Partners porn habits

[Howtogoaboutthis]

I am 3 months postpartum with our second, and have just discovered DP watches cam girls (and has bookmarked a couple favourites) every other day, alongside some regular porn. I have also discovered he has some upper body lingerie shots saved of girls with pert C cups at a maximum, unlike myself having gained 2 stone in my last pregnancy and now a saggy DD and breastfeeding.

Sorry, but how do I feel ok about this? The cam girl thing is too much, as are the images saved on the phone. DP claims it’s no different to old school porn mags/page 3, BUT… they couldn’t look further from me and it is not exactly an “act” he’s watching, is it? It’s literally just a still photo of a woman’s perfect bust!

Thoughts? I’m feeling very vulnerable. I’ve no issues with regular porn vids but this seems too much.

Your husband would not be in the good books with his friends

He is one fucking piece of work.

Let him see how calm and rational and sit down his discussions are with any future partner when he goes on cam sex and buys only fans content of other women ( which he conveniently presumed they'd be ok with, bit forgot to mention). Funny how he didn't think to mention doing a drunken "mistake" that involved spending family money afterwards.

As I said ... He's in cloud cuckoo land.

Or extremely manipulative.

however, since talking to his friends his tune is changing and he seems FAR more sure that it is “normal” and I am just crazy

Ah,, if his mates think this is acceptable behaviour in a relationship, their partners all must know they do this .... Right?

You can confirm that by WhatsApp etc.

I mean, why wouldn't you. If his mates are giving him feedback and advice. They are getting involved in your relationship issues. So it would be perfectly reasonable for you to ask them to reiterate their opinions on your relationship issues in hearing of their partners.

So sorry you’re feeling like this 😞

I think the main issue isn’t whether he watches a form of porn, it’s the fact you feel undermined and feel like he doesn’t fancy you anymore.

I’m not sure how to word this, but it’s the difference between watching the “act of sex” on a porn site to aid arousal, and watching a specific girl so as to be aroused BY HER if that makes sense.

From what you’ve put it’s that distinction that’s (understandably) upsetting you. It makes you feel like you’re not good enough if he needs these “other women”.

I’m not sure that’s something you can get fully past sadly. I felt the same with my ex who could never stop texting his ex about how beautiful she was 🙄

More gas lighting and manipulation.

If he thinks he'll find a woman who reacts calmly and constructively to finding out he's been going on cam sex sites and has bought images/videos of women on only fans - with no prior discussion/agreement - at all, let alone while she's pregnant and later breast feeding his baby to boot ..... He's fucking delusional.

But I don't think he's that delusional (or if he is, he's lacking empathy to a sociopathic degree).

I think he's just trying to manipulate you, make you anxious, get control, be in power in this situation etc.

He wants you examining yourself, doubting yourself, criticising yourself etc.

He wants you begging him not to leave you and your kids.

That gets things nicely back on the footing he wants things on, with him in control.

As I said, he's a piece of work, and he needs his bluff called. I'd like to see his reaction if you say he can leave, and when is he having the kids. I totally understand why you'd feel you can't though.

I'd like to see him explain to his parents, family etc that he left you because you didn't have a calm enough reaction to finding out he goes on live cam sex sites and was buying explicit pictures of other women on only fans.

Except he won't tell anyone that's why he left . . because he knows exactly how it looks and sounds. He'll lie and lie by omission.

If he's so certain he's reasonable, why would that be

@ZetuianRose It’s absolutely this. He had saved specific solo girls, not like it was a couples. The girls are all very beautiful as well. And the photo on his phone too. Urgh.

@ZetuianRose and sorry, WHAT? I totally missed the last part about your ex. Absolutely shocking!

Ha! I know. I was with him for 11 years, outwardly he was a nice guy, quiet, didn’t really go out, bit nerdy, did his share of housework etc. but over the years would be in touch with her now and then, met up with her in secret including Xmas day morning once when I was at my parents house. Then messaged her in the night while in bed with me saying he couldn’t stop thinking about holding her 🤦🏻‍♀️

I didn’t have any issues with him watching generic porn, but as soon as it gets personal it strays into the betrayal territory!

This is partly why he “wants to consider things”, because in my anger I said we are over and I am leaving and taking the kids with me abroad to my family and he won’t see them. Obviously he was furious at this. It’s worth mentioning I don’t even have any family here, they are all abroad!!

I'm sorry this is happening to you.

He will be paying, it will be private rooms with him giving them instructions. He is minimising. These sites are designed to hook them in and get money, they get very minimal viewing before paywalls go up. Signing up requires payment. They get addicted to the 'hit' very quickly and lose their good sense.

As long as he is defending it and minimising you can't really begin to repair your relationship.

I should add in his browser history I found him searching for only fans models in OUR CITY. He claims he was “curious” if anyone we knew was doing it.

Where did bpd come from? Who thinks you have it?

He’s manipulating and gaslighting you. He’s trying to mess with your head to make you feel like you’re crazy and unreasonable and nobody else would have a problem with this except you. Just reading what he’s doing is making me feel angry so I’m not surprised you’re behaving the way you are.

Why are all your family abroad? Did you move here to be with him? Do you have any friends here?

I know it's a totally different subject, but you probably can't do that easily.

You'd need legal.adbice certainly (though I know you've only said it due to your level of anger, hurt, frustration etc.).

You sound very isolated here.

Perhaps that's also why he feels he'll get away with things like this, and successfully gas light you that it's normal.

As he's involved his mates in what should be a private discussion, perhaps you should have a chat with his mates' wives/girlfriends and see how they feel about them watching cam girls? 🤔

Yeah.

It's normal to do this and all men do it and his mates say so ...... So his mates can reiterate that in the presence of their partners, right?

It would be no problem at all.

It's also reasonable to consider leaving your partner & mother of your kids because she didn't react calmly and constructively enough to finding out you were buying explicit only fans pics when she was pregnant, and has been on cam sex sites while she's looking after his baby ....

So he can tell their families, friends, friends' partners, work colleagues etc that, that's why he's left op, right?

Again, it would be seen as reasonable, no problem for him to do.

Except, I'd bet a large amount of money he won't do either.
And that says it all

He wants to gas light you in your private "world".

I'm sure your family being in another country makes him more confident about that.

I also don't like how much bpd is being mentioned in relation to your very normal reactions to his behaviour.

🤢

People don't seem to realise how many men do this but their wives/partners just don't know. Would we still feel this way if you didn't know? I'd be a little uncomfortable with the idea of policing what my DH chooses to look at. Is he not free to look at what people are freely putting out there? We've all looked at someone who wasn't our husband, an actor or someone in a magazine and got a bit flushed. We wouldn't accept out DH telling us how disgusting we are and how they can't even look at us.

Taking his children away and never letting him see them again because he looked at boobs? Seriously?

Nope, not even close. I’m absolutely fine with normal porn.

As I said my family are all abroad, where I grew up. I’m only here now for DP, his family and the kids.

Although this is the kind of seriously frustrating remarks he makes. “I just looked at the boobs.” He didn’t though, did he? He paid 3 girls in their homes for explicit photos and videos. He watched live cam girls putting on shows and has likely paid. He saved photos of other women to his phone. He searched for sex workers in our city.

And no, I wouldn’t try to stop him seeing the kids. Like I said he’s a great father and the kids adore him.

She can't take his kids away.

Anyway, I'm sure he'd cope given he chooses to wank on live cam sex sessions and search out only fans 'models" in their area while she's looking after their baby.

But none of those are equivalent to what he's been doing.

If I went on live cam sex sessions and watched men/male escorts masturbating, had to sign up to do so, perhaps interacted, perhaps paid (it's not unfeasible he's done that, he's going to minimise) at all, but esp while my partner was looking after our child .in the same house .... He would not be happy.

If I paid for 3 male fitness model' explicit images, and searched to see if there any similar guys in our area .... He would not be happy.

And I did these things without discussion/agreement.

The relationship would definitely be in peril. There would a lot of distaste/disgust/lack of trust/probably a decision to match my behaviour/boundaries from now on (if he didn't leave).

And I don't think his reaction would be unusual.

People don't seem to realise how many men do this but their wives/partners just don't know. Would we still feel this way if you didn't know?

Anytime a poster posts on here discovering this, the relationship tends to end sooner or later (sometimes posters update to say the h/p was caught doing it again after being asked not to (which is not an unreasonable request) ..or caught doing worse).

...or at the very least the poster leaves the thread without ending the relationship but is clearly very unhappy and often only staying due to kids, finances etc.

It's clear that most women aren't ok with this behaviour at all.

he’s a great father

He's not because his inappropriate behaviour is causing their Mum pain, upset and stress.

But if he pulls his weight and is decent with the kids, that's hopefully a good thing if you ever separate.