Am I foolish to consider saving my marriage after husband had a long term affair

[Ilovemymusic]

I honestly don't know where to start ! I found out 12 months ago that my husband was having a long term affair. It went on my 3/4 yrs . To say I was devastated is an unstatement . After I found out he denied it until he knew I had 100% proof . He promised it was over and it was me he wanted ,saying all the right things and I decided to give it another go as I was still in love with him and probably in denial..After 6 months he went away on a work trip while away I discovered a old phone of his that was still connected up to Facebook but it had no sim card , I heard messenger go off and low and behold it was her texting him , asking him was he enjoying his work trip . I just couldn't believe he was still in contact with her ..Up until this I hadn't told a single soul about his affair as I didn't want anyone knowing if I was going to stay . Once he got home I packed his bags but he wouldn't move out, so I moved into my own room ...I felt I had enough and told my family and my close friends that my marriage was over .. I went to a solicitor for advice and started separation process..Now he is all sorry , even cried several times saying " your the person I love and I realise now how lucky I was to have you " today he told me he can't imagine life without me ...I wish he would stop trying to fix it now as he is making me feel guilty for going ahead with separation...I do know all the neighbours know he had the affair as apparently most knew before I found out ...I was so sure I wanted out but today I have this doubt in my head saying " can I fix it ,should I throw away a 30 yr marriage. I'm still relatively young at 52 .. We have four children, one due to get married next yr .
..Why am I suddenly so conflicted ?? Have anyone come back from this ??

Sorry that you're in pain OP. Your post here is an important reminder for anyone who thinks it is the right thing to keep infidelity under wraps, for whatever reason, whether to protect certain individuals, or for shame. It is rarely the right decision to keep these things secret. It is much more healthy to get everything out in the open. I'd be fuming that your neighbours knew before you and nobody thought to tell you? Cowards.

I've been to counselling on my own as he wouldn't go ,anyway I think he'd only lie about his feelings for OW as he says he never loved her ,yet he stayed unfaithful to me for up to 4 yrs .. I just hate the upheaval of divorce but honestly there is probably nothing left to save .. It's just he is soooo convincing when he says he doesn't want to lose me .. I just can't figure him out even though I've been married to him 30 yrs ..

Yes. It's like you don't know who he is. Who he really is.

When people say this I always think that the person must be a mirror as in, 'he' isn't really anybody, he mirrors whoever he is with at the time.

Since he didn’t really give her up the first time I think staying with him means he will feel ok to try again. It’s probably impossible to regain trust now. If he had active her up maybe. But twice , no.

I think you should cut your losses OP. Your H might want to be in the marriage, but only if he can have the OW too. He didn't choose you the first time you found out, he merely chose both of you. My point being, he's only got one foot in your marriage, so you could end up losing it anyway whether you forgive again or not.
Then there's his lies which tell you everything you need to know about his respect for you. Plus his willingness to hurt you again after seeing what that looked like before, which tells you all you need to know about his love for you.
You're 52 OP, if you think starting again is hard now, imagine it at 60 or whenever you find out he's done it again. Of course there are stories where forgiveness of an affair results in a good ongoing marriage. But never where the cheat has no care, no real remorse and an inability to give up the affair partner.

If he didn't want to lose you, he'd be doing everything he could to save his marriage, and that would include counselling and telling the truth. Sadly, if he's not willing to do that, then he's not willing to do anything/everything.

You're basically looking at the different questions - 1) can you forgive (whilst not forgetting) him for the affair and 2) can you trust him going forward, based on his actions now.

If he was delivering on Q2 and doing everything right, then maybe you could answer "yes" to Q1...but without his actions constantly reassuring you, then he's not doing himself any favors.

You already gave him a second chance, you no longer owe him anything further. However, do what is right for YOU.

He has been lying to you for years. He could have done this multiple times coz he's clearly good at lying.
I'm going to say yes you would be a fool to decide to work on it.
He doesn't deserve you. He doesn't get to cry and feel guilty because of things he's done.
You divorce him and live your best life without some lying cheating scum bag in your life. And please don't protect the kids by down playing it. Honesty is key here because they don't need their mother lying to them the way their father has for years.

No I'm sorry 😢

@ItsFuckingBoringFeedingEveryoneUntilYouDie

You are a truly remarkable human being.

I am so sorry you are going through this OP, You must be totally heartbroken. It's horrible when you put all your trust into someone and suddenly you don't know who or what to trust. It feels your world has been totally flipped upside-down and you don't know what your identity is anymore.

I would say, first and foremost, take care of your mental health aka therapy as something like this can be very traumatic, and you may feel the effects later down the line. Once you have your own head in order you can then give this proper thought, possibly marriage councilling. You have to put your mind to a years time, and think how would future you feel? I hope you manage to muscle through, I know you must be in the trenches right now. 💐

@3luckystars

My friend knew about my infidelity. So dh didn't trust our friendship. To him, she was complicit in the affair. We had been friends since the age of 5 so we were very close and I guess he felt threatened.

People can and do move on from affairs, but it all hinges on behaviour after the affair. They need to be completely open and honest with you - which he's not been. To carry on talking to the ow just smacks of a completely disregard for your feelings and selfishness.

Of course he's crying, he wants his cake and to eat it, he wants to carry on with the ow and have you at home.

I tried to stay after an affair, and after finding him meeting OW for a chat a few weeks after I found out about the affair. I tried for 3 years but I realised I was wasting my time and left. In your shoes op I'd carry on with the divorce and find someone who will not only love you, but also respect you

Posters who wouldn't make the same choices as you have just as right to discuss their lived experiences as you do. If you are comfortable with your decision then what does it matter what other people think? It doesn't affect you in the slightest.

This is a really polarising topic and it is quite black and white because it boils down to stay or go. Ultimately those are the only choices. The only difference being that sometimes, those who decide to stay can't reconcile and ultimately leave the relationship.

All of it is normal, all of it is ok, whatever anybody wants to do. I think that posters, having gone through what is probably one of the worst times of their lives, they try to help somebody else going through similar, shortcut some of the doubt. Some times it perhaps comes across as judgemental but I don't see it that way, I see it as a shoulder of support, an acknowledgement that the situation of the other person is really, really bad. It's when the other person is looking for something else, eg. a way to live with their situation and not feel badly about it, is where things come unstuck because for somebody who has 'ripped the plaster off', putting it back on is unthinkable.

My advice is to read, see what resonates, take the time that you need and then make the decision that is best for you. If you need to re-think and decide something else then do that.

Also I must add ,he has refused to delete / block her on social media .I have asked him to do so several times and he just says " I'm never on Facebook " which is a lie .. I said to him " if you have respect for me and the children you should block her on social media but he hasn't done that ,so that really says it all really !!!

Bin him.

Make him shit his pants.

Be ice queen.

He is not your friend. Not an ally.

Be polite but deadly polite.

Get rid of this creep.

I think that I would want my DH to go total NC, block on everything (and in every way) possible and be willing to do anything and everything I asked (reasonable or not!) in order to prove that he wants to save the marriage.

To not delete and block OW from SM would be a huge deal breaker for me.

In your position, and assuming that you still love him, I'd sit him down and read him the new rules and boundaries one last time and if he still can't meet them, then walk run away fast with a very clear conscience.

That is bloody shocking! Divorce! This man is truly selfish.

OP... he should be deleting/blocking this woman on everything. It shouldn't even need you to ask. He should be doing that, without expectation of saving the marriage.

If he were truly sorry, he would. He isn't. What you do with that information is up to you but he is telling you and showing you who and what he is, at every step, he lets you down.

After I started divorce procedures and my exh went to see a solicitor he came back begging me to forgive him and give him a second chance.... He was crying because his solicitor told him I'd get more than 50 percent of house and I'd get 50 percent of business ... He was told he'd have to share pension with me too. That's what had him crying not the thought of losing me.

Good point, Caring.

He may well also be upset at losing the comfortable home life, the respect of his children, and the loving wife who helped build up their business and always put him first. Altogether, that's a lot to lose.
But as OP says, he continued his affair after seeing how much it hurt and devastated her. His tears now are guilty and selfish. Why should they count for more than her tears?

Don't believe his tears, they're fake.

You said yourself he was so convincing when he was lying about having the affair, so you know he's a good liar.

Stay strong OP and I'm sorry this has happened to you x

I couldn't come back from that.

I know how i am emotionally and that isn't resilient. I would turn into someone i dislike. I would be paranoid and snappy. Constantly looking over my shoulder, waiting for the stack of cards to fall. Looking at his phone ect. The distrust would destroy me.

I wouldn't want his actions to destroy who i am too.

He is trying to make you feel guilty because it lets him off the hook. Then, if the marriage breaks down, he can make out it is all your fault.

I agree with a pp upthread about the money. Another reason he doesn't want to split up is because he knows it will hit him where it hurts. In the pocket.

What do the children think about their father betraying their mother like this? He has destroyed the family, not you.

Get your finances sorted, find a shit-hot lawyer and take him down.

@ItsFuckingBoringFeedingEveryoneUntilYouDie

I hope it's worth it. I can't see why you wouldn't divorce him and get everything you can but hey I'm not you. Good luck.