Partners porn habits

[Howtogoaboutthis]

I am 3 months postpartum with our second, and have just discovered DP watches cam girls (and has bookmarked a couple favourites) every other day, alongside some regular porn. I have also discovered he has some upper body lingerie shots saved of girls with pert C cups at a maximum, unlike myself having gained 2 stone in my last pregnancy and now a saggy DD and breastfeeding.

Sorry, but how do I feel ok about this? The cam girl thing is too much, as are the images saved on the phone. DP claims it’s no different to old school porn mags/page 3, BUT… they couldn’t look further from me and it is not exactly an “act” he’s watching, is it? It’s literally just a still photo of a woman’s perfect bust!

Thoughts? I’m feeling very vulnerable. I’ve no issues with regular porn vids but this seems too much.

no one deserves to be screamed at and threatened with losing their kids

If my h had done what he's done and then behaved the way op's h has done when she found out, I think i'd have threatened to leave him too.

And no-one has to be calm and quiet and collected when they find out about very hurtful, disrespectful, inappropriate behaviour. Noone is a robot.

You can expect reactions like this when you treat people that way

Because clearly the OP's DH does not find these types of porn upsetting, and therefore has no need to lay down boundaries regarding them or have discussions about using them beforehand.

that is abusive and not appropriate, especially with a child present

If it's abuse, it's reactive abuse.

His behaviour, both the cam sex, the only fans purchases, the searching out local only fans sex workers etc ... And his stone walling and gas lighting of her when she raised it with him; are abusive.

There is a post above that encapsulates this situation perfectly.
What fucking world are we letting men like him create by telling a woman she must set boundaries around interactive porn -at all, let alone when he keeps his interactive porn habits secret from her? What kind of world - in which we criticise her for being angry and upset and threatening to leave him when she discovers his activities and he gas lights and stone walls her about it.

And then the piece de resistance...accusing her of being an abuser.

There's one abuser here and it's not the op

I find your post pretty reprehensible.

Yeah, that's why he didn't discuss or agree it beforehand lol.

And it's not about what he finds acceptable or upsetting (which he's bull shitting about anyway and has conveniently not been tested on) .... He's not in a relationship with himself, is he?!

Well at least you seem to be acknowledging that if someone has an issue with an idea or a hypothetical, in a sane world the onus falls entirely upon them to voice it.

I was beginning to wonder.

He's only said he'd have no problem with her doing similar after he's been caught, he knows she'd probably never do it (and even if she did, he probably thinks it would be a trade for not getting turfed out on his arse). And it would solidify his position for doing more.

And if he was so sure it was acceptable, how come he never mentioned a word of it, including his "drunken" only fans purchases to his intimate life partner whom he probably spends nearly 24 hours a day with. Isn't that the sort of thing ; if you thought it was totally acceptable and normal, that you might ruefully mention to your life partner.

But he kept the whole thing under wraps and omitted to have any discussion on the subject of what was acceptable for them to do. Funny that.

I don't know if some posters on this thread are greener than fresh cut grass or just arguing a silly point for the sake of it.

Did his mates actually say to you by phone or in person that all men do these things? Or was it your husband relaying this to you? When I say to my husband that people on here say all men with porn etc he says but that is bollocks. Honestly I know you say you can't leave because of the effect on your children but say in five years time when you are feeling much worse about this your children will likely be worrying about you which is just as upsetting.

And if he was so sure it was acceptable, how come he never mentioned a word of it, including his "drunken" only fans purchases to his intimate life partner whom he probably spends nearly 24 hours a day with. Isn't that the sort of thing ; if you thought it was totally acceptable and normal, that you might ruefully mention to your life partner

Well I don't know about you, but no, I'm not in the habit of casually discussing with my partner my masturbatory habits, what I fantasise about, or asking for their validation of things that I personal consider perfectly reasonable and acceptable, and which I don't consider to be any of their business in the first place. No.

But then I don't expect you to comprehend this, because you've already repeatedly declared that you can't grasp that different people have different boundaries and personal ideas, while, oddly enough, talking in absolute terms but using phrases like "majority of people" and "majority agreement". Just for clarity, majority and entirety are two wholly different concepts.

Would make for interesting dinner table chat I suppose, but again, my partner's masturbatory habits and/or porn use are absolutely none of my business, and mine none of theirs, so it's not a discussion I would ever expect to have.

Do your "habits" involve other people - live?
And contacting other people for explicit images?
And paying for them?

OP. You deserve better.

majority and entirety are two wholly different concepts

But they're close.

And majority matters.

The majority of people agree on appropriate behaviour in a monogamous relationship.

Jesus wept.

50.01% is a majority.

100% is entirety.

Not remotely "close".

It was meant colloquially, not "electorally" lol.

Why don't you answer if your masturbatory habits involve other people (live on cam) and buying images & videos from other people.. Instead of debating pedantics.

Anyway if ops h truly believes there's nothing wrong with his only fans and cam sex activities, and he'd be happy for her to do similar (funny he never mentioned that before he got caught) ...he needs to find a woman who behaves like that and is happy for him to behave like that.

Good luck to him in that search.

I have a feeling he wouldn't actually be very happy in a relationship like that.

And he needed to tell the op about his views before his activities, not after.

In any case, I think he's lying about believing it would be acceptable (a common lie in circumstances like this, they often play dumb), he's lying about his mates saying it's normal and all men do it, and he's probably lying about being ok with the op doing similar herself too.

Now he's also probably lying about considering leaving her because her reaction to finding out about his activities wasn't as calm and quiet and rational as he'd prefer . ...he just wants to get her scared, anxious, on the back foot and begging him not to leave.

All towards a woman caring full-time for two young children of his.

Despicable.

I’ve no idea where to go from here. At the moment, he is “thinking about whether he wants this relationship or not.” Even though yesterday, he joked that he was obviously still attracted to me because he was “aroused” in the car on the way home when I was giving him examples of things I could have done that would have hurt him emotionally! He then suggested we go at it! I did not accept the offer, funnily enough.

I’m absolutely broken. Every action is a struggle. I don’t want to eat, because I want to lose the postpartum weight even faster now. I’m struggling to find the motivation to look after everything. Just back from an adventure park with the 2 kids on my own and absolutely drained, all I can see are the images of these young women, so far from myself, a haggered 35 year old mum of two. Tears in my eyes driving back.

This guy has no clue.

He comes back from work so he can “help with the kids”, and we either don’t exchange words, or we argue. This can go on for weeks. What do I do?

this morning I awoke to the dishes done, kitchen cleaned and a wash on. I’m not sure he’s ever put a wash on in this house before. Is this supposed to be fixing things? Because it’s just winding me up.

You make an appointment at a solicitor and see what the options are. And then quietly make arrangements and imagine a life where you don’t have to put up with this sex pest low rent sleazy shit.

Don’t let him know until it’s a fait accompli. Please op, you are worth so much more than this.

We’re not married. He will move out if I ask. He has already said that.

He’s backing me in to a corner. Either shut up and put up, or he leaves. He will have the kids 50/50. And I’ve wasted a decade of my life.

This would be superb 😂

@Bumblebeestiltskin Lol, DP would never talk to me again. When I suggested we ask their wives what they think he said he wasn’t going to do that because he wouldn’t wish “this” on them.

This is how our typical conversation goes and it’s driving me insane.

Me - “You’ve PAID for explicit images from other girls just like me and you’re obsessively watching cam girls and bookmarking your favourites to revisit, it’s cheating.”

Him - “It’s not cheating”

Me - “It IS cheating”

Him - “It’s not cheating but ok.”

Me - “I hate you for what you’ve done to me and how you’ve made me feel.”

Him - “Ok, I’ll move out.”

wtf??? If this was me I’d be moving mountains to save my family but this guys just doesn’t care. It’s so unfair. I will continue to be up every hour of the night feeding our baby and then looking after him and a 4 year old, and he will be living a the single life chasing after all these young women he so clearly desires.

If you separate, you've not wasted a decade of your life.

Would you undo your kids? I'm sure not.

You said he's an ok Dad towards them (ie you could have had them with worse, like many women have).

It doesn't actually matters if it is technically cheating or not.

It's inappropriate behaviour and behaviour that would make most people very angry and hurt and embittered.

He's acted inappropriately and poorly, whether someone defines it as cheating or not.

He's involved live "real" people in his masturbation activities.

He's either trying to scare you into backing down and letting it go or hrs just thinking "this can't be solved, so I'll go".

He's conveniently minimising and overlooking his behaviour that created the situation though.

If this was me I’d be moving mountains to save my family but this guys just doesn’t care

Throughout the thread he's come across as massively lacking empathy and being selfish.

Yeah, I mean all this women stuff is only a part of the picture too.

Yesterday he said he doesn’t want me going through his bank statements because I’ll be cross checking them against our texts, and if there’s a transaction in the pub when he said he was working, I’ll kick off!

So god knows what he’s actually up to when he’s at work. We have always had issues with him going out out, because he doesn’t know how to say no and would often lie, saying he was on his way home and was in fact buying another round and turning off his phone. My insistence that he sticks to his word and doesn’t go out until 6 AM in the morning has made me “controlling” he says. He has tried shifting this situation back on to that argument instead hence why “he” needs to reconsider our relationship. I’m not “normal” and he has to lie to me to be able to “live a life.”