Partners porn habits

[Howtogoaboutthis]

I am 3 months postpartum with our second, and have just discovered DP watches cam girls (and has bookmarked a couple favourites) every other day, alongside some regular porn. I have also discovered he has some upper body lingerie shots saved of girls with pert C cups at a maximum, unlike myself having gained 2 stone in my last pregnancy and now a saggy DD and breastfeeding.

Sorry, but how do I feel ok about this? The cam girl thing is too much, as are the images saved on the phone. DP claims it’s no different to old school porn mags/page 3, BUT… they couldn’t look further from me and it is not exactly an “act” he’s watching, is it? It’s literally just a still photo of a woman’s perfect bust!

Thoughts? I’m feeling very vulnerable. I’ve no issues with regular porn vids but this seems too much.

There is no line with porn

I respectfully disagree.

People can watch ethical porn or porn by big studios that are sometimes owned by actresses, or some actresses have their own studio/production, or amateurs who are happy/have a fetish for uploading their own videos, or solo males etc who enjoy uploading videos of themselves.

They can draw the line at that... Pre recorded videos by professional.or amateur strangers. No interaction, not live, no purchases (though most porn sites will have sponsors etc).

They don't have to go on live, interactive sites. They don't have to browse and contact only fans sex workers and buy their content.

It's a step beyond and you only need half a brain cell to see that. People who claim they can't see that are imho being dishonest because it's in their interest to play dumb.

He's not an amazing father
He's treating the mother of his children very badly

And so what if he's kind to others? He should be kind to YOU

@Xenoi24 He would, yes. Through out all of this when threatening to leave he’d harp on about wanting 50/50.

It’s my eldest I’m worried about. He absolutely dotes on his dad and I feel it’d affect him terribly.

I don’t feel I can make any decisions at the moment, even though I know I will end up hurt over the same thing a few months down the line!

I just got upset again after looking up one of the cam girls he’s bookmarked. Complete opposite body type to me, and apparently I have “severe body image issues” and that’s why I’m so upset about all of this.

Start bookmarking family solicitors.

I don't mind my DH watching some porn videos now and again, or often if he really wants to, but I definitely wanting him to sign up and pay for specific cam girls or interaction.

OP I think you know this but I just want to say it really clearly just in case.

None of his behaviour is normal, typical, reasonable or acceptable.

Decent, good men do NOT act like this.

He may act like a good dad now to the kids but he will be teaching them this is OK, that you can buy womens body’s and you can manipulate and gaslight those who object. Being a good dad isn’t about bath times and getting up with the baby, it’s about being a role model and striving to be the best person you can be for them, so that they grow up the best versions of themselves.

If you have daughters then I weep for them and if you have boys then I weep even more.

This man isn’t a good dad and he isn’t a good partner. He isn’t a good person.

You might not feel you can leave now and might not for years but please PLEASE remember you don’t have to accept this as your life.

“Severe body image issues” jeeze ask him how he would feel if he grew and feed two kids while you remained unchanged and got off to hot muscly men.

I wouldn’t bother asking him anything. He’ll just turn it around on you and find a way to make you feel worse about yourself. You can’t reason with someone like that. He has no respect for you.

He cheated with an ex and isn’t remorseful about cheating on you. His attitude to your upset is appalling.

However you are now joining the dots and seeing him for who he really is. The real man is appearing from behind the family man mask. Unless he seriously gets his act together you are likely to slowly fall out of love with him. Read cheating in a nutshell.

He is a serial liar. Lies about drinks when working. Lies about his friends. His nights out. His habits.

I doubt he will have enough about him to become a safe partner. This is all him, it’s not you.

Someone up thread said it’s not in person so it’s not cheating. So online affairs. Sending your colleague nude pics of yourself. Sending your husbands brother or best mate nude pics or masturbating on camera for him isn’t cheating - really? Is that because money hasn’t changed hands? Is it the money or the fact he isn’t touching your skin that makes it acceptable?

He knows it’s not acceptable that is why he hid it.

Cheating causes ptsd in some victims - your reaction is a normal trauma reaction.

Also if I paid a man to masturbate on camera for me when I was pissed out of my head and it was something really out of character that I only did due to the alcohol surely I’d get help as soon as I sobered up. That’s a sure sign I need help as I’m now acting in a way that is totally out of character. Instead he chose to do it two more times (at least). I certainly wouldn’t put myself back in that position again if I was unhappy with my choice and unable to control my behaviour after a drink. He is using alcohol as an excuse. It’s pathetic. He isn’t even owning his choices.

He’s thrashing around like a worm on a hook blaming booze, you, inability to sleep, boring porn. No accountability. No honesty.

He chose to pay girls because he wanted to.

Im sorry about your past op - try reading ‘own your past, change your future’ by Delaney. And ‘the body keeps the score’ by Van Der Kolk. And ‘what happened to you’ by Oprah Winfrey. Mark Manson has some great podcasts and Brene Brown (try her ted talk).

The only gift you will get from this is healing you and your past. This will help your future. Grab it with both hands and heal you, do it for you. I wish you well.