Am I foolish to consider saving my marriage after husband had a long term affair

[Ilovemymusic]

I honestly don't know where to start ! I found out 12 months ago that my husband was having a long term affair. It went on my 3/4 yrs . To say I was devastated is an unstatement . After I found out he denied it until he knew I had 100% proof . He promised it was over and it was me he wanted ,saying all the right things and I decided to give it another go as I was still in love with him and probably in denial..After 6 months he went away on a work trip while away I discovered a old phone of his that was still connected up to Facebook but it had no sim card , I heard messenger go off and low and behold it was her texting him , asking him was he enjoying his work trip . I just couldn't believe he was still in contact with her ..Up until this I hadn't told a single soul about his affair as I didn't want anyone knowing if I was going to stay . Once he got home I packed his bags but he wouldn't move out, so I moved into my own room ...I felt I had enough and told my family and my close friends that my marriage was over .. I went to a solicitor for advice and started separation process..Now he is all sorry , even cried several times saying " your the person I love and I realise now how lucky I was to have you " today he told me he can't imagine life without me ...I wish he would stop trying to fix it now as he is making me feel guilty for going ahead with separation...I do know all the neighbours know he had the affair as apparently most knew before I found out ...I was so sure I wanted out but today I have this doubt in my head saying " can I fix it ,should I throw away a 30 yr marriage. I'm still relatively young at 52 .. We have four children, one due to get married next yr .
..Why am I suddenly so conflicted ?? Have anyone come back from this ??

Don’t project your goodness onto him. So he saw you cry and went back to her. He’s repeatedly hurt you. I would go back to the solicitor and begin proceedings.

This wasn't a one time mistake; he's chosen to do this for years when he could have stopped. You deserve better than that.

He’s only crying because he feels sorry for himself. Not for the pain he’s caused you and the children. So he’ll cry and beg and say how much he loves you. But he’s just doing all that for himself. He’s trying to manipulate you into feeling sorry for him.

Please don't feel sorry for him. He did this and the only people who deserve sympathy are you and the children!

The next stage is when you say you’re going through with the divorce. Watch his tears quickly turn to anger. He might say things like you’re in for a big court battle now. Tell you that you’re going to be sad and alone for the rest of your life etc.

If he truly felt like he made a mistake he wouldn’t have gone back to her in the first place. He would have worked on your marriage and put 100% into saving it

My friend had this. She got the house, half of two pensions. £3k a month from the business.

The OW who he married hates her because she now has a lovely life as a single woman and the OW is stuck in a flat with an older man who's taken early retirement due to ill health, so she's his carer.

Doncha love karma

If you let him back into your life, why would he need to stop being unfaithful in the future? He's already done it once after you gave him another chance. He doesn't respect you at all.
Agree that the tears will turn to anger. Remember to let him know regularly it's his fault the home has broken up etc as he will blame you at every turn.
Those tears will not only be for the financial hit but the thought of cooking, cleaning, washing his own clothes etc and also having to actively parent his children eow.
Obviously stop all the 'caring' you do for him right now.

He probably loves you as his best friend and mother to his kids. He’s crying because he knows life is about to get expensive and complicated and he will be judged by the kids etc. He’s not crying because he hurt you.

Your 50s are the best years. Freedom, suiting yourself. Time to end this marriage and move forward.

I think it is possible to cheat and still love your partner, but not be in love with them. What is lost however is much much more than love, its trust, respect, honesty and the partnership. I could never forgive a one night stand, never mind a long term affair however only you can decide what is right to do. I wish you well in whatever decision you make.

I'm sorry OP, your husband has crossed the line that matters the most. From this info I'd assume affairs, flings, random indescretions through the 30 years. You can still cherish the nice, loving parts of your marriage, appreciate that and then say goodbye. You can move on to a life of trust. You really don't need to accept this, how soul destroying for you. It's hard to see now but you will be happy, have self respect and be peaceful.

I completely understand your conflicting emotions OP, but your husband has trampled over you and your marriage vows not once, but over and over again.

He's lied and lied to your face, until he knew you knew, then had to confess.

He's only sorry now he's facing divorce and is trying to gaslight and guilt trip you into staying, BECAUSE IT SUITS HIM!

Be brave OP.....you can make a better life for yourself and you don't need another man to do that!

........and how the hell did all the neighbours know? Did not one of them think to tell you?

Thank you for your replies ,I really appreciate them all ,and will keep reading them to keep me strong .. I have an appointment with my solicitor later in the week so I'm going to go ahead with the separation.. I just can't move past the fact that he saw how devastated his betrayal done to me but still stayed in contact and was planning on meeting up again ,so clearly it never ended when he said it had . He would have alot to lose as we have a successful business so I'm not going to be a fool and settle for less than I deserve.I have a physical pain in my heart over all of this .I'm just shocked as why he had to go elsewhere as I thought we had a strong happy marriage with a regular and good sex life . I always put him first and I truly loved him .It's amazing that it wasn't enough for him , to think he has just ruined my life and also to do it to his children. What was he thinking?? When we married, we had very little and through the yrs we have build up a business and I also have a job outside the business and things were good ..We never took many holidays as he was always working and to be honest I never complained, now is when we could be enjoying our hard work as our sons are old enough to look after the business but it's too late now ..Such a stupid man to throw it all away for someone who clearly had no morals as she knew he was married and she lives quite local ..

There’s no unpicking it @Ilovemymusic you can try and understand the whys and wherefores until the cows come home, it will just make you ill. Most of the time there’s no thing you did, there’s not a crucial point. It will be that bit by bit he gave himself permission to do it. A look, then a shared joke, then a few messages, bit by bit people will cross a new line and sometimes look up and go shit how did I get here.

But there’s not really a coming back from it in my opinion, he’s broken your trust and he gave himself permission to cross those lines. Don’t get tied up blaming yourself or thinking there’s something bad about you.

Most people give themselves permission to slide down the slippery slope because of how someone makes them feel. You could look like Adriana Lima and she a little Gollum but it is the ego boost they like, the attention.

They start to see themselves in a ‘new’ mirror if you will. This particularly happens at work because people present the best side of themselves to work.

Be really easy on yourself and lean on friends and family, you need to give yourself reprieves during the day to not think about it all to give your mind a break.

You will be okay, it’s just a matter of time.

My friend is a couple of years down the line now, 30 year marriage, met when they were at University. When OW revelation finally came out he left. She is also not bothered about meeting someone else, I believe her but loads of people don’t.

You gave him a chance, that was more than many would have done. He is crying because he has been found out DO NOT FEEL SORRY FOR HIM. Apologies for shouting but you need to not let this cloud your judgement on what to do. You need to make sure that asset split is fair. You are a much nicer person than I am.

All you need to do is go and see the best divorce solicitors in your area. See the best couple for a free consultation, it then means he cannot use them as it’s a conflict of interest. Take notes , ask questions and write down what they say. Then decide who of the two will fight your corner the best.

I know it’s hard, my friend was an absolute wreck for a while. I was there for her and was angry on behalf of her. She found her anger eventually. You will experience many emotions and they will come and go. Whatever you feel is
is how you feel at the time there is no right or wrong but the pity means he could take advantage of that. Plus let your children know, don’t protect his image. Just simple facts about why you are breaking up and not a character assassination as he is still their Dad. My friends children as older teens got the simple truth and then made up their own minds.

You will get through this 100%.

You need your cheerleaders, I hope you have some in real life but MN is very good at supporting women going through this. It’s sadly a regular occurrence so we will be your online cheerleaders, I’m a bit older than you and my high kicks are at what they used to be but they are there.

This man lied to you and broke his vows to you every day for 4 years. He fell in love with someone else. You found out and gave him another chance but he blew it again by breaking his promise to you it was over. You'd be mad to stay with him. OP you won't be throwing away 30 years of marriage. You still had those 30 years even if you shared him for the last 4 years. No one can take those years away from you. You gave him a second chance most would not have done and if he'd loved you he'd have worked hard to be faithful to you. He doesn't love you or he'd not have betrayed you. You are doing the right thing by divorcing him. Show your DC not to tolerate cheating. Don't be the doormat he continues to trample over whilst enjoying his OW. I know you've been together a long time. I was with my exh for 22 years until he cheated on me. I divorced him and never looked back. I remarried and have been really happily married and in love with DH now for 18 years. You can move on you are still only 52. Lots more fish in the sea who will want you and only you.

He is indeed a very stupid man to throw away everything he's built up with you for the illicit thrill of an affair, as I've no doubt that's what is was.

He certainly wasn't thinking of you

OP you are worth so much more. The reality is he checked out ages ago, has another relationship but doesn’t want the mess of a divorce nor the financial hit.

That’s it really, men are not that complicated and will usually take the path of least resistance, leaving others to deal with their lazy choices.

He doesn’t want the marriage, so you need to cut him off emotionally, stone cold essential engagement only and focus 100% on what you want - and you don’t want a man who is too selfish to consider you in his life choices.

All easier said than done, but your life with him was over the second he started another relationship.

Do not regret your marriage for the first 30 years like @caringcarer says, however your marriage has run its course and unforgivable the way your DH has exited though.

I hope you are being kind to yourself but firm with him, and don’t hold onto something broken, we throw broken things away. I really feel for you.

@Ilovemymusic, my DH and I had a lovely 4 bedroom home, 3 DC, a successful business a caravan and a cat. We had a good sex life too. Yet my exh cheated on me. The pain was unbearable. I found out after a few months because he wasn't a very good liar. After I started divorce procedures and my exh went to see a solicitor he came back begging me to forgive him and give him a second chance. I didn't because I believe marriage is a contract and he ripped it up by sleeping with someone else. I knew I could never sleep with him again after that. I had the humiliation of having to go to get a STI test. Anyway he was crying because his solicitor told him I'd get more than 50 percent of house and I'd get 50 percent of business as it gets valued really high on a formula and if he wanted to buy me out he had to pay me valuation based on something like six and a half times last turnover year. He was told he'd have to share pension with me too. That's what had him crying not the thought of losing me. I did very well financially from the divorce. I'd far rather have stayed married to a faithful husband but he made the choice once he cheated on me. I've not looked back and despite thinking I wouldn't want anyone else I did remarry again.

He has betrayed you in the worst way possible. Over and over. With the same woman.

For me, there’d be no coming back from it. And I’d make sure everyone knew what he’d done.

And, as ever, get some solid legal advice as to what you’re entitled to/how things will be split.

You sound strong and sure OP. Deep down you know separating is the right decision. And you didn't throw away anything - he did.

@Ilovemymusic what a very stupid man. Has he said why he remained in contact/re-started communication with her despite having promised you it was ended with her? I think it's important for you to know why.

He has carried on the affair as evidenced by messaging a different phone and the fact she knew where he was. He will carry on the affair still because you knew about it before and you stayed. So the same will happen again. He will promise it won't but it will because you have in effect allowed to to continue.

HE did it.

You are not making him cry, you are letting him cry.

It’s normal to question yourself at a point like this, but you know that you know that you know, he is not just a cheater, he is a liar. You have to look after yourself.

The very best of luck x x

You're doing the right thing by leaving him. You'll never be able to trust him again.

Would you be able to buy him out of the house?

@Ilovemymusic you say she's quite local to you. I would wonder how on earth they managed to keep it secret for so long. I would also wonder if people had seen them together.

I'm probably going to be absolutely slated for my post but I'm telling my story with the hope that it may help you and anyone else going through similar.

I'm ashamed to admit that 20 years ago I was unfaithful to my husband for a very long time. I tried many times to end it, sometimes for a year or so but in the end I was simply too weak, too selfish, too immature and lacked self worth to end it once and for all.

For me, it took being found out to sort it out.

When my husband discovered the truth I honestly thought he'd end it. But to my amazement he didn't. I remember him saying he didn't want to be a 'statistic' . He only confided in the wife of my illicit partner and a married couple who I didn't know very well and were not in our circle of friends.

He made it clear from the outset, if it was going to work then I had to agree to certain conditions. I was not permitted a mobile phone. I could not go out on my bicycle alone. I could not socialise or have contact with my best friend (she knew about it) I could not go to any social gatherings without him or the children. I had to answer any questions about the affair. I had to be honest. Naturally, I did all those things and did not push for my way on anything. Basically, I did not rock the boat. Slowly, slowly, the marriage began to repair, and he started to trust me again. After 5 years I was given a mobile for Xmas (a significant step).
At 50 I was diagnosed with Stage 3 cancer and that did change things for him. He softened and my life-long friend was allowed back into my life.

The only reason it worked for us is because we both wanted it to work. I was totally remorseful. I respected his conditions. Obviously, I have never made contact or wanted to make contact whatsoever with the other person. He too is still married and has not tried to make contact either.

I am eternally grateful I was given a second chance.

It is your marriage and your choice where you go from here. Howeve .... you found out, you gave him a second chance and he has done it again....

I wish you strength and resolve in whatever you decide to do. X