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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Partners porn habits

185 replies

Howtogoaboutthis · 25/03/2024 19:01

I am 3 months postpartum with our second, and have just discovered DP watches cam girls (and has bookmarked a couple favourites) every other day, alongside some regular porn. I have also discovered he has some upper body lingerie shots saved of girls with pert C cups at a maximum, unlike myself having gained 2 stone in my last pregnancy and now a saggy DD and breastfeeding.

Sorry, but how do I feel ok about this? The cam girl thing is too much, as are the images saved on the phone. DP claims it’s no different to old school porn mags/page 3, BUT… they couldn’t look further from me and it is not exactly an “act” he’s watching, is it? It’s literally just a still photo of a woman’s perfect bust!

Thoughts? I’m feeling very vulnerable. I’ve no issues with regular porn vids but this seems too much.

OP posts:
Xenoi24 · 28/03/2024 09:58

but he has changed his phone password. He says he can’t trust me with it anymore

He has zero intention of stopping and doesn't want the hassle of you finding anything.

That's how I'd interpret that.

Especially given he has told you he considers it normal, average behaviour for a man in a relationship/with a family.

Howtogoaboutthis · 28/03/2024 10:01

Xenoi24 · 28/03/2024 09:34

he has now spoken to a few of his bloke mates who have told him that it’s totally normal to watch cam girls and pay for only fans and all men have done it!

No, all men don't do it.

Cam "girls" and paying for only fans images/videos is a line crossed for me, and I'd say for most women.

Do their wives and partners know?

He's lying anyway or he has a scummy, unrepresentative friendship group.

And even if the partners fully know and are ok with it which i bet hey aren't; them being ok with it, doesn't mean you have to be. Some women and men are ok with all sorts of things; strippers, lap dances, some people swing, some are into cuckolding etc etc

Anyway, if it's ok for the men, then it's ok for their partners, right? So they'd have zero problem whatsoever with their partners watching live videos of male escorts or porn actors masturbating etc. they'd have no problem with their partners messaging the men within an app. They'd have no problem with their partners paying for nude etc images and videos of male fitness models, porn actors, male escorts etc

Right??

Edited

@Xenoi24 I did ask him this and he said he’d have no problem at all if I were to watch men on cam apps or only fans!! he said he’d just think I wanted something different from regular porn.

OP posts:
Xenoi24 · 28/03/2024 10:13

He's high level manipulative, isn't he?

You found him using cam sex sites and buying only fans content, but somehow the resulting situation iis your fault and he can't trust you.

He can't relax and talk openly to his friends now. He can't trust you with his password now.

Lol, he's been caught out at some very inappropriate sexual behaviour but so ehow he's not at fault at all and you're the bad one.

The one he can't talk openly in front of, the one he can't let have access to his phone.

Like you're at fault!

Listen, he's at fault. Your reactions are completely normal.

The "discussion" should not be around whether he can talk openly to his mates or "trust" you with his phone password.

It should be around his inappropriate, hurtful, sleazy, line crossing, disrespectful behaviour .... His general attitudes ..... and about how you can trust him!

He's very nicely turning offender into victim and vice versa.

He's so utterly selfish and entitled and lacking empathy, he's focusing on the inconvenience to him; not the hurt, disrespect, discomfort and ick etc to you. While you grow and birth and feed his fkg kids.

Sometimes on here I fantasise about violence towards a poster's h/p. I'm sure I'm not alone ... He's definitely making the cut for that.

He needs told this behaviour is inappropriate & unacceptable to you, that it would be inappropriate and unacceptable to most women, that it would be so to his friends partner if they knew abd that of he persists in continuing with it, he will be a single Dad
That if he continues with it, intimacy with you will not be an option.

That his friends can do what they like ..... You're not with his friends.
That his friends wouldn't have partners either if they knew.
That you know they'd never take reverse behaviour like this, but you're happy to test that with some male cam actors and models.
That you are naturally concerned about the underlying attitudes of him and his friendship group .... And that most women don't want to be with a man of that ilk.

That if he ends up single, he'll just have exactly the same issue with his next partner ... When she finds out. He's fooling himself if he thinks otherwise.

That if he thinks your next partner will do the sane, that's his prerogative but it's not a sure thing and they can gtfo too if they think it's ok and do it.

He needs the riot act read to him, instead of indulging his selfish, distraction/deflection nonsense about talking to his mates and not trusting you with his phone pw.

Xenoi24 · 28/03/2024 10:15

Howtogoaboutthis · 28/03/2024 10:01

@Xenoi24 I did ask him this and he said he’d have no problem at all if I were to watch men on cam apps or only fans!! he said he’d just think I wanted something different from regular porn.

I don't believe him.

But even if true .... Two wrongs don't make a right.

You doing what he does ..only because he does it, only to even things up .... When his behaviour is inappropriate in a relationship (it would be to many many people). It's just dysfunctional.

He needs to stop his behaviour.
Not you change your behaviour to something you wouldn't be doing, just because of his inappropriate behaviour.

Xenoi24 · 28/03/2024 10:25

Btw I use porn myself.

Looking at some free pre recorded sex with professional actors as a masturbation aid is one thing.

Going on live can sex sites - even if you don't pay or Interact (which would be very easy to progress to) or buying images/vids from individuals is something else entirely.

It is live, interactive, personal and when it comes to paying. ...totally and utterly unnecessary.

There are a billion free images of tits etc one. Why pay?

That means you want images of that particular person, maybe you exchange messages to get them, it makes it personal ...

You must want it to be personal/particular to that person ..otherwise you'd just look at or download free pics already online.

Wasting household money on your fantasy/masturbation when there's a million tonnes of free content too ....no.

Howtogoaboutthis · 28/03/2024 10:26

Xenoi24 · 28/03/2024 10:13

He's high level manipulative, isn't he?

You found him using cam sex sites and buying only fans content, but somehow the resulting situation iis your fault and he can't trust you.

He can't relax and talk openly to his friends now. He can't trust you with his password now.

Lol, he's been caught out at some very inappropriate sexual behaviour but so ehow he's not at fault at all and you're the bad one.

The one he can't talk openly in front of, the one he can't let have access to his phone.

Like you're at fault!

Listen, he's at fault. Your reactions are completely normal.

The "discussion" should not be around whether he can talk openly to his mates or "trust" you with his phone password.

It should be around his inappropriate, hurtful, sleazy, line crossing, disrespectful behaviour .... His general attitudes ..... and about how you can trust him!

He's very nicely turning offender into victim and vice versa.

He's so utterly selfish and entitled and lacking empathy, he's focusing on the inconvenience to him; not the hurt, disrespect, discomfort and ick etc to you. While you grow and birth and feed his fkg kids.

Sometimes on here I fantasise about violence towards a poster's h/p. I'm sure I'm not alone ... He's definitely making the cut for that.

He needs told this behaviour is inappropriate & unacceptable to you, that it would be inappropriate and unacceptable to most women, that it would be so to his friends partner if they knew abd that of he persists in continuing with it, he will be a single Dad
That if he continues with it, intimacy with you will not be an option.

That his friends can do what they like ..... You're not with his friends.
That his friends wouldn't have partners either if they knew.
That you know they'd never take reverse behaviour like this, but you're happy to test that with some male cam actors and models.
That you are naturally concerned about the underlying attitudes of him and his friendship group .... And that most women don't want to be with a man of that ilk.

That if he ends up single, he'll just have exactly the same issue with his next partner ... When she finds out. He's fooling himself if he thinks otherwise.

That if he thinks your next partner will do the sane, that's his prerogative but it's not a sure thing and they can gtfo too if they think it's ok and do it.

He needs the riot act read to him, instead of indulging his selfish, distraction/deflection nonsense about talking to his mates and not trusting you with his phone pw.

Edited

@Xenoi24 hes focusing on me because of my reaction. Like I mentioned I may have BPD so my reaction wasn’t to sit down and have a calm chat but rather lost my shit over it. I called him on his mobile repeatedly at work when he was refusing any empathy, and I was distraught. I kept poking and poking trying to get him to show me some emotion and I couldn’t get it out of him so kept picking and making sarcastic comments about these young model I saw. All out of hurt of course but he and his friends have said that my behaviour is so outrageous that this is the real problem here.

OP posts:
Louise0808 · 28/03/2024 10:30

I have bpd and my reaction wasn't calm? I kicked my partner out back to his mums for a week. So what? I'm sorry but your husband sounds horrible. He's now blaming mental health when he's the one that's caused this problem and these feelings. Manipulative much.

Xenoi24 · 28/03/2024 10:31

Like I mentioned I may have BPD so my reaction wasn’t to sit down and have a calm chat but rather lost my shit over it.

I don't have BPD and my reaction would be the same.

I'd say most women on here would have a very angry, hurt reaction.

That's totally normal.

I don't think there would be many women who would have a calm, "rational" sit down discussion if they discovered stuff like this.

I hope you're not letting him gas light you about your bpd. Or criticising yourself when your reactions are normal for anyone.

Xenoi24 · 28/03/2024 10:34

I called him on his mobile repeatedly at work when he was refusing any empathy, and I was distraught. I kept poking and poking trying to get him to show me some emotion and I couldn’t get it out of him so kept picking and making sarcastic comments about these young model I saw.

I don't think your reaction to finding out about his behaviour is abnormal or extreme or unusual in any way.

I think most people would want to speak to the person urgently and intensively.

If they showed little reaction to your distress, I'd imagine anyone would get very angry and upset.

Sarcastic and poking??? Lmao.
I'd be battering them around the head.

Xenoi24 · 28/03/2024 10:35

He appears to lack empathy.

Also very selfish.

Also very manipulative.

That's not your fault.

Howtogoaboutthis · 28/03/2024 10:37

Louise0808 · 28/03/2024 10:30

I have bpd and my reaction wasn't calm? I kicked my partner out back to his mums for a week. So what? I'm sorry but your husband sounds horrible. He's now blaming mental health when he's the one that's caused this problem and these feelings. Manipulative much.

@Louise0808 irs the whole splitting/red mist thing. At one point I was in his face hysterically crying telling him I hate him.

OP posts:
MrsSkylerWhite · 28/03/2024 10:37

What an arsehole. Sorry OP. Porn has always been a no for me, just wouldn’t tolerate it.

Xenoi24 · 28/03/2024 10:39

Oh and if he thinks he'll get another woman who'll accept behaviour like this and have no reaction to it, he's in cloud cuckoo land.

Most women wouldn't be ok with behaviour like this.

And him citing that his mates act the same ...even if they did, I bet their partners don't know so what relevance does that have??

None.

If they knew their relationships would be in turmoil too.

That doesn't make their behaviour ok in any way. It just means they are behaving inappropriately and their partners don't know!

Howtogoaboutthis · 28/03/2024 10:43

Xenoi24 · 28/03/2024 10:39

Oh and if he thinks he'll get another woman who'll accept behaviour like this and have no reaction to it, he's in cloud cuckoo land.

Most women wouldn't be ok with behaviour like this.

And him citing that his mates act the same ...even if they did, I bet their partners don't know so what relevance does that have??

None.

If they knew their relationships would be in turmoil too.

That doesn't make their behaviour ok in any way. It just means they are behaving inappropriately and their partners don't know!

I desperately want to be able to move past it but I can’t, it hurts and makes me feel sick. He has said he would watch the cam girls when I’d gone to bed, then go to sleep.

Last night I was up at 2 am feeding our baby and thought “i wonder if he’s downstairs doing the deed over them now”

Obviously ended up crying to myself again.

He does keep saying that I am the most attractive to him and he’s only ever wanted me physically bur what he’s been watching and saving doesn’t suggest that, does it?

OP posts:
Xenoi24 · 28/03/2024 10:45

Howtogoaboutthis · 28/03/2024 10:01

@Xenoi24 I did ask him this and he said he’d have no problem at all if I were to watch men on cam apps or only fans!! he said he’d just think I wanted something different from regular porn.

I'd really like to see this tested out.

I don't believe it.

I think his empathy-less character is making him think he's be ok with it, in reality ... I doubt he would.

Lots of people think they'd be ok with something involving their partner until it actually happens.

Besides he feels safe to say that because he probably thinks you'd would never actually do it.

Xenoi24 · 28/03/2024 10:54

Howtogoaboutthis · 28/03/2024 10:43

I desperately want to be able to move past it but I can’t, it hurts and makes me feel sick. He has said he would watch the cam girls when I’d gone to bed, then go to sleep.

Last night I was up at 2 am feeding our baby and thought “i wonder if he’s downstairs doing the deed over them now”

Obviously ended up crying to myself again.

He does keep saying that I am the most attractive to him and he’s only ever wanted me physically bur what he’s been watching and saving doesn’t suggest that, does it?

I think your feelings are completely natural and reasonable.

In the circumstances... Young babies, breast feeding etc. they are even more understandable.

In what world is this ok?

He (and some men) want to make this a world in which this is ok/normal ..... It's not.

And if they think it's ok and acceptable, why are they hiding it until caught?

It doesn't matter how much he is/says he is attracted to you ...what does it matter when he's behaving like this.

Cam sex etc is crossing a line for you, that's a perfectly reasonable line.

He has expressed absolutely no consideration of that, no willingness to stop hurting you and making you uncomfortable, he's done nothing but try to make your reaction seem ott and unreasonable (it's not) and blame you for not being able to relax talking to his mates or have you know his phone password m.

His behaviour is inappropriate, it's hurtful to you/uncomfortable for you (and I think the majority of people would feel the same) yet he shows not the slightest care, or willingness to stop it.
All he does is try to claim it's normal .. and show no signs of being willing to stop .. and try to make you feel bad/blame you for your natural reactions.

He won't get another woman who's ok with this, easily or at all. As I said he's in cloud cuckoo land. He's also happy to continue hurting you, acting poorly towards you etc.

That's your underlying problem.

Venturini · 28/03/2024 10:55

Also, who has time for so much wanking when you have two kids including a tiny baby? Does he do anything else pray tell? We were working as a team in shifts, sharing feeds, making sure we each got some sleep, that everyone was fed and there were at least a few clean clothes to go around. Not fucking around with cam girls. He sounds vile.

Xenoi24 · 28/03/2024 10:58

Good point.

Too much sitting in front of screens wanking, too little pulling his weight as a partner & parent.

Howtogoaboutthis · 28/03/2024 11:01

Xenoi24 · 28/03/2024 10:54

I think your feelings are completely natural and reasonable.

In the circumstances... Young babies, breast feeding etc. they are even more understandable.

In what world is this ok?

He (and some men) want to make this a world in which this is ok/normal ..... It's not.

And if they think it's ok and acceptable, why are they hiding it until caught?

It doesn't matter how much he is/says he is attracted to you ...what does it matter when he's behaving like this.

Cam sex etc is crossing a line for you, that's a perfectly reasonable line.

He has expressed absolutely no consideration of that, no willingness to stop hurting you and making you uncomfortable, he's done nothing but try to make your reaction seem ott and unreasonable (it's not) and blame you for not being able to relax talking to his mates or have you know his phone password m.

His behaviour is inappropriate, it's hurtful to you/uncomfortable for you (and I think the majority of people would feel the same) yet he shows not the slightest care, or willingness to stop it.
All he does is try to claim it's normal .. and show no signs of being willing to stop .. and try to make you feel bad/blame you for your natural reactions.

He won't get another woman who's ok with this, easily or at all. As I said he's in cloud cuckoo land. He's also happy to continue hurting you, acting poorly towards you etc.

That's your underlying problem.

Edited

In fairness he has said he will never visit those cam websites again. He said if he knew I would be upset he’d have never done it, and that he thought I would be ok with it! Paying for the only fans he says was a drunken mistake.

however, since talking to his friends his tune is changing and he seems FAR more sure that it is “normal” and I am just crazy.

If he does want to visit them he’ll have to rinse his own mobile phone data because I’ve blocked all these sites under parental control which he doesn’t even have access to.

OP posts:
Howtogoaboutthis · 28/03/2024 11:02

Venturini · 28/03/2024 10:55

Also, who has time for so much wanking when you have two kids including a tiny baby? Does he do anything else pray tell? We were working as a team in shifts, sharing feeds, making sure we each got some sleep, that everyone was fed and there were at least a few clean clothes to go around. Not fucking around with cam girls. He sounds vile.

@Venturini in fairness he is a good dad. He works full time and I (stupidly) quit to be a SAHM when our eldest was 2, 2 years ago.

He gets up with our baby in the morning so I can get a couple hours sleep, bathes the eldest, does bed time etc. he adores the kids, just not me.

OP posts:
Xenoi24 · 28/03/2024 11:03

Op, it's very important to point out that you don't have to do anything right now.

It's very hard to do anything while you're responsible for babies & toddlers. They are incredibly physically and mentally demanding.

You can take your time deciding what to do

No decision has to be made now. It can be made when it suits you and your kids best.

His behaviour is disgraceful by the way.

Who wants a cam sex watching, only fans trawling, money wasting, porn fixated literal wanker. His total lack of empathy, and selfishness is also leading him to not realise what a sleazy, dick obsessed, pathetic, ick inducing cretin he is.

Xenoi24 · 28/03/2024 11:04

Howtogoaboutthis · 28/03/2024 11:02

@Venturini in fairness he is a good dad. He works full time and I (stupidly) quit to be a SAHM when our eldest was 2, 2 years ago.

He gets up with our baby in the morning so I can get a couple hours sleep, bathes the eldest, does bed time etc. he adores the kids, just not me.

Who knows how he feels about you.

He'd probably be like this in any relationship, it's not down to his feelings or attraction (or lack of) for you.

It's the way he is.

Xenoi24 · 28/03/2024 11:06

He said if he knew I would be upset he’d have never done it, and that he thought I would be ok with it

Ah, how come he never mentioned it then?

Howtogoaboutthis · 28/03/2024 11:07

Xenoi24 · 28/03/2024 11:03

Op, it's very important to point out that you don't have to do anything right now.

It's very hard to do anything while you're responsible for babies & toddlers. They are incredibly physically and mentally demanding.

You can take your time deciding what to do

No decision has to be made now. It can be made when it suits you and your kids best.

His behaviour is disgraceful by the way.

Who wants a cam sex watching, only fans trawling, money wasting, porn fixated literal wanker. His total lack of empathy, and selfishness is also leading him to not realise what a sleazy, dick obsessed, pathetic, ick inducing cretin he is.

@Xenoi24 lol he has actually turned it around and now he is the one that wants time to “decide” if he wishes to continue in this relationship because of MY behaviour and reactions to things that we should just be able to “sit down and calmly talk about” apparently.

OP posts:
Xenoi24 · 28/03/2024 11:07

And that's either a complete lack of empathy or a lie (or a total lack of grasp of appropriate behaviour).

None of those are good traits in a partner.