Am I foolish to consider saving my marriage after husband had a long term affair

[Ilovemymusic]

I honestly don't know where to start ! I found out 12 months ago that my husband was having a long term affair. It went on my 3/4 yrs . To say I was devastated is an unstatement . After I found out he denied it until he knew I had 100% proof . He promised it was over and it was me he wanted ,saying all the right things and I decided to give it another go as I was still in love with him and probably in denial..After 6 months he went away on a work trip while away I discovered a old phone of his that was still connected up to Facebook but it had no sim card , I heard messenger go off and low and behold it was her texting him , asking him was he enjoying his work trip . I just couldn't believe he was still in contact with her ..Up until this I hadn't told a single soul about his affair as I didn't want anyone knowing if I was going to stay . Once he got home I packed his bags but he wouldn't move out, so I moved into my own room ...I felt I had enough and told my family and my close friends that my marriage was over .. I went to a solicitor for advice and started separation process..Now he is all sorry , even cried several times saying " your the person I love and I realise now how lucky I was to have you " today he told me he can't imagine life without me ...I wish he would stop trying to fix it now as he is making me feel guilty for going ahead with separation...I do know all the neighbours know he had the affair as apparently most knew before I found out ...I was so sure I wanted out but today I have this doubt in my head saying " can I fix it ,should I throw away a 30 yr marriage. I'm still relatively young at 52 .. We have four children, one due to get married next yr .
..Why am I suddenly so conflicted ?? Have anyone come back from this ??

I couldn't get over this. I personally would be done

It isn't remarkable really. She'd be more remarkable if she had the strength to live without someone who's brought her so much heartache but it's her life.

How insulting.

I think @Freckles65 IS remarkable because she is choosing HER best life...like, you know, for HER. Your opinion of her choices holds no worth.

Edited to say tagged wrong User: meant to tag @ItsFuckingBoringFeedingEveryoneUntilYouDie !

It wasn't a once off.

It was a prolonged affair - he had a choice to stop every single time. He didn't just cheat one. He cheated on multiple occasions.

He turned on you when found out.

Then a third time, he recommenced things & that is even of they ever stopped.

He isn't crying for you or your marraige. He's crying for performance reasons or if genuine tears, they are for his bank balance & the discomfort he will feel during the fallout.

He is convincing because he doesn’t actually want to lose you. You have been together 30 years. He is probably being truthful when he says he loves you.

But all that said, how he feels shouldn’t be a consideration of yours. Only how you feel.

You know you can’t trust him to be faithful. So do you want a marriage where he has affairs? I suspect not.

Yes love is traditionally characterised by repeated lying and disrespect. And exposure to disease.

OP, if you do decide to continue with your marriage will you be making yourself a 'war chest'? That was advice from my Nan, every woman should have one, she said. If all goes well you'll never need it but if not, you'll thank your lucky stars that you had it.

This would consist of copies of all paperwork, everything that pertains to your marriage, your home, the business and any other assets that you have.

It might sound like overkill but your husband is crying now because he's thinking of what he materially standards to lose (money, assets, etc.). That is why I'm suggesting that you quietly put together everything you might need in the event that you decide to pull the plug... or he does.

Some men cry, convince their wives to forgive them, then carry on as they were but, something's changed and it's not a shock to them again when they get caught out... they're ready for a fight.

Getting things in order - just in case - can only benefit you.

wtf? This woman’s H tried to leave for another woman and then came crawling back when it didn’t work out, and she let him. How is that remarkable?

Well I agree with you as it certainly isn’t how I show my love for someone but I think that has more to do with my moral compass. (And the fact that I grew up with a father who was a serial philanderer.)

Some people’s moral compass is off or not aligned with their other half or their marriage vows! But I do believe that there are plenty of situations where someone can love more than 1 person. I can believe that if the OP’s husband has been with her for 30 years, raised 4 kids together, shared the majority of their adult lives with each other, then is it very possible that he does love her. Just not enough to be faithful unfortunately.

And this is what I mean about the judgemental attitudes in this place when it comes to infidelity.

You know nothing about me, my life, my family or achievements other than a few short paragraphs on one specific aspect, but think you know all about me. You know nothing. Nor do you know anything about him. Or what we went through before he left, while he was gone and since he moved home.

Deciding to reconcile our marriage is not a decision I took lightly. And it was not taken from a place of weakness. I know I could live without him. I did it, and a lot more besides. I am a very different woman to the one he left.

But you and @Cupcake135 and others can all judge away as much as you like. If you had asked me before it happened, I would have had a similar attitude.

I am a remarkable woman. What I have done with my life has been amazing so far. And has nothing to do with my marital status. That is just a very small part of who I am.

@ItsFuckingBoringFeedingEveryoneUntilYouDie

I can see the temptation but you know you really don't need to justify yourself to randoms on the internet 🙂

For someone who's supposedly made the right decision for themselves you're certainly very defensive.

You know nothing about me, my life, my family or achievements other than a few short paragraphs on one specific aspect, but think you know all about me.

I mean, we're strangers on the internet - how could we possibly know all about you and the ins and outs of the situation? All we can do is give our opinion based on our views, and how we imagine we would deal with the situation ourselves, just as I'm sure you do when posting.

I think when hearing about an anonymous situation (as in the OP's), it's very easy to be cut and dry about it. You may well have thought before it all happened to you that you would have acted differently, until the time came.

I'm sure the OP will do what's right for herself regardless of what we all say.

You are of course correct. I just get so sick of the one dimensional nature of this place sometimes.

Yes, I agree, MN is a weird place sometimes. Maybe because it's made up of mostly women, who are usually the wronged parties in cheating situations.

Although it bothers me how much we seem to chastise women for not acting the way we want them to.

You said it yourself, Itsfuckingboring, nobody here knows what you marriage is like, what your husband is like, even what you're like. You talked of a set of circumstances that you know all about because you were enmeshed in them.

Anybody posting here can only overlay themselves into the situation that you describe and that is what they do. They then make a judgement call based on that - for themselves, with what you've stated.

It's really not personal but also not something that you should take to heart, please don't. Your life choices are your own and we all have them.

Yes, I think you're doing the right thing. You already gave him another chance, and he failed.

He wouldn't even delete her from social media which is a simple thing to do if he was really interested in saving his marriage.

You said he's a very, very convincing liar, so his tears and all that are lies too.

Expect him to turn nasty when he realizes he isn't getting his way.

He gaslit you when you found evidence.
Lied to you when he realised he’d been rumbled.
Went behind your back again to continue the affair.
Refused counselling .
Refuses to block all contact.

You can feel vindicated in leaving as this man is not a safe partner. A man who carried on such a long affair is unlikely to be anyway.
I'm sorry this is happening to you 💐.

Choosing to stay after your partner has cheated is by no means the easy option.

Staying today doesn't mean someone can't leave later if they need to.

This I'm afraid!

It’s such a long affair that the OW probably has more the status of a second wife in a polygamous situation in his eyes. It wouldn’t be easy to end it and he has been so used to lying to you for years it would be difficult for him to become honest of his own accord and desire.

You are doing the right thing OP. He cannot be trusted.

@Ilovemymusic I’m so sorry this has happened to you. He sadly isn’t a safe partner for you, he didn’t and won’t go NC with his affair partner so I think you are doing the right thing. It’s a huge and daunting step to take but I’m your shoes I would do the same thing. Reconciliation is sometimes possible and worth trying, but not in these circumstances. Be kind to yourself, ending such a long marriage must be devastating, even if in the circumstances it’s the right thing to do. My heart goes out to you.
@ItsFuckingBoringFeedingEveryoneUntilYouDie I think you were defending yourself quite understandably from very unkind remarks aimed at you. Just as there’s a script for cheating, there’s a script on here for what those cheated on “should” do next, regardless of circumstances, and all cheats are branded as exactly the same irredeemable “type”, there’s no room for redemption or for possibility of being able to change, or possibilities for personal growth allowed for. MN isn’t a safe place for those who want to try to reconcile to talk about it, however open-minded and supportive of women it purports to be. One size never fits all, none of us are the same or think the same and there should be room for all opinions without fear of unkindness. I hope it all works out for you.

It sounds like a cliche but find your anger op, how dare he even be around someone like you. He doesn’t deserve you.

He can look in the mirror and see a cheat, you can look in the mirror and see someone who respected your marriage. Concentrate on you. What do you want, not what he wants.

You would not be throwing your marriage away - he has done that. Not only did he have an affair, he tried to gaslight you about it, then he carried it on after you found out. Why would you stay with this man who clearly has no respect for you? If this is what he does despite professing he loves you, then clearly his love isn’t worth having.

Better to be on your own than with a man who treats you like this, and always wondering if he is doing it again. Find your anger and self-respect and divorce him.

Best of luck, OP.