Am I foolish to consider saving my marriage after husband had a long term affair

[Ilovemymusic]

I honestly don't know where to start ! I found out 12 months ago that my husband was having a long term affair. It went on my 3/4 yrs . To say I was devastated is an unstatement . After I found out he denied it until he knew I had 100% proof . He promised it was over and it was me he wanted ,saying all the right things and I decided to give it another go as I was still in love with him and probably in denial..After 6 months he went away on a work trip while away I discovered a old phone of his that was still connected up to Facebook but it had no sim card , I heard messenger go off and low and behold it was her texting him , asking him was he enjoying his work trip . I just couldn't believe he was still in contact with her ..Up until this I hadn't told a single soul about his affair as I didn't want anyone knowing if I was going to stay . Once he got home I packed his bags but he wouldn't move out, so I moved into my own room ...I felt I had enough and told my family and my close friends that my marriage was over .. I went to a solicitor for advice and started separation process..Now he is all sorry , even cried several times saying " your the person I love and I realise now how lucky I was to have you " today he told me he can't imagine life without me ...I wish he would stop trying to fix it now as he is making me feel guilty for going ahead with separation...I do know all the neighbours know he had the affair as apparently most knew before I found out ...I was so sure I wanted out but today I have this doubt in my head saying " can I fix it ,should I throw away a 30 yr marriage. I'm still relatively young at 52 .. We have four children, one due to get married next yr .
..Why am I suddenly so conflicted ?? Have anyone come back from this ??

Thank you @LyingWitchInTheWardrobe . I think my pet will be okay but I'll keep an eye.

Also. He's made a mockery of your marriage vows.

Do you want to stand by yours in this circumstances? Be beside a man as he ages. Because if you're the same age, or he's older, then it's often the woman who ends up caring for the man. And why does he deserve that?

Op, why are YOU feeling guilty??

Are you the one who has broken your wedding vows and been shagging someone else for the past four years? No? Then please don't feel guilty.

Your h is a liar and a cheat. He's only crying now because he's realised just what he has to lose - you, his domestic appliance, and half the house and pension!

How many lies has he told you over the past four years? Hundreds? Thousands?

He's treated you like a fool and risked giving you a STD. Is that what someone who loves you does?
No.

You deserve so much better!

@Sashya

a) why do you think he loves her - he’s been caught having a long term affair, and then restarted contact with his mistress. I suspect his upset is at the cost of divorce.

b) I don’t think dating is going to be the OP’s primary concern. If she wants a new partner she’ll find one but plenty of people have happy lives without.

I think it is possible to work through infidelity if you both want to - but there’s clear evidence he does not.

This wasn't a drunken one off, this was a long term deception which he only ended when you found out and then started again! Think of many lies he must've told- the effort he put into sustaining this. He doesn't love you- he loves the stability, family, shared money/assets.

You aren't throwing anything away. He did that. The level of deceit involved in a 3/4 year affair is staggering and imo, unforgiveable - especially when he compounded it by deceiving you again.

Keep going down the path of divorce. Don't let his crocodile tears put you off. He didn't care when you were crying over his infidelity!

Yes people can recover from affairs one couple I know extremely open about it gave it another go as they had nothing to loose as they were going to split up
and it was 15 years ago the seem happier than ever kids left home enormous house they could very easily sell and buy one each do loads together
my cousin lasted 9 months after there tried to give it another shot

it’s a personal thing some people can get past it some can’t
you have to be able to move on and not keep dragging it up or it will be like picking a scab and it will never heal

Because he is a good bullshitter. Crying. Fuck me. Classic behaviour from a cheat. Making it all about them. He probably does want to stay for the simple life he will have and not to be seen as the bad guy in the eyes of his kids. He is not in love with you though as he wouldn’t have done it once, let alone twice if he was! Dont kid yourself.

Op in a word no. And nor should you want to. He has no respect for you. He humiliated you for years- even the neighbours knew, and he still didn’t have the decency to admit when confronted. And then he has kept on lying and stayed in contact with her.
Those are tears of self pity from him. He’s crying for himself. Your feelings don’t even come into it. Please value yourself and don’t consider staying with someone who has so little regard for you.

Your husband will do what he thinks he can get away with.

If he thinks he can trick you - he will.

It's normal to have a few wobbles, you've been married a long time and it's scary to think of being on your own again. But you have family, friends, children ... your life will be full and happy again. The trust has gone from your marriage and after such a devastating betrayal over such a long period of time, how could you ever trust him again? You don't owe him anything so DO NOT let him make you feel guilty with his tears and regret. The quicker you can separate and get away from him the better. Chin up OP, it feels like a nightmare now but it will get better I promise 💐

Most people on here will say they wouldn’t stay. But when it comes down to it many do. As they do still love their spouse but also because divorce is messy and later in life people don’t want to start over. I don’t necessarily think it automatically means he doesn’t love you, but he certainly doesn’t respect you or value your relationship. Maybe things got stale (as they do) and someone came along and he enjoyed a bit of excitement. There’s nothing to say that wouldn’t happen again, and he’s proved that by seeing how devastated you were and yet did it again. That’s what would hurt me the most.

Massive hugs to you op, so sorry you’re in this position.

He knew he destroyed you the first time he was caught & was happy to put you through that again. Why would someone who claims to love you watch you go through that again! It’s beyond cruel.

Find your anger & kick his arse to the curb. Do you really want to share him? Because that’s what’s going to continue to happen I’m afraid. He wouldn’t give her up the first time around & he won’t now.

my ex cried too when caught, I took him back & yrs later after splitting up he dropped himself in it & it turned out he had continued to see her. He’s still with her now many yrs later.

I have to give an answer to your last question.
I think you can have an affair and still love your husband/wife.
It's about what's acceptable to you, though.
I'm afraid "society" doesn't look very friendly at these situations, but again, it's about what works for you.

@JaneAustensHeroine I think that sums up it up- many men like the buzz and the ego trip and the fact it adds a certain excitement to life - it's not always about not loving their wife at all- they simply want 'extra' buzz

Yes and when they are faced with losing their wife the ‘buzz’ doesn’t seem quite so ‘buzzy’ any more. I think many people would like both - the long-term stability that marriage offers plus an exciting new ‘offer’. What men who have affairs don’t realise is that the affair threatens the stability and without the stability it really isn’t much fun at all.

You are so much stronger than him OP. You think he holds the cards but actually you have control here. He has weakened himself. Build up your strength and make choices for you and you alone. Not him. If he is factored in to your choice because it is right for you then so be it but don’t let him influence your choice. Take your time, think it through, list the pros and cons for you (not him).

That's true, but I would hazard a guess many of these men would not be happy if their wife went off and did the same thing with other men.

They are hypocrites, they want the benefits of a committed relationship without making any compromises themselves.

No. If you truly love someone you don’t treat them with contempt, disrespect and lie to them for years on end. Thats not love. If it had been one isolated mistake then sure, but he has been deceiving you for years, promised to end it then lied about it again. That shows not even a basic level of respect for you as a fellow human being let alone the love and care you’d expect from a husband. That said, many people have dysfunctional and skewed versions of “love”, some see it as a form of control over another hence some people in this thread claiming he does. But it’s not really love at all. If you love someone you want the best for them.

Yes you would be a fool to continue I’m afraid. He doesn’t care about anything except his own selfish desires.

Why do men always cry and beg like this? They all do it when they're rumbled!

Yeah people will have different views on whether you can love your spouse and cheat on them, which will probably differ according to what their definition of love is.

Personally I think in this specific situation with it being a very long term affair that he didn’t want to let go off, I don’t see how he could be in love with you. It’s not like it was a drunken one night stand or even a short fling.

And the thing is, let’s not forget this a highly deceitful lying man so you can’t trust anything that comes out of his mouth. His saying he loves you means nothing because his word means nothing .

You need to examine his actions and see if they match up. IMO they clearly don’t match up .

but let’s say for arguments sake we take his words at face value and agree he loves you - look at what this man is capable of doing when he “loves” you. I mean sheesh if he was sleeping with both of you over the affair period he was risking your health/life. If this is his version of loving you, is it worth it? 😕

He has caused you significant trauma and he’s still centring himself. I’d like to think if I somehow ended up badly traumatising and deceiving someone I love, if I genuinely cared for them - I’d have the decency to put my feelings aside and let them walk away from the relationship with my blessings.

I think this makes it sound worse, not better.

And shows that it's a very selfish kind of love, which isn't the kind of love most of us want.

Loves his wife but feels entitled to that extra buzz, doesn't care if it will destroy his wife though, and he has such little respect for his wife that he thinks he can do what he likes and she doesn't get a say in whether she'd be ok with that.

After three years the affair relationship isn't new and buzzy anymore, it's a real relationship. I cannot believe that feelings aren't involved with the OW, after that length of time it's not "just sex". I believe that flings and ONS can be worked past as it is possible to have one and still love your spouse. But I think that it's incredibly rare in this type of affair for a person to genuinely love their spouse in anything other than a "family/shared history/ parent of my children" fondness type way. Certainly not the love I would want to have from my H.

You don't have to make a decision... sometimes it's enough of a decision to do nothing at all.
You maybe need more time to decide what you want.
Though I'm going to ask...you found a phone with a message that was from her to him...is there evidence he responded or there was more ?
It wasn't just her still chasing him ?

That wasn't just an affair... it was a whole other life.

That I bet is still ONGOING.

Please op... this man betrayed you for years and years. He never confessed, you found out. It'd still be going on now.

If he is capable of cheating years and years then it means he is compartmental about his life. He will do it again and again.

Put yourself first for once. Remember he broke your vows, not you.

Your new life is ahead of you, not behind.