Am I foolish to consider saving my marriage after husband had a long term affair

[Ilovemymusic]

I honestly don't know where to start ! I found out 12 months ago that my husband was having a long term affair. It went on my 3/4 yrs . To say I was devastated is an unstatement . After I found out he denied it until he knew I had 100% proof . He promised it was over and it was me he wanted ,saying all the right things and I decided to give it another go as I was still in love with him and probably in denial..After 6 months he went away on a work trip while away I discovered a old phone of his that was still connected up to Facebook but it had no sim card , I heard messenger go off and low and behold it was her texting him , asking him was he enjoying his work trip . I just couldn't believe he was still in contact with her ..Up until this I hadn't told a single soul about his affair as I didn't want anyone knowing if I was going to stay . Once he got home I packed his bags but he wouldn't move out, so I moved into my own room ...I felt I had enough and told my family and my close friends that my marriage was over .. I went to a solicitor for advice and started separation process..Now he is all sorry , even cried several times saying " your the person I love and I realise now how lucky I was to have you " today he told me he can't imagine life without me ...I wish he would stop trying to fix it now as he is making me feel guilty for going ahead with separation...I do know all the neighbours know he had the affair as apparently most knew before I found out ...I was so sure I wanted out but today I have this doubt in my head saying " can I fix it ,should I throw away a 30 yr marriage. I'm still relatively young at 52 .. We have four children, one due to get married next yr .
..Why am I suddenly so conflicted ?? Have anyone come back from this ??

No you can’t be in love with your spouse and have an affair. you can try and square that circle as much as you like, but you don’t do that to people you love.

he is crying because of consequences. For himself. Nothing else.

He wants to be the one making the choice to end your marriage, not you. Honestly, every single moment of those months he was betraying you - with every text, every date, every time they had sex. For him to start it up again after seeing you so distraught is really awful.

He may well love you, but what does love mean when someone betrays you so much, knowing how badly it hurts you? What does it mean when someone can lie to you while looking straight at you? It's not a love that I would want.

I would end it while he's so firmly in the wrong. If you stay with him and then realise you can't cope, you'll face all the cries that you are the one breaking up the marriage.

I no it must be hard but I could never stay with someone who has cheated go with your gut once a cheater always one that's what I think

My ex had an affair. Started as an emotional affair, assured me it was over, two years later I found out it had escalated. He was contrite, very sorry, want to be with you etc.

We stayed together for 10 years. And I never got over it. I lost all respect for him, looked at everything he did through a different lens. Two years ago I told him I wanted to separate.

It wasn't easy, we have an autistic child together, but the divorce will be finalised soon. I feel much lighter in myself, friends and colleagues have commented that I'm happier. I'm 50.

And the ex? Is with the other woman. Although hasn't yet had the balls to tell me. Much like he didn't have the balls to tell me about the affair. I'm biding my time.

Familiarity is no reason to stay in a relationship where your partner has no respect for you. And he doesn't, does he, to carry on a 4 year relationship with someone else. He checked out of your marriage, not you.

Don’t doubt yourself. He has treated you terribly. Firstly he has cheated on you for years, he didn’t even give you the courtesy of honesty when you rumbled him, instead only admitting it when you had 100% proof. He told you it was over when it wasn’t. Now he is sorry? Only now when he thinks you are actually serious about leaving him and the reality has hit him that he has a lot to lose.

It’s up to you of course. I think relationships can move past affairs but if this is it for you I wouldn’t be surprised. I would carry on getting legal advice, confiding in friends and family and preparing to move on with your life.

That's a fairly long-term affair. You found out and were giving it another go and then discovered contact again, after he had apologised and said that you were the one for him, that he was still in contact with this woman. That's not love on his part.

What he's doing now isn't love either, it's extreme disrespect. I don't know what the financial impact for him would be, but who cares? His tears are all for him, what he loses from the marriage.

I think it would be impossible to believe or trust him again. How could you ever know?

You're in a position of strength, you've already started the mechanism to end your marriage and I believe that you'll be happier once you can start again without this inauthentic man lying to you again and again.

Best wishes to you.

==

BirthdayRainbow, if you like to believe that men/women in love can have affairs then that's your opinion but don't refer to people who would never think this as emotionally unintelligent. I'm sure you wouldn't like that levied at you for your view.

I think so, yes. I think it has to be damaging to your psychological well-being deep down even if day-to-day you can be happy.

Only you know what you can forgive and forget. However, I should say that he is guilt tripping you, he is the one how denied it, the one who lied and still is lying, the one who doesn't want you to divorce because he doesn't want to others to discover he is a liar and a cheater.
It looks to me that he doesn't want you to end the marriage not because he respect you and love you, is doing it because he is afraid of the consequences of everyone knowing he is a selfish cheater and can't be trusted.

He wants it all and he’s bleating because he knows he’s about to lose it.

if he truly loved you he wouldn’t put you through so much pain- the first affair, going back to the affair after he saw how much agony it caused you, crying and making you feel guilty now when you have found the strength to know your own worth.

Hes entirely focused on himself.

Im so sorry he’s hurt you. Find your anger. He doesn’t deserve your sympathy or empathy or concern.

You need to get the split formalised financially and start living again. Focus on you (and your kids). You can do this.

I don't want to be cruel, but he's probably crying because he's realised how much his divorce is going to cost him.

Half his pension, the house will be split and equity divided, I imagine with his working away and what not, you probably did the bulk of the housework, so his domestic servant has now gone.

His DC will have lost respect for him, as will his family. If he was planning on retiring at,say, 60, the divorce could well push that back 5 or 10 years financially, unless he sets up with his affair partner and she's well off.

The reality is, he wants things to continue as they are; a happy home life with you and a side piece to shag when he fancies and all the financial benefits he's built up over the last few decades with you.

But you deserve better than that, you'll never respect him again, I doubt you can even look at him the same way.

He's only feeling sorry for himself, so please don't fall for his apologies, they're worthless.

@LyingWitchInTheWardrobe you are right and I apologise and take it back. I was away thinking what to post and got distracted by a poorly pet so you beat me to it.

I do feel that good people do bad things. I do feel that one can love someone and do bad things. I've lived it. I've had the experience and I think people aren't black and white.

My suggestion (as always) is get yourself on Surviving Infidelity.

it’s an amazing site and the posters there can guide you from an informed point of view.

Discussing reconciliation on MN always comes with a health warning.

People can and do survive affairs and rebuild their marriages. More than you’d think from MN.

Whether you should will take painful introspection and his absolute focus on becoming a safe partner. If those two things can happen you have a chance but tbh I think in general cheats are a bad bet. Most can’t be bothered to put in the hard work when it’s needed so the attempt to repair fails.

As you read the comments here though please bear in mind that ‘MOST’ affairs show a failing in the cheat, not in the relationship and certainly not in the betrayed.

But Surviving Infidelity is the site to go to for ongoing support even if you do decide to divorce.

Please check it out.

From my experience of affairs, one of his major concerns will be the financial impact a divorce will have. The ideal would have been for things to have continued as they were

Ah op, I'm so sorry. He's let you down, hurt and betrayed you not once but twice.

I do think marriages are complicated things and sometimes it can get very difficult but still be worth saving and investing in. The one thing you need though, is for both parties to be EQUALLY dedicated to working at it, GENUINE remorse for what he's done and he needs to really think about what changes he needs to make going forwards including a real willingness to commit to relationship counselling and individual counselling. Only you can know if those things exist in your circumstances or not.

I don't think that anyone is foolish for trying to work at their marriage unless it's destructive to themselves or their children. So no yanbu to consider it, but I think you need to take some time and consider if he's actually remorseful or if he's going to do the same again in future.

I personally would continue with the steps you've been taking towards separation and if you wanted, you could do the counselling alongside that. There's no one right way to do things, so I would say the best move here is to take time, let yourself grieve the relationship you thought you had and then allow yourself space to figure out what YOU actually want. You don't owe him anything here. Your kids hopefully would rather you're happy single than miserable married so you don't owe them anything either. You do owe yourself happiness and fulfilment in your one life and only you can know what that needs to look like.

As you read the comments here though please bear in mind that ‘MOST’ affairs show a failing in the cheat, not in the relationship and certainly not in the betrayed.

^^absolutely!

Is he a high earner OP? Very successful in business? If so, he probably has a lot to lose financially if you go through with the divorce, so he's shitting himself.

The problem for you is your relationship can never go back to what it was. Even if you try and reconcile, you are just patching up the cracks, you cannot fix it on your own....he didn't even stop contacting her when you found out the first time - how will you ever trust him again? He may well be regretful, but I doubt it's because of the hurt he has caused you. He had several years of lying to you and deceiving you and never came clean.

I'm sorry you're going through such an emotional upheaval, but please don't fall for his tears, they are only for himself.

And as I said - you can always divorce. But - on a pragmatic level - starting from scratch and dating at 52 is not great. A few of my divorced friends in mid 40/early 50s group report that it's not an easy age to date

this would be an insane reason to stay with someone. OP is a strong woman with her own agency, she doesn’t need to be attached to a man to exist or be successful

OP- he has betrayed you, been given a chance and betrayed you again. HE has fucked it and is learning that actions have consequences that cannot be smoothed over by false promises

He’s a lying sniveling two faced rat. Sniveling now as the realization of what divorce is going to cost him. I don’t know how after what he has put you through, the lies the betrayal, how you could imagine ever living with or trusting him again.

That's nice of you but no need to apologise. I don't disagree that good people do bad things and really, there is no black and white. Love is so much more over-arching and enduring; it's painful to think of love stopping whereas a temporary hiatus is perhaps a bit more palatable.

I too believe that people make poor decisions sometimes and quite often, they get away with it - then they don't and the sky falls in. There was nothing different in the behaviour, just the outcome.

Hope your pet recovers soon.

He does seem to be an idiot, but he does seem to love you too. And long relationships can get stale - personally I can not imagine being with the same person since my 20s and staying interested in them for 30years+.

What a load of victim-blaming bollocks, @Sashya .

What makes you think the h loves op? He's got a fucking strange way showing it 🙄

And him cheating is understandable because they have been together so long?

Crap.

Give your head a wobble.

It is possible but you both have to really want to start again.

He doesn’t - he just wants to have his cake and eat it.

I am very sorry OP, but please press on and get a fresh start

he is making me feel guilty for going ahead with separation

HE is making YOU feel guilty?

should I throw away a 30 year marriage

You think YOU would be the one throwing away the marriage?

How has he managed to have a 3-4 year affair and make you be the one who is feeling guilty and responsible?

He’s a pathological liar. He’ll say whatever you want to hear, sound so sincere and keep lying to you. As you’ve discovered, he will never stop lying.

His pattern of behaviour is so similar to that a friend went through with her H. But more and more revelations came out till she dumped him.

Your h is of this pathologically lying type of man.

He does seem to be an idiot, but he does seem to love you too. And long relationships can get stale - personally I can not imagine being with the same person since my 20s and staying interested in them for 30years+.

is a quote. Not my words!!!