Partners porn habits

[Howtogoaboutthis]

I am 3 months postpartum with our second, and have just discovered DP watches cam girls (and has bookmarked a couple favourites) every other day, alongside some regular porn. I have also discovered he has some upper body lingerie shots saved of girls with pert C cups at a maximum, unlike myself having gained 2 stone in my last pregnancy and now a saggy DD and breastfeeding.

Sorry, but how do I feel ok about this? The cam girl thing is too much, as are the images saved on the phone. DP claims it’s no different to old school porn mags/page 3, BUT… they couldn’t look further from me and it is not exactly an “act” he’s watching, is it? It’s literally just a still photo of a woman’s perfect bust!

Thoughts? I’m feeling very vulnerable. I’ve no issues with regular porn vids but this seems too much.

People have different boundaries.

Prevalent attitude on MN is that porn in a relationship is not ok, then there are others who tolerate it, but with limitations.

Other people take the view that it's none of their business what they're partner looks at and they have no right to even attempt to police it, which, of course, works both ways.

Personally I wouldn't tolerate any attempt by a partner to tell me what I can or can not watch, and I would not tolerate demands to see phones and so on which MN also seems to think is perfectly reasonable, but those are my boundaries in a relationship and they are no less valid than anyone else's.

It's why I am always bemused at the "he wouldn't like it if you looked at pictures of men" thing, because far from being a "gotcha", I think if that was acted upon all that would happen is a huge number of people would get an almighty shock that their partners have significantly different personal boundaries.

I'm always astonished by just how far MN'ers are prepared to tolerate and pander to jealousy and insecurity in a relationship, which is exactly where a lot of this policing behaviour stems from, and also just how much of it is excused and accepted as perfectly normal. It isn't, it's extremely toxic.

Anyway the bar for being a good father in our society is sadly, laughably low.

We still seem to be viewing them in the context of the 1950s.

They get credit for stuff that the Mum gets no credit for... Regardless of who is working what hours.

And I'm astonished that you consider this to be about jealousy or insecurity.

It's very clearly not.

The poster's h behaviour is inappropriate (that's putting it mildly) and her boundaries are very average, I'd say.

People have different boundaries.

Not really.

The vast majority of people's boundaries are very similar.

Op should not be blocking sites .... But only because she shouldn't have to.

It would be better to end a relationship then be blocking sites on your household internet connection.. because your h is a cam sex user and only fans user etc.

I’m quite old and cynical in life but this thread has made me feel emotional for you op. You describe yourself and your breastfeeding body as ‘disgusting’ and you are tying yourself in knots to be understanding of his situation and saying what a good dad he is.

Let me tell you that the only thing that is disgusting is him. His pathological and pathetic need for this when you’ve just had his baby and he is lucky enough to have a beautiful young family and devoted wife. I could weep for you having such a low life piece of pervy cheating lying scum as a partner.

Let me tell you what is ‘beautiful’. Loving mothers with cuddly bodies that bear the scars of maternal devotion. The bond between a mother and child. Tough women who won’t let men objectify and disrespect them. Natural bodies of real women who live real lives. Double D breasts that nourish a family.

You are beautiful OP. He is bringing the toxic ugliness into your family. Cut him free to wank himself silly over fantasy women and find someone worthy of you.

It's why I am always bemused at the "he wouldn't like it if you looked at pictures of men" thing, because far from being a "gotcha"

Its actually very much a gotcha.

See how most men like this react to their partner acting in a similar way to them re. the sex industry. The double standard is stratospheric.

And the double standard is, of course, obscured by deceit at every juncture. Another piece of toxic masculinity in practice.

I would consider looking at porn cheating. For me, a relationship means you're in love with and attracted to one another exclusively. I get that some people don't feel that way, but, misogyny and the extremely harmful effects of porn on society aside, it's not ok to say it's an exaggeration to call it cheating. Unless you have a relationship where the agreed boundaries allow it, it is cheating.

I'm not making any judgement about this particular OP's motivations. My point is a general one, prompted by the fact that the poster you responded to appears to have similar personal boundaries and views to my own, and you immediately decried them as

That poster is a troll, a (stupid) bloke or has a bar fleas couldn't limbo dance under

I'm neither a troll nor a bloke, and I also have a reasonably high bar for what I'll accept in a relationship, it's just different to prevalent MN attitude on this particular matter.

The vast majority of people's boundaries are very similar

Mumsnet is an echo chamber where expressing any sort of view that differs from those permitted sees you rounded upon and labelled a "cool wife", "pick-me girl", or some other banality, but thankfully in the real world people seem to be more aware and accepting of the fact that boundaries and morality is a case of shades of grey, not just black and white.

I also have a reasonably high bar for what I'll accept in a relationship, it's just different to prevalent MN attitude on this particular matter.

You have a low bar. Tell yourself whatever you need to.

It's in no way a "gotcha" when you actually try that, it turns out that your partner is completely unbothered or will actually encourage it, and you are left looking and feeling like an absolute lemon.

I have a "low bar" because I won't pander to toxic, controlling behaviours?

Right you are...

Mumsnet is an echo chamber

I don't take MN as the only barometer of typical boundaries.....who does?

This is not behaviour most people would accept.

This isn't controlling behaviour.

The h's behaviour is toxic however.

A "good dad" doesn't watch porn yet alone play with cam girls while his OH is breastfeeding their child. A good person doesn't go out of their way to participate in and promote misogynistic practices, patriarchy, sexism and inequality, nor to objectify women. A good dad certainly never, ever does such things. This is because he doesn't want to model misogyny to his children, nor does he want to help create a misogynistic, patriarchal and unequal world for his children. What he wants to to devote his life to making the world a good, safe and happy place for his children.

And that starts at home. A good dad would be going out of his way to support his partner and children. Not going out of his way to hurt and gaslight you, OP. He isn't worthy of you. Or of any woman.

But they don't, 99.9% of the time.

And I bet you ops h wouldn't if she actually did it either.

(Anyway she'd only be stooping to his level.
And doing things she's not interested in or inclined to do; because of his porn hound, sleazy behaviour).

boundaries and morality is a case of shades of grey, not just black and white.

No, most people have lines they don't cross.

Like sexual interaction with the opposite sex, even if not in person.

There are no greys there. Decent people don't need told that and don't have any blurry boundaries around it.

I've had several men state that quite simply themselves (colleagues etc).
The decent-er ones.

She wouldn't quite be stooping to his level, because we live in a patriarchy and the objectification of women's bodies is part of a far-reaching, wider sociopolitical context with a myriad of devastating, harmful consequences for women and children, ranging from day to day misogynistic attitudes (with immense psychological effects that extend to influence career, family and life choices, and legal inequalities to exploitation, oppression and abuse.

Objectifying men's bodies might not be nice either, but it really doesn't have the same context or effects.

True.

But in any case she'd still be doing something she's not interested in or inclined to, just to try to even things up with someone whose behaviour is inappropriate. Also she'd only be doing it after he's acted that way, without her agreement.

No, most people have lines they don't cross.

Those lines vary from individual to individual, which is precisely why there is no black and white. What you may or may not tolerate can be entirely different to what the next person will, and neither is wrong.

This isn't controlling behaviour

In your opinion, based on your personal morality and your personal boundaries.

Mine are evidently different to yours, and I am of the same mind as the poster you rounded upon when they expressed feeling uncomfortable at the thought of policing their partner's personal liberties.

He has actually stated that paying for the only fans girls is not the same as paying for a sex act. As far as I’m concerned, he paid 3 independent women, just like myself, for their explicit photos and videos. how is that not cheating??

Those lines vary from individual to individual

Nope, there are widely, commonly held lines that the majority of people agree on and subscribe to.

If they don't subscribe to them at any point (in practice), they know they are acting poorly/inappropriately.

Same principle that laws are based on; majority agreement on what is appropriate/criminal/immoral etc.

There are always commonly agreed to lines/boundaries. Especially in coupling - a very very old established "contract". Sexual interaction with others had always been a no-no in monogamous relationships. Men like ops h think they'll now hoodwink women by saying it's not in person. Nice try.

Sending family money on that interaction is another level.

Not sure why you are having such trouble acknowledging self evident facts.

If you're OK with him using porn in general I don't think it's helpful to get fixated on the 'those girls had perkier boobs than me' part of it. That's just what porn workers look like and I don't think you should try and dictate the 'type' of aesthetic he watches (so long as its legal and within the bounds of 'normal' whatever that means to you!)

If certain types of interactive porn are upsetting for you then it's reasonable to set a boundary but calmly and clearly, no one deserves to be screamed at and threatened with losing their kids during an argument, that is abusive and not appropriate, especially with a child present.

You're paying for sexual content.
And you're interacting on a personal level for it.

He's full of shit about a lot of stuff.

Have you asked him to arrange the group WhatsApp call where his mates confirm that this is normal behaviour for all men, with their partners present.

Have you asked him to tell his family members that he's thinking of leaving you because you're unreasonable in your reactions to his only fans and cam sex activities. When's he going to tell them how badly you're treating him, how unreasonable you're acting?

Honestly I don't know if your h is totally delusional or an absolute piece of work, chancer ...or both.

Probably a bit of both ... These people tend to convince themselves, that's why they can be convincing.

If certain types of interactive porn are upsetting for you then it's reasonable to set a boundary but calmly and clearly

Why did op's h not do so them, before using them behind op's back and "forgetting" to tell her.

He said he assumed she'd have no problem with it (after he was found out) but that's not a reasonable assumption.
And he only claimed that after being caught.