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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband touching me in my sleep

268 replies

donnelly2021 · 22/03/2024 09:42

Hi,
I woke up last night to my H giving me oral sex with his fingers inside me. When I woke up he said he was sorry (he tried to carry on and I was drifting in and out of sleep before waking) and he thought I was awake when I clearly was not...We haven't had a very good sex life recently so maybe it's my own fault for not just giving in (I usually put up and shut up about the pain and just deal with it for an easier life) - we've had many discussions regarding sex and that I felt like a sex doll as intimacy was the only time I received any type of attention from him however due to my health I'm in pain from any sort of sexual act (going through tests with the dr) and he is aware of this...
This isn't the first time this has happened in the last couple of months, it is the 3rd time the other two times I woke to him inside me (having intercourse with me) and the 2nd I woke up before he could enter.
What do I do because I'm scared to say out loud to him what I think it is but he is fully awake so it's not in his sleep...but we have a family and already going through some issues and I really don't need it what to do...

OP posts:
Daffodilsarentfluffy · 22/03/2024 09:43

You divorce him.
Ime or this will become your normal and sex will never be a normal part of any new relationship for you....
Ltb and tell him why.

Wakemeup17 · 22/03/2024 09:44

You need to divorce him. Non-consensual sex is rape. I'm sorry OP.

SleepingStandingUp · 22/03/2024 09:45

I'm sorry op. You know what sex is without your consent. I'm so so sorry this happened to you. I couldn't be with someone I couldn't trust to not rape me in my sleep. Please get some real life support to get out of this relationship. It doesn't matter how often you have sex or why. It matters that you aren't able to consent.

DistinguishedSocialCommentator · 22/03/2024 09:47

Have you considered reporting him to cosp?

As everyone else has said, divorce him. However, its easy to rant about "divorce him" than actually do it when it falls at ones feet as I've meet many who rant 'leave him, divorce him if he did this, that and the other' but come the time of reckoning, the women don't

So your choice op

pinkyredrose · 22/03/2024 09:47

He's a rapist who doesn't care that you're in pain. I'd get rid of him.

If you asked him to leave would he go?

MothralovesGojira · 22/03/2024 09:50

To put this bluntly - it is rape.
You have not consented. He has not asked for consent. If you are asleep you are unable to consent. It is rape. Your husband is raping you and this is not a one off but part of a regular pattern.
You need to report this to the police. If you feel unable to do this then you must ask him to leave. If he's still a 'decent' man he will leave immediately and seek help. If he refuses then that tells you everything you need to know about him. He is an abuser and a rapist/ sexual deviant.
At the very least ask him to leave and contact your local Women's Aid - please.

Ogham · 22/03/2024 09:51

I’m so sorry this has happened to you. He is disgusting and it makes me so angry that he thinks it’s ok to violate you like this. Another one saying that you need to leave this extremely unhealthy relationship. Please get in touch with Women’s Aid or Rape Crisis Centre for clarity and advice

Lostinbrum · 22/03/2024 09:56

This is rape OP. You need to end this relationship. This isn't a one off those are the times you woke up and realised what was going on how many times could this have happened where you didn't wake? He has zero respect for you and some men get their kicks by having sex with an incapacitated woman. If it were me I'd be leaving immeadiatly and reporting the bastard to the police

Original poster
donnelly2021 · 22/03/2024 09:57

I feel like if I say anything he will simply say he thought I was awake and wouldn't of done it if I was asleep but I wasn't awake !

OP posts:
readytoexplode24 · 22/03/2024 09:58

It's rape.

He is a rapist.

Divorce him.

SpringleDingle · 22/03/2024 10:00

Rape. You were not conscious so you did not consent. If you are unsure review the Consent is like Tea video on You tube. It's a great way of understanding it. You cannot want to drink tea whilst unconscious!

cerisepanther73 · 22/03/2024 10:01

Rape

Ditch him for good...

This will not change .

Report to police...

TiredCatLady · 22/03/2024 10:03

It is rape.

He is disgusting, please leave him.

BetsyBobbin · 22/03/2024 10:05

It's rape. I know it's not easy to hear that.

Don't ever think it's your fault, please. Please leave him.

AdoraBell · 22/03/2024 10:06

This is not your fault it is his choice to abuse you this way. Tell your Doctor. Then tell a solicitor and divorce him. This is rape and he will continue doing this because he thinks he has the right over your body.

ButterflyTable · 22/03/2024 10:07

He’s a fucking gaslighting rapist. Get rid OP. I hope you’re ok, I felt so sad reading this.

Needanewnamebeingwatched · 22/03/2024 10:07

donnelly2021 · 22/03/2024 09:57

I feel like if I say anything he will simply say he thought I was awake and wouldn't of done it if I was asleep but I wasn't awake !

How can he think you were awake, did you enthusiastically consent to sex....No

He knows your asleep, he is a rapey self entitled man.

EarthSight · 22/03/2024 10:08

I'm so sorry OP. No wonder you feel like a blow-up doll. He's using your body as if it's an object, and object that belongs to him. It's important that you have agency and ownership over your body, and right now, you don't. I'm pretty sure what he's doing is a crime, and at the very least, the police might want to record what's happening and would probably see you as being in danger of a crime.

This is not something you should even have to thinking about is a safe, loving relationship. If you can't leave immediately, do you have a spare room in the house that you can put a lock on? If he doesn't like it, you can simply explain you won't be sleeping in the same room anymore because you can't trust him, and that's that.

Don't discuss this with him further. He's just going to justify his actions, you will end up doubting yourself, and you'll feel muddled. Instead, take action.

DistinguishedSocialCommentator · 22/03/2024 10:08

donnelly2021 · 22/03/2024 09:57

I feel like if I say anything he will simply say he thought I was awake and wouldn't of done it if I was asleep but I wasn't awake !

OP
Only you can decide.

Good luck

StrawberryWater · 22/03/2024 10:08

Get rid of him and report him. He's a sexual predator and rapist.

MalbecandToast · 22/03/2024 10:09

Oh OP, I am so very sorry but this is rape. You need to report this to the police when you are ready and leave him.

Tiswa · 22/03/2024 10:09

How did he think you were awake. Did he communicate with you, did he get any indication that you were awake. Merry saying he thought you were awake isn’t enough - active consent is always required even in married couples - he received no such active consent therefore it is rape

Ladyj84 · 22/03/2024 10:12

Made me feel sick reading this.What about the times you didn't wake. Sorry after the first I wouldn't be in the same bed with him

GingerIsBest · 22/03/2024 10:12

Even if you believed him the first time (and let's be honest here, it's ridiculous), you'd think if he'd once had sex with you and you'd then told him that actually, you were asleep, he'd have figured out that he needs to be extra 100% careful to be sure you're awake next time?

I say that only to point out the flaw in his supposed argument. Because actually, what this is is rape and sexual assault. He knows that you are not having sex with him currently due to pain. What exactly does he think is suddenly different in the middle of the night?

I'm also a bit concerned about how you manage to sleep through it at first. That makes me worry about, at best, severe mental/physical illness that makes you sleep that deeply/be that unaware and, at worst, that you are drugged.

sandyhappypeople · 22/03/2024 10:13

donnelly2021 · 22/03/2024 09:57

I feel like if I say anything he will simply say he thought I was awake and wouldn't of done it if I was asleep but I wasn't awake !

It doesn’t really matter what he says, you both know he knew you were asleep, there’s nothing to argue about, you can tell him you feel violated without inviting a discussion about it, whatever his motivation, you feel how you feel and no amount of conversation is going to change that so there’s no point him trying to ‘explain’.

if you need some time to process things then I would insist that he sleeps in the spare room/sofa and I’d actually put a lock on the inside of the bedroom door to emphasise my point.

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