If he was fantasising over Julie from work that would be worse.

I have an uncertain opinion about porn. On the one hand it’s a free country and men have the right to watch any legal material they want to

It doesn’t mean women have to accept it in their relationships though. We also have a right to have sex with anyone who consents, but that doesn’t tend to fly once you’re in a relationship!

[CaterhamReconstituted]

@Naunet

I have an uncertain opinion about porn. On the one hand it’s a free country and men have the right to watch any legal material they want to

It doesn’t mean women have to accept it in their relationships though. We also have a right to have sex with anyone who consents, but that doesn’t tend to fly once you’re in a relationship!

Surely not a valid comparison. If you are in an established monogamous relationship then having sex with someone else is clearly forbidden, morally if not legally. Consuming porn may be unwholesome but it is not morally unacceptable in the same way. The affair/no affair boundary seems clear to me - I don’t think a sex/individual masturbation boundary exists though.

[Howtogoaboutthis]

I suspect I have BPD so I’ve been quite triggered overall and have said some horrible things during our arguing, because he doesn’t reassure me.

However, he has now spoken to a few of his bloke mates who have told him that it’s totally normal to watch cam girls and pay for only fans and all men have done it! Apparently we should h just talked about it and moved on.

[CaterhamReconstituted]

@Howtogoaboutthis

I suspect I have BPD so I’ve been quite triggered overall and have said some horrible things during our arguing, because he doesn’t reassure me.

However, he has now spoken to a few of his bloke mates who have told him that it’s totally normal to watch cam girls and pay for only fans and all men have done it! Apparently we should h just talked about it and moved on.

His mates are backing him up. There’s a surprise. I don’t think watching and paying for cam girls is all that normal or common actually.

[Howtogoaboutthis]

@CaterhamReconstituted

His mates are backing him up. There’s a surprise. I don’t think watching and paying for cam girls is all that normal or common actually.

They are married with their own young children too!