Partners porn habits

[Howtogoaboutthis]

I am 3 months postpartum with our second, and have just discovered DP watches cam girls (and has bookmarked a couple favourites) every other day, alongside some regular porn. I have also discovered he has some upper body lingerie shots saved of girls with pert C cups at a maximum, unlike myself having gained 2 stone in my last pregnancy and now a saggy DD and breastfeeding.

Sorry, but how do I feel ok about this? The cam girl thing is too much, as are the images saved on the phone. DP claims it’s no different to old school porn mags/page 3, BUT… they couldn’t look further from me and it is not exactly an “act” he’s watching, is it? It’s literally just a still photo of a woman’s perfect bust!

Thoughts? I’m feeling very vulnerable. I’ve no issues with regular porn vids but this seems too much.

"I suspect I have BPD so I’ve been quite triggered overall and have said some horrible things during our arguing, because he doesn’t reassure me."

Please don't diagnose yourself on the basis of your current situation as your reaction is probably completely psychologically normal for your situation: You have recently given birth, probably sleep-deprived, have three young dependants, if you are out of work at present you will be financially dependent on him to some extent, so you rely on him for the basics: housing, food and care of your children. So here you are, in this vulnerable position and you are meant to deal with this betrayal from the one person you rely on!? AND instead of showing any care or empathy to his partner who needs protection and care at this time he offers no reassurance!! Wtaf?

Anyone in your situation would likely feel awful and say things that they might not otherwise say.

Be gentle with yourself and find some other people, supportive ones, to talk to.

I have said I want to see his bank statements as proof he hasn’t been paying for cam girls. He now says his friends are shocked and horrified at this and it’s ridiculous. Is it?

Feeling vulnerable is understandable. It's important to communicate your concerns with your partner openly. Cam girl interactions can feel more personal than traditional porn, and saved images that don't align with your body can hit hard. Let your partner know how you're feeling without accusing them, and work together to find solutions. Your feelings matter, and it's okay to prioritize your emotional well-being.

I don't think it would be totally surprising if his friends attitude to porn/Only Fans/ cam girls was the same as his. That's why they are his friends, because they have the same attitude to women and regard them as commodities for men's use. I wonder how their partners feel - possibly the same as you and perhaps they are being told this is normal behaviour.
I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with any man like that. Your partner is getting sexual gratification from other women and if you are supposed to have a monogamous relationship then it is cheating. I think you have every right to find his behaviour unacceptable and upsetting.
If he really doesn't care about your feelings in this you can't make him change. But I wouldn't want to stay in a relationship with someone like this.

Are you in some kind of polyamorous relationship with his friends? If not it has fuck all to do with them. He's gaslighting you. And webcams are cheating as far as I'm concerned. What are his redeeming qualities?

Errr… he’s an amazing father and he’s very kind towards other people? 😏

He doesn't sound as though he is very kind to you.

Why would you be okay with this?

From my perspective this is gross, disgusting - an insane betrayal of you when you have just had his F-ing baby!!!!

I would end the relationship if he didn't stop

I literally cannot believe anyone would be okay with this.

Fuck that. Watching porn is one thing…. Plenty of women watch porn too. But to be rinsing the web cam girls while you are pregnant and so soon after having a baby…. Its nasty and I wouldnt stand for it. You should raise ypur standards. Not all men are like this believe it or not, whatever his idiot friends have to say about it.

He's crossed some massive lines. I'm very open and honest with my H as he is with me. We both use porn occasionally. Because ultimately, sometimes it's more convenient.

I've just asked him, and he has said and I believe him (we have joint accounts) that paying for cam girls or OF is cheating in his books. He said it's different due to the interaction and said if I did either cam men or OF, he would class that as 100% cheating. Paying with money that should be going to the family or investments is a huge no.

He said he knows of friends (married with kids) who do. But the majority of them don't see why they should pay to get off when there's enough free content, plus wives/gf should be the first port of call. (His words. He got a playful slap)

We both we think it's bs that he has asked his friends, and they think it's no big deal. He's probably just trying to draw a line under the argument and trying to gaslight you into believing it's normal. It's not normal, it's virtual prostitution.

Oh, and he said that your H should currently be worshipping you and your body for bringing two children into the world.

I'm currently pp as well but much further down the line, and he has never once made me feel less than perfect while I've been recovering, and body will never be what it was.

Its cheating in my opinion. My partner had this habit before we met. Very early on I caught him and we rowed. Massively. I explained its cheating to me because its live, there's live interaction and money exchanged ( paying for it cringed me out I won't lie). I asked him if I could do cam men or something and he was stumped. I dont think he ever considered it cheating until i explained it. But ultimately its personal boundaries. Cam girls are a massive no to me.
To my knowledge he hasn't since but he never tried to defend himself about it either when i explained why i consider it cheating.
I think porn is fine because it's prerecorded.

Just download a load of cock photos on your phone, see how he feels

Oh, but wait, you won't.

Because you're a woman and know better than this infantile shit

He says he can’t trust me with it anymore and won’t be able to talk openly with his friends as I’ll take everything the wrong way.

^

Yeah, it's your fault. Yours.

Wake up op

Maybe you should touch base with their wives...

Doesn’t make him good husband material. And you have a daughter - are you happy that she ‘adores’ a man who normalises all this?

Lol I did say this. I told him to get his mates to tell their wives and I’d guarantee at least one marriage will be ending.

agreed, however he’s adamant he’d never pay for the cam sites.

Do you know all the wives? Start a group chat with as many as you can and then ask them all, and say that their husbands also do it and think it’s not cheating and normal. Then see the reaction.

This made me laugh out loud. Could you imagine? 😂

he has now spoken to a few of his bloke mates who have told him that it’s totally normal to watch cam girls and pay for only fans and all men have done it!

No, all men don't do it.

Cam "girls" and paying for only fans images/videos is a line crossed for me, and I'd say for most women.

Do their wives and partners know?

He's lying anyway or he has a scummy, unrepresentative friendship group.

And even if the partners fully know and are ok with it which i bet hey aren't; them being ok with it, doesn't mean you have to be. Some women and men are ok with all sorts of things; strippers, lap dances, some people swing, some are into cuckolding etc etc

Anyway, if it's ok for the men, then it's ok for their partners, right? So they'd have zero problem whatsoever with their partners watching live videos of male escorts or porn actors masturbating etc. they'd have no problem with their partners messaging the men within an app. They'd have no problem with their partners paying for nude etc images and videos of male fitness models, porn actors, male escorts etc

Right??

But he's paid for only fans images/videos (if I got that right?) so what does it matter?

You're right.

He's gas lighting you.

It's normal and all men do it.

A.its not and B. If their partners knew their relationships would be in real trouble.

he’s an amazing father

You're now covering your boobs while breastfeeding because he's on cam sex sites and paying for only fans images and keeping pics of breasts on his phone..... Their mother is now down, sad, self conscious, uncomfortable, a bit stressed and
insecure...... (All of which is understandable).

Hardly makes him an amazing father.
The subsequent conversation with his justifications and dismissals and gas lighting is also stressful for you. The inappropriate behaviour and disrespect and lack of consideration is stressful. He would be stressed and angry if he was on the receiving end of it.

Mens behaviour towards the mother's of their children is not some totally separate sphere from their behaviour towards their kids. Their treatment of their mother indirectly impacts their kids.
It cannot be separated...much as men, courts and some women want to neatly separate it

If she's not at her most happy, relaxed, confident and secure ..she's not at her best as a person or parent.

He says he can’t trust me with it anymore and won’t be able to talk openly with his friends as I’ll take everything the wrong way.

You mean you might let it slip that he told you they all go on cam sex sites and buy only fans images/vids, with the implication their partners know and are ok with it .... But they probably aren't, and if they are it's highly unlikely their partners know or are on with it.

He's worried you'll mention it or you'll show what you think of them now. He's worried some sleazy or cavalier comment might trigger you.

As an aside, this type of mentality in a group of men (if it's true) would worry me for stag do's boys nights out, lads trips, business trips etc.

If this is what they do at home, what do they do away from home, with separation/compartmentalisation, toxic masculinity and bravado fuelling them.

What does that mean anyway ...won't be able to talk openly with his friends in case you take it the wrong way; what sort of thibfs does he say to his friends that you might "take the wrong way".