Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband touching me in my sleep

268 replies

donnelly2021 · 22/03/2024 09:42

Hi,
I woke up last night to my H giving me oral sex with his fingers inside me. When I woke up he said he was sorry (he tried to carry on and I was drifting in and out of sleep before waking) and he thought I was awake when I clearly was not...We haven't had a very good sex life recently so maybe it's my own fault for not just giving in (I usually put up and shut up about the pain and just deal with it for an easier life) - we've had many discussions regarding sex and that I felt like a sex doll as intimacy was the only time I received any type of attention from him however due to my health I'm in pain from any sort of sexual act (going through tests with the dr) and he is aware of this...
This isn't the first time this has happened in the last couple of months, it is the 3rd time the other two times I woke to him inside me (having intercourse with me) and the 2nd I woke up before he could enter.
What do I do because I'm scared to say out loud to him what I think it is but he is fully awake so it's not in his sleep...but we have a family and already going through some issues and I really don't need it what to do...

OP posts:
PossumintheHouse · 27/03/2024 16:37

donnelly2021 · 27/03/2024 16:33

I'm sorry I've disappointed and gone against some advice on here.
I can't get out right now, I have no family - my parents died when I was young and 4 children who attend school etc so it's abit tricky. I also start my new job which requires training soon and I don't have any support with childcare. It's such a shit position that is quite surreal to be in to be honest I'm still trying to get my head around anything but I needed to speak to him about it to at least say "do not do it again" to try and gain some mental safety I suppose. I feel numb and shaky and I'm just trying to put my head down and get on with household things

You haven't disappointed anybody. Can you call Women's Aid for some advice, if you feel you can't leave your home right now?

ivowtotheemybiscuittin · 27/03/2024 16:37

Tell him if he does it again you're going to the police and reporting him. That might give you some time.

MariaVT65 · 27/03/2024 16:41

at least call women’s aid for advice. You can’t just continue letting a man rape you because of childcare. Call the police.

what would you say if this was happening to your daughter?

fuckingbastard · 27/03/2024 16:53

You need to quietly talk to someone in real life OP. It's a good thing that you are starting to work. You are not safe OP. Talking to him will not make him stop. I pray that you will have all the support you need in real life, we are here for you. There is much good advice here so I will just send you a big hug. You are right, this is wrong, and this has to stop, and this is not your fault.

Secondstart1001 · 27/03/2024 16:55

@donnelly2021 you haven’t disappointed anyone and you don’t have to justify why you are staying. It’s hard with kids and sounds like you don’t have family support. You might not end it tomorrow, next week or next month. Use going back to work to get out, save some money and I’m sure you will also grow in confidence: ensure you stay safe no matter what as your DH is abusing you sexually. he knows he’s wrong and he’s caught out. I know you are trying not to rock the boat here for fear of further arguements / abuse.
do speak to women’s aid get some support and do come on here without fear of being judged. We all have our own stories and failings and things we “ should “ have done but didn’t. Much love x

Pinkbonbon · 27/03/2024 16:55

Can you not just call the police? They'll remove him and that's the problem of your saftey solved. Hell be told to stay away from you. It'll give you some time without him in the house whilst you get an income and if needs be, a new home sorted.

At least go talk to them. You don't have to give them much personal info, you can just query them on what procedure would be and what the course of action would be to keep you safe.

There are also shelters for women who are being abused, some take kiss. I know it's a wrench to leave a home but, at least you'd be somewhere safe whilst you earn enough to rent a place of your own (and can claim things like cms for extra money). Speak with women's aid and find out what's available in your local area.

In the mean time, be very clear 'we will not be having sex again'. If he asks until when, you say 'I will decide that. You do not own me and if you cross lines again I will go to the police'. Baracade any room you sleep in at night with a heavy bit ic furniture such as a dressing table.

Confide in any friends or family or grown up kids you have about what has been going on.

Work towards your escape.

Though tbh, it would be much simpler if you would just report him. He belongs in jail anyway. When your kids grow up and learn what's what (tbh they probably know already) they'll hug you and tell you you should have reported the monster. No adult child of an abusive upbringing is happy their mother stayed.

Hopebridge · 27/03/2024 17:04

Have you always had narcolepsy? Could you speak in confidence to a GP even if you're not going to go to women's aid? I appreciate it's a lot to process but I think it's important someone knows what's happening. Especially if your having medical interventions it could be relevant to the gynaecological issues your having at the moment.

I'm so sorry you're in this position and that he's responded in this way. You are not a possession and what he is asking of you is not ok in a marriage/relationship.

fuckingbastard · 27/03/2024 17:12

Well, if the guy does not respect her, nothing she says will stick. I would go to the GP and say that the GP says that you can't have sex for the next six month because you need to have this or that fixed. In that case I think a white lie is ok. In other word; Find authority between you and him at all time for whatever you need to get fixed. " I would comply but I don't want not be able to have sex forever so let's get better for the next two months and see how it goes". Unfortunately you complied with the mandatory blow job, Covid or tonsilitis might work. Or any virus. You might be surprised but he might be cheating on you like an old fuck. Get yourself tested. He does not own you. Please remember what he says to you and understand that this is not figurative. Understand well the meaning of it and its implication. If you are owned You are a thing rather then a person. Only things are owned, yet you are a person. His vision will not change. He won't be talked out of it. Be very careful how you engage with him.

Fuzziduck · 27/03/2024 17:33

If you go to the police, he will likely be the one to leave.

Have you downloaded the snoring app? At least have the chance of getting it on record if you're still going to risk it and share a bed.

Gettingonmygoat · 27/03/2024 17:37

Do what you have to do but acknowledge to yourself that your husband is a rapist. Go to your doctor and tell them what is happening just so that it is written down with a professional. Do your training and save save save to get away from him because this abuse won't stop. I won't say stay because you won't be, you will be raped time and time again and you know it so please save like hell to get out. Make sure he can't find your savings account details and that he never knows you intend to leave.

jannier · 27/03/2024 17:50

donnelly2021 · 27/03/2024 15:50

I did speak to him about it.
I worded it very carefully to not come across as an accuser so there would not be a defence needed kind of thing.
He said he was sorry and thought I was awake. He said he feels sick that I feel this way (violated) and it won't happen again.
He has also said, because of our (my) issues he does feels it's circumstantial that I feel violated - if we were in a better place relationship wise or my health was better (which is also my fault for not pushing for quicker answers) then it wouldn't have been a problem as we "own" each other and he should - as should I - be able to wake the other person by doing sexual acts because we are each others possession basically...

Jesus don't say you swallowed this it's your fault I own you shit. Typical abuser blaming the victim if you own him tell him to have chemical castration what an arse.

MothralovesGojira · 27/03/2024 17:58

@donnelly2021
"it wouldn't have been a problem as we "own" each other and he should - as should I - be able to wake the other person by doing sexual acts because we are each others possession basically..."

This tells you everything that you need to know about him. He isn't 'upset' because he has assaulted you - he's upset because you are not accepting his perceived 'right' to your body. Next he'll be telling you that you should be flattered & grateful that he still wants to fuck you seeing as you're sooo reluctant to provide services that he feels that he's entitled to and 'paid' for.
Please ignore the posters that are hounding you to leave forthwith because you have explained why you currently can't just go. If you left right now without a proper plan/ducks in a row then you will fail to escape and just end up back with him and even more cowed/lacking in self esteem than before.
You know that this relationship is over. No one owns you unless you let them.
Please make your plan to get away and keep your eye on the prize - which is freedom. If it takes you six months or a year or two years then so be it but your freedom from this abusive arsehole is the prize.
In the meantime please see Women's Aid or similar as they will help and support you even if it's just someone to vent at or get some support to carry on. If you have a close friend who will 1000% keep your confidence then confide in them.
Once you're in work then if you have a lockable drawer or locker then start collecting important documents and lock them in it so that he can't remove them from the home - hopefully he'll never notice or know where they are anyway. Start a plan and keep going.

socks1107 · 27/03/2024 18:00

I sadly went through this in my first marriage, I used to go to bed in layers of clothes in the end.
He told me on our way to a holiday once that he would be having sex with every day whether I liked it or not as he was my husband and had the right.
I thought as I was young, that was just how things are and now I know very differently.

It absolutely should not be happening and it's non consensual. I'd be looking at leaving and what you can do to protect yourself in the meantime

magicstar1 · 27/03/2024 18:03

I did ask upthread, but you mightn't have seen it. Have you been properly diagnosed with narcolepsy? He could be drugging you, and if so, it will get worse now as he won't want you to wake up during his assaults. Does he ever make you tea or something in the evenings? Don't consume anything he gives you.

Crazydoglady1980 · 27/03/2024 18:10

Please don’t apologise, it is easy to sit on an internet forum and say you should do this, that or the other. Life is not that easy.
If you can, speak to women's aid, they are not only there for leaving but also making safety plans and being a listening ear. They may be aware of support that would be available to you, that may help your situation that you’re not aware of.

Coconutter24 · 27/03/2024 18:16

donnelly2021 · 27/03/2024 15:50

I did speak to him about it.
I worded it very carefully to not come across as an accuser so there would not be a defence needed kind of thing.
He said he was sorry and thought I was awake. He said he feels sick that I feel this way (violated) and it won't happen again.
He has also said, because of our (my) issues he does feels it's circumstantial that I feel violated - if we were in a better place relationship wise or my health was better (which is also my fault for not pushing for quicker answers) then it wouldn't have been a problem as we "own" each other and he should - as should I - be able to wake the other person by doing sexual acts because we are each others possession basically...

“be able to wake the other person by doing sexual acts because we are each others possession basically...”

There you go, he’s admitted that he knew you were asleep

HesterPrincess · 27/03/2024 18:18

I would start wearing clothes at night to bed that will make things too difficult for him to keep pestering you. Get some onesies and wear pants underneath. Make it bloody impossible for him if he can't keep his hands to himself.

BirthdayRainbow · 27/03/2024 19:22

Maybe if you report him to the police for rape you won't need to "get out" as he'll be in prison.

He doesn't own you. You don't own him. There is no right to your body unless you say so.

I am so sorry you don't yet see that this is 100% wrong, 100% his fault, 100% not acceptable and 100% stoppable.

Ogham · 27/03/2024 19:23

“be able to wake the other person by doing sexual acts because we are each others possession basically...”

could you experiment with that theory then by sticking a butt plug into him while he’s asleep. I wonder how he’d feel about that!

He is gaslighting you - he does not get to tell you that how your feeling Is wrong. God he’s an absolute pig. I’m presuming he’s dominant and sulky in other areas of the relationship too.

please break free from this situation as soon as you can. In the meantime I’d be sleeping in with one of my kids or a spare room.

AlpineMuesli · 27/03/2024 20:04

magicstar1 · 27/03/2024 18:03

I did ask upthread, but you mightn't have seen it. Have you been properly diagnosed with narcolepsy? He could be drugging you, and if so, it will get worse now as he won't want you to wake up during his assaults. Does he ever make you tea or something in the evenings? Don't consume anything he gives you.

I asked as well. The recent case in France has left me vastly suspicious.

Original poster
donnelly2021 · 27/03/2024 20:57

I have yeah, I take medication for it too to try regulate my sleep x

OP posts:
1Step2Step · 27/03/2024 22:58

1-2 times per week with 4 young children is quite normal for most couples. It’s a phase of life where spontaneity likely doesn’t happen and you need to schedule it in.

Is he religious , as that’s a very backward way of thinking that a husband has automatic right -possession to his wife’s body.

Be very wary he isn’t doping you to make you more tired at night. Just have a quick look through his stash to see if he’s hiding pills etc. You would be surprised how common it is

Comtesse · 27/03/2024 23:17

Only a lowlife would blame you for what happened. What awful excuses he has made. Stay safe Flowers

Secondstart1001 · 27/03/2024 23:27

1Step2Step · 27/03/2024 22:58

1-2 times per week with 4 young children is quite normal for most couples. It’s a phase of life where spontaneity likely doesn’t happen and you need to schedule it in.

Is he religious , as that’s a very backward way of thinking that a husband has automatic right -possession to his wife’s body.

Be very wary he isn’t doping you to make you more tired at night. Just have a quick look through his stash to see if he’s hiding pills etc. You would be surprised how common it is

I don’t think even considering his complaint about the frequency is relevant here! Op has said sex is very painful due to a medical condition she is under observation for. When I had 2 young kids I’d be lucky to have sex once a month as was shattered so don’t think it’s fair you put “ what’s normal” on Op when this is clearly not a normal situation being woken up finding you husband molesting her! My Dp won’t try and touch my sexually if I am in any way unwell and that’s because he has the emotional intelligence as well as care for me to just give me hugs and care instead of harassing me.

MothralovesGojira · 28/03/2024 09:10

@1Step2Step

A big round of applause to the rape apologist who obviously hasn't RTFT - ffs!