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Original poster

Am I foolish to consider saving my marriage after husband had a long term affair

177 replies

Ilovemymusic · 24/03/2024 17:41

I honestly don't know where to start ! I found out 12 months ago that my husband was having a long term affair. It went on my 3/4 yrs . To say I was devastated is an unstatement . After I found out he denied it until he knew I had 100% proof . He promised it was over and it was me he wanted ,saying all the right things and I decided to give it another go as I was still in love with him and probably in denial..After 6 months he went away on a work trip while away I discovered a old phone of his that was still connected up to Facebook but it had no sim card , I heard messenger go off and low and behold it was her texting him , asking him was he enjoying his work trip . I just couldn't believe he was still in contact with her ..Up until this I hadn't told a single soul about his affair as I didn't want anyone knowing if I was going to stay . Once he got home I packed his bags but he wouldn't move out, so I moved into my own room ...I felt I had enough and told my family and my close friends that my marriage was over .. I went to a solicitor for advice and started separation process..Now he is all sorry , even cried several times saying " your the person I love and I realise now how lucky I was to have you " today he told me he can't imagine life without me ...I wish he would stop trying to fix it now as he is making me feel guilty for going ahead with separation...I do know all the neighbours know he had the affair as apparently most knew before I found out ...I was so sure I wanted out but today I have this doubt in my head saying " can I fix it ,should I throw away a 30 yr marriage. I'm still relatively young at 52 .. We have four children, one due to get married next yr .
..Why am I suddenly so conflicted ?? Have anyone come back from this ??

OP posts:
AmaryllisNightAndDay · 25/03/2024 10:24

Not exactly foolish, no. You have a lot invested in your marriage and of course you'd make a lot of effort to try to rescue it. But you've already tried very hard to save your marriage once a year ago, and it didn't work. So it's not going to work this time either.

he is making me feel guilty for going ahead with separation

That is deliberate. He is using tears and drama to draw you back in to the marriage, and as you say, to make you feel guilty. But once things calm down he will keep on doing what he has been doing before, either with this woman or someone else.

So it's wise to decide to go now.

pimplebum · 25/03/2024 10:27

Your crying had no affect on him

So not let his ( fake) crying affect you

You do not live ur respect someone you cheat on for 4 years

3luckystars · 25/03/2024 10:31

Freckles, that was a really honest reply but why did he make you cut your friend off like that? Was she involved?

You really paid the price for what you did and the ‘interest’ you had to pay on your mistake was enormous. I’m glad you are ok now x

MenopauseSucks · 25/03/2024 10:45

His tears are crocodile tears as he's been found out & divorce will cost him...

If your plans of divorce start to falter, ask yourself this.

How did your neighbours know he was having an affair???

Because he brought his affair, the OW into your home.

Your home.

He cared so little about you, he was bringing her into your home. Maybe even your bed.

bjrce · 25/03/2024 10:54

OP Don't be a fool! Take advice from a PP.

"He was crying because his solicitor told him I'd get more than 50 percent of house and I'd get 50 percent of business as it gets valued really high on a formula and if he wanted to buy me out he had to pay me valuation based on something like six and a half times last turnover year. He was told he'd have to share pension with me too. That's what had him crying not the thought of losing me. I did very well financially from the divorce."

Like him - This is exactly why your Husband is crying his crocodile tears. He has no intention of changing - if you stay with him now - he'll continue ( no matter what he promises! in his grief stricken state!) He's already proved that once the affair came out,

You need to be very selfish now- Its time to look after yourself, it sounds like your DC are at an age where they'll all moving on.

Stop feeling guilty and sorry for him - he certainly doesn't feel that way towards you! But get ready for him to get very nasty once he sees he's not going to get his own way.

Tell everyone about his behaviour that's humiliating the neighbours knowing about it also. What a horrible man!

caringcarer · 25/03/2024 10:55

MenopauseSucks · 25/03/2024 10:45

His tears are crocodile tears as he's been found out & divorce will cost him...

If your plans of divorce start to falter, ask yourself this.

How did your neighbours know he was having an affair???

Because he brought his affair, the OW into your home.

Your home.

He cared so little about you, he was bringing her into your home. Maybe even your bed.

That's how I found out my exh had cheated on me. My friend and neighbour saw him sneezing her out at 6am one morning when I was on holiday with DC in our caravan and he was joining us later at weekend. I'm so glad she told me. I couldn't sleep in my bed again though. I hated the fact she'd been in my home, and seen my things.

Ihearyousingingdownthewire · 25/03/2024 11:04

Freckles65 · 25/03/2024 10:23

I'm probably going to be absolutely slated for my post but I'm telling my story with the hope that it may help you and anyone else going through similar.

I'm ashamed to admit that 20 years ago I was unfaithful to my husband for a very long time. I tried many times to end it, sometimes for a year or so but in the end I was simply too weak, too selfish, too immature and lacked self worth to end it once and for all.

For me, it took being found out to sort it out.

When my husband discovered the truth I honestly thought he'd end it. But to my amazement he didn't. I remember him saying he didn't want to be a 'statistic' . He only confided in the wife of my illicit partner and a married couple who I didn't know very well and were not in our circle of friends.

He made it clear from the outset, if it was going to work then I had to agree to certain conditions. I was not permitted a mobile phone. I could not go out on my bicycle alone. I could not socialise or have contact with my best friend (she knew about it) I could not go to any social gatherings without him or the children. I had to answer any questions about the affair. I had to be honest. Naturally, I did all those things and did not push for my way on anything. Basically, I did not rock the boat. Slowly, slowly, the marriage began to repair, and he started to trust me again. After 5 years I was given a mobile for Xmas (a significant step).
At 50 I was diagnosed with Stage 3 cancer and that did change things for him. He softened and my life-long friend was allowed back into my life.

The only reason it worked for us is because we both wanted it to work. I was totally remorseful. I respected his conditions. Obviously, I have never made contact or wanted to make contact whatsoever with the other person. He too is still married and has not tried to make contact either.

I am eternally grateful I was given a second chance.

It is your marriage and your choice where you go from here. Howeve .... you found out, you gave him a second chance and he has done it again....

I wish you strength and resolve in whatever you decide to do. X

Jesus. That is fucked. His conditions, not just your affair.

HornyHornersPinkyWinky · 25/03/2024 11:16

I'm glad your doing better OP, stay strong and ignore his tears. I'm sure the solicitor will give you more information, but as caringcarer has said, he's likely only feeling sorry for the financial fallout of all this. It may well be why he refused to move out, maybe his solicitor advised against it.

Basically, he's not on your side anymore, he is not the person you thought you could trust with anything. I know that's very difficult to accept, but you need to put yourself first from now on. He has betrayed you in a horrible way, possibly bringing this woman to your house, at the very least parading her around where you live - what an asshole.

Also, don't get too bogged down in the whys of what he did, the sad truth is he did it because he could, because he wanted an ego boost.

ohthejoys21 · 25/03/2024 11:22

PaintedEgg · 24/03/2024 17:49

you are being very naive to think you can come back from this

he already checked out and fully engaged in a different relationship - physically and emotionally - and that he carried on for a long time

the reasons he wants to come back are the same reasons you have listed - divorce is a mess, he is used to being married to you, one of your kids is getting married...it would be a hassle to split now so he is trying to shove it under a rug

he does not love you and be will cheat again

Absolutely this, and I'm saying it as someone who has gone through the same. It's such a a massive upheaval but you don't have a choice as this will never last long term.

ItsFuckingBoringFeedingEveryoneUntilYouDie · 25/03/2024 11:52

There is no rush to decide, and you can call time at any point. Whether that is today, next week or in 10 years time.
MN is very black and white when it comes to infidelity. The rest of the world less so.

My H and I are currently working through reconciliation after his affair. He was convinced I was going to throw him out, so he left before I found out, and tried to start a new life with her. The reasons for his decision to have an affair are many, complicated and messy, on both sides. It is not as simple as him being a lying, cheating arsehole. He is a flawed human being, with many, many redeeming features, as am I.

When he asked to try again, after about a year separated, I am pretty sure the financial side did play a part for him, although I have a good career, pension etc. I had previously had a lot of legal advice and had already decided that if he wanted a divorce, he would have to own and drive that process. That way, he would have to take full responsibility for what he was going to lose financially, and he would have no excuse to take it out on me.

We continued to live apart for about 9 months after he first asked to come home. Long and the short was that regardless of why he asked to reconcile in the first place, the long term was more important to me. We are slowly rebuilding our connection, treating each other with far more kindness, love and respect than we had for a very long time.I haven't put conditions on him such as access to his phone. I don't want to live like that, controlling his every move. That is not who I am, and I am not putting someone in a cage like that. He has to demonstrate that he can be trusted without a leash, and show me that he wants to be here of his own free will.

I take it one day at a time but regularly remind myself what do I want in 10 minutes, 10 months, 10 years. The kneejerk reaction to lash out in (justifiable) pain won't help me achieve my long term desire for a happy and strong relationship. We are having more honest conversations than we have had in many, many years.

Reconciliation is not for the weak, it takes emotional strength like you will not believe. It is not the path of low self esteem as so many on MN would have you believe. It has actually been an incredible process of self discovery, learning about who I am and what I want from my life. It has forced me to dig into my own issues that I brought to the marriage and work those through, separate from my H's issues.

He also knows that if I even caught a whiff of another affair or contact with previous one, I am done. You can make a fool of me once, but don't try it again.

Original poster
Ilovemymusic · 25/03/2024 11:56

He also gaslit me for weeks , as when I first found the text messages, I didn't tell him for a few weeks as I was trying to gather more proof ,so instead of telling him I found the messages , I just said to him that I had this gut feeling that he may be cheating, he got very defensive and angry saying " you are a sick person to even suggest that and " how dare you say such a thing " only for I had the proof he definitely would have fooled me as he was sooo convincing.. So how could I trust someone like him ? Think I was just having a really bad day yesterday as today I feel stronger , and of course your response has really made me believe I'm doing the right thing by ending it ..

OP posts:
marmaladeandpeanutbutter · 25/03/2024 12:16

I think your biggest problem is the fact he's done it twice now. That's not a man who made a mistake over a short time period and wants to put it right.

It's important to work on your feelings of guilt? What's that about? He isn't a little boy. He should be the one feeling guilty, but instead it's you feeling that you are the one who can't see him in pain. Don't rescue him from his own poor choices. You are not his "parent ", with him as the naughty boy, with all that implies.

marmaladeandpeanutbutter · 25/03/2024 12:22

@Ilovemymusic I think that, once you have got over the shock, you'll feel very different about him in 3 months time. Even if you had decided to stay, you'd be thinking over all of these lies and mind games, and you could never feel the same. So good decision.

Pookerrod · 25/03/2024 12:24

I think love is complicated and I also think that he definitely can love you but also love his affair partner. Live isn’t finite.

That said, I couldn’t be with my husband if he also loved someone else.

Try to reframe this. You are not the one having to make the decisions. He made the decision to ruin you marriage by breaking your vows. It’s on him not you.

Of course he doesn’t want to divorce. He loves you and his life has been pretty perfect up to now. Loving wife, 4 kids, bit on the side….

But is that the life you want? If I was a betting girl, I’d wager that either this affair will continue or it won’t be his last if you stay together.

AmaryllisNightAndDay · 25/03/2024 12:31

I also think that he definitely can love you but also love his affair partner. Live isn’t finite.

I very much doubt he loves the other woman either, I'm not getting an impression of a man who can love anyone but himself. Some people are all take and have no love to give.

Ihearyousingingdownthewire · 25/03/2024 12:31

ItsFuckingBoringFeedingEveryoneUntilYouDie · 25/03/2024 11:52

There is no rush to decide, and you can call time at any point. Whether that is today, next week or in 10 years time.
MN is very black and white when it comes to infidelity. The rest of the world less so.

My H and I are currently working through reconciliation after his affair. He was convinced I was going to throw him out, so he left before I found out, and tried to start a new life with her. The reasons for his decision to have an affair are many, complicated and messy, on both sides. It is not as simple as him being a lying, cheating arsehole. He is a flawed human being, with many, many redeeming features, as am I.

When he asked to try again, after about a year separated, I am pretty sure the financial side did play a part for him, although I have a good career, pension etc. I had previously had a lot of legal advice and had already decided that if he wanted a divorce, he would have to own and drive that process. That way, he would have to take full responsibility for what he was going to lose financially, and he would have no excuse to take it out on me.

We continued to live apart for about 9 months after he first asked to come home. Long and the short was that regardless of why he asked to reconcile in the first place, the long term was more important to me. We are slowly rebuilding our connection, treating each other with far more kindness, love and respect than we had for a very long time.I haven't put conditions on him such as access to his phone. I don't want to live like that, controlling his every move. That is not who I am, and I am not putting someone in a cage like that. He has to demonstrate that he can be trusted without a leash, and show me that he wants to be here of his own free will.

I take it one day at a time but regularly remind myself what do I want in 10 minutes, 10 months, 10 years. The kneejerk reaction to lash out in (justifiable) pain won't help me achieve my long term desire for a happy and strong relationship. We are having more honest conversations than we have had in many, many years.

Reconciliation is not for the weak, it takes emotional strength like you will not believe. It is not the path of low self esteem as so many on MN would have you believe. It has actually been an incredible process of self discovery, learning about who I am and what I want from my life. It has forced me to dig into my own issues that I brought to the marriage and work those through, separate from my H's issues.

He also knows that if I even caught a whiff of another affair or contact with previous one, I am done. You can make a fool of me once, but don't try it again.

I honestly don’t know how you’ve come back from that.

GoldOtter · 25/03/2024 12:34

I'm a bit confused by the timeline and want to ask because I think it makes a difference. You say you found out about the affair 12 months ago and then 6 months after that, found the phone with no SIM, have I read that right?

If so, my questions would be 1) did he reply/engage in conversation with the OW or could it just have been her chasing him? and 2) what has his behaviour been like over the last 6 months? How does he know the OW? If it is through work, would she know he was going away and possibly have tried to hook up with him again but he didn't respond. Do you have reason to suspect he hasn't done as he promised?

Marriages are only reparable if both sides want it and are willing to put the work in. What work has he been putting in? Actions are stronger than words. He didn't leave when you asked him to, he didn't go to OW, if there any chance it WAS over and finished 12 months ago. Is there any more recent activity on his phone/Messenger regarding the OW. If he was contacting her, surely it would be safer to do it with a burner SIM in the old phone, not via Messenger.

I don't think you're foolish to consider staying with him IF his actions over the last 12 months have matched his words. If he has been NC with OW, and has been true to you for the last 12 months, then get to the bottom of the OW text 6 months ago. He obviously made bad choices whilst in the affair but I don't think your posts have given enough information about his behaviour SINCE. He can say whatever he wants but his actions are what proves his love now.

makeanddo · 25/03/2024 12:52

Only you know if you can live with this long term. Will you always be thinking about who he is with and what he's up to? For me the trust and respect would be gone.

You say you always put him first, of course many women do this - their needs last. Then it's still not enough because he (and many men) are very self centred and put themselves first. What will retirement with this man look like?

Surely after this the dynamic of the relationship will change in that you will put yourself and your children first. I think a lot of men would struggle with this frankly especially when, like your DH, they've been having their cake and eating it. To the outside world a great bloke with beautiful family and successful business, reality a cheating tosser with no morals.

To the poster who said that MN is black and white the rest of the world less so - men still own the world - women gas lit into thinking men have their needs etc. Reality is about being entitled and self centred - always their needs first.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 25/03/2024 12:57

Reconciliation is not for the weak, it takes emotional strength like you will not believe

Neither is calling it quits. Make whatever decisions you like for yourself but no need to slap down other people's considered choices.

Original poster
Ilovemymusic · 25/03/2024 13:19

Just to make things clear after I found out about his affair 12 months ago ,I then found a phone 6 months later that proved that they were still in contact and were planning on meeting up ,he had agreed to this with his message so I know the affair continued .That's what I can't move pass. After all my tears and keeping his dirty secret from our children, family ,and friends, that's how he repayed me with more deceit. I have told the children since and friends plus family but only after catching him the second time .

OP posts:
ItsFuckingBoringFeedingEveryoneUntilYouDie · 25/03/2024 13:20

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 25/03/2024 12:57

Reconciliation is not for the weak, it takes emotional strength like you will not believe

Neither is calling it quits. Make whatever decisions you like for yourself but no need to slap down other people's considered choices.

Not slapping down others. Got sick of being told on MN that I was weak and clearly had no self esteem.

Unless someone has tried reconciliation, they have zero idea what it is like. Yet time and again, this place diminishes and dismisses the knowledge and lived experiences of those of us who have.

Betterbuckleupbarbara · 25/03/2024 13:22

@ItsFuckingBoringFeedingEveryoneUntilYouDie

Better the devil you know springs to mind.

I’m truly sorry he did this to you.

I agree with @LyingWitchInTheWardrobe other choices are ok, and you don’t need to
just yours to yourself either, I can only imagine how precarious things may feel for you and I hope he doesn’t hurt you again. People can be extremely cruel to each other.

I can’t imagine coming back from continuing a relationship with someone who decided to have that deep of a connection whilst with me, call it ego if you will but I couldn’t tolerate it.

LifeExperience · 25/03/2024 13:32

He doesn't respect you, and where there is no respect there can be no love. He's upset and crying because he doesn't want his comfortable life to end, but he is the one who ended it. You need to make him leave. You will never be able to trust him again after he lied repeatedly to your face over many years. Move on and begin to heal. You have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about. You don't owe this selfish, self-centered, lying, cheating twat a damn thing. Be free.

Aria999 · 25/03/2024 13:32

The problem is he has proved you can't trust him when he says he wants to keep you. Because he said that while continuing the affair.

I don't think you can come back from that.

GoldOtter · 25/03/2024 13:38

Ilovemymusic · 25/03/2024 13:19

Just to make things clear after I found out about his affair 12 months ago ,I then found a phone 6 months later that proved that they were still in contact and were planning on meeting up ,he had agreed to this with his message so I know the affair continued .That's what I can't move pass. After all my tears and keeping his dirty secret from our children, family ,and friends, that's how he repayed me with more deceit. I have told the children since and friends plus family but only after catching him the second time .

Thank you for the clarification OP, I hadn't realised that there was more extensive messaging and that he'd replied to her.

Sometimes affairs take time to finish, just as marriages do. The fact is, life isn't a light switch, unfortunately.

What has life been like for the last 6 months. He clearly didn't want to leave you for OW. Have you tried counselling, either independently or together...or both?