Am I foolish to consider saving my marriage after husband had a long term affair

[Ilovemymusic]

I honestly don't know where to start ! I found out 12 months ago that my husband was having a long term affair. It went on my 3/4 yrs . To say I was devastated is an unstatement . After I found out he denied it until he knew I had 100% proof . He promised it was over and it was me he wanted ,saying all the right things and I decided to give it another go as I was still in love with him and probably in denial..After 6 months he went away on a work trip while away I discovered a old phone of his that was still connected up to Facebook but it had no sim card , I heard messenger go off and low and behold it was her texting him , asking him was he enjoying his work trip . I just couldn't believe he was still in contact with her ..Up until this I hadn't told a single soul about his affair as I didn't want anyone knowing if I was going to stay . Once he got home I packed his bags but he wouldn't move out, so I moved into my own room ...I felt I had enough and told my family and my close friends that my marriage was over .. I went to a solicitor for advice and started separation process..Now he is all sorry , even cried several times saying " your the person I love and I realise now how lucky I was to have you " today he told me he can't imagine life without me ...I wish he would stop trying to fix it now as he is making me feel guilty for going ahead with separation...I do know all the neighbours know he had the affair as apparently most knew before I found out ...I was so sure I wanted out but today I have this doubt in my head saying " can I fix it ,should I throw away a 30 yr marriage. I'm still relatively young at 52 .. We have four children, one due to get married next yr .
..Why am I suddenly so conflicted ?? Have anyone come back from this ??

I think that people can move on from affairs if they put the work in but I'm really sorry to say it, your husband has already shown that he won't by continuing to betray to. You deserve so much better. He can say he loves and wants you until he us blue in the face but he hasn't respected you.

you are being very naive to think you can come back from this

he already checked out and fully engaged in a different relationship - physically and emotionally - and that he carried on for a long time

the reasons he wants to come back are the same reasons you have listed - divorce is a mess, he is used to being married to you, one of your kids is getting married...it would be a hassle to split now so he is trying to shove it under a rug

he does not love you and be will cheat again

There is no coming back from it. He's only crying now because he's been found out - and he can see he's fucked himself financially.

He did not care about you for the 3/4 years he had an affair. He lied to your face. He slept with another woman, then came home and slept with you. It did not worry his conscience one bit. He repeatedly did this. He lied to your face when you found out - and only gave in when it was 100% obvious he could not deny it any more.

Then 6 months later you discovered they were still in contact. Clearly it had never ended. He continued to lie, to disrespect you, to not give a shit about your 30 year marriage, or the happiness and security of your 4 children. He didn't care.

He still isn't sorry about the hurt he's caused you - it's ALL about him! He can't imagine life without you. He can't imagine a life where you take 50% of the assets, and 50% of his pension more like!

Don't stop the divorce for God's sake, OP. Push it through and be free of him.

Life will be better without someone who spent years deceiving you and lying to you. He's still lying to you. Let's be honest - do you think this is the only time? Or is it far more likely that you've just found out about the latest affair. I'd bet good money it's far from his first time.

You will pay an extremely heavy emotional price if you stay with him. I saw it in my own parents. Their mental health fell apart for the price of saving their marriage. Don't do it to yourself.

You are worth so much more.

Of course you are not foolish - it is YOUR life and only you can decide what is right. And - you do not need to make a decision right away.

I guess in your place, if I wanted to give it a proper go - I'd insist on several conditions.

• Family counselling - so he can explain to you and explore what was going on in his head and why the affair happened. I do think that understanding can help you have a better picture. Was it just boredom? Or he liked the secrecy? etc
• Individual counselling for him
• Full transparency - with his phone, etc
• Other changes you need him to make for you to believe he means it - whatever it may be

30 years is a lot of life to give up without giving it a good try. And at this point it needs to be him making a huge effort, so you can decide if it is working for you.
You do love him. He does seem to be an idiot, but he does seem to love you too. And long relationships can get stale - personally I can not imagine being with the same person since my 20s and staying interested in them for 30years+.
The fact that you are still both into each other and don't want to let go means that there is still a lot left for fight for.

And as I said - you can always divorce. But - on a pragmatic level - starting from scratch and dating at 52 is not great. A few of my divorced friends in mid 40/early 50s group report that it's not an easy age to date.

You're still young. So much life to live.

Please don't waste more time on this man.

He has betrayed you so very badly. Over and over.

Please preserve your mental health and well-being by getting rid of him. You deserve far far better.

I'm really sorry. Same happened to me after 20 year marriage. I didn't want to get to 60 and still be married to a deceitful skank of a man.

So sorry op. I was in your exact situation. Married 26 years, 4 children. I at uni, one at college, 2 at school. Caught exh having an 18 month affair. He too swore his undying love, he was a fool, he wasn't thinking straight, he got carried away etc. I took him back and like you found out 6 months later he was still in contact. I very sadly ended our marriage with no further comment or discussion about it, as like you I still desperately loved him and didn't want to be drawn back into his disrespect or lies. I felt guilty for a while but then found my angry. Over a year on, I can say I feel liberated and me!!!!! It's a very hard decision to make. Only you can make it xxx

And also a crap dating scene in your 50s really isn't a reason to stay with a cheating liar.

I'm not really interested in finding someone else , if I end up on my own I'm OK with that .. I just felt so guilty seeing him cry today even though he saw me cry several times yet went back to her . I believe you can't have an affair and still be in love with your spouse as my head was never turned in the 30 yrs of my marriage, so why is he saying he still loves me ,or can you have an affair and still be in love with your wife ?? I just feel very down today.. I hate that he has put me in this situation that I have to make all these awful decisions.

Will he be financially affected if you split up? If so, that's why he's giving you the show of regret, remorse etc.

@Ilovemymusic he says he loves you because he is a liar, he says this to make sure you don't leave him. he is only sorry his comfort will take a hit now

I hate that he has put me in this situation that I have to make all these awful decisions

Loving men don't do that, do they? They make sure you are happy

You will never feel truly happy and liberated if you stay. If you divorce its his responsibility not yours so don't waste time listening to him. Try and be as non contact as possible.

Is it worth arranging counselling for you. It can be really helpful to aid a healthy great up

Yes

Very similar situation. I told him we were done, he said all the the same things as your ex. I have no interest in going back. This happened last year and I’ve never been happier. I can’t imagine living with someone with that lack of trust and respect. Good luck

They are perfectly capable unfortunately of telling you everything they think you want to hear. All the while still engaging in deceit. I’ve been there and I was shocked how he behaved. Crying and telling me he wanted me after I didn’t want him. Would move to anywhere in the world to be with me didn’t want her etc. months later married her

I don't think it's possible to respect someone and value them whilst repeatedly lying to them and deceiving them.

In my line of work I come across many people, male and female, who have had an affair. I can safely say that the majority of men who have had an affair say they still love their wife / partner. Sometimes they say they love their affair partner too but for very different reasons (maybe their affair partner makes them feel more excited or ‘special’ or sexy than their wife). However, they frequently describe a longer term connection with their wife and often recognise that they have been through the ups and downs of life with their wife which they might not survive with an affair partner.

How do they do it? Often through an ability to compartmentalise their feelings for one person from another. They fool themselves that the two worlds won’t collide and as they enjoy both it’s ok. They fool themselves of a lot of things. Invariably though one world will come crashing down on them and they have to face up to the reality.

I would say to you think carefully, take your time. There is no need to make any decision right now. Or you could, as some people do, separate / divorce and see if you can repair your relationship from a distance. You don’t have to be married and together or divorced and apart. You can try something in between. However, I would advise anyone in your situation to keep as much independence as you can with friends, jobs, finances. Do not let your lives be so entwined that if he left tomorrow you would be totally lost. Build your autonomy as much as you can. That way it’s easier for you to choose to stay or go.

My dear this is all about you … tbh you have bee n subjected to a real nasty unwanted life experience .. event … trauma. It sounds like you’re having a wobble and in these situations it won’t be the last .
ask yourself this … did you deserve the pain that was brought in your door … did you deserve the lies and the chaos of his affair … the answer is no.
does he deserve to be part of your beautiful future … would he enrich it , nourish it and cherish it …. When ur having any doubts put you at the Center and your wants and needs he is secondary and will always be .
Be fierce you are bloody amazing

Of course its not going to be easy….. 30 years is a long time.

Think about this objectively. If he really loved and respected you he would not have a) had an affair in the first place b) lied to your face about said affair c) said he wanted you then keep secretly in touch with her.

You are convenient to him for whatever reason.

You deserve so much better than this lying twat.

My h had an affair. He only told me when it was over because her husband was going to tell me. Apparently he had to shag her several times and then see her do some terrible things to realise it was A Bad Thing.

I stayed.

I am divorcing him now but not because of the affair.

if you want to try then try. I said I'd stay as long as I still loved him. But your h has to do everything to try and make it right.

If you want to divorce then divorce. You never threw anything away. He did.

I would be tempted to see how genuine he is being. Make him put his money where his mouth is both metaphorically and literally. If you wanted to stay.

But decide yourself. Don't be influenced by him.

People can and do have affairs when they love their spouse. People are naive and not very emotionally intelligent if they think otherwise. People have affairs for so many reasons. Most aren't because they don't love their partner anymore.

.I wish he would stop trying to fix it now as he is making me feel guilty for going ahead with separation.........

I just felt so guilty seeing him cry today even though he saw me cry several times yet went back to her .

This just shows how self-centered he is.
All he can offer you now is a relationship you never feel secure in, where you are always paranoid, where you know he betrayed you, and still kept betraying you even after he saw the damage he caused, and for all you know he's still doing it.

But yet he thinks that you should have to stay in that relationship and is trying to make you feel like you have to.

If he loves you then it's in a truly selfish sense, it's not the kind of love I would want from anyone. He certainly doesn't care about you because if he did he'd want you to be happy, and you'll never be happy with him.

you are not making the decision though. he did that when he not only cheated for 3 years but kept it going after you gave him another chance. file for divorce, move out yourself if you have to.