Partners porn habits

[Howtogoaboutthis]

I am 3 months postpartum with our second, and have just discovered DP watches cam girls (and has bookmarked a couple favourites) every other day, alongside some regular porn. I have also discovered he has some upper body lingerie shots saved of girls with pert C cups at a maximum, unlike myself having gained 2 stone in my last pregnancy and now a saggy DD and breastfeeding.

Sorry, but how do I feel ok about this? The cam girl thing is too much, as are the images saved on the phone. DP claims it’s no different to old school porn mags/page 3, BUT… they couldn’t look further from me and it is not exactly an “act” he’s watching, is it? It’s literally just a still photo of a woman’s perfect bust!

Thoughts? I’m feeling very vulnerable. I’ve no issues with regular porn vids but this seems too much.

I will continue to be up every hour of the night feeding our baby and then looking after him and a 4 year old, and he will be living a the single life chasing after all these young women he so clearly desires.

I don't actually think he desires a single life. Like many of his ilk, I think he wants relationship/family life with whatever he fancies on the side . .and he in particular justifies it as it's not "cheating" because it's not in person or physical.

It's very hard but babies grow into toddlers and toddlers into kids and you'll have a school kid who you take to the movies. You could possibly move home, if he doesn't block it and the kids aren't settled anywhere, but you'd need legal advice.

He knows there would be world war.

He knows his mates would want to murder him.

He knows he can say his mates think it's normal, but they'll only say that in male hearing (whether they mean it or not). They'd never admit to it in front of their partners because their relationships would then be in your state.

We have always had issues with him going out out, because he doesn’t know how to say no and would often lie, saying he was on his way home and was in fact buying another round and turning off his phone. My insistence that he sticks to his word and doesn’t go out until 6 AM in the morning has made me “controlling” he says. He has tried shifting this situation back on to that argument instead hence why “he” needs to reconsider our relationship. I’m not “normal” and he has to lie to me to be able to “live a life.”

Op, this does not sound ok (!)

Was this before kids, or after.

(Even before kids, it's not ok but it's worse after).

You're not normal to not want your partner staying out drinking all night, and turning his phone off??

He's comes across as a horrendous gas lighter throughout this.

Is you questioning your (normal) reactions are the result of bpd "inspired" by him too.

He sounds like such a "lad" in the worst way.

The drinking.
The porn and cam sex and only fans.
The toxic masculinity friendship group.
The indifference, arrogance and cavalier-ness re his behaviour, your relationship ending etc.
The horrible, twisted "you're crazy, you're abnormal" narrative when challenged.

Btw you're only 35 op, you think you're old when you're 35 but you are not, seriously. It's young.

Ha, he is actually so far from being a typical “lad”, he’s a painter, a gentle soft soul!! Nobody would guess this.. apart from his ex’s. He cheated on the last one 4 times with 4 different women. He confessed this to me when we met, but said the relationship had been over for some time and he should have left.

When I remind him of this, he says it is not the same with me because I’m the only one he’s ever wanted a future and children with. Hahahahahah!

he will be living a the single life chasing after all these young women he so clearly desires

He paid for the only fans images and vids.
See how far he gets without paying.

He cheated on the last one 4 times with 4 different women

Cheated on his ex, using cam sex and looking up only fans workers in your area, buying only fans content .... You'd also wonder if he's been a good little boy on the nights he was drinking until 6am, and turning off his phone.

His mates and him seem to have rather cavalier attitudes towards fidelity and appropriate behaviour.

Your thinking when he told you his past seems to be typical "bad relationship, this is different, I'm different etc" occasionally that's true, mostly it's not.

No offence, but you had quite a few flags .... The going AWOL all night, the cheating on the ex ...but presumably went ahead with the kids; you're not the first and you won't be the last.

So what are you going to do about it OP?

How do you want your life to look five years from now?

Hahah well, on one occasion he went to London for work, told me he was “running for the train” at around 9PM. I didn’t hear from him until 6 AM the next morning when he walked through the door. Phone had been off the entire time.

To this day he swears that he got blind drunk, his phone died, he missed the last train, and slept in a park by the station.

No, I don’t believe him.

Sure, red flags were all there, but I have my own trauma and I guess I was desperate to believe he loved me and it would work.

I lost my own mum when I was 15 under very traumatic circumstances and life has been a struggle mentally ever since. I tolerate and accept things I shouldn’t, for fear of abandonment.

I'm so sorry to read that op.

From an outsider view (I know it's easy when it's not you) you're possibly inviting more trauma for yourself/in your life by doing that though.

He says his friends say that. It doesn't mean that they actually say that. Even if they do, it doesn't mean that you have to put up with it.

He's minimising and making you out to be the bad person. Look up DARVO.

Oh, and LTB.

TBH, if I was you, I’d just call his bluff and ask him to leave. I would be relieved. You’d see how much you don’t actually need him and your self esteem will rise.
This whole relationship sounds so toxic.

It's not really true that "most men" look at porn. People(men) say that, but most of the studies suggest not. About 57% of men age 18-39, and lower numbers in older age brackets. So thats a lot but very far from "almost all".

I think men have groomed women to accept porn because everyone does it, because they dont want us to realise that we could hold out for one of the 43% of men who don't.

Perhaps if women were less accepting of it and prepared to end relationships over it, fewer men would do it.

I think of all porn as a form of cheating. The poor OP's situation just shows how we end up splitting hairs if we try to accept "regular porn" because then men will just say " whats the difference between that and a cam girl?" And then from cam girl to strip club to lap dance.

It's not okay for men to do this and we shouldn't be afraid to demand better.

OP I'm sorry this is happening and for the shitty timing. But he's not sorry and he will keep doing this

Well he now claims he’s sorry, if he knew how much it’d affect me he wouldn’t have done it, OF was a “stupid mistake” and he won’t visit the cam sites anymore. He still doesn’t think it was cheating, never interacted with them and I can see the bank statements if I want. Honestly would not be surprised if I looked and found several transactions!!! “Oh yeah I forgot about that one time…. But that was the only time!”

I’ve said he needs to find a way to rebuild the trust but the idea of intimacy with him makes me nauseous, so if I can’t get the images of these girls out of my head then it’s over.

OP I really feel for you. You’re only 35 so you have time on your side. I made similar discoveries when I was in my 50s only he had taken it a step further. I was in absolute bits. I’d had my first suspicions years before this as I discovered he’d been logged on to swinging sites.
I totally understand how you’re feeling right now. You don’t need to rush to make any decisions. I chose to carry on with my marriage after the first discovery as I had children and I wasn’t in a good financial position. When I found proof he’d been paying for sex it took me a year (moved out of the bedroom immediately) to actually leave.
Whatever you do don’t think this is anything to do with you, it is not. He would have done this no matter who he was with. This is on him, not you and he is trying to gaslighting you into thinking you’re the problem. You may be able to get past this or many years down the line you may still mistrust him and leave. As another poster said, you haven’t wasted a decade as you had your precious children. He is not the man you thought he was and that is hard to process

The poor OP's situation just shows how we end up splitting hairs if we try to accept "regular porn" because then men will just say " whats the difference between that and a cam girl?" And then from cam girl to strip club to lap dance.

I agree in one way, but in another I think many people have a line. They appreciate the difference between pre recorded, professional porn ..& interactive porn, purchases, seeking local sex workers etc and don't cross it. They don't need told that or tiaught that, it's obvious to them.

If they don't have that line, the tempting thing to argue (and that they will usually argue) is that they were somehow clueless that the cams/purchases etc are different. I think in most cases that's a bit of a lie. In most cases they are the type to take the piss, they are dishonest, they are the type to push things.

(We already know op's p is that type from his previous behaviour that op has now described.

He has a history of serial cheating in his previous significant relationship (he wasn't happy, it was shit ...so, just finish it!), He has repeated incidents of going AWOL drinking with mates and turning his phone off and staying out all night - op relates that she doesn't believe his story about one overnight when he apparently slept on a bench, he's tried to gas light op that her reaction to this behaviour was abnormal and controlling, he's told her he doesn't want her checking his spending on those occasions. In a ft relationship with a baby on the way she's found him purchasing only fans videos & images and searching only fans workers in their area, she's now found out about the cam sex . She's crazy and ott in her reactions to all these things apparently. There's a bit of a pattern here (!))

Back on topic, there is a tiny chance I suppose (??) that in some cases it is due to real cluelessness, lack of empathy, lack of emotional intelligence, dumb-ness ...but even if that's true; who wants to be in a relationship with someone so lacking in empathy and emotional intelligence that they act inappropriately and hurt their partner.

I don't actually believe they can be that clueless though, I think they know what they're doing is not kosher, but they think they'll not get caught and if they do get caught they'll just roll out all the minimisation and blame and manipulation tactics that we've seen op's p so (and every partner on here).

Usually, if pushed they'll go for MH problems, sex addiction, depression, not getting enough "attention" etc.

They know they're doing wrong, they know it's not really right ... They don't clarify if it's ok with their partner for a reason; because they want to do it and feel entitled to do it.

There is no line with porn.
It would be a deal breaker but not for the reasons many have said.

The reasons porn is wrong is because there is no "happy sex worker" it's a myth.

A lot of these women and girls on porn hub are trafficked, and it's done without their consent or they are coerced due to their financial situation.

Any man using porn is a disgrace.
I hope you don't have daughters OP because I think I would vomit if you do at the complete dissonance he is showing.

I'd leave.

My dear I’ve no advise stay strong you are amazing sending a virtual hug

Well he now claims he’s sorry, if he knew how much it’d affect me he wouldn’t have done it, OF was a “stupid mistake” and he won’t visit the cam sites anymore

Ah so;

"All men do it, it's normal and you're unreasonable" didn't work.

(Was that maybe cause you suggested his mates say that publicly?)

"You're so unreasonable I'm thinking of leaving you" didn't work.

So he's finally offering an apology and saying he won't do it again.

Given everything you've touched on here (and there's probably more) I think it's worth considering your overall position. It doesn't have to be now, you have a lot on your plate with babies/very young kids

But maybe look into what the legal situation would be if you were to split and relocate to your family. The younger your kids are and the less settled in nurseries, schools etc. the easier that would probably be.

The citizens advice are usually good for advice.

They could also advise you on finances.

Keep in mind you can work a certain number of hours on universal credit, without it affecting it. And if you get UC, you get 85% of childcare paid, up to a cap.

It's tempting for you to think you've finally worked through all your problems and he'll be a good partner from now on. But the best indicator of future behaviour is often past behaviour. He's not been a good partner to date, has he.
And he probably thought you'll put up when than lot when you stayed in spite of the drinking and the AWOL overnight episode/s.

And I'd hazard a guess he sees you as manipulable/vulnerable because of your background trauma, your family being in another country (and you currently not working/being financially dependant and looking after his kids full-time etc.).

You can research and set yourself up to separate, whether you do it now or not.

OF was a “stupid mistake”

Doesn't he mean 3 "stupid mistakes".

🙄

I did suggest I speak to their wives for some advice on how to react more calmly in future, since they’re so experienced. Obviously he gets that if his mates are doing this too, their partners are non the wiser and wouldn’t be happy.

I don’t think he’s remorseful to he honest, but I don’t think he wants to lose his family. I don’t believe he’ll stay off the cam girls but I do be believe he won’t pay for OF again

He still maintains it was all just an “aid” before sleep as he was bored of regular porn, whereas this particular site is a stream of immediately available live action. I know what he’s referring to as I’ve obviously had a look. Anyway, he says I can look at his bank statements. Who knows.

"Bored of regular porn"

JFC OP. WTF did you marry? What an absolute disgrace of a man he is.
And don't minimise "normal" porn.
Many of the women and girls on porn hub are trafficked, are coerced or it's done without consent. Is that the man you want to be with?

I don’t believe he’ll stay off the cam girls

I don't mind my p watching porn but that would be a line crossed for me.

I don't think it's an unreasonable line for anyone.

If you don't think he'll stay off cam sex sites (which as a poster has suggested, he's probably minimising his involvement, because the sex industry is out to make money esp live like that) ... If you're stay you're being forced to accept behaviour that's unacceptable to you (and would be to many people).

I would agree from what you've related that he doesn't actually seem remorseful.

His character does not sound good for a life partner.

People can get caught up in technicalities and proof. Cheating - when it's stuff like this - can be debated all day. Technicalities can be debated all day. Proof can be sought and never found.
So it's pointless ... What matters is what is acceptable to you (and I don't think you're unreasonable in what you find acceptable ... I don't think most people would think you're unreasonable) what is making you happy or not, what is making you stable or not, what is causing you stress or not, what is hampering you being the best you can be in all aspects of your life or not.

Whether you think his behaviour is reasonable, decent, acceptable.

It's hard to assess that for yourself sometimes; I find the easiest way to assess it is to ask yourself what you'd think of it was your sister or friend who was on the receiving end of the behaviour. What you'd think of their relationship, what you'd think of him as a partner.

You can end a relationship for any reason you want. That's your right. You could end it because you didn't fancy him anymore, your feelings changed etc. That's anybody's right.

People get caught up in justifying their reasons for ending a relationship but you can end it for any reason you want, there is no court judging it, nobody actually cares, there will be a wee bit of gossip/discussion and then people move on quickly and are absorbed in their own lives. This is your life and you have the right to the decisions in it.

I did suggest I speak to their wives for some advice on how to react more calmly in future, since they’re so experienced.

Lol.

You called his bluff.

Also seems like he saw him bluffing about leaving you wasn't working as well as he thought it would either, so you've got an apology and promises.

The fact that he's behaving the way he is in the first place, and then behaves likes this when caught/challenged (gas lighting, essentially threatening to leave you, making out you're the problem .....).

He's a bit of cretin and a bit of a bastard.

Do you think he's good enough (or smart enough) for you?

You might have a happier, more chilled life single (you can always date and see what's out there, depending on childcare ...and if he's a good father, he'll have them regularly, right?).