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Original poster

Husband touching me in my sleep

268 replies

donnelly2021 · 22/03/2024 09:42

Hi,
I woke up last night to my H giving me oral sex with his fingers inside me. When I woke up he said he was sorry (he tried to carry on and I was drifting in and out of sleep before waking) and he thought I was awake when I clearly was not...We haven't had a very good sex life recently so maybe it's my own fault for not just giving in (I usually put up and shut up about the pain and just deal with it for an easier life) - we've had many discussions regarding sex and that I felt like a sex doll as intimacy was the only time I received any type of attention from him however due to my health I'm in pain from any sort of sexual act (going through tests with the dr) and he is aware of this...
This isn't the first time this has happened in the last couple of months, it is the 3rd time the other two times I woke to him inside me (having intercourse with me) and the 2nd I woke up before he could enter.
What do I do because I'm scared to say out loud to him what I think it is but he is fully awake so it's not in his sleep...but we have a family and already going through some issues and I really don't need it what to do...

OP posts:
GingerIsBest · 22/03/2024 10:13

Ladyj84 · 22/03/2024 10:12

Made me feel sick reading this.What about the times you didn't wake. Sorry after the first I wouldn't be in the same bed with him

oh god. That actually takes me concern re drugging further. And OP - it makes me wonder about the pain you're experiencing.

You need to kick him out and you need to report him. I am so sorry. Has any doctor ever suggested that your pain might be as a result of physical damage?

Nanny0gg · 22/03/2024 10:16

donnelly2021 · 22/03/2024 09:57

I feel like if I say anything he will simply say he thought I was awake and wouldn't of done it if I was asleep but I wasn't awake !

Don't say it to him

Say it to the police.

Marital rape is still rape

Speak to women's aid for advice on how to get away.

NotQuiteNorma · 22/03/2024 10:18

GingerIsBest · 22/03/2024 10:12

Even if you believed him the first time (and let's be honest here, it's ridiculous), you'd think if he'd once had sex with you and you'd then told him that actually, you were asleep, he'd have figured out that he needs to be extra 100% careful to be sure you're awake next time?

I say that only to point out the flaw in his supposed argument. Because actually, what this is is rape and sexual assault. He knows that you are not having sex with him currently due to pain. What exactly does he think is suddenly different in the middle of the night?

I'm also a bit concerned about how you manage to sleep through it at first. That makes me worry about, at best, severe mental/physical illness that makes you sleep that deeply/be that unaware and, at worst, that you are drugged.

So she's not only being raped but she's also severely mentally ill and being drugged. Bet she's glad she asked now...

MiltonNorthern · 22/03/2024 10:18

donnelly2021 · 22/03/2024 09:57

I feel like if I say anything he will simply say he thought I was awake and wouldn't of done it if I was asleep but I wasn't awake !

It doesn't matter if he says he thinks you were awake, you know you were not, you know he didn't seek your consent. You know he knows the truth. You don't have to prove it to anyone.

OlderandwiserMaybe · 22/03/2024 10:19

donnelly2021 · 22/03/2024 09:57

I feel like if I say anything he will simply say he thought I was awake and wouldn't of done it if I was asleep but I wasn't awake !

He will probably say this more to justify his actions to himself as much as you. He absolutely knew you were asleep
I'm so sorry you had this happen to you.
The trouble with men like this is their feeling of entitlement. He believes because you're his wife that gives him some obligatory entitlement to your body.

The fact that he's done this (three times that you know of) even though he knows sex causes you pain shows you his true colours. He thinks his need for sex trumps anything else.

Its easy to say divorce him..... but honestly It's difficult to see how you would get past this.

Do you have a spare bedroom? I'd move into a different bad right away - to give you some space to think about how you want to proceed.

pikkumyy77 · 22/03/2024 10:19

I think you do need to report it, if you can do so safely, to your gp and the specialists—there is a non zero chance he has been drugging you in order to make you more available.

You do not have to give him a reason fir ending the marriage. It does not have to be an argument. Go outside for help, consider your finances, and leave.

Wmale · 22/03/2024 10:19

Sounds awful! Do you sleep in underwear? Cant understand how he removed it and climbed ontop of you without realising you were asleep. If he genuinely did think that.

GingerIsBest · 22/03/2024 10:20

@NotQuiteNorma yeah, I wasn't thrilled about mentioning it. But I think there's a problem that goes even further than the sexual abuse, assault and rape. And I suspect that whether it's ill health or something else, her H is responsible for it.

Original poster
donnelly2021 · 22/03/2024 10:24

I've got narcolepsy so I go into very deep sleep and yes I sleep in underwear which was taken off and I have no recollection of it...
When I did wake up and moved he wanted to carry on but I was in and out of sleep and he said I'm sorry I've misunderstood the situation I thought you were more awake. He then gave me my underwear back and I went for a wee and then I was in pain which he also said sorry I woke you up and now you're in pain..
This morning, he did the school run came back and asked for my underwear so he could deal with himself...
I'm still currently laid in bed thinking about it all and crying and coming to terms with it tbh

OP posts:
Wmale · 22/03/2024 10:26

donnelly2021 · 22/03/2024 10:24

I've got narcolepsy so I go into very deep sleep and yes I sleep in underwear which was taken off and I have no recollection of it...
When I did wake up and moved he wanted to carry on but I was in and out of sleep and he said I'm sorry I've misunderstood the situation I thought you were more awake. He then gave me my underwear back and I went for a wee and then I was in pain which he also said sorry I woke you up and now you're in pain..
This morning, he did the school run came back and asked for my underwear so he could deal with himself...
I'm still currently laid in bed thinking about it all and crying and coming to terms with it tbh

Asked for your underwear!?? Wtf no sense of shame then

Original poster
donnelly2021 · 22/03/2024 10:28

I think he wanted to have sex with me but I felt sick and was trying to gather my memories from the night and giving them to him made more sense to me then to have unwanted sex and it made him go away from me

OP posts:
BetsyBobbin · 22/03/2024 10:30

Asked for your underwear?

So besides being a rapist he's also a fetishist? It gets worse and worse, I'm so sorry.

Please call women's aid, just get help and get out of this situation ASAP. Flowers

GingerIsBest · 22/03/2024 10:31

Oh OP, I am so sorry. You have a sleep condition and your H is using that as an opportunity to rape and assault you. The pain you are feeling is most likely the result of him attempting to have sex with you while you were not ready, As has probably been the case on many previous occasions.

Do you have a friend or family member you could call. I do think you are in a very dangerous situation here. Emotionally, of course. But also physically. Someone who is regularly having sex with you without your consent, or your awareness, is likely to be causing you significant physical harm.

I am sorry to be crass but I hoe you are on hormone contraception?

Hbosh · 22/03/2024 10:33

You are being sexually assaulted, in your own bed, by your own husband.
I'm so sorry this is happening to you.

Nothing he can say excuses what he's done to you. And not just once, so it's not a mistake or a lapse in judgement. He's a rapist and you need to divorce him before he damages you even further.

greasypolemonkeyman · 22/03/2024 10:34

donnelly2021 · 22/03/2024 10:24

I've got narcolepsy so I go into very deep sleep and yes I sleep in underwear which was taken off and I have no recollection of it...
When I did wake up and moved he wanted to carry on but I was in and out of sleep and he said I'm sorry I've misunderstood the situation I thought you were more awake. He then gave me my underwear back and I went for a wee and then I was in pain which he also said sorry I woke you up and now you're in pain..
This morning, he did the school run came back and asked for my underwear so he could deal with himself...
I'm still currently laid in bed thinking about it all and crying and coming to terms with it tbh

Your husband is relying on your narcolepsy to keep you deeply asleep while he rapes you. He fully knows what he is doing is wrong. Are you 100% sure that he isn't "helping" you into a deeper sleep by slipping anything into your meals or drink before bed? Either way he is taking advantage of you in your most vulnerable moments while you are unconscious. Not only that he's doing it knowing you in pain. Do you think he's done this more than you are aware of? Could it be that HE is causing this pain by raping you more frequently than you are aware of?

I'm very sorry this has happened to you. I've been sexually abused myself and it's a horrible feeling to know that somebody has been inside your body against your will or without you being conscious. I favour sleeping in onesies these days it feels safer and I hate to even have to say that.

You need to report this to the police. This is horrific and he has zero respect for you and puts his own sexual needs above everything else.

caringcarer · 22/03/2024 10:34

donnelly2021 · 22/03/2024 09:57

I feel like if I say anything he will simply say he thought I was awake and wouldn't of done it if I was asleep but I wasn't awake !

You know he raped you. Don't tolerate it. Tell him he has raped you. He is a rapist and when you are asleep he is not to touch you. Could you sleep in another room? Could you ask him to leave or you will report him to the police? Ring Woman's Aid for support.

Teacup19 · 22/03/2024 10:36

donnelly2021 · 22/03/2024 09:57

I feel like if I say anything he will simply say he thought I was awake and wouldn't of done it if I was asleep but I wasn't awake !

Who cares what he says?

Theglow · 22/03/2024 10:37

He’s a rapist you’re not consenting when you’re deep asleep and he knows that, it’s utter bs that he thought you were awake and he misunderstood.
as for asking for your underwear after he sexually assaulted you, what an absolute pig.
you need to divorce him.

EverybodyLTB · 22/03/2024 10:37

Fucking hell. He needs reporting. I wouldn’t want him around me or my children, he’s not safe. He’s a rapist. No better than someone pouncing out of bushes and attacking a stranger is he? He’s violating you in what should be your safest place. He will make you mentally ill if you stay with him.

GingerIsBest · 22/03/2024 10:38

Teacup19 · 22/03/2024 10:36

Who cares what he says?

Show quote history

100% this.

caringcarer · 22/03/2024 10:42

Your pain could come from him continually raping you whilst you are asleep. You might be dry but he forces in anyway. Then you wake up in pain. He is beyond disgusting. Then go ask for your underwear too, the cheek of him. He cares nothing about the pain he caused you. Surely you can't love him after this? If not make him go.

Lurkingandlearning · 22/03/2024 10:46

@greasypolemonkeyman I thought your suggestion for OP to wear as onesie was a brilliant short term measure until she does leave him. Then I thought that piece of shit would probably just cut a hole in it.

OP please use all the agencies available to you to get the support you need to leave

ButterflyTable · 22/03/2024 10:52

Like PPs I wonder if the pain is he’s been regularly raping you OP. This is horrific

greasypolemonkeyman · 22/03/2024 10:58

@Lurkingandlearning

It's awful that women even have to consider what to wear and how to prevent sexual attacks taking place while they are sleeping in their own beds, in their own homes. Definitely a few steps farther down the line of Shit That Men Never Have To Do .

Cantalever · 22/03/2024 11:06

OP this is terrible. Please look after and protect yourself. You mention the school run so you have DC. Neither you nor your DC can go on living with this situation. Get help by reporting this to GP, womens aid, solicitor, police. Get advice about making him move out. Or do you have somewhere safe to go - family?